Writer's Cramp???

I think I had a bout of writer's cramp. I'd start to write, then I'd say to myself, "Self, what are you writing that shit for?". I'd delete it all and go do something else. I feel like writing today. It might still be shit but, I have to start again somewhere.

It's been hectic for us, that hasn't changed.

Jacob decided to out grow every item of clothing overnight. Jeremy had dressed him one morning and when I looked at Jacob, his sleeves were too short and I could see the outline of his belly button through the shirt. I informed Daddy, when shirts look like that, they're too small. I went out and bought a bunch of new shirts and pants last week - 4T. Luckily, I did manage to find a few great deals (like waffle weave henley shirts and dress pants for $2.50!) to restock him through Spring. I had to get some new summer stuff too and exchange some I had just bought. I thought my 3T bottoms would take me through summer and I was wrong. I did take a giant tote of clothing to the consignment store and I have another tote full and ready to go again! I did score a bunch of 5T jammies for $3.50 a pair while I was dropping off. Of course, I stocked up! Can someone please explain to me why kid's pajamas are so FREAKING expensive!?!

Jacob and I both went to the dentist this month. His first trip! He did pretty well. One of the Doctors has an affection for trains. There is a train that runs up toward the ceiling, around the waiting room, through a tunnel into the exam area, around and back again. They also have a fish tank with all the fish from Finding Nemo - Nemo, Dory, Jacques, Peach, and Gurgle. Like I said, he did pretty well, until he had to get in the chair for the Dr. to look at his teeth. He screamed. Like the Dr. said - If he's screaming, his mouth is open and he can't bite me. Good point. Jacob's teeth are good, we're brushing well and keeping them clean. See you next year. Actually, there is a little concern over an overbite, believed to be caused by the cleft palate but, he said we'd wait to see what happens with the permanent teeth. My appointment was uneventful - "perfect teeth, as always". I had cinnamon polish and they gave me a red toothbrush - as if you really cared.

I also managed to get our taxes done earlier this year. There's a certain sense of accomplishment having finished them in mid-February. We're eagerly anticipating our refund, actually I think Jacob is more than Jeremy or I. You see, we need a new vacuum. Mine broke. The dumb little thing on the bottom that adjusts for the height of the surface to be vacuumed, it broke off (not to mention this damn vacuum has like 5 filters and they need to be cleaned every 5 minutes to get any decent sort of suction). Every time I get out the vacuum, Jacob says, "Vacuum boken. Need a new one. A red vacuum." and he says this with a Sullivan nod. Yes, my speech delayed child does say 'vacuum'. So, by Jacob's special request, we are getting a new red vacuum. Try to contain your excitement, please.

Jacob's speech and OT are both going very well. Both therapists are very happy with the progress he is making though they would both like for him to talk more during the visits - funny he won't ever be quiet at home. We have handouts with practice words to work with at home and we're doing just that.

Jacob's SPD is still in full swing. The tags in shirts don't cause as much of a wig as they used to. He'll point out that a shirt has a tag before we put it on him. We always say "it's okay, Mommy/Daddy will fix it, promise" and that's enough for him. He doesn't like to wear jeans or khakis. He prefers "sweats" - don't we all? He still checks his toes every night for fuzz - and he has to check each foot 3 times before he's satisfied. We've had a new battle though. I REFUSE to take his socks off. He's 3! If he wants his socks off, he can do it his own self but, he cries "mommy do it!". Did I say that I refuse to take his socks off for him? He's now resorted to throwing himself on the floor while screaming and crying because I won't take his socks off. It's a great show! I'm still not touching those socks! He is eating new foods and is somewhat willing to try new things - he ate tuna casserole for the babysitter! Did I ever tell you, I HATE cooked tuna fish? We're recognizing more and more often what is SPD and what isn't while trying to stay sane!

