I'm sitting here waiting for my husband to get home from work, I'm sliding into the last bit of my two week holiday. It's my slowest time of the year, his busiest. We make do. Jacob is off of school for the same two weeks that I am off, it works out.
I'm thinking about 2013 - the good and the not so good.
I'm looking at our Christmas tree and the combination of Chocolate Labrador Retriever ornaments mixed in with my collection of primitives, and all of Jacob's public service along with all the beauties he's created for me the last few years and I can't help but smile at the Christmases we've shared here, in this house with this beautiful child and I frown a bit knowing that each year to come is one less.
I sent a Christmas card to my mother today with Jacob's school pictures. I'm a little late, I know. I keep thinking to myself, "she'll be 80 in a few weeks". I keep asking God if it's time to go to her (not because I want to, it's a responsibility thing) and he says, "no, she's not ready yet." So I wait. It's tough to explain, I don't miss her, I'm concerned about her safety, her diet, her medical needs and other things (I don't give 2 shits about her finances - let's make that clear!) I said I don't miss her but, she's still my mother, if only in the sense of the woman who birthed me because I wish I had a mother. A mother that wanted to be with me, to be with my child (he's so awesome and she has no idea), to support me, to encourage me, to give me hope, to ease my burdens, to...so many things. But, without her, I'm learning to do these things for my child. I'm learning to be the mom I didn't have. In fact Jacob just told me tonight, "I'm sorry your mom didn't kiss you goodnight." I have forgiven her, forgiven myself, forgiven my dad and I'm not angry anymore. I'm not hurt. I'm just done with it. I've let it go. Yet I have no desire to contact her and you can think what you want of me for it. "As my mom always said, he who lives in a glass house should not throw stones."
I think about the changes in myself this year. I'm calm. I don't worry. I don't wigg...at least not like I used to. I still have a few quirks here and there but, I've mellowed out. Jacob spilled something a few days ago and I noticed his face - he was so afraid - of me, of my reaction to come. All I said was, "let's get a towel and clean it up." I didn't yell, I didn't *gasp*. I just cleaned it up. And my kid wasn't terrified of me. He came to me a little later, "Mom, I'm sorry I spilled." and I responded with, "it's ok. We cleaned it up.". He hugged me so tight and declared his love for his momma. All the while, Jeremy looked on with a smile.
I'm not worried about money, or bills, or debt, or home repairs anymore. I prayed to God some time ago and asked him to provide for us, to help me learn the difference between what I need and what I want and we're making progress with that. I'm not taking my worry back from God. I don't want it. I trust Him. I did make the mistake of opening my BIG mouth and telling Jeremy that one of my plans for 2014 is not to buy any more books until I clear out one of my bookshelves. Now he's holding me accountable!
I can't say 2013 was a good year for me, I can't say 2013 was a terrible year for me. 2013 was a learning year for me, an exploring year for me, a listening year for me. A forgiving year and a non-judgmental year! And in some ways, a realization year. A realization that sometimes we have to take things for what they are and make the best of them. A realization that some things we don't have to take at all.
My hope for 2014 is to continue to be better. To continue to learn and move forward. To continue to expand my visits with those who have passed on, to continue to improve my relationships with family and friends, to listen to my inner guiding voice and to follow my heart while still protecting the loving hearts around me. If I can do that, I'm sure 2014 will be a success!
Happy New Year!
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Imperfection
I stepped into the shower this morning, 2 days before my highly anticipated Christmas gathering with my family - the first time in many years we have gotten together to celebrate Christmas, and this little voice sang to me "It's not going to be perfect, you know. I'm so glad you're finally past that shit."
First, I love my guides and my angels. They say it to me like it is and in my language!
They're right. I am past that shit.
I have a huge home. I have a child, a husband - which at times equates to three children, a dog that sheds her entire coat of brown hair daily - I swear it! A full time job. Laundry, cooking, and helping with homework. And a voracious reading habit. I also hear spirits in my spare time. So?
Perfection. Is. An. Illusion.
It's the blanket we pull over our mess and we pray to GOD that no one pulls that cover back and lays all of our shit bare Plain and simple. It's a cover, a gloss. It does not exist in its true form. Plain and simple, it's bullshit.
My house isn't as clean and organized as it once was, as a matter of fact, we left this morning with a full blown parade on the floor in the den. It's a guarantee that anything you eat or drink will have at least one brown dog hair in it - I promise you she's clean! Your white socks won't stay white at my house but, I'll gladly bleach them back for you. But, you know what, my coffee pot is always on and I'd love nothing more than to sit with you in my living room where my furniture is covered with blankets to keep the hair somewhat under control, and catch up, or talk about books while our kids play.
It's not important to me any more. Perfection is not my priority. Living my life is.
Imperfection is important. Enjoying my husband and my child. Helping with homework and laughter. That's important. Snuggling under a blanket and watching a cheesy kid movie, that is important. Big, slobbery, wet bologna dog kisses are important.
And you know what else? I yell less. I don't get upset as often. Since I gave up on this illusion of perfect, I'm happier! A happier mom makes a happier family! Imagine that!! And you know what else? My husband doesn't make smart ass comments like "Would you like to iron these sheets before we sleep on them?" anymore.
Look, I'm not saying I've thrown it all out the window - not at all. We'll take the blankets off the couch for this weekend, vacuum the masses of brown hair, clean the shower, etc. I'm cooking a ham and potatoes but, I'm not cooking a seven course meal. I'm done with the useless shit like making sure Jacob's dresser drawers are straightened or my basement pantry is alphabetically aligned before company comes. No one cares.
I've realized that I'm much happier now that I'm not perfect. I don't want to be "perfect" again.
First, I love my guides and my angels. They say it to me like it is and in my language!
They're right. I am past that shit.
I have a huge home. I have a child, a husband - which at times equates to three children, a dog that sheds her entire coat of brown hair daily - I swear it! A full time job. Laundry, cooking, and helping with homework. And a voracious reading habit. I also hear spirits in my spare time. So?
Perfection. Is. An. Illusion.
It's the blanket we pull over our mess and we pray to GOD that no one pulls that cover back and lays all of our shit bare Plain and simple. It's a cover, a gloss. It does not exist in its true form. Plain and simple, it's bullshit.
My house isn't as clean and organized as it once was, as a matter of fact, we left this morning with a full blown parade on the floor in the den. It's a guarantee that anything you eat or drink will have at least one brown dog hair in it - I promise you she's clean! Your white socks won't stay white at my house but, I'll gladly bleach them back for you. But, you know what, my coffee pot is always on and I'd love nothing more than to sit with you in my living room where my furniture is covered with blankets to keep the hair somewhat under control, and catch up, or talk about books while our kids play.
It's not important to me any more. Perfection is not my priority. Living my life is.
Imperfection is important. Enjoying my husband and my child. Helping with homework and laughter. That's important. Snuggling under a blanket and watching a cheesy kid movie, that is important. Big, slobbery, wet bologna dog kisses are important.
And you know what else? I yell less. I don't get upset as often. Since I gave up on this illusion of perfect, I'm happier! A happier mom makes a happier family! Imagine that!! And you know what else? My husband doesn't make smart ass comments like "Would you like to iron these sheets before we sleep on them?" anymore.
Look, I'm not saying I've thrown it all out the window - not at all. We'll take the blankets off the couch for this weekend, vacuum the masses of brown hair, clean the shower, etc. I'm cooking a ham and potatoes but, I'm not cooking a seven course meal. I'm done with the useless shit like making sure Jacob's dresser drawers are straightened or my basement pantry is alphabetically aligned before company comes. No one cares.
I've realized that I'm much happier now that I'm not perfect. I don't want to be "perfect" again.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Tis my unfavorite season...
I love fall, Thanksgiving and pumpkin pie, I love the spirit of Christmas...I HATE the time leading up to it.
I feel like everything is all in a jumble. My work slows down, Jeremy's work picks up. I start planning holiday meals and gifts and shopping and wrapping. It seems like there is never enough time to do everything I want to do.
Me, being the genius that I am, thought it'd be nice to do something different for Jacob's birthday this year and planned a little weekend away right smack in the middle of the holiday madness. I'm not sure if this was an intelligent choice or the biggest flop I've ever done, I guess we'll see.
I'm feeling a bit of holiday blues already this year. Jacob is getting older and the magic of Christmas is wearing off. We have some work to do as parents to curb this spoiled-ness we've created. It seems the world around us is more cold and distant this year. Maybe I'm just not into it.
In some ways, I'm a little downed by my, not really expectations of people but, people that should behave better...or maybe just behave. I'm so downed by people who are portraying themselves as people they truly aren't. I'm tired of people trying to live up to other's expectations and not being true to their hearts. I'm tired of people glossing over or avoiding their own problems yet quickly pointing out someone else's. I'm tired of people avoiding situations because they can't choose right from wrong and would rather just not upset anyone. I'm tired of falseness. I'm tired of fake. I'm tired of pasted on smiles. And I'm tired of lies. Let's face it, the holidays really do bring out the worst in people.
I always hoped that holidays meant spending time with family, and I think this year, I've finally taken it to heart - family isn't always the group of people you were born into, not always related by blood, family is often the people you choose to spend your time with. You'd think being the parent of an adopted child, I would have learned this a long time ago. It saddens me to have such a large family and we're not close at the holidays - or at all. It just hits me hardest at this time of year. That said, We are doing something different for Thanksgiving this year. I'm still cooking for us but, we're having dinner with family. A family that is very close to my heart. A family that I took a little time away from and learned that I love them dearly and I need to get back to them. They're not my blood family and it doesn't matter.
I hoping this little trip, this little Thanksgiving renews some love, some warmth in my heart. There is a lot missing and I want this to be my FAVORITE season again.
I feel like everything is all in a jumble. My work slows down, Jeremy's work picks up. I start planning holiday meals and gifts and shopping and wrapping. It seems like there is never enough time to do everything I want to do.
Me, being the genius that I am, thought it'd be nice to do something different for Jacob's birthday this year and planned a little weekend away right smack in the middle of the holiday madness. I'm not sure if this was an intelligent choice or the biggest flop I've ever done, I guess we'll see.
I'm feeling a bit of holiday blues already this year. Jacob is getting older and the magic of Christmas is wearing off. We have some work to do as parents to curb this spoiled-ness we've created. It seems the world around us is more cold and distant this year. Maybe I'm just not into it.
In some ways, I'm a little downed by my, not really expectations of people but, people that should behave better...or maybe just behave. I'm so downed by people who are portraying themselves as people they truly aren't. I'm tired of people trying to live up to other's expectations and not being true to their hearts. I'm tired of people glossing over or avoiding their own problems yet quickly pointing out someone else's. I'm tired of people avoiding situations because they can't choose right from wrong and would rather just not upset anyone. I'm tired of falseness. I'm tired of fake. I'm tired of pasted on smiles. And I'm tired of lies. Let's face it, the holidays really do bring out the worst in people.
I always hoped that holidays meant spending time with family, and I think this year, I've finally taken it to heart - family isn't always the group of people you were born into, not always related by blood, family is often the people you choose to spend your time with. You'd think being the parent of an adopted child, I would have learned this a long time ago. It saddens me to have such a large family and we're not close at the holidays - or at all. It just hits me hardest at this time of year. That said, We are doing something different for Thanksgiving this year. I'm still cooking for us but, we're having dinner with family. A family that is very close to my heart. A family that I took a little time away from and learned that I love them dearly and I need to get back to them. They're not my blood family and it doesn't matter.
