Aw, Kate's a mom!

My blog friend, Kate had her baby boy yesterday. A little bit early but, for as little details as I have, it sounds as if all is well. Keaton Bruske Kono, is his name. I can't wait to see pictures of him and his proud new parents!

I'm so happy for you Kate. I know you'll be a wonderful mom!

**For you baby lovers, Kate posted pictures last night! Follow the link on her name above and meet Keaton.

I did get an email from Kate yesterday. They're doing well, keeping an extra eye on the baby as he was early but, he is doing really good.

It's a slow day...

The Christmas tree is down and ready to be put back in the attic. Almost all of the evidence has been removed - except for the vast amount of new toys scattered everywhere!

Today, I'm working on reclaiming my home. Reorganizing my decorations, wrappings, boxes, etc. We've been sorting toys and building our yard sale pile in the basement (which flooded again from them huge melt and the rain).

We had a very good Christmas. Christmas Eve, Jeremy, Jacob, and I opened our gifts to each other and played with toys. Santa came and left a huge train table. We spent Christmas Day with Brammie and Bampa, Jeremy's sisters and their families. We did have a great time! It was good to have everyone together.

Friday afternoon, Jeremy, Jacob and I went down to Bronson for Larry's visitation. It was good to see Larry's family, my sister and her kids too. Jacob blew kisses to "Bampa Larry" and told him goodbye. I cried. Jacob was aiming for old lady ankles with his trucks and hitting his targets. Thankfully, he's cute and they got a kick out of him while we made him apologize. Jacob saw an Amish buggy with a horse in the parking lot and after staring like completely rude asses (and I know better than that too!), we shopped our way home.

Saturday morning, Jeremy and I set off in the pea soup thick fog, for the teeny-tiny town of Burr Oak to go to Larry's funeral. I did okay at keeping myself together. I had a few moments. I had only brought an handkerchief with me and my nose was full from crying and I didn't want to blow my nose in the hanky. Of course, that brought me to more tears. My big brother saved the day! After the dinner, I talked to Larry's daughter, Corinne, and she said to me, "It was good to look back behind me and see so many Elenbaases here." You don't get all of us together very often, and even to have 4 out of the 5 is really good. Again, we shopped our way home. And, I do have to say - A peppermint twist mocha, from Starbucks, is divine after a long day, and only church lady coffee!

We're all pretty sure that Larry and my dad have spent some time catching up and have been playing cards since joining each other again. I like to think that's true. I like to think they've found my sister too. There will always be a very special place in my heart for Larry. To say he was a wonderful man, does not say enough. I can never explain in words what Larry meant to my family (Edna excluded). My only hope, is to grow up one day, to be as good of a friend, as Larry was to my father.

Remembering Larry

Larry and Jacob. This is how I chose to remember him.

Larry lost (or maybe he won) his battle with Leukemia around 11:00 this morning.

Freedom for Christmas

Christmas.

I love Christmas. I love picking presents for Jacob, for Jeremy and most of the people on my list. I love church on Christmas Eve -especially in my old church at home. I love Christmas dinner. I love the happy faces when you give a gift that's just perfect. I love wrapping presents. I love the good memories I do have. Decorating the house with my sisters and brother, a real Christmas tree and the ornaments we had as kids, baking cookies with my sisters. I miss Christmas dinner at Karen's with Grandma Dor. I miss my dad. I miss listening to the old Time Life 8-tracks he had and he'd sing those carols to me like he was still in the church choir. I miss my dad sitting quietly in his chair just watching with his smile, beaming with pride. I really miss my dad! I love the new memories Jeremy and I make with Jacob. I love all the squeals of delight from the little kids - past and present. I love leaving cookies and cocoa for Santa and reading the Night before Christmas. It's not about perfection, it's completely from my heart.

Christmas.

I hate Christmas. I hate the greedy, it's never enough, whining rants from Edna. I hate the memories of Christmas with her crying because we didn't get her the gifts she thought we should. I hate that she calls to bitch about every. Single. Gift. She gets. I hate when she tells me about all of the wonderful things she did for us for Christmas and how ungrateful her children are. I hate the memories of wrapping my own Christmas gifts from her. I hate her lectures about being a Christian and what Christmas is about. I hate hard, cut-out cookies with sugar icing that she made us bake. I hate that after Valerie was killed, she never wanted another Christmas tree (either I fought for it or I bought it). I hated that I had to spend Christmas Eve or morning at the neighbor's house watching them open their gifts, intruding on their family time - while Edna worked. Worse - the Christmas that she got in a huge fight with my dad, and the police came and took me away. I remember opening a stocking at the house where I stayed, and being told the one I had opened, wasn't for me.

I told my mother that Jacob and I were coming up home on the 26th & 27th. She said to me, "I hope you don't stay long, I have laundry to do, I have to take my car in, I have to go the Doctor, etc." Wow, Mom! It'll be great to see you too! Merry Christmas!

I've been telling myself that I need to keep in touch with her. For myself. For my own guilt. I'm not sure what's worse - my guilt or her. I'm the mushy one. I'm the sentimental one. I'm the one who always feels bad in the end for walking away from her. I'm the one who keeps coming back trying to make some type of relationship with her. I'm always the one who's hurt. So, my Christmas gift to myself this year is Freedom.

Freedom from guilt. Freedom from the meanness. Freedom from the pity. Freedom from her broken promises. Freedom from the hold she seems to think her money has. Freedom from the effort and freedom from the responsibility. Freedom from hurt. Freedom from ghosts. Freedom from the shitty memories Edna created. Freedom from my mother.

It's been a difficult year for all of us on some level. I'd like to say that next year will be better. My friends have lost people who are special to them this year, others are waiting to for someone special to give up their fight. Some of us have lost children and barely knew we were pregnant, and some are eagerly awaiting the birth of their first child in just a few short weeks (and so am I). Some have lost jobs, some are looking for new ones, and some are holding like hell to the ones we have. I wish all of you a little chunk of Freedom for Christmas. Freedom to laugh until you cry. Freedom to cry yourself to sleep. Freedom to feel the way you need to feel to get through what you need to get through. Mostly, I hope through it all, you can have a Merry Christmas with your families and enjoy what you do have right there in front of you.

Merry Christmas!

Going for their Masters

Tomorrow is my nephew Matt's last day at his job as a Mechanical Engineer. He's decided to move to Houghton to go back to Michigan Tech for his Master's degree. Go Matt!

My niece Jill, just graduated from Michigan State with a degree in Psychology. She has decided to continue on at Michigan State for her Master's degree. Go Jill!

My niece, Liz is still plugging away at Western for her degree in child development. Go Liz!

Officer Chris has the option though his department to further his education in law enforcement and has expressed interest in doing so. He's working full time and wading through the challenges of being a police officer. He says Jacob needs to forget about the woo-woo's and be a pharmacist.

You know, I'm not sure what Fi and Jaz are up to...

And Brooke - almost 13 already! She's bringing home fantastic grades, playing piano, playing basketball. What a busy girl!?!

I can't even begin to tell you how proud I am of these kids! Jill, she works at school, she's worked the summers, even two jobs one summer - and she was pooped! Liz is working her way through as well and maintaining a long distance relationship with Dustin (who is working in Boston, MA). Both of the older girls are managing rent in off-campus apartments, cars, and room-mates - with some help from their parents too. They're all making excellent grades, working internships, and they're working so hard! There's a whole lot to be proud of!

I just wanted them to know that I am!

They're giving him a week.

Larry's son called us last night. Larry is on a ventilator now. He's basically sleeping all the time (I hesitate to say coma as I'm not sure). The Doctors are keeping him comfortable. He doesn't know he has visitors or anything that is going on. Larry had requested not to be put on life support and no extraordinary means taken. His funeral arrangements have been made. The pall bearers have been confirmed. It's only a matter of time.

Sadly, all anyone can do now is wait for the Lord to place his call.

I'm doing okay...if I don't think about it.

Therapy Solution

We met with Jacob's new and old therapists last week to determine how to proceed with his speech and occupational therapy now that he's 3.

During this meeting, the Early On therapists, Miss Carrie (Special Ed Teacher) and Alex (Speech Therapist) presented their reports on Jacob's progress to the new therapists, Cindi H. and Michelle H. (may be referred to as the Mrs. H's). They presented their reports to Jeremy and I as to how they are going to proceed from this point.

