...from Christmas

I wanted to share Jacob's new quilt that his Aunt Cindy made for him. I knew it was in the working and when we came home from Jeremy's parents on Christmas it was here. The red squares have farm animals and the sounds they make on them. It's adorable, warm, and Jacob loves it - so does his momma - the big sap, she cried.

We did have a very nice Christmas this year. Our first experience cooking a prime rib was successful and we will do that again. Jacob was into Christmas a lot more this year than last. He tore into every gift. I'm not sure there was anything overly exciting - ah...except for the Diego Lil' Quad which is now on the back porch for a little bit. It's really an outside toy. I don't know what Santa was thinking...

Responsibility? That's for grown ups...

I've been off of work almost all week and I sure am glad I didn't go up home. Time went by fast enough as it was!

Amber called last night. She is 99% thinned and having contractions. The Dr. told her yesterday, "it looks like we'll have a baby either tonight or tomorrow". I spoke to her this morning, and she did spend most of the night in the hospital. They sent her home about 9:30 AM for lack of progress. She was told to go back when her contractions were 3-5 minutes apart. Rob gets out of work at 4:00 and she's hoping she can wait until he gets there. Jacob and I are waiting...impatiently. Yes, she's going to call me when she goes back to the hospital. Yes, we're leaving when she calls. No, I'm not emotionally ready for this. Could I be?

Amber did give me a beautiful "in the event of my death letter" when we saw her. She wrote down things like how glad she was to have met us, and that Jacob has us. Also, some things she wanted to tell him. I couldn't help but cry. She's so happy with the choice she made in our family. I do want to say that I am so proud of my family and my friends for loving Jacob so much and all of the wonderful things you do for him and with him. I want you all to know how proud I am to have you. Thank you!

Jeremy and I went in and signed our wills yesterday. Having watched Amber go through this mess...again, shed a lot of light on some things we needed to accomplish. 2 years ago, I never gave thought to what would happen if I died. Sure, I designated beneficiaries on my 401K and life insurance. I never had to worry about care or support of anyone else. To sit in that little office and decide who gets what and when, who takes care of everything when I'm no longer here. And the most important worry, who's going to love my child - we, thankfully made that decision long ago - now it's easier for that person in the event of our death. Yeah, that's a lot to decide in a half hour. Our attorney did also make provisions in our will should we decide to adopt again, so we won't have to change it should Amber's daughter come home with us.

You know how when you bite your cheek, it swells, and every time you eat something, you keep biting that same spot? This whole thing with Jacob's hearing/speech is a lot like that. Now we know there is a problem, we're noticing so much more and remembering more from before. He does hear, it's more like...imagine yourself under water and someone is talking to you, you know they are talking but it's muffled and you can't quite understand them. To you, that's normal so you begin to associate those muffled sounds with objects and when you want that object, you repeat the muffled sound that you heard because that's all you have ever heard. It's kind of sad, huh? This is a pretty good article about ear tubes though and explains what will be happening here at Random thoughts in a month or so. We've never had an ear infection but this fluid was there at Jacob's 18 month check-up. Our Dr. doesn't think it's going to go away, nor does he know that 2 of Jacob's 4 siblings have had tubes.

The Dept. of Water and Sewer was here this AM to check out Lake Harper. Of course, "We're not responsible for anything from the shutoff to the house." they said. Oh, the water is coming in next to our main which is inside the house. So, the plumber comes on January 2 and his estimate, without looking is between $1500 and $2000. Hooray!

Lastly, when did freaking toilet seats get so dang expensive? Of course, we can't just lose one, we have to lose 2! One broke, and the other was such heavy particle board I was afraid Jacob would lose a finger plus, we all know what happens when particle board gets wet...ick!

If you haven't noticed, for us, when it rains - yeah, it pours and it seems like it's always raining. We hope to see you back again soon...bring your umbrella!

Making the appointments

We received the paperwork from the therapists for Jacob's evaluation...again. It said we would receive a phone call in about 10 days for them to make the appointment to come to the house. I imagine we'll hear back from them after the New Year.

We're going through Early On (again), they are a part of the Intermediate School District and I have been told many times over how wonderful they are. We first met them when Jacob was about 6 months old. They came to evaluate him then as our previous pediatrician had "some concerns". They were even more wonderful than everyone said. I, to be completely honest, I'm looking forward to having them come over again. The tests they do, it's awesome to watch your child do them and to see what he really does know. He blew through that first evaluation...by the way - her "concerns" were invalid and he actually scored into 2 categories above his age!