I hoping this little trip, this little Thanksgiving renews some love, some warmth in my heart. There is a lot missing and I want this to be my FAVORITE season again.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
I'm giving up on this 30 Truths thing...
These are just not fun anymore...they are quite repetitive and well, this stuff doesn't matter to me. I also, don't think my views matter to anyone but me.
A friend of mine asked me about incense sticks recently, if I thought one brand was better than another. My answer was simply - "I use X brand. I have never tried B or C brand. But, try B or C brand if you like them, use them."
I do what I need to do for me for my life, what is best for me and for my family. You do what is best for you and for your family. Just because we may not do the same things, it doesn't mean either of us are wrong, we're just not the same. And that's ok.
Just think a minute, where would this world be, if we spent a lot less time judging or criticizing someone else for not being like us.
Here are the short and sweet answers to the rest of the questions.
Day 11 - Something people seem to compliment you the most on. - Look how great I am...
Day 12 - Something you never get compliments on. - Aw, Look how great I think I am and no one cares.
Day 13 - A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.) - I'm not a music person.
Day 14 - A hero that has let you down. (letter) - I don't have heroes.
Day 15 - Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it. - Things are just that -- things. And someone - it'd be hard to live without my husband or my kid but, I could do it. It may not be pretty. I'd be a mess but, I could do it.
Day 16 - Someone or something you definitely could live without. -- Repeat of Day 15
Day 17 - A book you’ve read that changed your views on something. -- I haven't written a book report since high school and I don't intend to at 40.
Day 18 - Your views on gay marriage. -- It's all about love and who you choose to work hard with to make it work for the rest of your life. Sexual orientation is not my business.
Day 19 - What do you think of religion?
I believe in God, the father almighty, creator of heaven and earth.
I believe in Jesus Christ, his only Son, our Lord.
He was conceived by the power of the Holy Spirit and born of the Virgin Mary.
He suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died, and was buried.
He descended into hell.
On the third day he rose again.
He ascended into heaven and is seated at the right hand of the Father.
He will come again to judge the living and the dead.
I believe in the Holy Spirit,
the Holy Catholic Church,
the communion of saints,
the forgiveness of sins,
the resurrection of the body,
and the life everlasting. Amen.
Or what do you think of politics? -- I don't discuss politics unless I am well informed.
Day 20 - Your views on drugs and alcohol. -- I don't use drugs. I drink in moderation.
Day 21 -Your best friend is in a car accident and you were in a fight an hour before. What do you do? -- Pick up the phone and call her!Day 22 - Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life. -- Sorry, that one has been expunged from my record. It's not public information and I won't make such.
Day 23 - Something you wish you had done in your life. -- I'm only 40 - it's not over yet.
Day 24 - Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Title and letter). -- I don't do mix tapes for anyone.
Day 25 - The reason you believe you’re still alive today. -- Because my work here is not finished.
Day 26 - Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why? -- Yes. When I was a teenager, and that was one thing that I could control.
Day 27 - What’s the best thing going for you right now? -- Too much to count though I do count my blessings daily!
Day 28 - What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do? -- CRY. Cry, and cry some more.
Day 29 - Something you hope to change about yourself. And why. -- To be better than I was yesterday.
Day 30 - A letter to yourself, tell yourself everything you love about yourself. -- Nope, no more patting me on the back. I'm a good person, I live a good life, no need to go on about it...again.
A friend of mine asked me about incense sticks recently, if I thought one brand was better than another. My answer was simply - "I use X brand. I have never tried B or C brand. But, try B or C brand if you like them, use them."
I do what I need to do for me for my life, what is best for me and for my family. You do what is best for you and for your family. Just because we may not do the same things, it doesn't mean either of us are wrong, we're just not the same. And that's ok.
Just think a minute, where would this world be, if we spent a lot less time judging or criticizing someone else for not being like us.
Here are the short and sweet answers to the rest of the questions.
Day 11 - Something people seem to compliment you the most on. - Look how great I am...
Day 12 - Something you never get compliments on. - Aw, Look how great I think I am and no one cares.
Day 13 - A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.) - I'm not a music person.
Day 14 - A hero that has let you down. (letter) - I don't have heroes.
Day 15 - Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it. - Things are just that -- things. And someone - it'd be hard to live without my husband or my kid but, I could do it. It may not be pretty. I'd be a mess but, I could do it.
Day 16 - Someone or something you definitely could live without. -- Repeat of Day 15
Day 17 - A book you’ve read that changed your views on something. -- I haven't written a book report since high school and I don't intend to at 40.
Day 18 - Your views on gay marriage. -- It's all about love and who you choose to work hard with to make it work for the rest of your life. Sexual orientation is not my business.
Day 19 - What do you think of religion?
I believe in God, the father almighty, creator of heaven and earth.
I believe in Jesus Christ, his only Son, our Lord.
He was conceived by the power of the Holy Spirit and born of the Virgin Mary.
He suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died, and was buried.
He descended into hell.
On the third day he rose again.
He ascended into heaven and is seated at the right hand of the Father.
He will come again to judge the living and the dead.
I believe in the Holy Spirit,
the Holy Catholic Church,
the communion of saints,
the forgiveness of sins,
the resurrection of the body,
and the life everlasting. Amen.
Or what do you think of politics? -- I don't discuss politics unless I am well informed.
Day 20 - Your views on drugs and alcohol. -- I don't use drugs. I drink in moderation.
Day 21 -Your best friend is in a car accident and you were in a fight an hour before. What do you do? -- Pick up the phone and call her!Day 22 - Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life. -- Sorry, that one has been expunged from my record. It's not public information and I won't make such.
Day 23 - Something you wish you had done in your life. -- I'm only 40 - it's not over yet.
Day 24 - Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Title and letter). -- I don't do mix tapes for anyone.
Day 25 - The reason you believe you’re still alive today. -- Because my work here is not finished.
Day 26 - Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why? -- Yes. When I was a teenager, and that was one thing that I could control.
Day 27 - What’s the best thing going for you right now? -- Too much to count though I do count my blessings daily!
Day 28 - What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do? -- CRY. Cry, and cry some more.
Day 29 - Something you hope to change about yourself. And why. -- To be better than I was yesterday.
Day 30 - A letter to yourself, tell yourself everything you love about yourself. -- Nope, no more patting me on the back. I'm a good person, I live a good life, no need to go on about it...again.
Monday, November 11, 2013
Veteran's Day 2013
A Veteran's Day Tribute
These brave ones raised a hand;
No hesitation held them back;
They were proud to take a stand.
They gave up normal life;
To serve their country and their God,
They plowed into the strife.
On strange and foreign shores;
Some lost new friends; some lost their lives
In long and brutal wars.
To support the ones who fought;
Their country had requirements for
The essential skills they brought.
The noble and the brave,
The ones still with us here today,
And those who rest in a grave.
They’re a cut above the rest;
Let’s give the honor that is due
To our country’s very best.
Thank you,
J. Alan Coleman, USMC
Bill Harper, US Air Force
Bill Harper, US Air Force
Don Harper, US Army
My nephew, Jaz Livingstone - still in boot camp, Amanda Coleman, Cyle Slater, Chad Atkinson, John Sams, Floyd Peplinski, Brian Smith, John Bedingham, and Tom Truesdell, Tina Needham, Leah TerAvest and many, many more.
Thank you to all Soldiers for your service and dedication to our country.
Monday, October 21, 2013
30 Truths - Day 10 - Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know
These are getting tougher...
There are people in all of our lives that maybe aren't ideal. The ones who talk too loud, know it all, or don't treat us as we'd like to be treated. Some may be related, some not but, we all have them, just think of my poor family - they have me!
I don't want to focus on any one person, that's not fair (or nice) but, I who have been thinking a lot about disconnecting from a very popular online social networking site, will share with you my peeves as of late.
If you recognize yourself I'm truly sorry if pointing it out offended you, just remember this:
“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better." - Anne Lamott
There are people in all of our lives that maybe aren't ideal. The ones who talk too loud, know it all, or don't treat us as we'd like to be treated. Some may be related, some not but, we all have them, just think of my poor family - they have me!
I don't want to focus on any one person, that's not fair (or nice) but, I who have been thinking a lot about disconnecting from a very popular online social networking site, will share with you my peeves as of late.
If you recognize yourself I'm truly sorry if pointing it out offended you, just remember this:
“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better." - Anne Lamott
I'm so tired of the whiners, "How come you have? Where did you get? How come I didn't? Whaaa! Whaa! Whaa!"
And the mood changers, "I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm happy, I'm sad." They change almost every 20 minutes.
The ones who try to show you how great their lives are - They only ever share when they take a trip, or eat out, or do something the rest of us would be jealous of (if we were jealous people).
And the know it all - they know the contents of every encyclopedia, every law book. They know every rule and regulation and love to call you on it.
The perfect parents: They just disgust me beyond words. Yet, those parents who take these perfect parents to heart and judge their parenting by it, make me sad. None of us are perfect!
The chronic liker: They like every. Single. Post. You passed a test = Like. Your dog died = Like. This may never have happened to me nor could I possibly understand what you mean, I just like, like, like, like.
The drama queen: My boyfriend slept with my best friend who is his best friend's sister's mother's brother's baby momma but, they're still friends and I looooove him and we're going to get married.
The Prom King and Queen - busy, busy, busy, friends, friends, friends, go, go, go, anything goes - we love everyone and we're having a ball - Just look at us!
And then there's me - you never know what you're going to read or what I'm going to share and share often, maybe too often.
And so many, many more.
Social media has it's pluses. I love being in contact with my cousins again, aunts and of course my sisters nieces, nephews and old friends but sometimes, every once in awhile I can't help but wonder if some people were just meant to stay in your past. I believe that people we meet come along to either teach us something or to learn something. By keeping them at our fingertips are we just creating more trouble for ourselves? Are we interfering with the natural order?
Social media often just makes my blood boil. Sure, it's easy to say "block" or "delete" but, it's not as easy to do - especially when/if people are confrontational or you post so often that people would notice if you suddenly disappeared. It's kind of all or nothing, sometimes I wish I had never started.
Friday, October 18, 2013
30 Truths - Day 9 - Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted.
Someone? One? Sadly there are many.
When I left my little hometown, I, without knowing it would happen like this, without knowing I'd lose friends because of it, grew up, changed, moved on, revamped, almost every part of my life. Slowly, ever so slowly, the things I once saw as fun - drinking, smoking, staying out late - all transitioned into things I didn't really want to do anymore. The people that I hung around with wanted to keep going in this life but, it just wasn't the road I wanted. Maybe it wasn't the road they wanted either but, I had the opportunity to move on, to improve, to make better choices and I took it.
When I started working down here, I knew I had a chance to reinvent myself. No one knew me. No one knew my family. No one knew I'd been fired from my last job. No one knew ANYTHING other than what I wanted to tell them. I took that totally to heart. Maybe to the extreme. I didn't tell much about my life back home. I worked hard, worked all I could, made new friends and a new name for myself. All by myself.
I got really tired of always being the one to do. I was always the one to do the traveling, to go back home. No one wanted to make the drive (effort) to come see me. I could make the drive every weekend for every little thing every one wanted me to attend but, no one ever wanted to make that effort for me. I began to question, what TRUE friends had I made?