I had mentioned a while ago about talking to and meeting Jacob's birth father's parents but I don't think I said that we had. The three of us took a trip over and spent a few hours with them. Have you ever met someone and just know that you were supposed to meet them? We were supposed to meet them! Grandma and I just clicked. I think, I could talk to that woman for hours on end and enjoy every minute - oh wait, I have! Jacob really enjoyed them too. He's been asking for "Bramma and Brampa Fif". I can't tell you how happy I am (or how happy they are) to have them in our lives. I truly look forward to seeing where this relationship takes us. They were so good with Jacob, so patient in letting him warm up. Boy, did Jacob reward them! He had hugs and kisses when we left, and all down the driveway "Bye Brampa, Bye Bramma!". We need to see them again soon. Maybe once both of our houses are done having colds...

Work is going better for me. I have a lot more direction. I've mastered some of my new tasks. I'm still a little unsure of expectations and my internet time is rather limited, I am to a point where I can function rather than just stew in confusion. I have been very busy learning and doing. I've had to dig out a few old hats I had buried in my closet that I haven't worn in a while and I'm relearning what each hat does. The main thing is that I'm doing it and I'm feeling better about it. I still hurt for those who have been forced to move on and it's hard to be the one left behind too.

Speaking of being the one left behind - I guess that's part of why I haven't felt like talking. When you're left behind, the things you once talked to these people about, the things you shared so freely, now are guarded as they're not here everyday anymore. Those people, though you still like them as much as before, they're not part of this atmosphere anymore. You're afraid to disclose too much or to be misunderstood. It's safer to close up. You always just hope they understand while you let them grieve. Hopefully, when their grieving is over, they come back.

I hope you enjoyed, maybe enjoyed isn't the right selection here, my word vomit. I have a few Jacob-isms to post and I'll get back to writing some time soon, real soon. I think I'm going to ease back in, ramp up - so I don't hurt myself.

Another Grandma

This post is going to be different than what I may have told you in conversation - it's had a little more time to sink in, and I'm making more sense of it and what she actually said.

Saturday afternoon, Jeremy was getting ready for work, Jacob was napping, and I was getting food together for his birthday party (I'll post about that after I have the pictures uploaded) when my phone rang. The caller ID read "Gordon S* XXX-XXX-XXXX". I thought it was probably a wrong number and just answered.

"Hello? Gail?"

"Yes?"

"Hi. I'm Jacob's bio... adop... grandma... Nancy S*"

"Oh, You're Rob's Mom!'

"Yes, I'm Rob's mom. I've had your phone number for a long time, and I've been wanting to call you but I was afraid. I was afraid you wouldn't talk to me. I didn't know what you'd do."

I talked to her for about an hour. She would like to meet her grandson.

I'm not sure when she found out about Jacob's existence but I do know how. Rob brought pictures of Jacob home to her and she thought they were of Nicholas (Jacob's older full brother), and said, Oh, you had pictures done of Nick, Rob told her no, that's Jacob. Amber gave him up for adoption. My Lord! As a mother, as a Grandmother, could you imagine!?!

We exchanged so much information. She is raising Nicholas. Rob doesn't see him often. It was absolutely wonderful to compare notes with the mom who is raising an identical older version of my Jacob. We talked about what I knew coming into the adoption versus what she was told after the fact. We talked about Rob as a person, as a child and I now have a little window as to what makes my Jacob tick! She told me that Rob had speech issues as a child - which explains why Jacob says some of his words the way he does.

She said I seemed to be a nice person and a good mom. She said she can't wait to meet Jacob and I.

Anyway, the past two Christmases she's sent gifts for Jacob. And, I've wanted an address for them to at least send a 'thank-you' but, Amber wouldn't budge. I knew Rob's mom had to be looking for us and I knew it was only a matter of time before she found us.

Rob's parents and Nick are moving this week. They're moving about 20 minutes away from us. I am going to meet her. I am going to take Jacob to meet her.

I know you're sitting there thinking WTF!?! Maybe you're thinking - man, how many of these people is she going to let into Jacob's life?

