I posted on Facebook often in the days/months after Jeremy's death as I knew, even then that I'd want to remember the events and how I felt. I wasn't sure at that time how I'd use them, I just knew I wanted to document them in some way.
The first few months were - I don't know a word harder than hard. It hurt to breathe. I'm pretty sure I was on autopilot. Wake up, kid to school, work, get a kid from school, sleep and repeat. I'm not sure what else was in there besides cry, cry, and cry some more. My friends and my family tried so hard to help and they did but, until you have experienced the loss of a spouse, there is no measure. I have lost siblings, I have lost parents and grandparents - I pray to not lose my child as that could be the only thing worse. The grief is the same - it was the loss they weren't understanding. They didn't see what I now had to face all alone. Anyway, everyone tried hard but, when the day was done, it was still me, my hurt and God.
I did what I knew. I cried and I prayed. I prayed as hard as I cried and I cried as hard as I prayed. I fell asleep crying. I fell asleep praying. I prayed to heal. I prayed for deals - just send him back and I'll go back to church...anything. Yeah. My eyes felt like sandpaper. I cried more and I prayed more.
I knew I needed some help. I didn't know where to look. Talk therapy is a great and wonderful thing. It truly is and I'm not above it. Finding a good therapist is hard. And...sometimes, talk therapy isn't it, isn't enough. Especially when you're me...and you can hear or speak with those from the other side. Finding a therapist adds another dimension - literally! Here I am, I need help, my normal channels aren't working as I'm clogged with a dead husband, my last talk therapist was a $600 waste, and I don't have insurance!
A local hospice was offering a grief support group on their website, and I was really excited to meet. I called the office to confirm the meeting. "Yep. 6:00PM. Tonight." I got there, with my little notebook and my favorite pen. I was so ready to meet people who know what it was like to be a widow, like me! I was early. I was the only car in the parking lot. I waited. I waited. 10 minutes after it was supposed to start and I was still the only car. 20 minutes...still just me. Oh, the tears! I couldn't believe no one showed.
I sobbed. All the way home.
That was one year ago, today. Since then, the local funeral home where Jeremy's service was held has started a grief support group. I went to the first meeting. I am grateful to Pastor Ronnie for starting the group. I hope the next widows passing through attend and find the support they need. I think, for me, the time has passed when I needed the most support. I find now, the best support is in the women who have survived widowhood past me - 2 years, 3 years...those who have given love another chance, those who have chased after a dream, those who have kept on without crying every spare moment that are enjoying life with a smile on their faces. The ones who are involved in their families, their communities and are committed to making the best of their time. I can't do the so sad grieving by so many all at once. It's too much for me and my empathetic heart to take.
This week's group was partnered with a local pregnancy support group on infant/pregnancy loss. I'm pretty well past all that. Like 17 years past...
As for me, and the grief group? It's still too early to tell. Depending on the topic, I'd go back. I struggle with the folks that seem comfortable in their grief. The ones that are a few years in and still can't seem to move forward. Losing Jeremy hit me hard. Knocked me down a few pegs. I can't stay in my grief though. I have to get back up. I have to go at life again. It might take me a few tries but, I can't stay down.
I have my family and friends that check up/check in and I am braver at calling someone when I need help. I'm not shy anymore. And all of them are great at answering.
I did find a wonderful talk therapist who helped through many issues with my in-laws, Jacob, work, addiction questions, - she was pre-cancer. I also worked with an intuitive healer post-cancer who was AMAZING! She helped clear up my momma issues and a bunch of childhood trauma I was carrying. I still have both their numbers! I also have an OUTSTANDING PCP that is primarily concerned about my mental health, as well as an oncology team who is well aware of my situation and keeps tabs with my PCP to make sure I'm getting the best care all around. It takes a village, y'all!
And now? I'm enjoying my year and a half with Jacob still in school. I enjoy supporting him in the fire department. I am enjoying working part time and spending as much time as I can with my family and friends. I am still working through "widow brain" and trying to pick up old hobbies - I'd love to get back to making blankets for Project Linus again. Every day I'm healing and moving forward. I'm hoping the more time passes, the faster the healing.
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