I think it was my brother who said, you'll begin to notice every time you come home you'll see the same people doing the same thing they were doing when you left. They'll cut you down every chance they get but, just watch, they'll still be there. I began to think of the guys I hung out with in the bar - I'd been gone from home for about 7 years and this one guy who was sitting in the bar the day I left home was still sitting there every time I came back through town. Same guy, miserable in the same job, with the same money problems, sitting on the same stool, drinking the same beer, bitching the same speech! I knew then, I was the change. I had the opportunity to do, to be, to change. And I did!
As my job changed, I began to see people differently, and I'm sure to some I became snobby or stuck up. I guess in a way, maybe I am. I've learned that I can, as I call it, let my inner hillbilly run wild and free or...not. I've learned that I choose.
As I changed, my tolerance for drama queens and bullshitters is not what it once was. I don't tolerate either of them very well. As I get older, it's more and more difficult to hide my intolerance.
As my thoughts changed, it was less about me. It's not about my needs or my wants. It's about my child, my husband, my family - it's about what they need. About what they want. Everything I do reflects on them. I am responsible to be my best. They deserve that.
I look at myself and this person I have become. I'm still just as fun, I'm still just as mouthy, as 'speak my mind' as I've always been. My morals, my values, my principles remain the same as they always have. I've just grown up and it's important to me to live them.
I have lost some good friends through all of this. I'll always be sorry/sad for that. I wholeheartedly believe that there are no coincidences in life. God brings us the people we need when we need them. At every moment in my life, God brought me the right people. I hope he gave me to someone at a moment when they needed me. I hope they are sorry/sad and miss me too.
When I left my little hometown, I, without knowing it would happen like this, without knowing I'd lose friends because of it, grew up, changed, moved on, revamped, almost every part of my life. Slowly, ever so slowly, the things I once saw as fun - drinking, smoking, staying out late - all transitioned into things I didn't really want to do anymore. The people that I hung around with wanted to keep going in this life but, it just wasn't the road I wanted. Maybe it wasn't the road they wanted either but, I had the opportunity to move on, to improve, to make better choices and I took it.
When I started working down here, I knew I had a chance to reinvent myself. No one knew me. No one knew my family. No one knew I'd been fired from my last job. No one knew ANYTHING other than what I wanted to tell them. I took that totally to heart. Maybe to the extreme. I didn't tell much about my life back home. I worked hard, worked all I could, made new friends and a new name for myself. All by myself.
I got really tired of always being the one to do. I was always the one to do the traveling, to go back home. No one wanted to make the drive (effort) to come see me. I could make the drive every weekend for every little thing every one wanted me to attend but, no one ever wanted to make that effort for me. I began to question, what TRUE friends had I made?
I think it was my brother who said, you'll begin to notice every time you come home you'll see the same people doing the same thing they were doing when you left. They'll cut you down every chance they get but, just watch, they'll still be there. I began to think of the guys I hung out with in the bar - I'd been gone from home for about 7 years and this one guy who was sitting in the bar the day I left home was still sitting there every time I came back through town. Same guy, miserable in the same job, with the same money problems, sitting on the same stool, drinking the same beer, bitching the same speech! I knew then, I was the change. I had the opportunity to do, to be, to change. And I did!
As my job changed, I began to see people differently, and I'm sure to some I became snobby or stuck up. I guess in a way, maybe I am. I've learned that I can, as I call it, let my inner hillbilly run wild and free or...not. I've learned that I choose.
As I changed, my tolerance for drama queens and bullshitters is not what it once was. I don't tolerate either of them very well. As I get older, it's more and more difficult to hide my intolerance.
As my thoughts changed, it was less about me. It's not about my needs or my wants. It's about my child, my husband, my family - it's about what they need. About what they want. Everything I do reflects on them. I am responsible to be my best. They deserve that.
I look at myself and this person I have become. I'm still just as fun, I'm still just as mouthy, as 'speak my mind' as I've always been. My morals, my values, my principles remain the same as they always have. I've just grown up and it's important to me to live them.
I have lost some good friends through all of this. I'll always be sorry/sad for that. I wholeheartedly believe that there are no coincidences in life. God brings us the people we need when we need them. At every moment in my life, God brought me the right people. I hope he gave me to someone at a moment when they needed me. I hope they are sorry/sad and miss me too.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
30 Truths - Day 8 - Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
I worked almost all through high school, after school, on weekends. I didn't mind. I had a boyfriend that lived in a different town and calling him was long distance. I needed a job to pay the phone bill...and buy shoes.
I started working at this fast food restaurant somewhere in my Junior year. I had a small idea of what I was getting into as one of my older sisters and my brother also worked there. What I didn't know was one of the managers would hate me based simply on my sister being my sister. This girl had started working there as a teenager with my sister and was EXTREMELY jealous of the relationship my sister had with the family who owned this restaurant. It didn't matter that my sister was now dead. My brother worked there for a short time, and this woman deemed him "a quitter that couldn't take it". Yeah. It was like that.
She talked about me behind my back to the other employees, most of which I went to school with. I remember one year, we did secret Santa for our Christmas party, not only did she tell the girl I had picked that I had her name, she told her what I'd bought her as well. Shame on me for trusting her enough to share. She would change my schedule after the owner had written it to better accommodate her minions - generally this made it so I didn't work with her but, made my weekends a little tough.
I am allergic to that really cheap, pink dish-soap and we often ran out of the restaurant soap so they'd go over to the grocery store and buy that cheap pink crap. If I use it, my hand and arms break out in an itchy red rash, my skin scales - it's gross. On my shifts, she'd hide our regular dish-soap and put out that pink crap just for me. I overheard her one evening telling one of the girls not to wash glasses in that soap, and watched as she took her to the office and gave her a cup of the other soap. What a gal!
One weekend morning, I was working with her in the kitchen, I rarely worked out front, this old woman came in. She ordered her lunch and was sitting at a table eating it. I was back in the kitchen, the counter girl (another one of her minions) was working out front and this old woman screams "I'm messing!" and runs for the bathroom. Come to find out, this woman had shit herself at the table. Shit on the chair. Shit on the floor. A trail of yellow water shit on the floor all the way to the bathroom. And of course, all over the bathroom.
Normally, front of house people are responsible for the front of house. I was back of house. BUT, since I was not one of her chosen ones, guess who got to clean up the mess? Yep, lucky me. She wouldn't give me any rubber gloves. Nor would she allow me to leave the store and go purchase any. As ignorant as she was, she didn't give me anything antibacterial or disinfecting to clean this shit up with either. I mopped up the mess with hot water, took the chair out and sprayed it with the hose while she and her minions took turns watching from the door laughing at me.
I washed my hands and arms as best I could, using the hottest water I could stand and went back to work. I went home that night and told my mom what had happened. She made me scrub again from head to toe. I wouldn't let her call the owners. It would have only made the situation worse. I quit there one week after graduation and never looked back.
I've also learned how to stand up for myself and never allow myself to be treated that way again!
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
30 Truths - Day 7 - Someone who has made your life worth living for.
I disagree with this statement.
I do not believe any one person is responsible for another person's happiness, worth or self worth. I live my life for me not for anyone else. I'm responsible for my actions, my morals, my thoughts and my deeds. I choose. No one else has that power over another person. No one should have that power over another person. It's taken me a long time to realize that I control this life. I control who comes in and who goes out of it (sometimes), I control how I react or if I don't. Sure, I have responsibilities to my family - my husband, my son. My husband does not dictate to me what my responsibilities are to him. I choose them based on my morals and principles. It's my responsibility with my husband to teach my child to love himself and embrace who he is. To make his own way and follow his own path. To stand up for his beliefs and to compromise when he can. I wasn't taught that.
Enough soapbox talk.
There are many people in my life that I love dearly, that I couldn't imagine a moment without. People who help to make my life GREAT!
Jeremy and Jacob, of course. I could do it without them. I don't ever want to but, I could. I love my husband and my child but, neither of them make my life worth living. I do that. They are part of me but, they don't make me. I couldn't ask for a better partner or friend than my husband. I cherish almost every moment with him. There are a few he could keep to himself. :) And my Jacob, oh my Jacob. This kid is my sun and my moon. And he is me. All of my faults - he has every one! But, he also has my heart. He loves BIG and he hugs tight! Like my mom, to lose one of them would render me a different person. I would survive it but, I don't think I'd want to.
My family. I have lost one sister and I don't want to lose any more, I have three, very different, very awesome sisters and my one and only big brother, I couldn't imagine this life any differently than what it is. They're my siblings, some days are great, some not so great but, they're still my family and no matter what, I love them all. Seriously, did you really think you could take 5 fiercely independent, (I mean this in a good way and I'm speaking of myself here too) stubborn, opinionated and determined people, put them together and have us all never, ever disagree, never argue, never get angry? Wow! You must be naive! We can and we do disagree but, at the end of the day, they're still my family. I don't care. I still love them! God knows I love them! And they love me too! Right? You guys do love me? Don'tcha? Hello?
My in-laws. It's been a very tough road. Like magnets, no matter how hard you try two Norths won't come together nor will two Souths. At times, you can let yourself slide and flip to make an attraction but, some things you just cannot compromise, can't flip. I have learned a lot of lessons with them and I have many more to go. I hope one day it gets easier to flip direction and come together more often. I do appreciate them and I haven't given up all hope.
My friends. Man, do I have some amazing friends. It's a short list. It's a distinguished list. I like quality, not quantity and I've picked some great ones. Some new, a few old but, really, really terrifically, great people. I wish some of us had remained close and I'm sad for some that I have lost but, alas that is another post (coming soon in this challenge).
I'm sitting here counting all of you and I'm glad you're here. I've pulled out a few memories and smiled. I've thought of a few others and choked back some tears. Even though I can't say you have made my life "worth living for", you sure have given me a ton of laughs, a bucket of tears, a bushel of good times, and just a little pint of sadness. I wouldn't trade a moment of it. I cherish it all.
I do not believe any one person is responsible for another person's happiness, worth or self worth. I live my life for me not for anyone else. I'm responsible for my actions, my morals, my thoughts and my deeds. I choose. No one else has that power over another person. No one should have that power over another person. It's taken me a long time to realize that I control this life. I control who comes in and who goes out of it (sometimes), I control how I react or if I don't. Sure, I have responsibilities to my family - my husband, my son. My husband does not dictate to me what my responsibilities are to him. I choose them based on my morals and principles. It's my responsibility with my husband to teach my child to love himself and embrace who he is. To make his own way and follow his own path. To stand up for his beliefs and to compromise when he can. I wasn't taught that.
Enough soapbox talk.
There are many people in my life that I love dearly, that I couldn't imagine a moment without. People who help to make my life GREAT!
Jeremy and Jacob, of course. I could do it without them. I don't ever want to but, I could. I love my husband and my child but, neither of them make my life worth living. I do that. They are part of me but, they don't make me. I couldn't ask for a better partner or friend than my husband. I cherish almost every moment with him. There are a few he could keep to himself. :) And my Jacob, oh my Jacob. This kid is my sun and my moon. And he is me. All of my faults - he has every one! But, he also has my heart. He loves BIG and he hugs tight! Like my mom, to lose one of them would render me a different person. I would survive it but, I don't think I'd want to.
