Not being good enough.
Am I a good wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend, daughter-in-law?
Most times, I feel like a failure in all of these categories. Some times I feel I'm hit or miss.
I often think back to my teacher and I think of how she failed me. Things she should have shown me but, didn't. Things she was that I should have never seen. Things she did in front me that I never should have seen. Should I have known better, earlier to have been able to make myself better? How could I be better if my teacher didn't show me? If she didn't lead by example?
You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better. ~ Anne Lamott
I'm always striving - and you've heard this hundreds of times - to be better. To be better than I was taught or shown, to be better than the example set before me. To do the right thing. To be kind.
I love my child and I want to be a better example for him. I don't ever want him to hear (and not that I would say this) me say he's selfish, or spoiled, or manipulative, or conniving. I am not any of those things but, all of my life I have been told that I am. There are times when he does jerky things or he's mean to me or someone else and I'm working very hard to talk with him and explain myself as opposed to call him names.
I love my sisters and I wish we would have been taught to embrace each other. I wish just once, she would have said "That is your sister. One day I will be gone and she will be all you have. Be kind to her." Instead I feel as if we were taught to go against each other, to hurt each other. Like there was a reward in being mean. Maybe even to stab each other in the back. Almost as if that was encouraged. As if by her tearing us down, we couldn't unite against her.
Every person we meet crosses our paths for a reason. To teach us or for us to teach. It's not up to us to look down our noses at them for having less money, or less "class", education, fat, thin, black, white, more or less. What is that Jesus says?
33But Peter said to Him, "Even though all may fall away because of You, I will never fall away."34Jesus said to him, "Truly I say to you that this very night, before a rooster crows, you will deny Me three times." 35Peter said to Him, "Even if I have to die with You, I will not deny You." All the disciples said the same thing too.
I don't know what your faith is or if you know this story but, Jesus came to the door 3 times, looking for food, looking for water, looking for shelter and 3 times he was denied.
How would I know if someone without education is my test? How would I know if a "black" man was my test? It's not my job to cast judgement on either of them. It's my job to do what is right. Do "fat" people deserve to not have friends? Do "dirty" people not deserve a meal? Do "poor" deserve to not have a drink? Did her children not deserve kindness? Did the people she was "friends" with deserve to have their secrets shared? I thought all of this was ok. I was taught to be like that!
I won't deny it again. (Sadly we're in a day and age when it people cannot be trusted so I always go with my gut. When my gut tells me to do, I do.)
I need to forgive myself for not knowing any better, for not being shown any better and to simply do the best I can moving forward.
I'm working on it. I'm learning. I'm letting go. And I'm doing it.
“Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it." ~ Ann Landers
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