I think we're just weird

We're on vacation this week. Our April vacation means two days at home while Jacob is in day- care, catching up on all the things we can't get done with him at home. One day taking storm windows down and putting screens up, my annual garage sale, our anniversary, and this year, another trip to Manistee.

Jeremy and I don't celebrate birthdays or our anniversary every year. In the summer, we typically buy something big that we've wanted and say "Happy Birthday to us!"

This morning, in our hotel room in Manistee, I go in for my morning pee and while I'm in there, I holler "Hey Jeremy, Happy Anniversary!" He says, "oh yeah, Happy Anniversary!"

We'll head out for our complimentary hotel breakfast soon and Jeremy and Jacob will make their way to the pool for one more 'fwim'. Then we're off to visit Edna. We did spend yesterday at the beach with Aunt Karen and her dog Louie (boy, was I wishing for that Nikon D60 SLR!). Lake Michigan was beautiful and blue! I took a bunch of pictures and I'll post some soon. We go home tonight for the garage sale tomorrow.

7 years we've been married as of today. We're not celebrating with a big dinner and a baby-sitter. We're simply spending some time together enjoying our visit here and quality time with Jay. Maybe it's weird that we don't celebrate but, maybe we just are.

Friday before Furlough

Next week is my week off - without pay. My company's plan to save some jobs this year. I'm not angry or upset about it. I think I'd rather have a week off all at once than to have shortened work weeks or work days. I can claim unemployment for my week off, and I will. It's really not a big deal. Jeremy has a couple days off and since we still pay day-care anyway, Jacob will be with Elaine for a couple of days giving me ALONE time! WOW!

I need to finish everything I have to have done at work before I leave this afternoon. I know, and I'm sitting here, blogging. I just need to do a brain dump before I jump in to this mess I've created for myself.

Actually, I'm not sure what will be more difficult, cleaning off my desk, completing my long list of projects at home for the week, or giving up my stinky, dirty, bad habit...again. I'll just procrastinate a while longer - maybe I'll find the answer.

I probably won't be out here next week but, I'll think of you while I'm cleaning my oven, going 2 days without water while my upstairs bathroom gets new plumbing, finishing the decor in Jacob's room, organizing my office/crap room, raking my yard - I sure hope it's warm, and organizing photos. I'm also hoping that if I keep busy enough, I won't have time to focus on 'quitting'.

Yes, if you haven't figured it out, I am a smoker. Now wait a minute, relax - I don't smoke in the house or in our cars and typically not until Jacob is asleep and I'm not like a pack a day kind of smoker. I'm maybe a 5 cigarette a day smoker. I've quit before. I quit for a whole year - and went back. What a dummy! It's time to quit again. It's the biggest waste of money - it really is! And I don't want to do it any more. It's just yucky and dirty and gross and stinky and yucky.

Wish me...I don't know what. Strength, determination, luck...something! I'll keep you posted on my progress! (no pun intended)

On the horizon

I don't like to make resolutions. To me, it's like making promises I know I'm going to break. I did tell myself that I wanted to make more changes in myself for 2009. I want to make better relationships with my family - excluding Edna (and that's a different post). I want to work on maintaining/improving relationships with friends. I want to do these things wholeheartedly with no reservations.

In the past few months, I've made a connection with 3 of my closest friends from high school, 2 of my sisters, an Aunt, a good friend I'd made through a past (as opposed to current-duh!) boyfriend, my friend I've had the longest, a co-worker who took a leap of faith, and even an old crush! I've also made 2 new friends. I made 2 new friends! Wow! Look at me coming out of my shell!

I'm learning things about myself that I didn't know I had. I'm learning to enjoy people for who they are instead of looking for who I want them to be. I've found generosity and compassion in myself. I, for once, don't care about what I'm getting back - I'm just enjoying what I'm putting in.

I like what this new outlook has given to me. Sure - I still have some work to do but I can see what is on the horizon - and the view is fantastic.

Censorship

We all have these blogs now. We post our little blips that we think everyone wants to hear. We post news about our little families, little trips here and there, and our pictures of happy moments. We get excited as we find out more and more people are reading our happy little events. We send the links to our blogs out to everyone we know and we watch our blogrolls grow and grow. It's all fun and happiness - for most.

I have enjoyed having a blog. I've always tried to write from my heart and be honest with myself. I've shared my happy moments, my holidays, my photos, and I've shared some not so happy moments. I've shared the worst day of my life.

As time goes on, more people read, more people comment, I find myself holding back. I find that some people, though meaning well, don't comprehend the hurt that sometimes lies within a post and they say stupid shit. I find that some people try to read between the lines and look for hidden meanings within a post and they say stupid shit. I find myself being scared to write - again.

When I was living in my mother's house, there was no such thing as privacy. It was Edna's house and Edna had access to all. I liked to write when I was younger. Her house was not a home with praise or encouragement or pride in us kids. My writing was never encouraged. My writing was something Edna feared. She feared that I would 'lie' and she would look bad. As a result, every written word in Edna's house was taken and read by her. I started a story once, Edna found it while I was at school, she took it, and she read it. She screamed at me for hours but kept my papers. I found them again after moving back home in my early twenties. She wrote all over the pages with a red pen, making editor marks. She wrote in the margins - 'lies", "never happened", etc. I took those pages and I burned them upstairs in the bathroom sink. I never wrote again until I started this blog.

I hesitate to post a lot more than I used to. I hesitate to offend people. I fear that Edna will again find and banish my words. I'm afraid to come across as a sympathy seeker. Or an Ugh, she's posting about that again. Well folks - that's all about to change!

All that said...This is my blog. I don't force you to read it. From here on out, I am going to say what I have to say (no, I'm not going to do anything that's just plain mean about anyone -except maybe Edna). Talk about what I want to talk about. I don't care how you feel anymore. If you feel the need to call my mother and read to her from this blog, just remember there will be a special little corner in hell reserved just for you. From now on, I will talk about things as they meet my needs. I will probably repeat myself. I may even contradict myself a time or two but I'm done feeling censored. I'm in control of what I write - You are in control of what you read!