In the reports we found that Jacob is essentially functioning at an 18-19 month old level rather than a 36 month level. Though socially, he is acting at approximately 38 months. They attributed this delay to the submucous cleft palate and the resulting fluid in his ears. The fluid in the ears caused issues with Jay's equilibrium throwing him off balance. Jacob didn't learn all of the things he should have learned prior to having the tubes put into his ears both in development and in speech. Once he did get his tubes, he had to re-learn what he already did know plus go forward to learn new things. My best example is when Jacob started to walk. He could do short spurts by himself but anytime he walked a distance he would hang on to one finger. He did this for about 6 months. He didn't walk by himself until he was 16 almost 17 months. According to the therapists, Jacob wasn't ever certain of his balance and he needed to hold onto something to keep balanced. Now that I look back, this explains why he wasn't a climber, or the typical dare devil. He was unsure of himself and his balance.

Cindi and Michelle seemed to have a very clear understanding of Jacob and his circumstances with the submucous cleft and they explained it to Jeremy and I quite well. They both explained to us their development plans for Jacob and how they are going to strive for those goals.

Jacob will start his new therapy sessions on January 5. He will spend 30 minutes with Cindi, the Speech Therapist, at one school, then he and Daddy will go the another school and spend 30 minutes with Michelle, the Occupational Therapist. We will also have homework. Some exercises to work on with Jacob in between visits.

Miss Carrie and Alex told the Mrs. H's how much they have enjoyed working with Jacob, and that he is one of the cases they will never forget as he truly is a sweet boy. Miss Carrie said Jacob is one of the kids who grabs your heart and she hopes the new therapists find that too! Aw!

I walked away from this meeting feeling so much hope, so much optimism for Jacob's development. I felt like we had finally found 2 more people who really cared about this kid and what happens to him. I knew this was the right place for him and these were the right women to help us. I didn't feel sad for my boy or like a failure as his mom.

Our road with Jacob and his speech/development is going to be very, very long. Our goal, or my goal, at this point, is to have him attend regular classes with only periodic visits to the therapists. I do have time on my side - Jacob is a December baby so he won't start kindergarten until just before he turns 6. Don't get me wrong...it's not a status thing, it's not a perfection thing, if Jacob does have to start school in special education full time, then he does. This is a goal I would like to achieve. If we don't reach it, we'll make a new goal - I just love my kid, I want him to find his place where he fits. Don't we all?

Mommy's New Glasses

I had mentioned in a previous post that I had new glasses and I hadn't posted any pictures.

They look much better on him - even if he's modeling them upside down!

Injustice

My blog friend Aubrey, posted this the other day and it's been haunting me ever since. I read it after she first put it up. It struck a a huge note with me. I shared in a piece of the injustice Aubrey talks about and my heart goes out to our friend who is making her way through a miscarriage. I had a good friend lose his job last week - after his wife lost hers this fall, and they have a little boy about to turn 1. My nephew lost his job too, just a few days ago. I left Aubrey's site without comment. I went back several times to read her words again and again. I wanted to comment but, I had a hard time finding the right thing to say.

Injustice - to use Aubrey's description. All this sickness, the economy, it's the only word that fits. It's not right. It's not fair. It's just not nice. All of these things happening for so many people I know. It's becoming increasingly difficult to enjoy the coming holiday.

I have to tell you, I've been holding onto more injustice in my own heart. Waiting and praying for good news to come to a very special friend of my father, of our family. I knew he was sick. We found out last week. The diagnosis came yesterday and I just couldn't share it with the happiness of Jacob's birthday post.

My father was in the Army and in basic training he met a fellow Michigander that happened to be a Lutheran just like him. They went to Korea together. Larry was my dad's best friend, the best man in my parents wedding. Larry hunted with my dad - and later he took my brother when MS claimed the use of my father's legs. Larry and his wife, Doris, were my sister Valerie's Godparents. Larry and Doris attended every family function with us until Doris passed away - then he still came by himself. They came for baptisms, track meets, graduations, weddings, and sadly, the funerals of both their Goddaughter and his best friend. Larry stood in for each one of us kids when my dad's health held him back. He even sat with my sister Cindy in the hospital waiting room for a few surgeries. The kids all know him as Grandpa Larry. We have been so blessed to have him fill my dad's shoes - as a dad and as a Grandpa. He's never turned us down when we needed him. He just proudly filled the slot. I can't tell you how special he is to our family and how grateful we are to him.

Larry was admitted to the VA hospital in Ann Arbor last week. His daughter and son are sending updates as they come. Larry has been diagnosed with acute myleoid leukemia. I've done my reading. For an 81 year old man, the prognosis doesn't look promising. Though he's been in good health, this cancer is particularly unfriendly. The prognosis even with the chemo is that remission can only be obtained on the average of 6 months, and chemo the second time is usually futile. He's also having severe headaches for which the Doctors cannot find a cause. He is having a surgical procedure done to see if the leukemia is in the brain and then if they find it they inject with chemo immediately while they are in there.

The hardest part was telling Jeremy about Larry's diagnosis. Repeating the news made it all too real.

I last saw Larry at Jacob's first birthday party and Jeremy asked me if I wanted to go see him again now. I don't. I want to remember Larry sitting in my living room, bouncing the youngest grandson of his best friend - the grandson my dad will never meet - on his knee and just beaming with pride. Thankfully, I do have photographic proof of that moment! I want to remember Larry telling me how proud my dad would be of Jacob, and me. I want to remember Larry telling me how much Jacob looks like my dad, that his adoption was meant to be. I want to keep that picture of Larry in my heart. I want to keep that healthy, happy, proud Larry, who once bounced Jacob's mommy on his knee...and Cindy, and Karen, and Gloria, and Valerie, and David...

The woo-woo party

It wasn't much of a party folks, the guest of honor was 'fick'. He came down with a croupy cough the night before and kept me up most of the night too.

The woo-woo cake. Notice the little white marks on the bottom right corner of the cake. I had to run to the basement for a light bulb, when I came up, Jacob met me at the top of the stairs with green all over him and said "Mmmm. Cake. Nummy-nummy my mouf!" He'd moved the fireman around and ate some icing while I was gone.


All he ate, all day, was this cake (on a woo-woo plate).


And he shared it with his 'Big Da'.

New crayons.

And a new bike with birthday/Christmas monies from Great-Grandpa & Great-Grandma H.

We did have good food, great cake, a lot of fun, and a lot of laughs. Another year down - they go so fast! :(

Another Grandma

This post is going to be different than what I may have told you in conversation - it's had a little more time to sink in, and I'm making more sense of it and what she actually said.

Saturday afternoon, Jeremy was getting ready for work, Jacob was napping, and I was getting food together for his birthday party (I'll post about that after I have the pictures uploaded) when my phone rang. The caller ID read "Gordon S* XXX-XXX-XXXX". I thought it was probably a wrong number and just answered.

"Hello? Gail?"

"Yes?"

"Hi. I'm Jacob's bio... adop... grandma... Nancy S*"

"Oh, You're Rob's Mom!'

"Yes, I'm Rob's mom. I've had your phone number for a long time, and I've been wanting to call you but I was afraid. I was afraid you wouldn't talk to me. I didn't know what you'd do."

I talked to her for about an hour. She would like to meet her grandson.

I'm not sure when she found out about Jacob's existence but I do know how. Rob brought pictures of Jacob home to her and she thought they were of Nicholas (Jacob's older full brother), and said, Oh, you had pictures done of Nick, Rob told her no, that's Jacob. Amber gave him up for adoption. My Lord! As a mother, as a Grandmother, could you imagine!?!

We exchanged so much information. She is raising Nicholas. Rob doesn't see him often. It was absolutely wonderful to compare notes with the mom who is raising an identical older version of my Jacob. We talked about what I knew coming into the adoption versus what she was told after the fact. We talked about Rob as a person, as a child and I now have a little window as to what makes my Jacob tick! She told me that Rob had speech issues as a child - which explains why Jacob says some of his words the way he does.

She said I seemed to be a nice person and a good mom. She said she can't wait to meet Jacob and I.