My family. I have lost one sister and I don't want to lose any more, I have three, very different, very awesome sisters and my one and only big brother, I couldn't imagine this life any differently than what it is. They're my siblings, some days are great, some not so great but, they're still my family and no matter what, I love them all. Seriously, did you really think you could take 5 fiercely independent, (I mean this in a good way and I'm speaking of myself here too) stubborn, opinionated and determined people, put them together and have us all never, ever disagree, never argue, never get angry? Wow! You must be naive! We can and we do disagree but, at the end of the day, they're still my family. I don't care. I still love them! God knows I love them! And they love me too! Right? You guys do love me? Don'tcha? Hello?
My in-laws. It's been a very tough road. Like magnets, no matter how hard you try two Norths won't come together nor will two Souths. At times, you can let yourself slide and flip to make an attraction but, some things you just cannot compromise, can't flip. I have learned a lot of lessons with them and I have many more to go. I hope one day it gets easier to flip direction and come together more often. I do appreciate them and I haven't given up all hope.
My friends. Man, do I have some amazing friends. It's a short list. It's a distinguished list. I like quality, not quantity and I've picked some great ones. Some new, a few old but, really, really terrifically, great people. I wish some of us had remained close and I'm sad for some that I have lost but, alas that is another post (coming soon in this challenge).
I'm sitting here counting all of you and I'm glad you're here. I've pulled out a few memories and smiled. I've thought of a few others and choked back some tears. Even though I can't say you have made my life "worth living for", you sure have given me a ton of laughs, a bucket of tears, a bushel of good times, and just a little pint of sadness. I wouldn't trade a moment of it. I cherish it all.
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
30 Truths - Day 6 - Something you hope you never have to do.
There is one thing, I hope and I pray I never, ever, never, ever have to do.
Bury my child.
Most of you know I lost my sister when I was 10 years old but, my mom and my dad, they both lost their child, their daughter. I grew up in the shadow of their loss. I was always watched in fear of losing me too. Life changed after she was gone. I always called when I was going to be late. Never left the house with out a hug and always, always, always told my mom that I loved her. I knew what it was to have someone you love leave home and never ever come back.
My dad wasn't home with us at the time so I don't remember any of his actions or reactions. I remember my mom in those days. Her actions, her behaviors are not for me to condemn or to praise. I was only 10 at the time and my understanding is the understanding of a 10 year old. Not a 40 year old, and not from the perspective of a mother. Simply said, my mother was a wreck. She was totally irrational, off the deep end, out in left field. What else could she be? She was a woman who had to bury her child. No parent should ever have to bury their child.
I look back at my mom, and well, my mother is a story all in its own but, looking back now, I can see the things that never came back to her after my sister died. My mom was never the same person. She was changed, forever scarred. Though all of us miss Valerie, I can see the portion cut from my mom where Val is missing.
Death is so strange and I say this as someone who speaks to the dead and I have spoken with both my sister and my dad. My dad is free, free of his disease, free of his burdens. I now understand why he was sent here, what his purpose was and he is with my sister. My sister, she walks with me all of the time - with all of us. I do know why she was put with us and why she was taken back to her heavenly home. I know what death is. Yet knowing this, and doing what I do, to lose my precious (precocious) Jacob, I would be ruined. I don't know that I could come back. That I wouldn't be forever scarred.
He used to often ask me if this one, or that one, the police, his firefighter friends, etc. would be sad when he died. That sadness is immeasurable and many times I had to choke back my tears because I do know how sad all of these people my son has touched would truly be and it breaks my heart how many lives this kid has touched.
Most of all, mine.
Bury my child.
Most of you know I lost my sister when I was 10 years old but, my mom and my dad, they both lost their child, their daughter. I grew up in the shadow of their loss. I was always watched in fear of losing me too. Life changed after she was gone. I always called when I was going to be late. Never left the house with out a hug and always, always, always told my mom that I loved her. I knew what it was to have someone you love leave home and never ever come back.
My dad wasn't home with us at the time so I don't remember any of his actions or reactions. I remember my mom in those days. Her actions, her behaviors are not for me to condemn or to praise. I was only 10 at the time and my understanding is the understanding of a 10 year old. Not a 40 year old, and not from the perspective of a mother. Simply said, my mother was a wreck. She was totally irrational, off the deep end, out in left field. What else could she be? She was a woman who had to bury her child. No parent should ever have to bury their child.
I look back at my mom, and well, my mother is a story all in its own but, looking back now, I can see the things that never came back to her after my sister died. My mom was never the same person. She was changed, forever scarred. Though all of us miss Valerie, I can see the portion cut from my mom where Val is missing.
Death is so strange and I say this as someone who speaks to the dead and I have spoken with both my sister and my dad. My dad is free, free of his disease, free of his burdens. I now understand why he was sent here, what his purpose was and he is with my sister. My sister, she walks with me all of the time - with all of us. I do know why she was put with us and why she was taken back to her heavenly home. I know what death is. Yet knowing this, and doing what I do, to lose my precious (precocious) Jacob, I would be ruined. I don't know that I could come back. That I wouldn't be forever scarred.
He used to often ask me if this one, or that one, the police, his firefighter friends, etc. would be sad when he died. That sadness is immeasurable and many times I had to choke back my tears because I do know how sad all of these people my son has touched would truly be and it breaks my heart how many lives this kid has touched.
Most of all, mine.
Monday, October 7, 2013
30 Truths - Day 5 - Something you hope to do in your life.
You know sometimes, life just gets in the way of all of our best intentions. I didn't intend for all this time (I haven't checked to see just how much time) to pass by since the last time I wrote. Quickly - my kid went back to school, hubs got a promotion and for me, the year end shit hit the fan. So sorry. Let's get back to this task, shall we? I'm excited to get back here and get writing again.
Something I hope to do in my life.
Well, I'm working on that. As some of you know, I have found out that I have this CRAZY psychic/medium thing going on. I didn't wake up one morning and decide "I'm going to hear dead people talking to me", it just kind of happened. The more I tried to ignore it, the worse the migraines were getting. I have learned to embrace it, to not be so afraid to share it, and to just go with it. It's helped to restore much of my faith and really, it's helped me to become a better person.
Where am I going with this?
I want to continue on this path. I think I want to work as a healer in some way, I'd like to keep taking classes to expand my knowledge (if there is anything left up there to absorb any more).
I'm enjoying this new peace within myself, my new relationship with God and my faith. I keep thinking how I have only taken such small steps to get this far, what happens when I take bigger steps?
I'm not sure I really answered the question.
I'd like to pursue the psychic/medium avenue, eventually even full time. I'd like to become a Reiki Master. What is Reiki? Healing through Energy is the best description. I used the think a chiropractor was a quack until I hurt my back and went to one, so when I found this a few minutes ago - Quackwatch and well, there are skeptics and there are believers for just about everything!
I've never charged a fee for any of the work I have done. In fact, the last three or four years, I have considered myself "in training". I've worked with quite a few people and I've enjoyed learning and, I'm sure I'll consider myself as learning for a long time. I am learning. And I'm enjoying what I'm learning. Isn't that as it should be?
Something I hope to do in my life.
Well, I'm working on that. As some of you know, I have found out that I have this CRAZY psychic/medium thing going on. I didn't wake up one morning and decide "I'm going to hear dead people talking to me", it just kind of happened. The more I tried to ignore it, the worse the migraines were getting. I have learned to embrace it, to not be so afraid to share it, and to just go with it. It's helped to restore much of my faith and really, it's helped me to become a better person.
Where am I going with this?
I want to continue on this path. I think I want to work as a healer in some way, I'd like to keep taking classes to expand my knowledge (if there is anything left up there to absorb any more).
I'm enjoying this new peace within myself, my new relationship with God and my faith. I keep thinking how I have only taken such small steps to get this far, what happens when I take bigger steps?
I'm not sure I really answered the question.
I'd like to pursue the psychic/medium avenue, eventually even full time. I'd like to become a Reiki Master. What is Reiki? Healing through Energy is the best description. I used the think a chiropractor was a quack until I hurt my back and went to one, so when I found this a few minutes ago - Quackwatch and well, there are skeptics and there are believers for just about everything!
I've never charged a fee for any of the work I have done. In fact, the last three or four years, I have considered myself "in training". I've worked with quite a few people and I've enjoyed learning and, I'm sure I'll consider myself as learning for a long time. I am learning. And I'm enjoying what I'm learning. Isn't that as it should be?
Thursday, August 29, 2013
30 Truths - Day 4 - Something you have to forgive someone for.
I took a little break for vacation. And these are hard to write!
So, something I have to forgive someone for...
Well, I have a lot of people that I need to forgive for the same thing.
I have high expectations of myself. I have high expectations of how people should be treated and how they should treat me, yet I don't think I do such a great job doing this myself.
It's hard for people to live up to expectations or follow the rules if you don't tell them what the rules or expectations are. Or tolerating negative behavior without acknowledging your distaste for it. I am guilty of this. Very guilty.
I guess it sounds a little strange, why would I forgive someone for not living up to expectations that I have created? Because in my mind, they've wronged me by failing me. Knowingly or unknowingly, they have hurt me. I need to forgive that hurt and let it go.
For instance, I help you out of a rough spot financially and you take your time paying me back while spending money on other things in the meantime. You finally mutter a "thank you" and we part ways without you ever paying me back, without even acknowledging my help - not that I need the credit but, just to take the credit for yourself?. I'm going to forgive you but, we're not going to stay friends and I'm not going to loan or do anything for you again. Ever.
I allowed this to happen. I forgive the behavior but, I can't forget that it happened. I learned a lesson and lessons always stay with you.
We all expect to be treated fairly, with dignity, with respect but, it's very hard when others don't give it return. What I'm saying is I forgive those who haven't treated me fairly in the past, those who cannot respect my feelings, my wishes or my self. In some cases there have been new starts, time to gradually review and rebuild. Sadly (or not) some are lost forever.
I guess forgiving is not forgetting.
I'm learning to voice myself better, to stand up for my feelings, to say 'no' - that's the biggest one and to sort out the others. I'm learning to not have expectations of people, to see through to their core, their intention. I'm learning to make better choices. Forgiving all the way.
So, something I have to forgive someone for...
Well, I have a lot of people that I need to forgive for the same thing.
I have high expectations of myself. I have high expectations of how people should be treated and how they should treat me, yet I don't think I do such a great job doing this myself.
It's hard for people to live up to expectations or follow the rules if you don't tell them what the rules or expectations are. Or tolerating negative behavior without acknowledging your distaste for it. I am guilty of this. Very guilty.
I guess it sounds a little strange, why would I forgive someone for not living up to expectations that I have created? Because in my mind, they've wronged me by failing me. Knowingly or unknowingly, they have hurt me. I need to forgive that hurt and let it go.
For instance, I help you out of a rough spot financially and you take your time paying me back while spending money on other things in the meantime. You finally mutter a "thank you" and we part ways without you ever paying me back, without even acknowledging my help - not that I need the credit but, just to take the credit for yourself?. I'm going to forgive you but, we're not going to stay friends and I'm not going to loan or do anything for you again. Ever.
I allowed this to happen. I forgive the behavior but, I can't forget that it happened. I learned a lesson and lessons always stay with you.
We all expect to be treated fairly, with dignity, with respect but, it's very hard when others don't give it return. What I'm saying is I forgive those who haven't treated me fairly in the past, those who cannot respect my feelings, my wishes or my self. In some cases there have been new starts, time to gradually review and rebuild. Sadly (or not) some are lost forever.