Jacob's adoption didn't come with instructions. I wasn't handed an answer book to tell me what to do when a Grandma comes knocking on your door wanting to see her grand baby. I read once that a child should NEVER remember the day they were told they were adopted. I'm trying to make the S* family as much of a part of Jacob's life as I can. I don't want him to feel they abandoned him, or wonder where they were all of his life, or if they loved him. I don't want him to search for those answers. I want him to know! I want him to know that his first mommy couldn't care for him. I want him to know that all of his 'Bammies' love him very much. I want him to know that we love him very much and we would never keep him from his biological family. I want him to know that we encouraged relationships with them.

The most difficult part of making these decisions is Jacob's siblings. Being the youngest of six myself, and even with the age differences, I couldn't imagine knowing my brother and my sisters existed but not knowing where they were or if they knew about me. I hope I'm doing it right.

No more baby talk

Now we have all that baby business out of the way. On to the woes of old house ownership.

I did get our home owner's insurance changed over to the same company that has our auto insurance. Maybe I can save a buck or two.

They're coming to fix our water leak on January 15! Miss-dig was out to the house, we now have a bunch of pretty yellow flags lining our driveway and part of the street. At least we now know where the gas line is! I have to look for some sunshine, somewhere.

We also have to find someone to come and re-line and cap our chimney...again. This liner fills with water every time it rains and now the furnace won't run. Thankfully, it was almost 55 degrees when I left home this morning and Jacob is at Elaine's all day. The schmuck we used to do this the first time won't answer or return our calls. If I ever get ahold of him again...

The fence is falling down, the kitchen light blows a bulb every other week, and the fridge is dripping too. Tell me again - why we bought instead of rented?

She's a cutie!

...as you can see for yourself. She has 10 tiny fingers, 10 long little toes, and a good set of lungs. I did hold her for a bit, she opened her eyes and took a good look at me. She gave me a big yawn and tried to tell me a story. She has a perfect little round head. She's a beautiful little girl. She is jaundice though and on the lights. They're supplementing with formula now to help flush it out. Two of the others were jaundice, and Jacob was a very little too.

She looks almost just like Jacob did but smaller.

Speaking of Jacob...he looked at me a little funny while I held Nevaeh. He pet her head and said "Nice...". Then was off to run the halls with his 1st Daddy. He didn't much want anything to do with a baby. We tried to get him to sit and hold her but, he refused.

Amber is just fine. They had a few small issues with bleeding but they have resolved themselves. They both should be going home today depending on the jaundice level. They were going to let them go last night but got the results of Nevaeh's lab work and found the jaundice level to be too high.

We did have an odd moment - I (yes, me), was speechless. Jacob, Rob, and I were in the hall, and Jacob pointed to Rob and said, "Da!". I was a little shocked. Poor Rob..."I didn't tell him anything!". I didn't correct Jacob. He's right - that's his father. I've been curious as to what Jacob is going to call them. I mean, Nevaeh is his little sister, that's what we call her but, as for his 1st parents, I'm at a loss. I think it's best for Jacob to do what he's comfortable with when he's ready. I did tell Jeremy what happened and he's okay with it. Jacob knows who his Daddy is, he's learning who his father is. We have a lot of talking and a lot of explaining to do in our future, it's not going to be easy. Thankfully, Jacob has four parents to explain it to him. I hope we all do it right...

Welcome Nevaeh Miley!!

Nevaeh Miley was born January 4, 2008 at 12:30 PM. She was 6 lbs. 13 ozs. and 19.5 inches. They were in labor all night. Mom and baby are doing fine. Mom is very tired. Jacob and I will go to see them tomorrow afternoon. I'll post some pics when we get home.

I'm okay. I'm fine. Really, I am. I wasn't sure how I'd feel at this moment but I'm happy for them. I'm not sad or disappointed - not even a little bit. Maybe, just maybe, my infertility wounds have healed more than I thought. I say maybe...there are still those people who can send me into the raging, envious, green-eyed monster of jealousy. I don't like those feelings and I hope someday that part heals too.