Anyway, the past two Christmases she's sent gifts for Jacob. And, I've wanted an address for them to at least send a 'thank-you' but, Amber wouldn't budge. I knew Rob's mom had to be looking for us and I knew it was only a matter of time before she found us.

Rob's parents and Nick are moving this week. They're moving about 20 minutes away from us. I am going to meet her. I am going to take Jacob to meet her.

I know you're sitting there thinking WTF!?! Maybe you're thinking - man, how many of these people is she going to let into Jacob's life?

Jacob's adoption didn't come with instructions. I wasn't handed an answer book to tell me what to do when a Grandma comes knocking on your door wanting to see her grand baby. I read once that a child should NEVER remember the day they were told they were adopted. I'm trying to make the S* family as much of a part of Jacob's life as I can. I don't want him to feel they abandoned him, or wonder where they were all of his life, or if they loved him. I don't want him to search for those answers. I want him to know! I want him to know that his first mommy couldn't care for him. I want him to know that all of his 'Bammies' love him very much. I want him to know that we love him very much and we would never keep him from his biological family. I want him to know that we encouraged relationships with them.

The most difficult part of making these decisions is Jacob's siblings. Being the youngest of six myself, and even with the age differences, I couldn't imagine knowing my brother and my sisters existed but not knowing where they were or if they knew about me. I hope I'm doing it right.

How cute is this!?!

I was looking on-line for fire truck/police car T-shirts for Jacob this morning and I found this. Isn't that too cute!?! It's coming to our house.

A month or so ago, Jacob and I went to our local Sheriff Department to look at all the police cars. Jacob asked me if he could give the woo-woo a hug. As he was hugging the Sheriff car, he exclaimed "freeek" which is squeeze. A deputy came out to move the cars and Jacob was so excited to see him but, that deputy just ignored him. Another deputy was out front in his uniform talking on a cell phone and poor Jacob tried so hard to get his attention and again he was ignored. I was very disappointed. I honestly thought of calling the Sheriff himself to complain.

About a week ago, on our nightly tour of the police stations in the "cit-tee", we were behind our city police station looking at the cars and I noticed an officer sitting in his car with the engine running. I hopped out, he rolled down his window and asked if he could help me. Sure! "I have a little boy who is OBSESSED with police cars, could you help me out a minute?" He got out of his car and talked to Jacob while I was getting him out of his car seat. He showed Jacob all of the lights and sirens, the computer and all the stuff in his car. He told Jacob how he had to always wear his seat belt and be safe so he could come back to visit again. He told me he's shown a lot of kids around the car and the station and he has NEVER seen one as excited as Jacob! I wish I would have gotten the officer's name! I'd like to call the city and compliment him!

We're planning a visit next fall down to the Detroit area for the open house at my nephew's police department. Can you imagine? All the woo-woo's and Jacob with his own personal tour guide! Aunt Karen - we can't miss this one! Jacob even has a shirt for the occasion!

My Thanksgiving

On Saturday, we were coming home from visiting Jacob's birth parents, and from the backseat I hear,

"I...wuv...you. I...wuv...you. I...wuv...you"

We've been working on getting Jacob to say that by himself for quite some time. I never thought that when he did finally say it, I'd cry like a big dumb girl. I did!

Being the parent of an adopted child is THE toughest challenge God has given to me. I love Jacob more than I ever thought my heart was capable of loving and his adoption or the possible effects of his adoption terrify me more and more as he grows each year. I live in fear of the words "You're not my REAL mom!" I flip/flop back and forth as to whether it is healthy or unhealthy for him to have a relationship with his birth parents. I think this is a struggle I will face everyday. A decision I can only make on a day by day, case by case basis.

I've been thinking of this Bible passage from 1 Kings 3:16-28:

16 Then two women who were harlots came to the king and stood before him.
17 The one woman said, "Oh, my lord, this woman and I live in the same house; and I gave birth to a child while she was in the house.
18 "It happened on the third day after I gave birth, that this woman also gave birth to a child, and we were together. There was no stranger with us in the house, only the two of us in the house.
19 "This woman's son died in the night, because she lay on it.
20 "So she arose in the middle of the night and took my son from beside me while your maidservant slept, and laid him in her bosom, and laid her dead son in my bosom.
21 "When I rose in the morning to nurse my son, behold, he was dead; but when I looked at him carefully in the morning, behold, he was not my son, whom I had borne."
22 Then the other woman said, "No! For the living one is my son, and the dead one is your son." But the first woman said, "No! For the dead one is your son, and the living one is my son." Thus they spoke before the king.
23 Then the king said, "The one says, 'This is my son who is living, and your son is the dead one'; and the other says, 'No! For your son is the dead one, and my son is the living one.'"
24 The king said, "Get me a sword." So they brought a sword before the king.
25 The king said, "Divide the living child in two, and give half to the one and half to the other." 26 Then the woman whose child was the living one spoke to the king, for she was deeply stirred over her son and said, "Oh, my lord, give her the living child, and by no means kill him." But the other said, "He shall be neither mine nor yours; divide him!"
27 Then the king said, "Give the first woman the living child, and by no means kill him. She is his mother."
28 When all Israel heard of the judgment which the king had handed down, they feared the king, for they saw that the wisdom of God was in him to administer justice.

I know some take issue with Jacob having a relationship with his birth family. I have prayed to God over and over about the right thing to do, how to handle this. I guess, He has been leading me to this passage. I know now my Jacob has 2 mothers that love him. Neither of us could ever divide him.

Jacob's birth parents chose us to love him, to support him, to raise him, to give him better than what they could. Yes, this woman gave away her child but she gave him to me to be his mother. ME! Could you think of a more precious gift to give someone? Could you think of a higher honor?

From this point forward, rather than show disgust toward Jacob's birth family, please say a prayer for them, for Jacob, and for us. A prayer that we make the right decisions in making positive relationships for him. A prayer that Jeremy and I raise a good man who doesn't hate us or think we took him away from his 'real' family. A prayer that Jacob sees his adoption as a positive growth experience in his life. A prayer of strength to Jacob's birth family as they do truly hurt. A prayer of thanks to Jacob's birth family for allowing us to bring Jacob into our families to give him the support, the love, and the care that they couldn't provide. For that is truly something to be thankful for!

Old.

Sunday night, I was lying on the couch feeling...hmm...out of sorts. Jacob came in and asked me, "Mommy, okay?"

"Yes, Mommy is okay."

"Mommy fick?"

"No, Mommy isn't sick."

"All better?"

"Yes, Mommy's all better."

"No hurt?"

"No, Mommy's not hurt."

"Old." He said. He gave me a nod and off he went.

Breaking it Better

A couple of weeks ago, we took J to Toys R Us to get a Pumper(firetruck). We walked through several aisles all along J looking around going "Ooooh!". We finally get to the trucks and see firetrucks. We started pointing them out, pushing buttons, and asking him which one he wanted. He kept pointing to the trash truck. No matter what we showed him, he kept going back to the trash truck. We thought about it, and I believe just decided that if it makes him happy, then screw the fire truck, trash truck it is. Now, mind you, it is a pretty cool trash truck. You flip the lever up and the arm lifts the dumpster and dumps it into the top of the trash truck. You push some other buttons, and flip other levers and you get trash truck noises. Jacob has truly enjoyed playing with this since he got it.

Now, as all toys tend to do with a three year old boy, the trash truck took a ride down the basement stairs. I figured it for a goner and I left it in the basement. (Our rule is if it goes down the stairs, it is lost until tomorrow. None of the games of going up and down.) Last night Mama brought it upstairs, Jacob was pushing the buttons and we hear:

"Pull over and stop the vehicle now!"

"We're in pursuit, need air support!"

"1487-694 Henry David Zebra. No wants, no warrant."

And of course, sirens.

All the sounds you would expect to come from the first police trash truck in existence.

Backfired

This morning, as I was getting ready for work, Jacob and Jeremy were playing in the bathroom. Jacob was whining at something Jeremy did that he didn't like.

I said, "Jacob? Is daddy a jerk?"

No answer

I tried a different approach, "Jacob, who's a big jerk?"

"You!"

In honor of 12 years of employment

Things I have learned or seen in the corporate women's restroom.

I never use the first stall in our bathroom. If someone is at the sink and they look to the right - they can see you, in all your glory, sitting on the pot.

