October 29, 1983

It was a Saturday and I was 10 years old. Edna had worked the midnight shift (11PM to 7AM) at the salt factory. She went to bed to get some sleep before we drove to, I don't remember. My sister, Valerie was asleep too, wearing her ratty old tan nightgown that zipped up the front with some quilting on the chest that had worn to the point where it was barely quilted anymore. She had only moved back home maybe a few weeks before. I had snuggled with her in her twin bed, in the dark, tracing the 'poodle' on her hand with my finger, before going downstairs to play Atari and watch cartoons. I snuggled with her like that every morning as our house was old and cold. She said I was a "warm sleeper". She liked to have me there to keep her warm. I don't remember what time it was when the phone rang but, I hurried to answer it before anyone woke up.

It was Brian, Val's boss at the A&W. He needed to talk to her right away so I woke her up to take the call. When Valerie came downstairs she was dressed and while putting her shoes on, she said, "Someone broke into the A&W and stole a bunch of food. I have to go help Brian get the inventory together for the insurance adjuster. When mom wakes up, tell her where I went and tell her I'll be back in time to go. And Gail Ann, tell mom I love her." She got in her Chevy Chevette and she drove away.

I was still playing my Atari when Edna woke up. She asked where Val was and I told her. Edna sat at the table to pay some bills but she was acting distracted - she kept looking up, looking at the clock, then looking at me as if to say 'where is Val?'. The phone rang again, it was Brian's mom, asking if Val was home yet. She wasn't. She told Edna that there was an accident at Fox Farm Road and US 31 that morning. She was sure it wasn't Val but, Edna already knew. She'd known for a while. She knew it when she woke up. She knew it when the phone rang.

My sister, Karen and her husband, Mike parked out in the street blocking our driveway. I watched them from the kitchen window. Karen got out to come into the house and Edna started to scream and to cry. Karen was wearing a blue and white striped dress - she carried blue knitted slippers with little pom-poms that matched her dress. I could tell by her eyes that she'd been crying - or still was. She'd been working at the hospital when the Medical Examiner came to get her from her office to call our dentist at his home to get Valerie's dental records. My dad was in the hospital from complications of Multiple Sclerosis at the time. Karen had already told my dad, now she came home to tell Edna that our Valerie had been killed that morning.

Valerie had been on her way to help Brian. She was low on gas. She turned around to go back to a gas station and she ran a stop sign at Fox Farm Road and US31. A little after 10AM, Valerie hit a fully loaded gasoline tanker that was pulling two tanks. Her Chevette wedged between those two tanks, caught on fire and was drug 100 feet down the road where it was released from the tanker and continued to burn with our Valerie still inside. They later determined she died on impact as Carbon Monoxide was not present in her lungs. Thank God. The firefighters and the paramedics couldn't get her body out of the car on the scene. They covered her car with a giant white sheet, loaded it onto a flat bed truck and hauled it right down US31, the main street through town, to the hospital where her body was removed from the car and identified by her dental records. She was burnt beyond recognition.

I went home with Karen and Mike that afternoon. I remember snuggling with Karen in her bed, just like I had with Valerie that morning.

Over the next three days, people came to our house to bring food and condolences. Big pans, big pots of food. Meatballs, casseroles, desserts, breakfasts, food, food, food. I remember our big freezer in the basement being packed with food and the stacks of pans on the kitchen counter to be returned to their owners. My brother worked at the House of Flavors then. His boss brought our whole family in for breakfast one morning, maybe the morning of the funeral. I guess when someone dies, people don't know what to do.

I was a cowgirl for Halloween that year. I think one of my sisters helped me - must have been. I remember my hair in braids, my cowgirl boots, and hat. I went trick-or-treating with my nephew, Matt who had just turned 1. Valerie's visitation at the funeral home was on Halloween night. I remember all the flowers and her senior picture in a big frame on top of her casket. I remember the funeral director took me upstairs to see the caskets because, I was scared that Valerie couldn't breathe inside hers. She had a closed casket visitation/funeral. Her casket was blue, her favorite color and on the inside, little daisies were embroidered on the lining. He said that was the one Edna and my brother had picked for her. Edna was hysterical as she wanted to see Valerie - the funeral director wouldn't let her. He said "you'll never forget the sight, and you'll never forget the smell". I stayed for the first slot of visitation - the 2 to 4PM but went trick-or-treating until the 7 to 9PM. We trick-or-treated by the funeral home that year rather than through our neighborhood and my brother-in-law, Ron took us, instead of my brother who was being the man of the family at the funeral home. My brother had just graduated high school the year before. I went to the second set of visitation for maybe an hour. They thought it was too much for me so they took me to Grandma Dor's (Karen's mother-in-law) across the street from the funeral home, until it was over. My nephew was already there and I was still wearing my cowgirl costume.

