There's a lighthouse...

"There's a ship out on the ocean at the mercy of the sea
It's been tossed about lost and broken wandering aimlessly
And God, somehow you know that ship is me

Because there's a lighthouse in a harbor shining faithfully
Pouring it's light out across the water for this sinking soul to see
That someone out there still believes in me"
When You Come Back to me Again - Garth Brooks

I feel like that ship these days. Like I'm rowing and rowing and rowing and not knowing where I'm going.

When I flipped my calendar to October, I was hit with a ton of bricks. The end of this month marks the 25th anniversary of my sister's death. I'm having a really hard time with it. I cry at the drop of a hat. My sister Karen (#2) said my sister Gloria (#3) had a hard time this year too. I can't believe how sensitive I am this year. Jeremy said sometimes the milestone anniversaries hit you harder. A little like a shock. I'm working on something to commemorate this anniversary and I am procrastinating. Maybe it's the thought that if I ignore it, it won't come.

Jeremy's surgery is coming up. I'm still holding on to a lot of insecurities about it. I don't know what his recovery is going to be like. For that matter - I don't even know exactly what the procedure is for these. Everyone is telling me that they use mesh but, I read that there are a lot of complications with the mesh. I think I'm more scared of being Jacob's primary caregiver for a week.

The news of Jacob's speech delay hit me very hard. We don't have complete results yet and maybe I'm jumping the gun being so upset. I'm really having a hard time keeping it together. I just feel like I could have done more. I feel like I failed him.

I closed the comments on this post. I love my friends and I appreciate that you want to help me with my hurts. I appreciate your thoughts but, I don't want help. I don't want encouragement. I don't want advice, I don't want happy thoughts, and I certainly don't want sympathy. I'll be fine. I have my faith in God, I have a wonderful husband who is doing his best to just hold me when I cry. I need to work through this hurt on my own, as a wife, as a mom, as a sister, maybe even as a friend.

I'm rowing towards November 2 - when my memories cease to haunt me. For that's where the lighthouse is in the harbor.