I also called and made the follow-up appointment with Jacob's pediatrician (we've changed from the Dr. referenced above...wonder why?) regarding the fluid in his ears. We go back on January 22. The Dr. will then make his decision and we'll know whether we're putting tubes in or not.

Jacob has been saying a few more words since his check-up. He was telling the girls at day-care yesterday to "come-on!". I have noticed though, that when he does talk, he sounds much like a hearing impaired child. Daddy is "Da", horsey is "sey", piggy is "gy", sit is "see". He says a few other things but sounds very nasal-ly when he does. Then again -he has said other things as clear as day - only one time though and won't repeat them. Like "Grandpa", "sit down", "car deal", and "drink".

I know I haven't been much help to his speaking thus far. I tend to talk fast without enunciating. I'm not blaming myself - it's just a fact is all. I know he's just turned 2. I know there isn't a drop dead date of when he's supposed to do what, and I know all kids are different. I'm not scared, I'm not worried, I'm not upset, I am a little concerned but, I know Jacob isn't deaf, or mentally impaired. I also know that a little coaching, a little therapy never hurt anyone. I'm learning that the fluid thing and the slowness to speak is actually quite common in kids and we'll all be fine. I just want to do what's best for my kid.

5 to go...

5 more days until Christmas break. If you couldn't tell, I am really looking forward to Christmas break this year. 11 days at home with Jacob - 4 of which Jeremy will be home too. I'm staying home this year, for the first time, in a long time. I typically go up home for at least a few days. It's not that I don't want to go home, with Jeremy's schedule, it just doesn't work as well this year.

We have about 6-8 inches of beautiful snow! I love the first big snow. When you look out and it's all smooth and sparkly, where no one has walked yet. A giant blanket of white covering everything.

Jacob and I went outside to play while Daddy shoveled the driveway. Our neighbors plowed the sidewalk from our house up to theirs so we walked a little bit and then took the sled the other way. We made it around the curve before the sled tipped over and I dumped Jacob in the snow. Of course, in his coat, snow pants, boots, etc. it's a little tough to get up. We got righted and headed for home. I had to stop and adjust the rope on the sled...made for short people...and then Daddy took over. Poor Jacob, Daddy took about 2 steps and dumped Jacob on his face in the snow! At that point, playtime was over! Jacob and Mommy went for the house. The poor kid, he didn't want to go in...but he was all wet - snow down his jacket, in his hat, up his mittens - ugh! We made it into the house, Jacob is crying, crying, and I put him down to wrestle off my boots, and he slipped on the linoleum in his wet boots and fell flat on his front on the floor. Poor kid! Funny thing...he didn't want to go back out anymore!?!

I ordered a prime rib today from the butcher. I've never made one before. Jeremy and I have, in the past typically spent Christmas Eve as "our time". We have a nice meal, open our gifts from each other, and before Jacob - went to church. We're going to cook our prime rib, we'll see what the little boy does with it and we'll open our gifts after he goes to bed. I'm really looking forward to this time together. Wish me luck on the rib!

The party's over...

Jacob had a great birthday party. Miss Jennifer, Grandma-Grandma, Grandpa, Grandma, Aunt Liz, Natalie, Alex and Zoe, Aunt Anita, Sloane and Bobby, Uncle Dave, Aunt Jen and Brooke, Aunt Karen and Uncle Mike were all here. We had a lot of fun with everyone! It was good to see them all too!

We had a Lightning McQueen party. I tried to decorate a cake myself and had to buy one from the grocery store at 10:30 the night before.

Jacob had his 2 year check-up on Friday. His pediatrician is recommending another evaluation from Early On. Jacob isn't talking enough. He should be using some sentences by now and is barely using full words. I wasn't surprised, I was expecting the Dr. to say just that. All of Jacob's biological siblings have gone through speech therapy - we knew it was coming. I called the therapists today, they are sending out the paperwork and they should be here in about 10 days to do the evaluation.

Also, at the check-up, the Dr. found some fluid in Jacob's ears - just fluid...no signs of infection. This may be contributing to the speech delay. Jacob goes back for a recheck in about 6 weeks. If the fluid is still present, we will open discussion to have tubes put in his ears. Again, 2 of his biological siblings have tubes in their ears - not a surprise to have Jacob need them.

We also have affectionately named the water in our basement, it's now known as Lake Harper. We're not sure if it's just seepage from the rains or if we have a leak where the main comes into the house. Nothing appears to be wet on or around the pipes but the floor sure is wet! We'll see if we get a $100 water bill.