I guess forgiving is not forgetting.
I'm learning to voice myself better, to stand up for my feelings, to say 'no' - that's the biggest one and to sort out the others. I'm learning to not have expectations of people, to see through to their core, their intention. I'm learning to make better choices. Forgiving all the way.
Friday, August 16, 2013
30 Truths - Day 3 - Something I need to forgive myself for
Not being good enough.
Am I a good wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend, daughter-in-law?
Most times, I feel like a failure in all of these categories. Some times I feel I'm hit or miss.
I often think back to my teacher and I think of how she failed me. Things she should have shown me but, didn't. Things she was that I should have never seen. Things she did in front me that I never should have seen. Should I have known better, earlier to have been able to make myself better? How could I be better if my teacher didn't show me? If she didn't lead by example?
You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better. ~ Anne Lamott
I'm always striving - and you've heard this hundreds of times - to be better. To be better than I was taught or shown, to be better than the example set before me. To do the right thing. To be kind.
I love my child and I want to be a better example for him. I don't ever want him to hear (and not that I would say this) me say he's selfish, or spoiled, or manipulative, or conniving. I am not any of those things but, all of my life I have been told that I am. There are times when he does jerky things or he's mean to me or someone else and I'm working very hard to talk with him and explain myself as opposed to call him names.
I love my sisters and I wish we would have been taught to embrace each other. I wish just once, she would have said "That is your sister. One day I will be gone and she will be all you have. Be kind to her." Instead I feel as if we were taught to go against each other, to hurt each other. Like there was a reward in being mean. Maybe even to stab each other in the back. Almost as if that was encouraged. As if by her tearing us down, we couldn't unite against her.
Every person we meet crosses our paths for a reason. To teach us or for us to teach. It's not up to us to look down our noses at them for having less money, or less "class", education, fat, thin, black, white, more or less. What is that Jesus says?
33But Peter said to Him, "Even though all may fall away because of You, I will never fall away."34Jesus said to him, "Truly I say to you that this very night, before a rooster crows, you will deny Me three times." 35Peter said to Him, "Even if I have to die with You, I will not deny You." All the disciples said the same thing too.
I don't know what your faith is or if you know this story but, Jesus came to the door 3 times, looking for food, looking for water, looking for shelter and 3 times he was denied.
How would I know if someone without education is my test? How would I know if a "black" man was my test? It's not my job to cast judgement on either of them. It's my job to do what is right. Do "fat" people deserve to not have friends? Do "dirty" people not deserve a meal? Do "poor" deserve to not have a drink? Did her children not deserve kindness? Did the people she was "friends" with deserve to have their secrets shared? I thought all of this was ok. I was taught to be like that!
I won't deny it again. (Sadly we're in a day and age when it people cannot be trusted so I always go with my gut. When my gut tells me to do, I do.)
I need to forgive myself for not knowing any better, for not being shown any better and to simply do the best I can moving forward.
I'm working on it. I'm learning. I'm letting go. And I'm doing it.
“Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it." ~ Ann Landers
Am I a good wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend, daughter-in-law?
Most times, I feel like a failure in all of these categories. Some times I feel I'm hit or miss.
I often think back to my teacher and I think of how she failed me. Things she should have shown me but, didn't. Things she was that I should have never seen. Things she did in front me that I never should have seen. Should I have known better, earlier to have been able to make myself better? How could I be better if my teacher didn't show me? If she didn't lead by example?
You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better. ~ Anne Lamott
I'm always striving - and you've heard this hundreds of times - to be better. To be better than I was taught or shown, to be better than the example set before me. To do the right thing. To be kind.
I love my child and I want to be a better example for him. I don't ever want him to hear (and not that I would say this) me say he's selfish, or spoiled, or manipulative, or conniving. I am not any of those things but, all of my life I have been told that I am. There are times when he does jerky things or he's mean to me or someone else and I'm working very hard to talk with him and explain myself as opposed to call him names.
I love my sisters and I wish we would have been taught to embrace each other. I wish just once, she would have said "That is your sister. One day I will be gone and she will be all you have. Be kind to her." Instead I feel as if we were taught to go against each other, to hurt each other. Like there was a reward in being mean. Maybe even to stab each other in the back. Almost as if that was encouraged. As if by her tearing us down, we couldn't unite against her.
Every person we meet crosses our paths for a reason. To teach us or for us to teach. It's not up to us to look down our noses at them for having less money, or less "class", education, fat, thin, black, white, more or less. What is that Jesus says?
33But Peter said to Him, "Even though all may fall away because of You, I will never fall away."34Jesus said to him, "Truly I say to you that this very night, before a rooster crows, you will deny Me three times." 35Peter said to Him, "Even if I have to die with You, I will not deny You." All the disciples said the same thing too.
I don't know what your faith is or if you know this story but, Jesus came to the door 3 times, looking for food, looking for water, looking for shelter and 3 times he was denied.
How would I know if someone without education is my test? How would I know if a "black" man was my test? It's not my job to cast judgement on either of them. It's my job to do what is right. Do "fat" people deserve to not have friends? Do "dirty" people not deserve a meal? Do "poor" deserve to not have a drink? Did her children not deserve kindness? Did the people she was "friends" with deserve to have their secrets shared? I thought all of this was ok. I was taught to be like that!
I won't deny it again. (Sadly we're in a day and age when it people cannot be trusted so I always go with my gut. When my gut tells me to do, I do.)
I need to forgive myself for not knowing any better, for not being shown any better and to simply do the best I can moving forward.
I'm working on it. I'm learning. I'm letting go. And I'm doing it.
“Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it." ~ Ann Landers
Thursday, August 15, 2013
30 Truths - Day 2 - Something I love about myself
Something I love about myself...something I love about myself...hmm...
This is really hard. There isn't anything I LOVE about myself...that just seems so egotistical, too full of...me. And that's not me. I'm not full of myself.
I can't tell you what I LOVE about myself but, I can tell you some things I do like about me.
I like that I have common sense.
I am well read.
I am honest. Mostly because I'm too forgetful to lie.
I can cook.
I am determined.
I am strong-willed and stubborn. Yes, I do like that about myself.
I do enough dumb things to be entertaining. I am always good for a laugh.
I am never afraid to try - unless it involves heights or spiders - then never mind.
I am organized. Sometimes overly.
I am fiercely independent. Fiercely. Ask my husband about opening jars for me.
Integrity, and work ethic, are VERY important to me.
I don't give up or give in if I know I'm right.
I won't speak up if there is a chance I am wrong.
I complete most anything I start.
In this life, as a person and a parent, I think it's very important to love your inner self and I do. I believe a positive body image and self confidence are very important things to have, very important things to teach our children. I do love my self. I am confident in my self but, I can't go off on a huge ego trip - tooting my own horn - that's not for me. I'm not that way.
“Love yourself. Forgive yourself. Be true to yourself. How you treat yourself sets the standard for how others will treat you.” ~Steve Maraboli
This is really hard. There isn't anything I LOVE about myself...that just seems so egotistical, too full of...me. And that's not me. I'm not full of myself.
I can't tell you what I LOVE about myself but, I can tell you some things I do like about me.
I like that I have common sense.
I am well read.
I am honest. Mostly because I'm too forgetful to lie.
I can cook.
I am determined.
I am strong-willed and stubborn. Yes, I do like that about myself.
I do enough dumb things to be entertaining. I am always good for a laugh.
I am never afraid to try - unless it involves heights or spiders - then never mind.
I am organized. Sometimes overly.
I am fiercely independent. Fiercely. Ask my husband about opening jars for me.
Integrity, and work ethic, are VERY important to me.
I don't give up or give in if I know I'm right.
I won't speak up if there is a chance I am wrong.
I complete most anything I start.
In this life, as a person and a parent, I think it's very important to love your inner self and I do. I believe a positive body image and self confidence are very important things to have, very important things to teach our children. I do love my self. I am confident in my self but, I can't go off on a huge ego trip - tooting my own horn - that's not for me. I'm not that way.
“Love yourself. Forgive yourself. Be true to yourself. How you treat yourself sets the standard for how others will treat you.” ~Steve Maraboli
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
30 Days of Truth - Day 1 - Something I hate about myself
Nothing like starting out with a HUGE truth right from Go. Couldn't we start with an easy one? A little warm up? No way! Just jump in. Head first. Take a dive!
Something I hate about myself.
I hate that I wear my heart on my sleeve.
I hate that expression. I hate that I was fired from a job and that was the line I was given when it was laid out before me. "You wear your heart on your sleeve and unfortunately, that doesn't fit in here." For the longest time, I thought it was an insult. I thought it was something really bad. I mean, I lost my job over it.
So, I hid it. When I first moved away, I tried to be quiet and dependant and girly and well, it didn't work out so good. I wasn't standing up for myself. I was letting others control me, think for me, take advantage of me and, I didn't like that.
Margaret Thatcher said this, "To wear your heart on your sleeve isn't a very good plan; you should wear it inside, where it functions best." She's right.
Like it or not, it's true. If I'm feeling something, sad, hurt, angry - whatever, if I feel it you'll feel it too. And when I say feel, I mean FEEEEL. You FEEL it in your bones. To your core.
I hate that my facial expressions, my eyes, my smirk, they give me away every time. Some of you may not know me well enough to have experienced this. I've noticed it more with Jeremy.
I am loud - I did not come equipped with an inside voice. I am not soft spoken. Ever.
I am opinionated. Have you not noticed?
I say what I think and I mean what I say. I often forget about tact. I hate that too.
I can't hide.
I accept it.
I wear my heart on my sleeve.
Though it makes me look or sometimes feel like a backwoods hick, I wouldn't trade it.
I know what I want. I know what I'll take, what I'll accept or tolerate. I'm not a door mat and I never ever will be.
I wear my heart on my sleeve.
You'll always know where you stand with me - even if you can't give that back in return. Even if sometimes it's hard to understand or to go along with. It may make it hard to like me. Or make you wonder if my friendship is worth the challenge.
I always know who I am, I always know where I belong. I don't like situations where I know I don't belong and I try to avoid those (like a freaking plague).
At the end of the day, I am who I am. Love me or hate me. I wear my heart on my sleeve.
And I still hate it.
Something I hate about myself.
I hate that I wear my heart on my sleeve.
I hate that expression. I hate that I was fired from a job and that was the line I was given when it was laid out before me. "You wear your heart on your sleeve and unfortunately, that doesn't fit in here." For the longest time, I thought it was an insult. I thought it was something really bad. I mean, I lost my job over it.
So, I hid it. When I first moved away, I tried to be quiet and dependant and girly and well, it didn't work out so good. I wasn't standing up for myself. I was letting others control me, think for me, take advantage of me and, I didn't like that.
Margaret Thatcher said this, "To wear your heart on your sleeve isn't a very good plan; you should wear it inside, where it functions best." She's right.
Like it or not, it's true. If I'm feeling something, sad, hurt, angry - whatever, if I feel it you'll feel it too. And when I say feel, I mean FEEEEL. You FEEL it in your bones. To your core.
I hate that my facial expressions, my eyes, my smirk, they give me away every time. Some of you may not know me well enough to have experienced this. I've noticed it more with Jeremy.
I am loud - I did not come equipped with an inside voice. I am not soft spoken. Ever.
I am opinionated. Have you not noticed?
I say what I think and I mean what I say. I often forget about tact. I hate that too.
I can't hide.