A woman with red shoes who always chooses the first stall to sit on the pot, do her *business*, and have a lengthy conversation on her cell phone with someone in a foreign language.

The automatic air freshener that is so strong when you first walk in that you can taste it but it doesn't mask any odors.

A man. Yes, a real man.

When the door to stall #4 slams, it opens the doors to stalls 1-3.

As long as we're talking about the stalls - why is there only one can of spray for 4 stalls?

Why is there only one plunger?

There's a rolling cart of feminine products hidden in personal make-up bags. On top of this cart is a basket of company supplied feminine products. Across from this cart is a machine to deposit your quarter for a feminine product but the machine has never worked. Guess that explains the basket...

I will say no more of the items I've seen in the toilets or wiped on the walls.

But I do wonder why the floor gets wet around the toilet in stall #3.

The one thing I really don't understand - the undersides of the toilet seats are stained yellow where they are over the water. The cleaning ladies say it's from the chemicals they use BUT those chemicals leave the toilet water a lovely shade of light blue. Hmmm?

Here's to 12 more years!

FRONT ROW

I've heard a lot of talk about this Front Row thing lately. It started when I caught a snippet while changing channels on the TV. I saw it again as an article from a religious magazine wanting me to subscribe. I had a friend mention it to me. I saw a quote from it in our church newsletter. I even had another friend who was leaving my company mention it to me on his last day at work. I couldn't take it anymore! I went on a surfing expedition to find out exactly what this whole FRONT ROW thing is all about.

FRONT ROW

Life is a theater so invite your audiences carefully. Not everyone is worthy of having a FRONT ROW seat in our lives. There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go, or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going-anywhere relationships, friendships, fellowships and family!

Everyone Can't be in Your FRONT ROW

Observe the relationships around you. Pay attention to: Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which ones discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are just going downhill? When you leave certain people, do you feel better or feel worse? Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know and appreciate you and the gift that lies within you?

Everyone Can't be in Your FRONT ROW

The more you seek God and the things of God, the more you seek quality, the more you seek not just the hand of God but the face of God, the more you seek things honorable, the more you seek growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you, the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the FRONT ROW and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.

Everyone Can't be in Your FRONT ROW

You cannot change the people around you...but you can change the people you are around! Ask God for wisdom and discernment and choose wisely the people who sit in the FRONT ROW of your life. Remember that FRONT ROW seats are for special and deserving people and those who sit in your FRONT ROW should be chosen carefully.

Everyone Can't be in Your FRONT ROW

(thanks Oprah)

Censorship

We all have these blogs now. We post our little blips that we think everyone wants to hear. We post news about our little families, little trips here and there, and our pictures of happy moments. We get excited as we find out more and more people are reading our happy little events. We send the links to our blogs out to everyone we know and we watch our blogrolls grow and grow. It's all fun and happiness - for most.

I have enjoyed having a blog. I've always tried to write from my heart and be honest with myself. I've shared my happy moments, my holidays, my photos, and I've shared some not so happy moments. I've shared the worst day of my life.

As time goes on, more people read, more people comment, I find myself holding back. I find that some people, though meaning well, don't comprehend the hurt that sometimes lies within a post and they say stupid shit. I find that some people try to read between the lines and look for hidden meanings within a post and they say stupid shit. I find myself being scared to write - again.

When I was living in my mother's house, there was no such thing as privacy. It was Edna's house and Edna had access to all. I liked to write when I was younger. Her house was not a home with praise or encouragement or pride in us kids. My writing was never encouraged. My writing was something Edna feared. She feared that I would 'lie' and she would look bad. As a result, every written word in Edna's house was taken and read by her. I started a story once, Edna found it while I was at school, she took it, and she read it. She screamed at me for hours but kept my papers. I found them again after moving back home in my early twenties. She wrote all over the pages with a red pen, making editor marks. She wrote in the margins - 'lies", "never happened", etc. I took those pages and I burned them upstairs in the bathroom sink. I never wrote again until I started this blog.

I hesitate to post a lot more than I used to. I hesitate to offend people. I fear that Edna will again find and banish my words. I'm afraid to come across as a sympathy seeker. Or an Ugh, she's posting about that again. Well folks - that's all about to change!

All that said...This is my blog. I don't force you to read it. From here on out, I am going to say what I have to say (no, I'm not going to do anything that's just plain mean about anyone -except maybe Edna). Talk about what I want to talk about. I don't care how you feel anymore. If you feel the need to call my mother and read to her from this blog, just remember there will be a special little corner in hell reserved just for you. From now on, I will talk about things as they meet my needs. I will probably repeat myself. I may even contradict myself a time or two but I'm done feeling censored. I'm in control of what I write - You are in control of what you read!

From college to preschool

I met with an academic advisor at the college yesterday. It did go well. She'd like me to take a math class first (I HATE MATH!) on campus. Yeah - I think she missed the 10 times that I said I have an almost 3YO at home and my husband works nights!

The advisor gave me some study guides to take the placement exams. She'd like me to take these tests to see what courses I can test out of. There is no charge for the testing. Once I take the tests, and get more information on tuition reimbursement from my company, I'll decide if I'm going to further my education. Basically, if work won't pay it, I'm not doing it.

This morning, Jeremy, Jacob and I went to evaluate a preschool for Jacob. We're having a heck of a time figuring out where to send this kid next.

We've been working with Early On for almost a full year. They're fan-freaking-tastic! Jacob loves Alex and Miss Carrie. The problem here is once Jacob turns 3, Early On can't work with him any longer and he'll still need speech and occupational therapy. We've had to eliminate most of the preschools in our area as either Jacob's birthday is after the December 1 cut off or they only accept pottie trained kids. We basically have two choices. We either take Jacob in for drop-in therapy at the Intermediate School District or we take him to the EDCC preschool (don't ask me what those letters mean) where we went this morning.

I liked the school, the classroom, the teacher, the therapist - all that. But - wow! There are about 12 kids normally in this class. Ages 3 to 5. Of the 10 that were there today, I'd say about 2 of them made me wonder why they were there. The other 8 though, had obvious development issues. Most of the children were further behind than Jacob and older. There was one little boy that broke my heart. He came in late wearing a too small sweater and too short pants. His glasses, thicker than mine. I overheard the teacher say "They always bring him so late and he misses so much!" I do pray that he has parents who love him and are doing their best rather than the other alternative.

So, lots of news, lots of decisions to make, and lots of praying going on. Jeremy and I have a lot of talking to do, though his schedule doesn't allow for it right now. We'll keep you posted.

Back to School?

I was on my way to work Monday morning and I heard an ad on the radio for a local university. I thought to myself, 'Self, it might be the right time for you to go back to school'. I had a discussion with my manager on Monday as well. He was looking at training and goals for my yearly evaluation. He said to me "You know, a college course would look really good on here." and I said "Funny you should mention that."

I have an appointment with an advisor at that local university this afternoon.

If I can get all of the planets in alignment to my advantage, I will start taking classes for an Associate's degree in Business Management.

My company has tuition reimbursement, which will cover the cost. If I can get a 100% online course that takes place in the evening, I'll be all set. I love the idea of online courses! I'm terribly shy and HATE big groups of people that I don't already know.

I'm also not 'sold' on this school. If anyone has any ideas - I'd love to hear them.

Social Butterflies?

Jeremy and I have been entertaining ourselves with Facebook these days. We might need to get another computer!

I don't know how I got started with it but, it's been a lot of fun. A few old friends from high school have found me - one, I never in a million years would have expected to connect with again - and I keep adding to my list. I've added a few gizmos and gadgets here and there that I've been tagged on as well. I'm really enjoying making these connections again. I like the anticipation of opening my email and finding a friend request or even better, requesting someone I haven't talked to in years to be a friend or finding friends I thought I'd never see again.

Jeremy has been a lot more active with his than I. He's posting pictures and adding friends like a madman. He's found a few old friends too. I think he's enjoying it more than he'll ever say.

If you're out there, look us up!

Smart Mommy

I went to the eye doctor a few weeks ago, planning to make the switch back to glasses from contact lenses. At my appointment, the Doctor told me that if I hadn't already planned to go back to my glasses, he was going to encourage me to do so.

