Someone? One? Sadly there are many.
When I left my little hometown, I, without knowing it would happen like this, without knowing I'd lose friends because of it, grew up, changed, moved on, revamped, almost every part of my life. Slowly, ever so slowly, the things I once saw as fun - drinking, smoking, staying out late - all transitioned into things I didn't really want to do anymore. The people that I hung around with wanted to keep going in this life but, it just wasn't the road I wanted. Maybe it wasn't the road they wanted either but, I had the opportunity to move on, to improve, to make better choices and I took it.
When I started working down here, I knew I had a chance to reinvent myself. No one knew me. No one knew my family. No one knew I'd been fired from my last job. No one knew ANYTHING other than what I wanted to tell them. I took that totally to heart. Maybe to the extreme. I didn't tell much about my life back home. I worked hard, worked all I could, made new friends and a new name for myself. All by myself.
I got really tired of always being the one to do. I was always the one to do the traveling, to go back home. No one wanted to make the drive (effort) to come see me. I could make the drive every weekend for every little thing every one wanted me to attend but, no one ever wanted to make that effort for me. I began to question, what TRUE friends had I made?
I think it was my brother who said, you'll begin to notice every time you come home you'll see the same people doing the same thing they were doing when you left. They'll cut you down every chance they get but, just watch, they'll still be there. I began to think of the guys I hung out with in the bar - I'd been gone from home for about 7 years and this one guy who was sitting in the bar the day I left home was still sitting there every time I came back through town. Same guy, miserable in the same job, with the same money problems, sitting on the same stool, drinking the same beer, bitching the same speech! I knew then, I was the change. I had the opportunity to do, to be, to change. And I did!
As my job changed, I began to see people differently, and I'm sure to some I became snobby or stuck up. I guess in a way, maybe I am. I've learned that I can, as I call it, let my inner hillbilly run wild and free or...not. I've learned that I choose.
As I changed, my tolerance for drama queens and bullshitters is not what it once was. I don't tolerate either of them very well. As I get older, it's more and more difficult to hide my intolerance.
As my thoughts changed, it was less about me. It's not about my needs or my wants. It's about my child, my husband, my family - it's about what they need. About what they want. Everything I do reflects on them. I am responsible to be my best. They deserve that.
I look at myself and this person I have become. I'm still just as fun, I'm still just as mouthy, as 'speak my mind' as I've always been. My morals, my values, my principles remain the same as they always have. I've just grown up and it's important to me to live them.
I have lost some good friends through all of this. I'll always be sorry/sad for that. I wholeheartedly believe that there are no coincidences in life. God brings us the people we need when we need them. At every moment in my life, God brought me the right people. I hope he gave me to someone at a moment when they needed me. I hope they are sorry/sad and miss me too.
No comments:
Post a Comment