I accept it.
I wear my heart on my sleeve.
Though it makes me look or sometimes feel like a backwoods hick, I wouldn't trade it.
I know what I want. I know what I'll take, what I'll accept or tolerate. I'm not a door mat and I never ever will be.
I wear my heart on my sleeve.
You'll always know where you stand with me - even if you can't give that back in return. Even if sometimes it's hard to understand or to go along with. It may make it hard to like me. Or make you wonder if my friendship is worth the challenge.
I always know who I am, I always know where I belong. I don't like situations where I know I don't belong and I try to avoid those (like a freaking plague).
At the end of the day, I am who I am. Love me or hate me. I wear my heart on my sleeve.
And I still hate it.
Monday, August 12, 2013
I like writing challenges, so?
I do like writing challenges. Really, I do. Especially 30 day writing challenges. I've been a little lacking in topic and these little hints or "writing prompts" are often just what I need to give me a boost.
I was searching around for prompts and I kept finding this 30 Days of Truth...talk about a wink! I'm leaning toward things that are open, honest, and even a little raw. I think this hits all of my targets.
30 Days of Truth:
Day 01 - Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 - Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 - Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 - Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 - Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 - Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 - Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 - Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 - Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 - Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 - Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 - Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 - A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 - A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 - Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 - Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 - A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 - Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 - What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 - Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 -Your best friend is in a car accident and you were in a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 - Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 - Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 - Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Title and letter).
Day 25 - The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 - Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 - What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 - What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 - Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 - A letter to yourself, tell yourself everything you love about yourself.
Wish me luck!
I was searching around for prompts and I kept finding this 30 Days of Truth...talk about a wink! I'm leaning toward things that are open, honest, and even a little raw. I think this hits all of my targets.
30 Days of Truth:
Day 01 - Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 - Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 - Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 - Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 - Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 - Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 - Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 - Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 - Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 - Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 - Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 - Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 - A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 - A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 - Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 - Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 - A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 - Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 - What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 - Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 -Your best friend is in a car accident and you were in a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 - Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 - Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 - Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Title and letter).
Day 25 - The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 - Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 - What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 - What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 - Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 - A letter to yourself, tell yourself everything you love about yourself.
Wish me luck!
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
TeeBall 2013
We made it through our first season of TeeBall. Jacob loved it! He learned some fundamentals and is now following all of baseball, checking our phones and reporting scores to us every morning.
He's getting to be a pretty good catch and he hits a pitch better than the ball on the tee. We'll see where it goes but, we know now, it's time to head to a real game, time to go see the best of the best. Next spring - St. Louis here we come!
Monday, August 5, 2013
And...moving on!
When I was younger, my mother bought a trailer on a river about 20 minutes away from our house. We'd spend a few weekends there a month. Sometimes just drive down for some quiet in the evenings. It wasn't much but, I loved that I could walk the river from one end of the road to the other all by myself, walk up into the sand dunes or visit the other 'weekenders' on the road.
There was one woman a few cottages down from us and I always enjoyed visiting her and her husband. She played this card game, golf, I think it was called and she'd always, always play with me. They also had a big dock on the river that I could tie my tube up to and just float there for as long as I wanted. I remember adding this woman's phone number to our little directory at home and I wrote "Mom" instead of her real name and apparently someone was a bit threatened and they crossed out what I had written, replacing it with this woman's name. I never really gave that much thought...
About the time I got married, maybe before I began to struggle with the words "Mom or mother". I had mine and to tell you the truth, there isn't much positive attached to it and as I got older that word came to mean less and less. More and more pain came from it. I got married and my mother-in-law (bless her heart) wanted to pull me in and become part of their family which is great and all but, for a girl with HUGE mother issues, I couldn't take on all the stigma of having another "mother" and this girl, this girl fled and fast with her hair on fire!
I always struggle with Mother's Day. Every gift was never enough, cards were always "too generic". It simply wasn't worth the effort. Add on the failures of infertility - wanting so badly to celebrate Mother's Day for yourself and it was simply a recipe for disaster. I remember our first Mother's Day - and second - both ending in total meltdown.
I'm taking back control of this Mother thing. Though I am not comfortable to call (almost) anyone "mother" or "mom" and probably never will be, and even if I may never celebrate my mother, I can celebrate some pretty fantastic women in my life! I have my sisters, my sister-in-laws, my wonderful aunts and some friends that I love and trust enough, who have been around long enough to allow me to open up in my own time.
Time to go forward. Forget the past. Pave a new way to the future. I pray that I have learned from my mother's mistakes to give my son a good mom. I pray harder for God to show me how to accept and love my daughter-in-law one day - better than my mom taught me in ahem...loving hers.
Oddly, I also went through my "to-read" book list this morning. I removed every book about being a daughter, a better daughter, some one's daughter or even had daughter in the title. I'm done looking at myself, trying to find the solution within me. I am a good person and the solution is not only mine. I was a child. I learned from the examples she set before me. I'm adult now and I know right from wrong. It's her turn to right some of these wrongs.
I'm moving on. I am going to be happy for my friends, and my cousins and those who do have terrific moms - those who are terrific moms. I want them to cherish how important it is to have a great mom - or even a good mom. I'm going to celebrate these wonderful women, with these wonderful women and just be happy, if not for me for them because it's just the right thing to do. The right way to move on.
There was one woman a few cottages down from us and I always enjoyed visiting her and her husband. She played this card game, golf, I think it was called and she'd always, always play with me. They also had a big dock on the river that I could tie my tube up to and just float there for as long as I wanted. I remember adding this woman's phone number to our little directory at home and I wrote "Mom" instead of her real name and apparently someone was a bit threatened and they crossed out what I had written, replacing it with this woman's name. I never really gave that much thought...
About the time I got married, maybe before I began to struggle with the words "Mom or mother". I had mine and to tell you the truth, there isn't much positive attached to it and as I got older that word came to mean less and less. More and more pain came from it. I got married and my mother-in-law (bless her heart) wanted to pull me in and become part of their family which is great and all but, for a girl with HUGE mother issues, I couldn't take on all the stigma of having another "mother" and this girl, this girl fled and fast with her hair on fire!
I always struggle with Mother's Day. Every gift was never enough, cards were always "too generic". It simply wasn't worth the effort. Add on the failures of infertility - wanting so badly to celebrate Mother's Day for yourself and it was simply a recipe for disaster. I remember our first Mother's Day - and second - both ending in total meltdown.
I'm taking back control of this Mother thing. Though I am not comfortable to call (almost) anyone "mother" or "mom" and probably never will be, and even if I may never celebrate my mother, I can celebrate some pretty fantastic women in my life! I have my sisters, my sister-in-laws, my wonderful aunts and some friends that I love and trust enough, who have been around long enough to allow me to open up in my own time.
Time to go forward. Forget the past. Pave a new way to the future. I pray that I have learned from my mother's mistakes to give my son a good mom. I pray harder for God to show me how to accept and love my daughter-in-law one day - better than my mom taught me in ahem...loving hers.
Oddly, I also went through my "to-read" book list this morning. I removed every book about being a daughter, a better daughter, some one's daughter or even had daughter in the title. I'm done looking at myself, trying to find the solution within me. I am a good person and the solution is not only mine. I was a child. I learned from the examples she set before me. I'm adult now and I know right from wrong. It's her turn to right some of these wrongs.
I'm moving on. I am going to be happy for my friends, and my cousins and those who do have terrific moms - those who are terrific moms. I want them to cherish how important it is to have a great mom - or even a good mom. I'm going to celebrate these wonderful women, with these wonderful women and just be happy, if not for me for them because it's just the right thing to do. The right way to move on.
Monday, July 29, 2013
Phoenix
A month or so ago, I took a class with Kristy Robinett to learn to use a specific oracle deck - Higher Intuitions Oracle.
From Aeclectic Tarot - Oracle decks, divination decks, meditation cards, and cartomantic or non-Tarot decks of all kinds. Oracle decks are used for similar purposes to Tarot cards, but have varying numbers of cards - from as low as 20 to as many as 144 - and may be based on any structure or any topic.
Okay - now we know what an oracle deck is!
Every now and again, when something gets me a little down and I'm not sure where to go or what to do, I pull a card from the deck (which is almost always with me).
I've been feeling a bit weighted down by some once important women in my life. I've been carrying some BIG, BIG, emotional luggage with me and I finally grabbed the cards this afternoon and did a little pull for myself. I shuffled my cards, repeating to myself - "What do I do? How do I handle this? What's next?" And I drew a card from the deck.
Phoenix.
Sidebar - I totally LOVE these cards! I love that there is a quote on each animal. I love that there are key words to relate. I just am in awe with these!
Back to Phoenix.
The quote: "When once you have tasted flight, you will always walk the Earth with your eyes turned skyward: For there you have been and there you will always be." ~ Henry Van Dyke
(I have to paraphrase here because Kristy's work is copyrighted and I do not have her written consent to reproduce her exact words.)
Essentially, I am preparing for a new life, a re-birth. It's time to let go of things and people from my past to enable me to move forward or upward. It's time for me to look within myself for God to lead me and show me the direction and to have faith - to be open to new ideas and experiences. It's time to release my fears and move on.
Hmm...
At one time, I was free. I didn't have all of these relationships to maintain, or now to fix. It was easy to just go along and whatever. As I'm getting older, quality is beginning to shove herself into my every day. I want better for myself. I want quality. I want the good stuff. No more margarine - give me the butter! I want the best parts - not what's left. I want not just time with my husband, I want time where we talk and enjoy each other's company. I don't want to just hang out with my son, I want laughter and memories and time to share. I have some quality friends that I've made for what they add to my life, not what they subtract and I've left the minus friends behind.
It's time to rebuild with bricks instead of sticks. It's time to let old habits die and build new, better, healthier ones. I feel like now really is my time to do that and it's okay if I don't want to feed the wolf at the door anymore. In fact, it's time for that wolf to pack her tricks and find some other bird, this phoenix is moving on!
There is a phoenix within all of us. Somewhere. A point where we stop doing the things we have always done and shift everything back around to rise again within ourselves to be who we want to be instead of what we have allowed ourselves to be. A time to be who we are, not who we are expected to be.
This dark cloud that has been over me most of today is now gone. I feel clear in my direction. I know I need to go home tonight, talk to God and start my new path.
As I was typing "talk to God" this verse came to mind: "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~ Jeremiah 29:11
From Aeclectic Tarot - Oracle decks, divination decks, meditation cards, and cartomantic or non-Tarot decks of all kinds. Oracle decks are used for similar purposes to Tarot cards, but have varying numbers of cards - from as low as 20 to as many as 144 - and may be based on any structure or any topic.
Okay - now we know what an oracle deck is!
Every now and again, when something gets me a little down and I'm not sure where to go or what to do, I pull a card from the deck (which is almost always with me).
I've been feeling a bit weighted down by some once important women in my life. I've been carrying some BIG, BIG, emotional luggage with me and I finally grabbed the cards this afternoon and did a little pull for myself. I shuffled my cards, repeating to myself - "What do I do? How do I handle this? What's next?" And I drew a card from the deck.
Phoenix.
Sidebar - I totally LOVE these cards! I love that there is a quote on each animal. I love that there are key words to relate. I just am in awe with these!
Back to Phoenix.
The quote: "When once you have tasted flight, you will always walk the Earth with your eyes turned skyward: For there you have been and there you will always be." ~ Henry Van Dyke
(I have to paraphrase here because Kristy's work is copyrighted and I do not have her written consent to reproduce her exact words.)