On Tuesday, November 1, 1983, I wore a burgundy, velvet pantsuit with an ivory blouse and miniature penny earrings to my sister's funeral. Edna's sister, Betty curled my hair and made me look like a girl. I sat in the front row between Edna and my brother with Larry and Doris Hagen. Larry is my dad's best friend and they were Val's Godparents. My dad wasn't there, he was still in the hospital. My fifth grade teacher played the organ for her service. I remember seeing my mom's friend Sue, from the factory there. She was wearing a skirt. I remember thinking 'hmpf, she has legs, never seen them before, who knew!?!' and she gave me a shy wave. We had a dinner in the gym at my school (my school and our church are connected through the gym) after the service. Pastor hugged me so hard that one of my earrings poked me in the head. A lot of Val's friends were there. All of my aunts and uncles - even my mom's parents who never left the farm, were there. My grandpa wore gray dress pants - I'd only ever seen him in bib overalls - I saw him wipe his eyes at the funeral too and more than once. You see, he'd lost his son on October 29, 1966.

We went out to the cemetery that night after our Valerie was buried - we didn't have a graveside service. I don't remember which sister I was with or if I was with my mom. I remember finding out later that we had all been out there that night at different times, parked to the side with the headlights from the car illuminating the fresh mound of wet dirt and the temporary grave marker from the funeral home that took Edna almost 10 years to replace. As if we all needed to say our last goodbyes to our sister in private.

Valerie's grave is in Trinity Lutheran Cemetery in Manistee. My dad is next to her now. Her headstone has a rainbow on it and says 'rainbows are forever'. Valerie loved rainbows and for that reason, they always make me cry. She loved Fozzie bear and Animal from The Muppets, and REO Speedwagon's song 'Time for me to Fly'. She was left handed and had beautiful handwriting (like my sister Cindy). She'd order pizza or subs with extra onions and then add more onions at home. She loved liver and onions too. Her hands always smelled like onions and every time I chop onions, the smell on my hands makes me think of her. She drank Miller Lite and smoked Virginia Slims. She bowled, she played cards - she taught me to play crazy 8's and we played every chance we got! She had a birthmark or a burn scar on her hand that looked like a poodle - I liked to sit on her lap and trace it with my finger - she'd bark to scare me. She did take cosmetology classes but, hated to cut the kid across the street's hair cuz it was greasy and gross - though she did it for extra money. She had a cute little turned up button nose and a giggle of a laugh. She used to make puppets with her hands named Ralph and Malph to keep me entertained in the car so I didn't drive my dad bonkers. We'd lock my brother out of the bathroom and yell to him "M-U-D spells Dave, D-A-V-E spells Mud" over and over. We'd sing "U-G-L-Y you ain't got no alibi. You UGLY, yeah, yeah, you ugly" and 'howl' at all the right times to Warren Zevon's Werewolves of London.We were dorks and it was fun.

We all spent a long time after Valerie died, thinking we'd come home one day and she'd be there. Waiting for us. We'd round the corner and her blue Chevette would be parked on the street in front of our house like it always had been. Like this was some kind of cruel mistake. Edna didn't go back to work for a month. Rumors went around town that we were suing the truck driver that Valerie hit. I think the insurance must have hired an investigator to look over the evidence. The truck diver quit his job. He couldn't drive again. Eventually, for us, life went on, kind of. Edna wouldn't let me out of her sight most of the time. A friend finally told her that she couldn't protect me forever. She did let up, though I don't think she was ever 'right' again.

25 years. Still seems like yesterday. I was the last person to see my sister Valerie alive. It's a strange feeling to have carried for so long. Sometimes, I feel sad that I don't remember more, that maybe I should have woken up my mom to make her stay. That I should have done something. Sometimes I wonder what God was thinking by putting that on 10 year-old shoulders. I like to think Valerie is here, that I have a special guardian angel watching over me. I like to think that she is my instincts, my eyes, my ears. Actually, this psychic I once knew said that Valerie does watch over me. Eternally my big sister. I'll always miss her. I'll always remember this day, I'll always love her and I'll always remember her.