It's a slow day...

The Christmas tree is down and ready to be put back in the attic. Almost all of the evidence has been removed - except for the vast amount of new toys scattered everywhere!

Today, I'm working on reclaiming my home. Reorganizing my decorations, wrappings, boxes, etc. We've been sorting toys and building our yard sale pile in the basement (which flooded again from them huge melt and the rain).

We had a very good Christmas. Christmas Eve, Jeremy, Jacob, and I opened our gifts to each other and played with toys. Santa came and left a huge train table. We spent Christmas Day with Brammie and Bampa, Jeremy's sisters and their families. We did have a great time! It was good to have everyone together.

Friday afternoon, Jeremy, Jacob and I went down to Bronson for Larry's visitation. It was good to see Larry's family, my sister and her kids too. Jacob blew kisses to "Bampa Larry" and told him goodbye. I cried. Jacob was aiming for old lady ankles with his trucks and hitting his targets. Thankfully, he's cute and they got a kick out of him while we made him apologize. Jacob saw an Amish buggy with a horse in the parking lot and after staring like completely rude asses (and I know better than that too!), we shopped our way home.

Saturday morning, Jeremy and I set off in the pea soup thick fog, for the teeny-tiny town of Burr Oak to go to Larry's funeral. I did okay at keeping myself together. I had a few moments. I had only brought an handkerchief with me and my nose was full from crying and I didn't want to blow my nose in the hanky. Of course, that brought me to more tears. My big brother saved the day! After the dinner, I talked to Larry's daughter, Corinne, and she said to me, "It was good to look back behind me and see so many Elenbaases here." You don't get all of us together very often, and even to have 4 out of the 5 is really good. Again, we shopped our way home. And, I do have to say - A peppermint twist mocha, from Starbucks, is divine after a long day, and only church lady coffee!

We're all pretty sure that Larry and my dad have spent some time catching up and have been playing cards since joining each other again. I like to think that's true. I like to think they've found my sister too. There will always be a very special place in my heart for Larry. To say he was a wonderful man, does not say enough. I can never explain in words what Larry meant to my family (Edna excluded). My only hope, is to grow up one day, to be as good of a friend, as Larry was to my father.

Freedom for Christmas

Christmas.

I love Christmas. I love picking presents for Jacob, for Jeremy and most of the people on my list. I love church on Christmas Eve -especially in my old church at home. I love Christmas dinner. I love the happy faces when you give a gift that's just perfect. I love wrapping presents. I love the good memories I do have. Decorating the house with my sisters and brother, a real Christmas tree and the ornaments we had as kids, baking cookies with my sisters. I miss Christmas dinner at Karen's with Grandma Dor. I miss my dad. I miss listening to the old Time Life 8-tracks he had and he'd sing those carols to me like he was still in the church choir. I miss my dad sitting quietly in his chair just watching with his smile, beaming with pride. I really miss my dad! I love the new memories Jeremy and I make with Jacob. I love all the squeals of delight from the little kids - past and present. I love leaving cookies and cocoa for Santa and reading the Night before Christmas. It's not about perfection, it's completely from my heart.

Christmas.

I hate Christmas. I hate the greedy, it's never enough, whining rants from Edna. I hate the memories of Christmas with her crying because we didn't get her the gifts she thought we should. I hate that she calls to bitch about every. Single. Gift. She gets. I hate when she tells me about all of the wonderful things she did for us for Christmas and how ungrateful her children are. I hate the memories of wrapping my own Christmas gifts from her. I hate her lectures about being a Christian and what Christmas is about. I hate hard, cut-out cookies with sugar icing that she made us bake. I hate that after Valerie was killed, she never wanted another Christmas tree (either I fought for it or I bought it). I hated that I had to spend Christmas Eve or morning at the neighbor's house watching them open their gifts, intruding on their family time - while Edna worked. Worse - the Christmas that she got in a huge fight with my dad, and the police came and took me away. I remember opening a stocking at the house where I stayed, and being told the one I had opened, wasn't for me.

I told my mother that Jacob and I were coming up home on the 26th & 27th. She said to me, "I hope you don't stay long, I have laundry to do, I have to take my car in, I have to go the Doctor, etc." Wow, Mom! It'll be great to see you too! Merry Christmas!

I've been telling myself that I need to keep in touch with her. For myself. For my own guilt. I'm not sure what's worse - my guilt or her. I'm the mushy one. I'm the sentimental one. I'm the one who always feels bad in the end for walking away from her. I'm the one who keeps coming back trying to make some type of relationship with her. I'm always the one who's hurt. So, my Christmas gift to myself this year is Freedom.

Freedom from guilt. Freedom from the meanness. Freedom from the pity. Freedom from her broken promises. Freedom from the hold she seems to think her money has. Freedom from the effort and freedom from the responsibility. Freedom from hurt. Freedom from ghosts. Freedom from the shitty memories Edna created. Freedom from my mother.

It's been a difficult year for all of us on some level. I'd like to say that next year will be better. My friends have lost people who are special to them this year, others are waiting to for someone special to give up their fight. Some of us have lost children and barely knew we were pregnant, and some are eagerly awaiting the birth of their first child in just a few short weeks (and so am I). Some have lost jobs, some are looking for new ones, and some are holding like hell to the ones we have. I wish all of you a little chunk of Freedom for Christmas. Freedom to laugh until you cry. Freedom to cry yourself to sleep. Freedom to feel the way you need to feel to get through what you need to get through. Mostly, I hope through it all, you can have a Merry Christmas with your families and enjoy what you do have right there in front of you.

Merry Christmas!

Updates, Updates, Updates...

Are all I have for you today.

I talked to Amber yesterday. No permanent damage done from her fall. She did land on her back/butt/side when she fell. She didn't go by ambulance. She drove herself to the hospital. She's still quite achy and sore. Nevaeh is doing just fine. The Dr. said Amber is measuring for 35 weeks, not 33 (she's 33 weeks pg). Nevaeh's very active - much like her big brother was. Amber has been having contractions for awhile now, even before the fall, and her cervix is getting quite thin. I'm told it won't be much longer before little Nevaeh makes her debut.

Also, I have news on Little Harper - from my Putting in all into Perspective post. "Another bone marrow biopsy was done today. Harper has been placed in a "High Risk" AML category due to the percentage of blasts in his bone marrow. He is going to Ann Arbor tomorrow for a consultation on a bone marrow transplant. Since his sister is not a match a perfect donor will need to be found." We continue to pray for this little guy and his brave, brave fight. He's still in good spirits and will have his first birthday on 12/4. Three days before Jacob.

Planning and preparations are underway for birthday #2, here at Random Thoughts. The paper products have been purchased. The cake is ready to bake, the gifts are wrapped. I just need to get the last food stuffs, thank you notes, and a few party favors. I'm a little nervous to decorate the cake but, what's the worst that could happen? I'd have to scrape off some frosting and start over? I'm trying to convince myself.

I picked up Jacob's 2 year pictures on Monday and started my Christmas cards. The pictures are amazing. He hammed it up as usual. I'll be mailing them soon. I do find it strange though, and you will see when your card arrives. Jacob looked more like Jeremy as a baby but, he looks more and more like an Elenbaas every day. Complete with those stupid dimples! Just like Grandpa Web. I sure wish you were here to see him Dad!

I finished up some more of my Christmas shopping last night. I do have ideas for the rest - which may be the most difficult stage of the battle. Now, I'm left with just having to buy for Jeremy...the worst part. One would think that as his wife, I'd know what he wants or needs. Which I do to some extent, I just don't believe socks and underwear to be sufficient Christmas gifts. I'll figure something out, I always do.