Essentially, I am preparing for a new life, a re-birth. It's time to let go of things and people from my past to enable me to move forward or upward. It's time for me to look within myself for God to lead me and show me the direction and to have faith - to be open to new ideas and experiences. It's time to release my fears and move on.
Hmm...
At one time, I was free. I didn't have all of these relationships to maintain, or now to fix. It was easy to just go along and whatever. As I'm getting older, quality is beginning to shove herself into my every day. I want better for myself. I want quality. I want the good stuff. No more margarine - give me the butter! I want the best parts - not what's left. I want not just time with my husband, I want time where we talk and enjoy each other's company. I don't want to just hang out with my son, I want laughter and memories and time to share. I have some quality friends that I've made for what they add to my life, not what they subtract and I've left the minus friends behind.
It's time to rebuild with bricks instead of sticks. It's time to let old habits die and build new, better, healthier ones. I feel like now really is my time to do that and it's okay if I don't want to feed the wolf at the door anymore. In fact, it's time for that wolf to pack her tricks and find some other bird, this phoenix is moving on!
There is a phoenix within all of us. Somewhere. A point where we stop doing the things we have always done and shift everything back around to rise again within ourselves to be who we want to be instead of what we have allowed ourselves to be. A time to be who we are, not who we are expected to be.
This dark cloud that has been over me most of today is now gone. I feel clear in my direction. I know I need to go home tonight, talk to God and start my new path.
As I was typing "talk to God" this verse came to mind: "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~ Jeremiah 29:11
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Toxicity
Toxicity is the degree to which a substance can damage an organism. Toxicity can refer to the effect on a whole organism, such as an animal, bacterium, or plant, as well as the effect on a substructure of the organism, such as a cell (cytotoxicity) or an organ such as the liver (hepatotoxicity). By extension, the word may be metaphorically used to describe toxic effects on larger and more complex groups, such as the family unit or society at large.
The word toxicity or toxic has been stuck in my head for a few weeks. I'm going to talk about something that most of my good friends already know, something I don't often speak of directly. This is my story. I will not include my sisters or my brother or their stories - it's not about them. I will not mention them in this - they may agree or disagree and what they choose to share or don't is their business, nor will I discuss anything about my parents relationship. I will use the collective "we" as there are things "we" have done as a family or I know my siblings have tried as well. This is about me and one person in my life. My toxic mother.
I guess it's not really a secret, I have barely spoken to my mother in almost 2 years. I used to talk to her every day, at least twice a day. Every day, twice a day, I heard from my mother how terribly we treat her, how we never help her, we never give her anything, or do anything for her and in general how we are just rotten, rotten ungrateful people. Can you imagine what hearing this everyday, twice a day, does to your soul? October 5, 2011, I told her that I couldn't take this any more, that I am not a terrible person, and I do not deserve to be talked to like this and I hung up the phone.
Before you go all "She's your mother" on me, remember you don't know this woman. And those of you who have met this woman, you only know what she has chosen to show you. You don't know guilt. You don't know manipulation. You don't know how she keeps a running list of every single time she has helped me, every single thing she has given to me and every single dollar she has loaned to me. You don't know that any gift I have ever given to her was never enough, never good enough or expensive enough, resulting in a 3 day, pissed off, pouting rant about how she does so much for me and I never give her anything in return. I have gone as far as purchasing an exact thing she has asked for and she was still mad at me for a week because she had to tell my what to buy.
Have you ever been accused of theft? Has your own mother accused you? Let me see, I have "stolen" her clothing, her shoes (nevermind that she wears a size 8 to my size 10), socks, underwear, panty hose, towels, makeup, hair products, sheets, dishes, food, you name it, she's accused me of stealing it at least once. The latest, maybe the biggest insult of all - her wedding rings. Ouch.
My son is 7. 7. My mother has seen him 3 times. 3 times. She has not sent anything for his birthday since he was 3 - and then she only sent him $3 (she thinks it's cute to send them $1 for each year and nothing else). She does not send him anything for Christmas. Not even a card. Nothing. She was not there for his baptism, his first birthday, first anything.
This is not new. She did not attend anything. No ball games. No school functions. No plays. She did not volunteer. She did not room mother. She did not chaperone. She simply did not come. I remember one birthday party and one other birthday where she wanted me to mow the grass and said to me, "What do you think this is, your birthday?"
I tried very hard for many years to please her. I took time off of work, paid for hotel rooms to go and help her only to arrive at her house and have her say to me, "I'm not doing this today. I don't feel like it." Did you see where I said "paid for hotel rooms"? I can't even stay with my mother when I go up home. My old bed is still upstairs. My old bed was 20 years old when I got it 20 years ago. I'm not sleeping in a 40+ year old bed! There is no way to shower there, she barely has running water to do dishes, let alone for a shower. She does not cook (her stove only has one working burner). We (and yes, we) have all tried to help her move, or fix or repair or what ever. And she's not broke - she can afford the comforts but, she just won't budge. We've hired people to mow her lawn, shovel her drive but, she runs them off. We've come there to do it for her, and she runs us off or insults/criticises our every move to the point where we just leave. Sadly, it's not worth the time, the effort, the pain or frustration. A relationship with her is not worth the price of the peace within my soul.
I found this online today - 30 Healing Affirmations for Daughters of Toxic Mothers. I have forgiven my mother. I honor my mother - by respecting myself. I didn't share this for you to feel badly for me. I don't want pity. I don't want judgment. I am at peace with my decision to leave her and as much as I do wish she had been different, it's the lessons I have learned through this that are more important to me than wishing for what could have been.
I understand if you have a relationship with your mom and the things I've spoken of couldn't be enough for you to walk away and not speak to her. Remember, I have only written what I am comfortable enough to make public. My mother is still living and I do have enough respect for her as a person to keep these other things to myself. Many of you are, and I hope you realize you are, very lucky to have great mothers that love and encourage, support and help you as much as they possibly can. Be thankful. Hug your great mom, or even hug your good mom and then hug her again for me because I am happy you have her, and I'm thankful to her for doing and being all those things that make her great!
The word toxicity or toxic has been stuck in my head for a few weeks. I'm going to talk about something that most of my good friends already know, something I don't often speak of directly. This is my story. I will not include my sisters or my brother or their stories - it's not about them. I will not mention them in this - they may agree or disagree and what they choose to share or don't is their business, nor will I discuss anything about my parents relationship. I will use the collective "we" as there are things "we" have done as a family or I know my siblings have tried as well. This is about me and one person in my life. My toxic mother.
I guess it's not really a secret, I have barely spoken to my mother in almost 2 years. I used to talk to her every day, at least twice a day. Every day, twice a day, I heard from my mother how terribly we treat her, how we never help her, we never give her anything, or do anything for her and in general how we are just rotten, rotten ungrateful people. Can you imagine what hearing this everyday, twice a day, does to your soul? October 5, 2011, I told her that I couldn't take this any more, that I am not a terrible person, and I do not deserve to be talked to like this and I hung up the phone.
Before you go all "She's your mother" on me, remember you don't know this woman. And those of you who have met this woman, you only know what she has chosen to show you. You don't know guilt. You don't know manipulation. You don't know how she keeps a running list of every single time she has helped me, every single thing she has given to me and every single dollar she has loaned to me. You don't know that any gift I have ever given to her was never enough, never good enough or expensive enough, resulting in a 3 day, pissed off, pouting rant about how she does so much for me and I never give her anything in return. I have gone as far as purchasing an exact thing she has asked for and she was still mad at me for a week because she had to tell my what to buy.
Have you ever been accused of theft? Has your own mother accused you? Let me see, I have "stolen" her clothing, her shoes (nevermind that she wears a size 8 to my size 10), socks, underwear, panty hose, towels, makeup, hair products, sheets, dishes, food, you name it, she's accused me of stealing it at least once. The latest, maybe the biggest insult of all - her wedding rings. Ouch.
My son is 7. 7. My mother has seen him 3 times. 3 times. She has not sent anything for his birthday since he was 3 - and then she only sent him $3 (she thinks it's cute to send them $1 for each year and nothing else). She does not send him anything for Christmas. Not even a card. Nothing. She was not there for his baptism, his first birthday, first anything.
This is not new. She did not attend anything. No ball games. No school functions. No plays. She did not volunteer. She did not room mother. She did not chaperone. She simply did not come. I remember one birthday party and one other birthday where she wanted me to mow the grass and said to me, "What do you think this is, your birthday?"
I tried very hard for many years to please her. I took time off of work, paid for hotel rooms to go and help her only to arrive at her house and have her say to me, "I'm not doing this today. I don't feel like it." Did you see where I said "paid for hotel rooms"? I can't even stay with my mother when I go up home. My old bed is still upstairs. My old bed was 20 years old when I got it 20 years ago. I'm not sleeping in a 40+ year old bed! There is no way to shower there, she barely has running water to do dishes, let alone for a shower. She does not cook (her stove only has one working burner). We (and yes, we) have all tried to help her move, or fix or repair or what ever. And she's not broke - she can afford the comforts but, she just won't budge. We've hired people to mow her lawn, shovel her drive but, she runs them off. We've come there to do it for her, and she runs us off or insults/criticises our every move to the point where we just leave. Sadly, it's not worth the time, the effort, the pain or frustration. A relationship with her is not worth the price of the peace within my soul.
I found this online today - 30 Healing Affirmations for Daughters of Toxic Mothers. I have forgiven my mother. I honor my mother - by respecting myself. I didn't share this for you to feel badly for me. I don't want pity. I don't want judgment. I am at peace with my decision to leave her and as much as I do wish she had been different, it's the lessons I have learned through this that are more important to me than wishing for what could have been.
I understand if you have a relationship with your mom and the things I've spoken of couldn't be enough for you to walk away and not speak to her. Remember, I have only written what I am comfortable enough to make public. My mother is still living and I do have enough respect for her as a person to keep these other things to myself. Many of you are, and I hope you realize you are, very lucky to have great mothers that love and encourage, support and help you as much as they possibly can. Be thankful. Hug your great mom, or even hug your good mom and then hug her again for me because I am happy you have her, and I'm thankful to her for doing and being all those things that make her great!
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
What Children Learn - or not
Children Learn What
They Live
By Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.
By Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.
If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.
Copyright © 1972 by Dorothy
Law Nolte
I'm always so reflective. Always looking back, how can I change this? How can I be better at that? I have so many fears that I'm not a good parent, I'm not a good partner, a good sister, a good daughter, a good wife, or a good friend.
I want to show people what they mean to me but, I'm so afraid. I want to give gifts but, in my world nothing was ever good enough which pushes me to over do it looking for the approval from the wrong person. I'm so afraid that it won't be enough and you'll be angry with me. She'll never approve and I'll never be right.
I think of this poem often. It reminds me of what I should be, what my job is as a parent, a partner, sister, daughter, wife and a good friend.
I'm not selfish. I'm not greedy. I didn't have someone to show me how to be a good person, to love and respect people openly and honestly, to give without looking back. I simply don't think that way - I wasn't taught to think that way. I wasn't taught to do kind things for others. I wasn't shown how to be a good person. I'm learning and I hope I'm showing my child better than I was shown.
Friday, July 12, 2013
Gotcha Day - 2013
We all have days in our lives that we cherish, that we'll remember forever. The day we met our spouse, the day we married, the birth of a child. Sad days too, the day a parent or sibling passed, the day we said goodbye to a beloved pet. But, we. We get an extra day. We get a GOTCHA DAY! And we celebrate it!