Happy 2nd Birthday Jacob!!

Beautiful boy,

Two years ago today, you came into our lives in such a big hurry. You didn't even wait for the Doctor to deliver you - the nurse, she barely caught you! You're still in a big hurry, growing so fast, and learning so much. Sometimes I wish you'd slow down, so I can enjoy each stage just a little longer. I hope you have a wonderful birthday, full of happiness and everything a little boy could want.

Your birthday will always be one of the happiest days of my life. You were the most beautiful baby, and I will always remember every moment of how you came to be my little boy. I will tell you your story as many times as you want to hear it - over and over. It's my favorite story to tell.

Da and I are so proud of you, Jacob and how smart you are. You surprise us every day with the things you know, do, and say. We cherish every moment we have with you. We love reading to you, doing puzzles, coloring, even watching cars go by. I will always be grateful to Rob and Amber for giving us the best gift your Da and I have ever received...You!

Your First Mommy and First Daddy are always thinking of you. Today, more than usual. They do love you very much and hope you'll understand why they had to give you a better life than they could give you at the time.

You are a very lucky boy! You have a lot of people who love you - very much.

Happy Birthday, Sweetheart!

A Birthday

It’s my child’s birthday
He just went dashing by
His eyes are sparkling with the excitement meant only for today.
Presents, kisses, hugs, cake, ice cream
It all seems so natural.
It’s a day of looking back and looking forward.

It’s my child’s birthday
But there is something different happening inside me.
This should be a day of complete joy
A day for Thanksgiving
But in the midst of all this excitement
I pause, because my thoughts are about someone else for a time.

It’s my child’s birthday
I have no memories of his life growing inside me and fighting to be released.
Another someone was there
Another someone suffered for my joy.

It’s my child’s birthday
But someone, somewhere, is feeling emptiness inside.
I’m sure she is wondering
Who does he look like?
Is he big or small?
Wondering if he laughs much.

It’s my child’s birthday
And in the midst of this blessed day that was given to me
I have a prayer

Oh God, that I may never forget that someone suffered so much to give life to my child. That someone loved my child, so very much that she gave him the right to live. May I never forget that moment and especially now, today, to offer a prayer of thanks for that someone and that you, dear God will always be there for her to help her through the hurts she will have when she stops to think,

“It’s my child’s birthday.”

Thank you Amber and Rob, with our whole hearts, we thank you.

What was your favorite Christmas ornament?

I was visiting the blog of a friend of a friend today and she was telling of a favorite ornament she had as a child. It sparked my curiosity...

My favorite, was my Holly Hobbie ornament. A big, white one with the satin strings and a plastic sheath over it with a picture of Holly Hobbie on both sides. My sister, Valerie had one to match but with the red Holly Hobbie girl...don't know her name. I believe my sister Gloria gave them to us. She always gave us an ornament at Christmas.

I too, have raided my mom's ornaments. I have most of mine from when I was a kid. I have both my Holly Hobbie and Valerie's as well as a few others that make me smile - from my nephew, Chris mostly. I know my brother has his collection of drummer boys from my mom's house too.

I'm interested to know, readers and please leave a comment - What was your favorite Christmas ornament? Do you still have it? Did you raid your mom's ornaments?

Go crazy folks! Go Crazy!

I was having such a hard time figuring out what to do for Jeremy for Christmas this year. We've been together for almost 7 years. I've never had a problem thinking of gifts for him. St. Louis Cardinals stuff, Denver Broncos stuff, clothes, slippers, books, movies, and baseball cards...examples of gifts past. I asked my friends, my co-workers - even my boss for suggestions. My boss did have one good suggestion though - sure to be a hit, thanks, that really helped. My friend, Jen, said, "Don't worry, it'll come to you." She was right. I was sitting here this morning, doing I don't remember what and "Ding, Ding, DING"!! I had the perfect idea. Something Jeremy has been asking for, hinting about, saying he wanted for as long as we've lived together. I did it! I got it! Honey, I promise, you'll LOVE it! I hope it gets here in time...

I'm the biggest pest when it comes to Christmas. Just like a little kid. All the pretty presents under the tree. It drives me absolutely crazy, when there's one for me from Jeremy and I don't know what's in it. Gifts from Jeremy only have this effect. Anyway, last weekend, he put a gift under the tree for me. I rearranged gifts under there last night and gave it a good shake. It didn't make any noise. Seems to be rather soft and sponge-like. It has the feel of clothes...