I've worn contact lenses since the 9th grade. I'm going to date myself here, and tell you that's been over 20 years! According to the eye doctor, my eyes have developed an allergic reaction to the material used in making contact lenses and I should give my eyes a break from them.

At work, when I'd wear my glasses, my friend Brian, would always ask me if I was feeling smarter. I'm a little vain when it comes to glasses and was very nervous about wearing them full-time. I picked up my new glasses last night and went to get Jacob from day-care, he looked at me, cocked his little head and pointed at my glasses. I couldn't resist asking him, "Does mommy look smart in her new glasses?" He gave me a big nod and said, "Nnnn-yeah!"

Later last night we were discussing if he wanted a "woo-woo (fire truck)" party or a "choo-choo" party for his upcoming birthday cake. He said "woo-woo par-tee!"

I said, "Yes, my son. As long as you think Mommy is smart, you can have anything you want!" I know my day is coming when he thinks I'm dumber than a box of rocks!

Obama in '08

My man won it!

Jacob went with us to "bote" last night. He was very excited. He sat beside me while I filled out my ballot and politely emptied the contents of my billfold all over the table. He kept asking "I bote?"

Yesterday morning, I asked Jacob, "Can you say 'Obama'?" He looked at me and said, "Ohh, Momma!" I think his daddy has been campaigning against me.

"Did mommy scare the poop out of you?"

Some of you may know that we occasionally get books from Dolly Parton's Imagination Library. One of Jacob's favorites is The Gruffalo. Lately he is showing some fear of the dark, although he still wants mommy and daddy to take him in dark rooms and whisper to us that it's dark. Tonight we were all in the kitchen, Jacob looked outside and whispered "dark" while nodding his head. He then whispered over and over "Fuffalo(Gruffalo)". Mommy asked him if the Gruffalo was after him. He whispered "Yes." and started shivering and walking out of the kitchen. Mommy then disturbed the silence with a "BOO". Jacob started to whine and ran to mommy with arms out and said, in that same whiny voice "Poopie". After I was done laughing I asked "Jacob, did mommy scare the poop out of you?". While giving mommy a big hug he said "Yes."

Thank You

Whew! I'm so glad this week is over.

Em, Kate, Matt, and Michelle - Thank you so, so much, for your thoughts, prayers, emails, support, and the beautiful flowers. I don't know what I would have done this past week without your encouragement! Thank you for being here for me when I needed you most.

Karen and Gloria - Thank you both for your emails. And the compliments on my writing. You both gave me different perspectives and different views. The post about Valerie was the hardest thing I have ever written. I hope I brought you back to some of your wonderful memories of our sister, instead of the pain from one of the worst days of our lives. We all went through the same thing at the same time but we all have different memories of the events from those three days. Though, I did cry like a big old baby, I was glad you took the time to share your memories and your hurt with me. Thank you.

David - Thank you for the note you left on my desk last week. I don't have the words to tell you how important your words were to me. I know you didn't mean to hurt my feelings. I'm sorry for hurting yours but, I'm not sorry I was angry. You may not always be my favorite brother, and I'm sure this won't be the last time I ever get angry with you. There isn't anything you can do about it- whether you like it or not, you'll always be my only brother.

Jeremy - my best friend, the only one allowed to see me at my most vulnerable. Always the one to pick up the pieces and put me back together again. Thank you so much for being here for me, for catching all of my tears. I'm still very glad it's you!

I'm very blessed to have such wonderful people in my life. It's all UP hill from here! :)

All Aboard!

The Big Da, Jacob and Mommy pumpkins.


After trick-or-treat.


On the way to see the neighbors.

The Pumpkin Patch #3

We made our annual trip to the pumpkin patch last week. It was a short trip. Though Jacob was in a mood, I did manage to get a few good pics.

Calling the "boo's". Cows don't say "moo" here. They say "boo"!



Picking his very own pumpkin.

And our traditional shot. I can't believe how much he's grown.

Today's Manistee News Advocate

In my hometown newspaper today:

"In loving memory of our sister, Valerie Lynne Elenbaas.
Aug. 20, 1962 - Oct. 29, 1983

We knew little that morning
That GOD was going to call your name.
In life, we loved you dearly,
In death, we do the same.
It broke our hearts to lose you.
You did not go alone:
For part of us went with you,
The day GOD called you home.

You left us peaceful memories,
Your love is still our guide
And though we cannot see you
You are always at our side.
Our family chain is broken
And nothing seems the same.
But as God calls us one by one
The chain will link again."

Thanks Dave & Jen - this is perfect.

October 29, 1983

It was a Saturday and I was 10 years old. Edna had worked the midnight shift (11PM to 7AM) at the salt factory. She went to bed to get some sleep before we drove to, I don't remember. My sister, Valerie was asleep too, wearing her ratty old tan nightgown that zipped up the front with some quilting on the chest that had worn to the point where it was barely quilted anymore. She had only moved back home maybe a few weeks before. I had snuggled with her in her twin bed, in the dark, tracing the 'poodle' on her hand with my finger, before going downstairs to play Atari and watch cartoons. I snuggled with her like that every morning as our house was old and cold. She said I was a "warm sleeper". She liked to have me there to keep her warm. I don't remember what time it was when the phone rang but, I hurried to answer it before anyone woke up.

It was Brian, Val's boss at the A&W. He needed to talk to her right away so I woke her up to take the call. When Valerie came downstairs she was dressed and while putting her shoes on, she said, "Someone broke into the A&W and stole a bunch of food. I have to go help Brian get the inventory together for the insurance adjuster. When mom wakes up, tell her where I went and tell her I'll be back in time to go. And Gail Ann, tell mom I love her." She got in her Chevy Chevette and she drove away.

I was still playing my Atari when Edna woke up. She asked where Val was and I told her. Edna sat at the table to pay some bills but she was acting distracted - she kept looking up, looking at the clock, then looking at me as if to say 'where is Val?'. The phone rang again, it was Brian's mom, asking if Val was home yet. She wasn't. She told Edna that there was an accident at Fox Farm Road and US 31 that morning. She was sure it wasn't Val but, Edna already knew. She'd known for a while. She knew it when she woke up. She knew it when the phone rang.

My sister, Karen and her husband, Mike parked out in the street blocking our driveway. I watched them from the kitchen window. Karen got out to come into the house and Edna started to scream and to cry. Karen was wearing a blue and white striped dress - she carried blue knitted slippers with little pom-poms that matched her dress. I could tell by her eyes that she'd been crying - or still was. She'd been working at the hospital when the Medical Examiner came to get her from her office to call our dentist at his home to get Valerie's dental records. My dad was in the hospital from complications of Multiple Sclerosis at the time. Karen had already told my dad, now she came home to tell Edna that our Valerie had been killed that morning.

Valerie had been on her way to help Brian. She was low on gas. She turned around to go back to a gas station and she ran a stop sign at Fox Farm Road and US31. A little after 10AM, Valerie hit a fully loaded gasoline tanker that was pulling two tanks. Her Chevette wedged between those two tanks, caught on fire and was drug 100 feet down the road where it was released from the tanker and continued to burn with our Valerie still inside. They later determined she died on impact as Carbon Monoxide was not present in her lungs. Thank God. The firefighters and the paramedics couldn't get her body out of the car on the scene. They covered her car with a giant white sheet, loaded it onto a flat bed truck and hauled it right down US31, the main street through town, to the hospital where her body was removed from the car and identified by her dental records. She was burnt beyond recognition.

I went home with Karen and Mike that afternoon. I remember snuggling with Karen in her bed, just like I had with Valerie that morning.

Over the next three days, people came to our house to bring food and condolences. Big pans, big pots of food. Meatballs, casseroles, desserts, breakfasts, food, food, food. I remember our big freezer in the basement being packed with food and the stacks of pans on the kitchen counter to be returned to their owners. My brother worked at the House of Flavors then. His boss brought our whole family in for breakfast one morning, maybe the morning of the funeral. I guess when someone dies, people don't know what to do.

