Toxicity

Toxicity is the degree to which a substance can damage an organism. Toxicity can refer to the effect on a whole organism, such as an animal, bacterium, or plant, as well as the effect on a substructure of the organism, such as a cell (cytotoxicity) or an organ such as the liver (hepatotoxicity). By extension, the word may be metaphorically used to describe toxic effects on larger and more complex groups, such as the family unit or society at large.

The word toxicity or toxic has been stuck in my head for a few weeks.  I'm going to talk about something that most of my good friends already know, something I don't often speak of directly.  This is my story.  I will not include my sisters or my brother or their stories - it's not about them.  I will not mention them in this - they may agree or disagree and what they choose to share or don't is their business, nor will I discuss anything about my parents relationship.  I will use the collective "we" as there are things "we" have done as a family or I know my siblings have tried as well.  This is about me and one person in my life.  My toxic mother.

I guess it's not really a secret, I have barely spoken to my mother in almost 2 years.  I used to talk to her every day, at least twice a day.  Every day, twice a day, I heard from my mother how terribly we treat her, how we never help her, we never give her anything, or do anything for her and in general how we are just rotten, rotten ungrateful people.  Can you imagine what hearing this everyday, twice a day, does to your soul?  October 5, 2011, I told her that I couldn't take this any more, that I am not a terrible person, and I do not deserve to be talked to like this and I hung up the phone.

Before you go all "She's your mother" on me, remember you don't know this woman.  And those of you who have met this woman, you only know what she has chosen to show you.  You don't know guilt.  You don't know manipulation.  You don't know how she keeps a running list of every single time she has helped me,  every single thing she has given to me and every single dollar she has loaned to me.  You don't know that any gift I have ever given to her was never enough, never good enough or expensive enough, resulting in a 3 day, pissed off, pouting rant about how she does so much for me and I never give her anything in return.  I have gone as far as purchasing an exact thing she has asked for and she was still mad at me for a week because she had to tell my what to buy.

Have you ever been accused of theft?  Has your own mother accused you?  Let me see, I have "stolen" her clothing, her shoes (nevermind that she wears a size 8 to my size 10), socks, underwear, panty hose, towels, makeup, hair products, sheets, dishes, food, you name it, she's accused me of stealing it at least once.  The latest, maybe the biggest insult of all - her wedding rings.  Ouch.

My son is 7.  7.  My mother has seen him 3 times.  3 times.  She has not sent anything for his birthday since he was 3 - and then she only sent him $3 (she thinks it's cute to send them $1 for each year and nothing else).  She does not send him anything for Christmas.  Not even a card.  Nothing.  She was not there for his baptism, his first birthday, first anything. 

This is not new.  She did not attend anything.  No ball games.  No school functions. No plays.  She did not volunteer.  She did not room mother.  She did not chaperone.  She simply did not come.  I remember one birthday party and one other birthday where she wanted me to mow the grass and said to me, "What do you think this is, your birthday?"

I tried very hard for many years to please her.  I took time off of work, paid for hotel rooms to go and help her only to arrive at her house and have her say to me, "I'm not doing this today.  I don't feel like it."  Did you see where I said "paid for hotel rooms"? I can't even stay with my mother when I go up home.  My old bed is still upstairs.  My old bed was 20 years old when I got it 20 years ago.  I'm not sleeping in a 40+ year old bed!  There is no way to shower there, she barely has running water to do dishes, let alone for a shower.  She does not cook (her stove only has one working burner).  We (and yes, we) have all tried to help her move, or fix or repair or what ever.  And she's not broke - she can afford the comforts but, she just won't budge.  We've hired people to mow her lawn, shovel her drive but, she runs them off.  We've come there to do it for her, and she runs us off or insults/criticises our every move to the point where we just leave.   Sadly, it's not worth the time, the effort, the pain or frustration.  A relationship with her is not worth the price of the peace within my soul.

I found this online today - 30 Healing Affirmations for Daughters of Toxic Mothers.  I have forgiven my mother.  I honor my mother - by respecting myself.  I didn't share this for you to feel badly for me.  I don't want pity.  I don't want judgment.  I am at peace with my decision to leave her and as much as I do wish she had been different, it's the lessons I have learned through this that are more important to me than wishing for what could have been.

I understand if you have a relationship with your mom and the things I've spoken of couldn't be enough for you to walk away and not speak to her.  Remember, I have only written what I am comfortable enough to make public.  My mother is still living and I do have enough respect for her as a person to keep these other things to myself.  Many of you are, and I hope you realize you are,  very lucky to have great mothers that love and encourage, support and help you as much as they possibly can.  Be thankful.  Hug your great mom, or even hug your good mom and then hug her again for me because I am happy you have her, and I'm thankful to her for doing and being all those things that make her great!