Honestly though, my greatest joy on Christmas is knowing that you have the perfect gift for someone, and having it confirmed when you see their face after they open their gift. It warms my heart when that magic happens. I think this might be one year when that happens a lot.

Happy Birthday Big Brother!

Thanks, for being the best big brother that a little sister could ever have!

Just remember though - no matter how old we get...you're still older!

Happy 43!

Updates, Updates, Updates...

Are all I have for you today.

I talked to Amber yesterday. No permanent damage done from her fall. She did land on her back/butt/side when she fell. She didn't go by ambulance. She drove herself to the hospital. She's still quite achy and sore. Nevaeh is doing just fine. The Dr. said Amber is measuring for 35 weeks, not 33 (she's 33 weeks pg). Nevaeh's very active - much like her big brother was. Amber has been having contractions for awhile now, even before the fall, and her cervix is getting quite thin. I'm told it won't be much longer before little Nevaeh makes her debut.

Also, I have news on Little Harper - from my Putting in all into Perspective post. "Another bone marrow biopsy was done today. Harper has been placed in a "High Risk" AML category due to the percentage of blasts in his bone marrow. He is going to Ann Arbor tomorrow for a consultation on a bone marrow transplant. Since his sister is not a match a perfect donor will need to be found." We continue to pray for this little guy and his brave, brave fight. He's still in good spirits and will have his first birthday on 12/4. Three days before Jacob.

Planning and preparations are underway for birthday #2, here at Random Thoughts. The paper products have been purchased. The cake is ready to bake, the gifts are wrapped. I just need to get the last food stuffs, thank you notes, and a few party favors. I'm a little nervous to decorate the cake but, what's the worst that could happen? I'd have to scrape off some frosting and start over? I'm trying to convince myself.

I picked up Jacob's 2 year pictures on Monday and started my Christmas cards. The pictures are amazing. He hammed it up as usual. I'll be mailing them soon. I do find it strange though, and you will see when your card arrives. Jacob looked more like Jeremy as a baby but, he looks more and more like an Elenbaas every day. Complete with those stupid dimples! Just like Grandpa Web. I sure wish you were here to see him Dad!

I finished up some more of my Christmas shopping last night. I do have ideas for the rest - which may be the most difficult stage of the battle. Now, I'm left with just having to buy for Jeremy...the worst part. One would think that as his wife, I'd know what he wants or needs. Which I do to some extent, I just don't believe socks and underwear to be sufficient Christmas gifts. I'll figure something out, I always do.

FYI: Diego Update

I was talking to Aunt Jen today about Jacob's Diego fetish. Aunt Jen, bless her heart, the one who truly understands my planning and perfection OCDs. We were a little concerned over duplication of Diego items. I told her I would post as to what I know is coming in regards to Diego and what he already has.

Adventure Diego Doll - It's not a pillow.
Rescue Pack - with baby jaguar
Race Through the Rainforest book with sounds
Tree frog rescue mini book with sounds
Diego dishes, silverware and an insulated cup
Diego toddler bedding
Diego Lil' Quad Power wheels
Diego Puzzles
Diego Lunchbox

If anyone can find a Diego coloring book - go for it! I'm also looking for a Diego backpack - no wheels, not a suitcase.

I'm not saying this is what you have to do. Everyone knows how much he loves Diego and there's a lot going on for his birthday and Christmas - I don't want anyone to do a duplicate and feel bad.

Thanks !!

You can't fault the kid...

For those of you who have children, you all know the joy and humor they can bring - usually without trying. Two times in the last few days were prime, hilarious, examples.

Grandma and Grandpa had come over for Thanksgiving dinner. After we had all dispersed for conversation and relaxation, Jacob had decided that Grandpa wasn't going to get to rest(nothing new, when do grand kids ever let grandparents relax). Well, Grandpa and Jacob had gone into the kitchen for a drink or something. Now for those who know Grandpa, he sometimes has a little difficulty walking after sitting down for a while(so does Daddy). Here comes Grandpa walking from the kitchen to the living room, with Jacob right behind him. Grandpa was walking hunched over and kind of waddling from side to side, Jacob was right behind him, mocking his every move. Grandma and Momma saw this and thought it was hilarious, Daddy and Grandpa however missed it. So a little later I asked Jacob, "How does Grandpa walk?" There went Jacob across the living room floor all hunched over and waddling just like Grandpa had earlier. That had to be one of the funniest things I had ever seen. Of course, he will show us again every once in a while, but not when the camera is rolling.

