30 Truths - Day 6 - Something you hope you never have to do.

There is one thing, I hope and I pray I never, ever, never, ever have to do.

Bury my child.

Most of you know I lost my sister when I was 10 years old but, my mom and my dad, they both lost their child, their daughter.  I grew up in the shadow of their loss.  I was always watched in fear of losing me too.  Life changed after she was gone.  I always called when I was going to be late.  Never left the house with out a hug and always, always, always told my mom that I loved her.  I knew what it was to have someone you love leave home and never ever come back.

My dad wasn't home with us at the time so I don't remember any of his actions or reactions.  I remember my mom in those days. Her actions, her behaviors are not for me to condemn or to praise. I was only 10 at the time and my understanding is the understanding of a 10 year old.  Not a 40 year old, and not from the perspective of a mother. Simply said, my mother was a wreck.  She was totally irrational, off the deep end, out in left field.  What else could she be? She was a woman who had to bury her child.  No parent should ever have to bury their child.

I look back at my mom, and well, my mother is a story all in its own but, looking back now, I can see the things that never came back to her after my sister died.  My mom was never the same person.  She was changed, forever scarred.  Though all of us miss Valerie, I can see the portion cut from my mom where Val is missing.

Death is so strange and I say this as someone who speaks to the dead and I have spoken with both my sister and my dad.  My dad is free, free of his disease, free of his burdens.  I now understand why he was sent here, what his purpose was and he is with my sister.  My sister, she walks with me all of the time - with all of us.  I do know why she was put with us and why she was taken back to her heavenly home. I know what death is. Yet knowing this, and doing what I do, to lose my precious (precocious) Jacob, I would be ruined.  I don't know that I could come back.  That I wouldn't be forever scarred.

He used to often ask me if this one, or that one, the police, his firefighter friends, etc. would be sad when he died.  That sadness is immeasurable and many times I had to choke back my tears because I do know how sad all of these people my son has touched would truly be and it breaks my heart how many lives this kid has touched.

Most of all, mine.