I was a cowgirl for Halloween that year. I think one of my sisters helped me - must have been. I remember my hair in braids, my cowgirl boots, and hat. I went trick-or-treating with my nephew, Matt who had just turned 1. Valerie's visitation at the funeral home was on Halloween night. I remember all the flowers and her senior picture in a big frame on top of her casket. I remember the funeral director took me upstairs to see the caskets because, I was scared that Valerie couldn't breathe inside hers. She had a closed casket visitation/funeral. Her casket was blue, her favorite color and on the inside, little daisies were embroidered on the lining. He said that was the one Edna and my brother had picked for her. Edna was hysterical as she wanted to see Valerie - the funeral director wouldn't let her. He said "you'll never forget the sight, and you'll never forget the smell". I stayed for the first slot of visitation - the 2 to 4PM but went trick-or-treating until the 7 to 9PM. We trick-or-treated by the funeral home that year rather than through our neighborhood and my brother-in-law, Ron took us, instead of my brother who was being the man of the family at the funeral home. My brother had just graduated high school the year before. I went to the second set of visitation for maybe an hour. They thought it was too much for me so they took me to Grandma Dor's (Karen's mother-in-law) across the street from the funeral home, until it was over. My nephew was already there and I was still wearing my cowgirl costume.

On Tuesday, November 1, 1983, I wore a burgundy, velvet pantsuit with an ivory blouse and miniature penny earrings to my sister's funeral. Edna's sister, Betty curled my hair and made me look like a girl. I sat in the front row between Edna and my brother with Larry and Doris Hagen. Larry is my dad's best friend and they were Val's Godparents. My dad wasn't there, he was still in the hospital. My fifth grade teacher played the organ for her service. I remember seeing my mom's friend Sue, from the factory there. She was wearing a skirt. I remember thinking 'hmpf, she has legs, never seen them before, who knew!?!' and she gave me a shy wave. We had a dinner in the gym at my school (my school and our church are connected through the gym) after the service. Pastor hugged me so hard that one of my earrings poked me in the head. A lot of Val's friends were there. All of my aunts and uncles - even my mom's parents who never left the farm, were there. My grandpa wore gray dress pants - I'd only ever seen him in bib overalls - I saw him wipe his eyes at the funeral too and more than once. You see, he'd lost his son on October 29, 1966.

We went out to the cemetery that night after our Valerie was buried - we didn't have a graveside service. I don't remember which sister I was with or if I was with my mom. I remember finding out later that we had all been out there that night at different times, parked to the side with the headlights from the car illuminating the fresh mound of wet dirt and the temporary grave marker from the funeral home that took Edna almost 10 years to replace. As if we all needed to say our last goodbyes to our sister in private.

Valerie's grave is in Trinity Lutheran Cemetery in Manistee. My dad is next to her now. Her headstone has a rainbow on it and says 'rainbows are forever'. Valerie loved rainbows and for that reason, they always make me cry. She loved Fozzie bear and Animal from The Muppets, and REO Speedwagon's song 'Time for me to Fly'. She was left handed and had beautiful handwriting (like my sister Cindy). She'd order pizza or subs with extra onions and then add more onions at home. She loved liver and onions too. Her hands always smelled like onions and every time I chop onions, the smell on my hands makes me think of her. She drank Miller Lite and smoked Virginia Slims. She bowled, she played cards - she taught me to play crazy 8's and we played every chance we got! She had a birthmark or a burn scar on her hand that looked like a poodle - I liked to sit on her lap and trace it with my finger - she'd bark to scare me. She did take cosmetology classes but, hated to cut the kid across the street's hair cuz it was greasy and gross - though she did it for extra money. She had a cute little turned up button nose and a giggle of a laugh. She used to make puppets with her hands named Ralph and Malph to keep me entertained in the car so I didn't drive my dad bonkers. We'd lock my brother out of the bathroom and yell to him "M-U-D spells Dave, D-A-V-E spells Mud" over and over. We'd sing "U-G-L-Y you ain't got no alibi. You UGLY, yeah, yeah, you ugly" and 'howl' at all the right times to Warren Zevon's Werewolves of London.We were dorks and it was fun.

We all spent a long time after Valerie died, thinking we'd come home one day and she'd be there. Waiting for us. We'd round the corner and her blue Chevette would be parked on the street in front of our house like it always had been. Like this was some kind of cruel mistake. Edna didn't go back to work for a month. Rumors went around town that we were suing the truck driver that Valerie hit. I think the insurance must have hired an investigator to look over the evidence. The truck diver quit his job. He couldn't drive again. Eventually, for us, life went on, kind of. Edna wouldn't let me out of her sight most of the time. A friend finally told her that she couldn't protect me forever. She did let up, though I don't think she was ever 'right' again.

25 years. Still seems like yesterday. I was the last person to see my sister Valerie alive. It's a strange feeling to have carried for so long. Sometimes, I feel sad that I don't remember more, that maybe I should have woken up my mom to make her stay. That I should have done something. Sometimes I wonder what God was thinking by putting that on 10 year-old shoulders. I like to think Valerie is here, that I have a special guardian angel watching over me. I like to think that she is my instincts, my eyes, my ears. Actually, this psychic I once knew said that Valerie does watch over me. Eternally my big sister. I'll always miss her. I'll always remember this day, I'll always love her and I'll always remember her.

It went just fine

We're home.

All went just fine. No complications. No excitement. Though the relaxant they gave Jeremy before they took him to surgery made him loopy and goofy. Provided for a little entertainment.

Jeremy has the next week to take it easy. I'll be looking forward to returning to work.

Thanks for your prayers and well wishes!

Under the knife

We're hanging out with Bammie (grandma) this morning waiting to leave for the hospital.

Jeremy has to register at 9:30 AM. They tell us we'll be there for 4 to 6 hours. I have a bag of books and some crochet to keep me occupied. Jacob got a new 5 pack of "woo-woos" (firetrucks) to play with. And poor Jeremy can't even have a cup of coffee.

I asked Jeremy this morning if he wanted me to take a picture of him sitting on Jacob's little couch while we waited to post for y'all. Then a bird flew through my living room. Guess his answer was no.

I'll post again when we're back home.

3 things

There are 3 things that you NEVER discuss in mixed company.

Religion. Sex. Politics.

I am voting for Barack Obama. As an American, I have that right. I have the right to choose the person that I think will do the best job in leading our country. It's a right and a privilege to have that freedom of choice. And that right belongs to me, just the same as it does to you. You are exercising the same rights and privileges by voting for John McCain.

I am an adult. I am not ignorant. I have done very well for myself in my 35 years. I have researched my candidate and where he stands on the issues. I have reviewed Senator Obama against Senator McCain on an independent website weighing all of the issues on a pro/con basis and my views, my beliefs best match Senator Obama. Not that I need to explain myself or my choice to you.

Jeremy and I are on opposite sides this election year. We don't discuss the election in our own home. It's not discussed at work. I don't talk about the election with my friends or my family. I won't discuss it with you.

I don't appreciate bashing of my candidate. I hate mud slinging and I'm not fond of tattle-tales either. I do not want to debate this with you. I do not want you to attempt to sway my decision. I don't do it to you. I can respect your choice. Please respect mine.

That said. Stop calling my house. Stop emailing me. Stop interrupting my television programs. I don't want to hear you on my radio either. I have made my choice. I don't care who you chose. Go Away! Leave me alone!

There's a lighthouse...

"There's a ship out on the ocean at the mercy of the sea
It's been tossed about lost and broken wandering aimlessly
And God, somehow you know that ship is me

Because there's a lighthouse in a harbor shining faithfully
Pouring it's light out across the water for this sinking soul to see
That someone out there still believes in me"
When You Come Back to me Again - Garth Brooks

I feel like that ship these days. Like I'm rowing and rowing and rowing and not knowing where I'm going.

When I flipped my calendar to October, I was hit with a ton of bricks. The end of this month marks the 25th anniversary of my sister's death. I'm having a really hard time with it. I cry at the drop of a hat. My sister Karen (#2) said my sister Gloria (#3) had a hard time this year too. I can't believe how sensitive I am this year. Jeremy said sometimes the milestone anniversaries hit you harder. A little like a shock. I'm working on something to commemorate this anniversary and I am procrastinating. Maybe it's the thought that if I ignore it, it won't come.

Jeremy's surgery is coming up. I'm still holding on to a lot of insecurities about it. I don't know what his recovery is going to be like. For that matter - I don't even know exactly what the procedure is for these. Everyone is telling me that they use mesh but, I read that there are a lot of complications with the mesh. I think I'm more scared of being Jacob's primary caregiver for a week.