Thank you so much for all of your prayers, your concerns, and your kind words. I prayed for God's will, whatever it may be, and for the strength to accept it. That's exactly what I got.

Updates, Updates, Updates...

Are all I have for you today.

I talked to Amber yesterday. No permanent damage done from her fall. She did land on her back/butt/side when she fell. She didn't go by ambulance. She drove herself to the hospital. She's still quite achy and sore. Nevaeh is doing just fine. The Dr. said Amber is measuring for 35 weeks, not 33 (she's 33 weeks pg). Nevaeh's very active - much like her big brother was. Amber has been having contractions for awhile now, even before the fall, and her cervix is getting quite thin. I'm told it won't be much longer before little Nevaeh makes her debut.

Also, I have news on Little Harper - from my Putting in all into Perspective post. "Another bone marrow biopsy was done today. Harper has been placed in a "High Risk" AML category due to the percentage of blasts in his bone marrow. He is going to Ann Arbor tomorrow for a consultation on a bone marrow transplant. Since his sister is not a match a perfect donor will need to be found." We continue to pray for this little guy and his brave, brave fight. He's still in good spirits and will have his first birthday on 12/4. Three days before Jacob.

Planning and preparations are underway for birthday #2, here at Random Thoughts. The paper products have been purchased. The cake is ready to bake, the gifts are wrapped. I just need to get the last food stuffs, thank you notes, and a few party favors. I'm a little nervous to decorate the cake but, what's the worst that could happen? I'd have to scrape off some frosting and start over? I'm trying to convince myself.

I picked up Jacob's 2 year pictures on Monday and started my Christmas cards. The pictures are amazing. He hammed it up as usual. I'll be mailing them soon. I do find it strange though, and you will see when your card arrives. Jacob looked more like Jeremy as a baby but, he looks more and more like an Elenbaas every day. Complete with those stupid dimples! Just like Grandpa Web. I sure wish you were here to see him Dad!

I finished up some more of my Christmas shopping last night. I do have ideas for the rest - which may be the most difficult stage of the battle. Now, I'm left with just having to buy for Jeremy...the worst part. One would think that as his wife, I'd know what he wants or needs. Which I do to some extent, I just don't believe socks and underwear to be sufficient Christmas gifts. I'll figure something out, I always do.

and I talked to her again.

Amber did get a call from her Doctor. The freaky ultrasound technician reported to the Doctor that Amber didn't have enough amniotic fluid. Amber went in to the Doctor for another ultrasound and everything is just fine! He measured the fluid in all four quadrants and there is plenty for the baby to swim around in. No worries. (I've never been pregnant - how do I know this?)

Amber did say she had a 3-D ultrasound done as well and got to see the baby's little nose, hands, and ears. She said the baby is perfect and awfully cute. Hmm!?! If she looks anything like her big brother, I'm sure she's too cute for words.

I've really enjoyed talking to her these past weeks though. It reminds me so much of when she was pregnant with Jacob...She tried to include me in as much as she could - I made her nervous by being nervous. I trusted her completely the whole time, I mean she's his first Mommy, the one other person in the world who loves him as unconditionally as we do. It's a little bittersweet, I guess, being in this spot again, feeling all of this with her again. I'm able to tell Jacob the story of his birth, the story of his adoption, and about his first mommy - I don't regret any part, any moment. I'm glad I can hold his history for him. I sometimes wonder if she's preparing me to be able to do that again.

On an up note, Jacob is finally calling me "Momma"! All this time, I have been "Da", which is what he calls Jeremy. If you ask him, "Where's Momma?", he'll point to me, but, when he calls for me, or looks at pictures, he's always called me "Da". We came home from the sitter's last night and I put him in his carseat, he gave me a kiss and "mmm Momma" is what he said. He said it a few more times last night. This morning, Jeremy went to get him from his crib and we heard him, a few times, a distinct , "Momma!". It's about dang time!

