I realized this morning that I never told you, we did tell Amber yes, we would take her daughter. Being a mom to one of her sons already, and just being a mom overall, I couldn't tell her anything else. Jeremy and I had made the decision too regarding Jacob and already have asked the same question of someone we know, love, and trust immensely to care for Jacob in the event something happens to both of us. It's a difficult question to ask someone - "If we die, would you raise and love my child?". Someday, I may have to ask these same people again to take on his sister too but, I'm still certain we made the right choice, I hope they'd say yes too.
It's been a rough night. It was hard to leave my sweet boy this morning. Such a big boy, eating his breakfast, not any idea of the unrest around him. I wanted to stay home and talk to Jeremy about this so he could hold me while I cry. I'm not even sure why I want to cry but, I do. I guess in some ways, I feel a little guilty for even wanting this child. It seems so unfair, that God could bring us another gift, that costs someone else their life.
There are so many variables here. Do we prepare for another child? I just sold everything at my garage sale! Do we buy anything for her? Do we tell our bosses at work? Do we call our attorney? Can we afford this? Do I call my mom? I haven't talked to her in a month. Will she think I just want money if I do? If? If? If? Where? What? How?
Then again, God provided when Jacob was born. Jeremy is advancing at work which will put a little more cash in our pockets, there is a rumor of some reorganization in my department, which may put me a little higher and maybe I can work more from home. Our attorney can't do anything for us until after Nevaeh is born. Nevaeh will become Rob's daughter, he will have sole custody. He can legally place her in our custody through our attorney, which is also his attorney, and we can proceed with an adoption same as we did with Jacob. Rob's insurance will cover her until we have a legal placement, then ours will kick in. A few things we found out through Jacob's adoption.
Jeremy and I always thought, "People who can't afford to have kids, shouldn't have kids...they should give them to us!" Now, here we are wondering if we really believe that statement. We're leaning towards, "If you wait, until you can afford to have kids...you'll never have them!"
I'm trying not to get ahead of myself, not to worry myself sick, and not to make any plans. I'm full of questions, doubt, and fears. It's hard but, I'm trying.
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