The news of Jacob's speech delay hit me very hard. We don't have complete results yet and maybe I'm jumping the gun being so upset. I'm really having a hard time keeping it together. I just feel like I could have done more. I feel like I failed him.

I closed the comments on this post. I love my friends and I appreciate that you want to help me with my hurts. I appreciate your thoughts but, I don't want help. I don't want encouragement. I don't want advice, I don't want happy thoughts, and I certainly don't want sympathy. I'll be fine. I have my faith in God, I have a wonderful husband who is doing his best to just hold me when I cry. I need to work through this hurt on my own, as a wife, as a mom, as a sister, maybe even as a friend.

I'm rowing towards November 2 - when my memories cease to haunt me. For that's where the lighthouse is in the harbor.

Getting Better

Well, Alex the speech therapist just left. We have the results of Jacob's test, kinda. The test that Alex used is different than the test that Jan used. So things are a little different, but it still shows that Jacob is behind.

In his comprehensive(putting names to pictures, etc.) he did very well, although he only scored at 28 months, he had alot of areas where he had pluses. According to Alex that means he was "growing" in those areas, and was doing well, but he could not give him full credit. So basically 28+. His expressive(talking in general, sounding out words) however was still quite low, 23 months.

The good news? Jacob has made immense progress over the last several months and is showing no signs of slowing down. We keep hearing that we are going to get tired of his talking soon. I don't think so. (Although, he does drive Gail crazy when he keeps saying "mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama at 6 in the morning).

Next speech update, next Wednesday.

Mom's turn - Mom isn't taking this news very well. I wasn't home for Alex's visit this morning. Maybe that's a good thing. I think of my beautiful child and all of the progress he has made and I am so proud...yet so disappointed that it still isn't enough. Jacob is still more than a year delayed. I know there isn't anything we could have done differently or done better. We've done everything possible. I still feel as if I should have known earlier that something was wrong. There should have been more I could have done. I see how smart Jacob is and it breaks my heart to know he's still not where he should be. Or even close. I know he's made a huge progression but, I still feel like I didn't do enough as his mom.

Reciprocation? Kindness? Generosity?

Last week, I read a post on a blog that I like. The question was this: "let's say you're given the opportunity to donate some money to a desperate family who would use it to feed their children, but were only able to do so if you donated the same amount of money to someone you knew would use it to buy crack. Would you do it?"

I mulled over this question for awhile because it actually touches into my own life a little bit. So you can think on that question while I explain.

I've thought long and hard about the question above and her answer to it, I realized what I've been doing wrong, all of this time. I guess I always thought that if you did something for someone, they kind of owed you, in a way. That there always had to be some sort of reciprocation. All of my life, I had thought I had a say in what a person did with the help I gave to them. I thought I could judge them based on their decisions. I also had the idea that it was up to me what type of reciprocation was acceptable. I thought I got to pick what was 'good enough'. I was wrong. VERY wrong and I've been wrong for a long time. I don't want to be that person anymore. I'm not going to be that person anymore. I'm going to be like the brother. I'm going to give that man the $20 for a rose and not care what he does with it - because he needs that money so much more than I do!

I'm learning that reciprocation isn't as cut and dried as the dictionary definition. It's always been there but, I needed to open my eyes a little wider to see it. I see it now. Sometimes, it comes in the surprise of a new friend that you've never met, encouragement from an old friend that you really miss, or even in the tears of a mother who was so thankful for some help because she didn't know how she would clothe her three children this winter. So, you see, it does come. It comes from kindness. It comes from generosity. It comes when you open your heart, ignore those voices in your head, and just do the right thing. Speaking of the right thing, I know I hurt my sister-in-law by being such a hard ass. For that, I can never apologize enough but, I'm sure going to try. It's the right thing to do.

So back to the question. This me. This new me. The one that found her heart, and it's a big, soft heart - I would sooo give the money. But, I'm very curious. What would you do?

Out of character

I know it's not like me to go so long without a post. I'm here to tell you, it's probably gonna be a little while before the next and I'm also gonna give you my whole list of excuses.

• I am so busy at work right now. I swear, I am running in circles around my circles.
• I am immersed in a project though I know I'll get an empty 'thanks' and never see the results or any true appreciation of my efforts, I'm truly loving every minute of it and the people I have met along the way!
• We're spending every spare moment at home getting ready for Jeremy's surgery. He won't be able to lift for awhile and this hits us at the worst time. Storm windows need to go up, toys need to come in, lawn furniture needs to come in, plastic needs to go up, the air conditioner needs to go in the attic, the new back door needs to get put in. All that fun old house stuff.
• I'm super stressed over our lack of money. But - we did sell our Michigan tickets! And the price of gas is going down.
• My friend Jeannie (Harper's Aunt), her mom is in the hospital (3 days in ICU) and Jeannie's pretty worn out. I'm worried about her.
• Jeremy applied for a General Manager position - again. And didn't get it - again. So he's been putting in some extra efforts at work getting his new boss acclimated.
• I blew out my knee again and I HATE the Dr. I went to before and need to find a new one. Every time I wince - Jeremy says "Call the Dr." I try not to let him see. So sitting at the computer more than I absolutely have to is not an option.
• I saw a mouse! In our back porch (it's enclosed but not finished space) this morning. Moving the boxes of jeans from the porch to the garage is another project on the list before Jeremy is incapacitated. I was proud of myself though- I didn't wig!

Things going well:

• Jacob had his test with the speech therapist. He did GREAT! Alex said Jacob's comprehension level is really high. Alex saw the fear in my face over some of the tasks Jacob couldn't perform and said "That's okay - those are ABOVE his age level". We'll have the full results of the test next week.
• Miss Carrie - our development therapist came yesterday and said that after talking to Alex, it looks like Jacob will just have to do 'drop-in' therapy once he turns 3. As he's made so much progress!
• A friend of Jeremy's from high school is going to come up and help us out getting things done before Jeremy's surgery and he's also going to come entertain Jeremy during his recovery. I love that guy!
• My knee is feeling better - sometimes - I'm still slow, I still limp and have trouble with stairs. Ugh! Carrying Jacob is still a nightmare.
• I made a new friend, her name is Lisa. I met her through my project. She's a great woman and I look forward to spending more time with her.
• My other project is turning out far better than I anticipated. There are truly some wonderful and generous people in this world.
• We bought our new doors for the house and the garage. Thankfully, The garage door can wait.
• My brother is doing great in his new job. I talk to him a lot more.
• We're planning a mini-trip up home for the end of the month. I'm very excited.
• I bought a new pattern book and have found that I can crochet a dishcloth in one evening.
• After what seemed like forever, the pool is down and put away.

I'm also going to start giving you some Jacob-isms - as we call 'em.

A few nights ago we were talking with Jacob.

"Do you like Mommy? Is she nice?"

"nn-yeah"

"Do you like Daddy? Is he nice?"

"nnn-No, he bite"

Transferred

Picture it:

I'm sitting at my desk in the sea of cubicles, eating my lunch, surfing some blogs and my phone rings.

'That's dock 6. What does Jason want?', I thought to myself.

"Hello, this is Gail", I anwered.

"Come down here and get your shit!", I hear. Only, it's not Jason. It's my brother!

We work for the same company only in different buildings - until now. He's going to be over here on a temporary, possibly permanent basis doing shipping and receiving. I've been here almost 12 years, he almost 22. This isn't the first time we've been in the same building but it's the first time we're in the same building and on the same shift.

Welcome to the Country Club, big brother!

It's not going well...

Little Harper is really having some struggles. I don't think his mom is doing so good either...

I'm Loosing Control
Posted 1 day ago
I just wanted to quickly let everyone know that I am scared out of my mind because of the lack of control that I have in the ICU...I could explain to all of you the feelings of helplessness that surge through me in moments of weakness but I prefer to purge the worry and remind myself through these words to you: My son is strong. He is a child of God and protected in his healing spirit. Harper is intended to make it through the trails into triumph...in Jesus name we pray.

That is all I can say.

Keep waiting for word of his turn-around.

P.s.
Tatum wrote me a note today that read "FGBMHESCX" in perfect penmenship...she read the note to me...Dear Mom, I love you and I am with you wherever you are. Tonight we are together in person and I am very thankful.