I remember walking to the mailbox the morning of July 15, finding the envelope from the courts. We didn't know it was coming and I was quite nervous as to what it was. I thought we were done for. I was afraid they would come take our baby away. I nervously opened the envelope, scanned the wording..."Jacob...adoption...final...legal parents...on this day....signed by Honorable.......July 12, 2006"
"JEREMY!"
He happened to be home that day the paper came. The day we found out our son was really ours. I'm not sure how many times we've read that paper.
We celebrate Gotcha Day as another birthday - it's almost his half birthday. In the past we've had a dinner, we've had a party at our house. This year, we'll celebrate with a lunch as a family and a bonfire with some good friends that we consider family. Jacob's birth family.
So many things have changed in these 6 years. So much growth, change, healing and I'm happy. I'm truly happy. I am truly blessed.
We brought Jacob into an amazing, ie. confusing, imperfect family but, it's our family.
Nobody gets everything in this life. You decide your priorities and you make your choices. I'd decided long ago that any cake I had would be eaten. ~Donald E. Westlake
And yes, there will be cake.
I remember walking to the mailbox the morning of July 15, finding the envelope from the courts. We didn't know it was coming and I was quite nervous as to what it was. I thought we were done for. I was afraid they would come take our baby away. I nervously opened the envelope, scanned the wording..."Jacob...adoption...final...legal parents...on this day....signed by Honorable.......July 12, 2006"
"JEREMY!"
He happened to be home that day the paper came. The day we found out our son was really ours. I'm not sure how many times we've read that paper.
We celebrate Gotcha Day as another birthday - it's almost his half birthday. In the past we've had a dinner, we've had a party at our house. This year, we'll celebrate with a lunch as a family and a bonfire with some good friends that we consider family. Jacob's birth family.
So many things have changed in these 6 years. So much growth, change, healing and I'm happy. I'm truly happy. I am truly blessed.
We brought Jacob into an amazing, ie. confusing, imperfect family but, it's our family.
Nobody gets everything in this life. You decide your priorities and you make your choices. I'd decided long ago that any cake I had would be eaten. ~Donald E. Westlake
And yes, there will be cake.
Monday, July 8, 2013
When I read...
I came across this quote a few days ago and I did share it elsewhere, it's been taunting me "blog-it, blog-it, blog-it" ever since.
When I was about eight, I decided that the most wonderful thing, next to a human being, was a book. ~Margaret Walker
It's true. When I was about 8, my father left home and never returned. It was then, I learned that books were truly the best of friends. I keep thinking about what happens when I read.
When I read...
I'm tranported to a different place, where families are together, parents don't fight, and children are happy.
When I read...
Moms bake cookies, love, cherish and protect their children.
When I read...
I find forgiveness, loyalty, and bonds that are always restored.
When I read...
Obstacles are overcome, fears disappear, relationships are mended.
When I read...
Everything once broken can forever be fixed.
When I read...
Friendships either last forever or come back together.
When I read...
I get lost in my imagination, in the story, in the characters and I create a little spot for myself, and just maybe I can live here and have these memories instead of my own.
When I read...
Someone kisses my skinned knees.
When I read...
I become someone's whole world.
When I read...
I forget where I came from.
When I read...
I remember my hometown.
When I read...
I remember why I left home.
When I read...
I understand what it feels to be left behind.
When I read...
I don't have to hide to be unseen.
When I read...
I'm reminded of everything I missed.
When I read...
I'm reminded of everything that I have.
When I read...
I wish my childhood had been different.
When I read...
I realize it could have been so much worse.
When I read...
I can't hear her screaming.
When I read...
I long for a mother.
When I read...
I miss my father.
When I read...
I understand why he left her.
When I read...
I wish he could have taken me with him.
When I read...
I understand.
When I read...
I can forget.
When I read...
It still hurts.
When I read...
It doesn't hurt as much.
When I read...
The wounds heal.
When I was about eight, I decided that the most wonderful thing, next to a human being, was a book. ~Margaret Walker
It's true. When I was about 8, my father left home and never returned. It was then, I learned that books were truly the best of friends. I keep thinking about what happens when I read.
When I read...
I'm tranported to a different place, where families are together, parents don't fight, and children are happy.
When I read...
Moms bake cookies, love, cherish and protect their children.
When I read...
I find forgiveness, loyalty, and bonds that are always restored.
When I read...
Obstacles are overcome, fears disappear, relationships are mended.
When I read...
Everything once broken can forever be fixed.
When I read...
Friendships either last forever or come back together.
When I read...
I get lost in my imagination, in the story, in the characters and I create a little spot for myself, and just maybe I can live here and have these memories instead of my own.
When I read...
Someone kisses my skinned knees.
When I read...
I become someone's whole world.
When I read...
I forget where I came from.
When I read...
I remember my hometown.
When I read...
I remember why I left home.
When I read...
I understand what it feels to be left behind.
When I read...
I don't have to hide to be unseen.
When I read...
I'm reminded of everything I missed.
When I read...
I'm reminded of everything that I have.
When I read...
I wish my childhood had been different.
When I read...
I realize it could have been so much worse.
When I read...
I can't hear her screaming.
When I read...
I long for a mother.
When I read...
I miss my father.
When I read...
I understand why he left her.
When I read...
I wish he could have taken me with him.
When I read...
I understand.
When I read...
I can forget.
When I read...
It still hurts.
When I read...
It doesn't hurt as much.
When I read...
The wounds heal.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
The Best Love I Have to Give
Family quarrels are bitter things. They don't go by any rules. They're not like aches or wounds; they're more like splits in the skin that won't heal because there's not enough material. ~F. Scott Fitzgerald
I love quotes. I love little sentences that make me think, that kick my mind into gear. My sweet Aunt June passed away yesterday and I'm sitting here thinking of her family. As any family, they had their share of problems, of trials, of faults but, at the end of the day, when their mother was called home, this family, my cousins pulled in together as...well, as a family.
At the end of the day, a loving family should find everything forgivable. ~Mark V. Olsen and Will Sheffer
I'm thinking of my family and what it was like when my father died. We didn't pull together, not really. We pulled apart. It seems there is always a side to be taken, someone always has to choose where they stand or who they want to be with. Someone always gets angry because one person had more information or had it before another. Someone always thinks someone else got more than they did. Where does this come from? Why can't we forget all this counting and just be a family? Why can't we focus on our strengths as people, as siblings in the same miserableness rather than pick each others bones like old crows? Why can't we just love each other?
The hardest-learned lesson: that people have only their kind of love to give, not our kind. ~Mignon McLaughlin
It seems we were taught to love with strings. To love each other simply was not enough. As children, our gifts were never appreciated, and certainly not cherished. Love WAS conditional. Some have overcome this, some have hardened to it, and maybe we all still succumb to it every now and again. I have found that the best we can do is to love the way we want to be loved, the best we can and to know that the love we get in return is the best love someone else can give back to us. It's the most, best love we are capable of. I'm sad we carried all of these love conditions into being grown ups. I don't like it and I don't want to do it any more.
Family is just accident.... They don't mean to get on your nerves. They don't even mean to be your family, they just are. ~Marsha Norman
I love my family. I love my sisters more than they will ever know. One goal of my life is to love my sisters better, to get closer to them and for all of us to know that we all love each other even though we may have different and closer/distant relationships with another but, we still love the others just as much. I love the fun I have with A sister but, I also love talking books with B sister or crafting with C sister. I don't love any one of them less than another we just have different common ground. We may not always play well together but, they're my sisters. Though we all came from the same parents, we can't all be the same person.
Our siblings. They resemble us just enough to make all their differences confusing, and no matter what we choose to make of this, we are cast in relation to them our whole lives long. ~Susan Scarf Merrell
I look at my cousins, their closeness, the time they spend together as sisters and I want that! I want my sisters to laugh with, to appreciate, to be a part of - ALL the time! Not just sometimes. I have 3 AMAZING sisters and I want to step off in a new direction, laughing and in love with them - ALL of them. And they with me. My sisters, are AMAZING! And I choose to see them as AMAZING (we all have our not so amazing moments and I love those too but, my point here is NOT to focus on those). I'm not looking at their faults, I'm looking at their talents, at their hearts. I am choosing to make myself better, to be more, to be engaged, to be open, to be closer. I choose to love my sisters with the best love I have to give.
If you don't understand how a woman could both love her sister dearly and want to wring her neck at the same time, then you were probably an only child. ~Linda Sunshine
I love quotes. I love little sentences that make me think, that kick my mind into gear. My sweet Aunt June passed away yesterday and I'm sitting here thinking of her family. As any family, they had their share of problems, of trials, of faults but, at the end of the day, when their mother was called home, this family, my cousins pulled in together as...well, as a family.
At the end of the day, a loving family should find everything forgivable. ~Mark V. Olsen and Will Sheffer
I'm thinking of my family and what it was like when my father died. We didn't pull together, not really. We pulled apart. It seems there is always a side to be taken, someone always has to choose where they stand or who they want to be with. Someone always gets angry because one person had more information or had it before another. Someone always thinks someone else got more than they did. Where does this come from? Why can't we forget all this counting and just be a family? Why can't we focus on our strengths as people, as siblings in the same miserableness rather than pick each others bones like old crows? Why can't we just love each other?
The hardest-learned lesson: that people have only their kind of love to give, not our kind. ~Mignon McLaughlin
It seems we were taught to love with strings. To love each other simply was not enough. As children, our gifts were never appreciated, and certainly not cherished. Love WAS conditional. Some have overcome this, some have hardened to it, and maybe we all still succumb to it every now and again. I have found that the best we can do is to love the way we want to be loved, the best we can and to know that the love we get in return is the best love someone else can give back to us. It's the most, best love we are capable of. I'm sad we carried all of these love conditions into being grown ups. I don't like it and I don't want to do it any more.
Family is just accident.... They don't mean to get on your nerves. They don't even mean to be your family, they just are. ~Marsha Norman
I love my family. I love my sisters more than they will ever know. One goal of my life is to love my sisters better, to get closer to them and for all of us to know that we all love each other even though we may have different and closer/distant relationships with another but, we still love the others just as much. I love the fun I have with A sister but, I also love talking books with B sister or crafting with C sister. I don't love any one of them less than another we just have different common ground. We may not always play well together but, they're my sisters. Though we all came from the same parents, we can't all be the same person.
Our siblings. They resemble us just enough to make all their differences confusing, and no matter what we choose to make of this, we are cast in relation to them our whole lives long. ~Susan Scarf Merrell
I look at my cousins, their closeness, the time they spend together as sisters and I want that! I want my sisters to laugh with, to appreciate, to be a part of - ALL the time! Not just sometimes. I have 3 AMAZING sisters and I want to step off in a new direction, laughing and in love with them - ALL of them. And they with me. My sisters, are AMAZING! And I choose to see them as AMAZING (we all have our not so amazing moments and I love those too but, my point here is NOT to focus on those). I'm not looking at their faults, I'm looking at their talents, at their hearts. I am choosing to make myself better, to be more, to be engaged, to be open, to be closer. I choose to love my sisters with the best love I have to give.
If you don't understand how a woman could both love her sister dearly and want to wring her neck at the same time, then you were probably an only child. ~Linda Sunshine
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