I talked to Amber

Sunday, was my day on the phone. I put Jacob down for a nap just before noon and as I putting him in his bed, the phone rang. It was my mom, whom I hadn't talked to in a little over a month. I talked to her for about 2 hours and Jeremy's mom beeped in on the call waiting. I talked to her for about a half an hour and then Amber beeped in.

Amber is doing okay. She's not as sick as she had been. She and Rob are getting things together for Nevaeh. They bought a bassinet and were looking for some clothes for her.

Amber did go for an ultrasound last week and she said it was really strange. She said the technician wouldn't turn the monitor towards her. She just clicked and took measurements, a few times she turned the monitor toward Amber to show her when Nevaeh would cover her face with her hands (brother Jacob did that a lot too). The technician finished up and told Amber she'd get the results from her Doctor. She said it was unlike any other ultrasound she's had - I guess she'd know. She's supposed to see her Doctor this week and I asked her to let me know what he says. They're saying Nevaeh is small, very small for gestation - which is a normal side effect of the prescription Amber was taking at the time of conception.

I also talked to her a little about the risk with this pregnancy. Amber stayed with us for a couple of months when Jacob was about 6 months old. She had a blood clot in her shoulder, in her leg, and by her heart. She needed in-home care and didn't have a home at the time so we let her stay with us. To reduce the clots and prevent future clots, her Doctor prescribed Coumadin. They don't know what this will do when the baby is delivered as it is a blood thinner making the risk of her bleeding to death after delivery very high, even though she isn't taking it anymore. Coumadin causes great risk to the unborn child, low birth weight, birth defects, spontaneous abortion, and even stillbirth. They highly advise you not to become pregnant while taking Coumadin and advise termination of the pregnancy. As we know, Amber doesn't use birth control - however, the original cause of the blood clots was a birth control patch.

I'm still not sure what road the Lord is steering us down. I'm not sure of the lesson I'm being taught through this. I don't know that I'll ever get an answer. I'm still praying for the will of God. I'm still praying for guidance and for strength. I'm trying to be there for Amber when she needs to talk. All in all, I'm still trying to avoid letting myself want this child while wanting everyone to be okay. I'm not sure what else I can do...

Nothing!

So, what are we going to do?

Nothing!

Nothing but pray.

Pray for...what? I don't even know!

I know, I know...I asked all of you to pray for us, for Amber, and for her kids and then, I say I don't know what we're all praying for!

We have decided. We're not buying anything, we're not calling our attorney, and we're not making any preparations. We're not doing anything differently until we know something has happened to Amber. That said, please don't buy us anything and please don't save anything for us. We don't want anything around our house that will get our hopes up. It's best for us this way.

I really do know what we're all praying for. We're simply praying for God's will and the strength to accept it - whatever it may be. I do want this little girl, I'm not going to lie to you. God knows the truth in my heart. As much as I do want her, I don't want her to lose her mother. I'm learning, as a mother, it's never about what I may want or what I may need, it's always about what's best for my child, his needs, and the will of the Lord above. Nothing, nothing more.

Questions, doubts, fears, they're all here.

I realized this morning that I never told you, we did tell Amber yes, we would take her daughter. Being a mom to one of her sons already, and just being a mom overall, I couldn't tell her anything else. Jeremy and I had made the decision too regarding Jacob and already have asked the same question of someone we know, love, and trust immensely to care for Jacob in the event something happens to both of us. It's a difficult question to ask someone - "If we die, would you raise and love my child?". Someday, I may have to ask these same people again to take on his sister too but, I'm still certain we made the right choice, I hope they'd say yes too.

It's been a rough night. It was hard to leave my sweet boy this morning. Such a big boy, eating his breakfast, not any idea of the unrest around him. I wanted to stay home and talk to Jeremy about this so he could hold me while I cry. I'm not even sure why I want to cry but, I do. I guess in some ways, I feel a little guilty for even wanting this child. It seems so unfair, that God could bring us another gift, that costs someone else their life.