Pray. Pray Hard.

I got another update on Harper yesterday. My heart breaks for this young little family. Faye (Harper's Mom) is trying so hard to put on a brave face. I can't imagine the pain this girl is experiencing watching over her sweet boy. I pray I never have to.

Pray for Harper
Posted 13 hours ago

So the last few days have been more than I would think that I can handle but as it turns out we are getting through it.

Harper ended up in the ICU on Tuesday due to septic shock which occurs when a bacterial infection takes over the blood and he is unable to sustain lively vitals such as blood pressure and heart rate. His body has in fact allowed for a strep bacteria to invade his blood stream and reap havoc on his insides. Do not be confused, this is not severe strep throat, it is a natural skin bacteria that everyone carries and unfortunately due to Harper's circumstance (nuetrepenia, (no immune defense)) the bacteria grew to an unhealthy level inside of him. The infection has allowed for seeping bacteria to invade his lungs which has resulted in bacterial pneumonia and of course the blood infection is causing severe lethargy and high fever. He has been completely reliant on blood products since we entered into intensive care and due to the infection the bacteria has been consuming his platelets faster than they are being given. Harper remains lethargic and unable to eat. They have been treating him with i.v. food (i.e. proteins, vitamins, fats, and sugars), antibiotics, and oxygen. He speaks occasionally to say 'no', 'don't' and 'nite-nite'. My boys butt is raw and painful due to the severe diarrhea caused from stripping the natural bacteria in the bowels because of his meds. This is the only thing that he really speaks out against in terms of pain and misery. I am hopeful that we will see a turn around in the next couple of days and that the antibiotics will overpower the evil bacteria. There are many details that have been left out but the jist is what I have explained and prayers need only detail a speedy recovery from the bacterial infection.

We love you guys and I look forward to the next update with good news to follow.

White foot project: Complete!

This is what I was doing when I painted both of my feets.



My sister gifted the mum in its little basket to me when she was here. My brother gave me the chair but, it wasn't really safe for sitting so I painted it. I'd been planning to redo the house numbers for some time and was originally going to cover the numbers in river pebbles - I like this look better.

Check-Up

Jacob had his 6 month check-up with the ENT (for his tubes) this morning. Doc said they looked pretty good. He had to dig out some wax in both ears. The right ear was worse than the left and Doc was concerned about the wax plugging the tube. Doc ended up making the ear bleed a little bit while cleaning it out. Jacob was a little squirmy. We have to do drops again for a few days until it heals up.

Doc is also having us come back every four months for a recheck rather than every six months to prevent the excessive build-up. We also have to do drops for a few days before the next appointment to moisten the ear to make cleaning easier.

The Doc asked us if we thought Jacob was hearing any better. I'm certain he is for the fact that he's such a little repeater. He's added more words since I last posted. Grandpa, over, clue, red, green, a drink, light, on, off, onies (macaroni), not hot, and I'm sure there's more. It's so great to see the progress!

Word Explosion!

I don't know if it's the new speech therapist or he's just ready to talk now but Jacob is just saying all kinds of new things. Honestly, he says something new everyday. Daddy keeps saying he doesn't say "L". I keep telling Daddy "it's perfectly normal, most kids have trouble with L."

Jacob now says:

I play
I bump - just this morning and he laughs every time
help
home
three
five
eight
move
Alex - the speech therapist
ear
snake
zoo

He'll repeat the letters of the alphabet and numbers. He's also repeating most anything you ask him to or at least trying to. Big Da and I, we hang on every word! Everyone keeps telling me "once he gets going you'll wish he'd shut up". No, I don't think so. He has the sweetest little voice, every word out of his mouth is music to my ears. Hmm, except for in the car when he says "momma, momma, momma?", I say "what?" and he points to Jeremy and says "Big Da!". He knows it bugs the hell out of me and so he keeps doing it, over and over. Or when just Jacob and I are home and he chants "Big Da!" until he goes to bed. Yeah, those moments are a little annoying but, it's still such a relief, knowing he's almost 3, and finally speaking!

The absolute best though:

"Jacob, say 'I'"
"I"
"Love"
"Wuv"
"You"
"YOU!"

In other news, I only have one white foot now. My right foot is back to normal but, the left still has a way to go. Jacob saw the painted feet last night and said "EEEUW!" then started picking at the paint which only tickled and didn't remove any paint. I have one more coat to spray on the chair and a wooden plaque to paint this weekend. I'll post picks when I'm done with this project.

Odd. So very odd.

I bought tickets to the Michigan vs. Toledo game on October 11. Jeremy and I had decided to sell the tickets for the fact that it's $100 for the tickets, $30 for parking and God only knows what for gas, plus the food and drinks at the game. It's just too expensive for now with his surgery coming up and all. We also decided that if we could sell the tickets, that'd be great, if not, we'll just go - have one last date before he dies in surgery. I made one last ditch effort to sell the tickets on Tuesday.

I called John.

I left a simple message: "Hey, it's Gail. I'm not trying to be weird or creepy or anything. I have 2 Michigan tickets that I need to get rid of. They're the same seats we had when you and I went before. IF you want them, call my cell phone XXX-XXX-XXXX. If I DON'T hear from you, I will assume you do NOT want them. Thanks." No big deal, so I thought.

My cell phone rang yesterday at exactly 4:30PM. Now remember - this is a new phone. A company phone. The only people in Manistee who have the # are Edna, my sister, and I think Lori and Jeannie - now John. The number calling was a Manistee #.

I answered: "Hello, this is Gail"
"Who am I speaking to?" she asked
"Gail, who am I speaking to?"
*clunk* she hung up

Of course, I did a reverse look-up on the number. An unlisted business on Magill St. in Manistee. I went to another desk here and called the number. I got a recording that said "Thank you" then a bunch of beeping - sounded like dialing - like I was being forwarded. I hung up.

I don't think he married again. Last I knew he had a girlfriend. She was more his own age - older than I. This sounded like a young girl. Then again, he's 21 years older than me, so obviously age doesn't matter to him. But, I think my phone call sure mattered to someone.

And by the way - Don't ever spray paint a chair in your basement while barefoot. You'll end up with the bottoms of your feet all white and spray paint doesn't just 'wash off'. Especially when one uses Rust-Oleum to paint a wooden chair. You also get a dustedly white floor with footprints in it. Painted feet feel really funny in shoes and socks.

On to fun things...

Sleeping on the floor in the den with the St. Louis Cardinals pillow and blanket while wearing Detroit Tigers jammies (what a fan!?!) - complete with his hand in his pants. Thatta boy!

BTW - look at his toe...


And a new big boy haircut.

Update: Little Harper's Surgery

I have some updates on my friend's nephew:

Surgery Day
Posted Sep 15, 2008 11:13pm

"In about 7 hours we will be on our way to Detroit Children's Hospital for the placement of Harper's "life-line". Pray for our baby...lets all be hopeful and trusting.

I appreciate your words of encouragement and find a great deal of comfort in the clickity-clack of my computer keyboard so thank you.

P.S.Harper is a wild man...he is rambunctious and laughing...seemingly unaware that cancer is a part of his world at this point...lets pray that his resilience continues! And Tatum...she is my princess - God bless her too! "

And:

All is well...
Posted 23 hours ago

"Chemotherapy has been underway for several days now and as you can imagine our little spokesman for resilience is having nothing but a good time. He is laughing and playing with all the same energy and blissful ignorance as before. We have had the best play dates with fellow patients Savannah (age 5) and Morgan (almost 6)...Harper and I really miss playing with Tatum so it has truly been a blessing to bond with these girls.

The boy has 3 days left of his therapy, after that we wait for his counts to bottom out and then recover once again...I am so proud of what my baby has gone through and with such dignity - Way to go Harper!

We anticipate a consultation with Detroit regarding the details of transplant and donor specifics...I guess the doctors are refreshing the donor search to see if any new cord blood has become available in the registry. So any new details will be posted as they come in.

Less we forget...my dear Tatum is running things at home and doing a fine job from what I gather. She is keeping dad in line when it comes to Friday folders and fundraisers for school, and most importantly she is happy. She also enjoyed a play date with four of her girlfriends yesterday thanks to my girlfriends' thoughtfulness.
God Bless. "