There are so many variables here. Do we prepare for another child? I just sold everything at my garage sale! Do we buy anything for her? Do we tell our bosses at work? Do we call our attorney? Can we afford this? Do I call my mom? I haven't talked to her in a month. Will she think I just want money if I do? If? If? If? Where? What? How?

Then again, God provided when Jacob was born. Jeremy is advancing at work which will put a little more cash in our pockets, there is a rumor of some reorganization in my department, which may put me a little higher and maybe I can work more from home. Our attorney can't do anything for us until after Nevaeh is born. Nevaeh will become Rob's daughter, he will have sole custody. He can legally place her in our custody through our attorney, which is also his attorney, and we can proceed with an adoption same as we did with Jacob. Rob's insurance will cover her until we have a legal placement, then ours will kick in. A few things we found out through Jacob's adoption.

Jeremy and I always thought, "People who can't afford to have kids, shouldn't have kids...they should give them to us!" Now, here we are wondering if we really believe that statement. We're leaning towards, "If you wait, until you can afford to have kids...you'll never have them!"

I'm trying not to get ahead of myself, not to worry myself sick, and not to make any plans. I'm full of questions, doubt, and fears. It's hard but, I'm trying.

Nevaeh = Heaven, spelled backwards

Tonight, I came home after another mind boggling day in the quarry to my adorable son who was in a helluva mood. He was up before 6AM, took about an hour nap, and went to the baby sitter's where he played outside, inside, and got himself even more tired than he already was. We were home for about an hour and had already had a few battles when our telephone rang.

Amber, Jacob's first mommy, as we call her now, was calling to check in on Jacob as she does every couple of weeks, and to ask us a very important question. You see, Jacob's first mommy is pregnant again with Jacob's little sister. She was advised not to have any more children after Jacob - he and his older brother put too much strain on her body to handle another pregnancy. This pregnancy isn't going very well. She is due the first week of January but they are concerned Nevaeh (baby sister) isn't growing as she should be (ultrasound on Monday to measure) and are planning to take her around Christmas. The point of my little story here...Amber called to ask us, if she didn't make it through the delivery, yes, she could very well die, if Jeremy and I would take Nevaeh, if she makes it without Amber. Amber's husband, who is Jacob's first daddy, agreed that he can't care for this baby girl himself and if she can't be with him, he wants her to be raised with her brother, and he didn't know anyone better than us to take Nevaeh. Thanks Rob, for the best compliment I have ever received in the worst possible situation.

Jeremy and I decided a while back, that life is pretty good. We have a nice home, good jobs, and an absolutely, amazing and wonderful little boy. God has been good to us. The faith I lost during our term of infertility has been restored in every peek at my sleeping child. God gave us that gift. God and only God brought him to us. Jeremy and I strongly feel, if we were to have another child, God and only God would give us that child too. I never imagined it could come to us again in this heartbreaking situation.

It's real. It's serious. It's pretty bad. It is very likely Amber won't make it. She's trying to get her things, her children in order if she doesn't. Amber couldn't give up another child. She couldn't bear that pain again. She had to go through with this. She'd rather die, than give up another child.

I pray, with all that I am and all that I have for my son to always have his first mommy in his life. I pray with all of my might, that this woman, who gave me her and my biggest treasure in life, lives to care for her children. I will pray she stays on this earth to explain with me, to our little boy, how she loved him so much that she had to give him to us for a better life than she could give to him.

Please, if you're reading this, pray for Amber and all of her children. Sure, she hasn't made all of the best decisions in her life. Sure, she hasn't done everything right. Some don't think very highly of her. I'm guilty of that too. Some say, "How could she give her child away?" What did she do that was so bad? She gave her child a home, a home with 2 parents who know there isn't anything better anywhere in this world than that little boy, a home with a huge family that loves him. After all, she did choose us!