The next was last night. We were going through "Where is Jacob's nose? Where is Daddy's nose?" and so on. We got to "Where is Jacob's hair?" he patted and rubbed his head right on top. So, Momma just has to ask "Jacob, where is Daddy's hair?". After looking at me a little puzzled, he looked at the top of my head, looked back at Momma in confusion, Jacob reached out and started rubbing and patting the side of my head. I can't fault him, as you can tell by the picture there really isn't much on top.

He was only pointing out the obvious.

Foreshadowing?

The other day, Jacob took his Winnie the Pooh ride-on airplane and threw it down our basement steps. Jeremy said to me, "You just wait, next time it goes down the stairs, he'll be riding it!" After enlightening me with that little pearl of wisdom, Jeremy went on to tell me of his escapades sliding down the stairs in a laundry basket. I came home to see this picture. I know Jacob's a boy and I know he's gonna do some dumb stuff that I, for the life of me will never comprehend but - that's just plain crazy talk!

Now, there were six of us growing up in that big, old, green house in Manistee. I know I went down those creaky, shiny, wooden stairs head first, feet first, on my back, on my face, and with my head in a hamper of someone else's dirty laundry (thanks Val). My sister Karen was giving me a piggy back ride once and we broke one of the steps, it's still broken to this day - I fell on it in again in high school and gashed my knee open on one of the square nails. It's been a long time since I've fallen down those stairs in my mother's house but, I still remember that pain you get in your butt, the one where you aren't quite sure if you're laughing or crying. Why in the hell, would you want to go down the stairs in a freaking laundry basket?

I also talked to Amber yesterday. Jacob and I were supposed to go and visit with her. She called to cancel our visit. She had fallen down the stairs at her house. She has a 50 lb. pumpkin on her porch from Halloween, and it's rotting - she can't move it. She slipped in the goo, skipped the stairs and landed in the driveway. She spent Thanksgiving in the hospital on the Labor and Delivery floor, hooked up to the fetal monitors. She had some blood in her urine which has cleared up. They did an ultrasound on the baby and she's just fine. They discharged them and Amber's very sore and very tired but, she is okay. We're going to try again next weekend. She's supposed to have that baby real, real soon.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Faith and Love,
A beautiful child, (and the woman who gave him to us!)
A wonderful husband,
3 sisters, a brother, my mom, Jeremy's mom, Jeremy's dad, Jeremy's sisters, my sister-in-law, brother-in-laws, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents,
Memories of my father and my sister no longer with us,
Good friends,
Good health,
Good food,
A warm home,
A soft blanket,
Employment,
A quarter in my pocket,
Reliable transportation,

These are the things I'm thankful for and that I cherish, not only today but, everyday.

"Sons of bitches! Bumpuses! "

"The heavenly aroma still hung in the house. But it was gone, all gone! No turkey! No turkey sandwiches! No turkey salad! No turkey gravy! Turkey Hash! Turkey a la King! Or gallons of turkey soup! Gone, ALL GONE!"

Yeah, well, I found it... or at least our dog did. In our neighbors backyard. I think the Bumpuses must live over there. Every time I let that dog out, damn if he doesn't run straight to the neighbors house and eat some shit-ass-rotten thing they threw out in the backyard. Either that or he eats the shit from their rabbits as they just let it pile on the ground under the hutch. I won't even tell you what he does once he gets back home!

I've been asked hundreds of times how we can stand living next door to that...dump. Frankly, we can't. We've filed numerous complaints with our local police. The Bumpuses clean it up for a few days to avoid the fine but it never stays that way. I look out there now, there's an old stove, jack o'lanterns that are black and rotten on the stoop. The pumpkin seeds littered all over the porch. I count six boxes with crap hanging out of them, five storage totes (empty, partially, and full), four dead hanging plants, three garbage bags, two gas cans, an over the door shoe rack, - pop cans, bottles, and kids toys strewn all in the mix. And a partridge in a pear tree.

Deck the Halls with boughs of horry ra ra ra ra ra, ra ra ra ra.

Chop Suey Palace Owner: No, no, not 'ra ra ra ra', 'la la la la'! Try again.
Waiter #1, Waiter #2, Waiter #3: Deck the halls with boughs of horry, ra ra ra ra ra, ra ra ra ra.
Chop Suey Palace Owner: No, no! Sing something else.
Waiter #1, Waiter #2, Waiter #3: Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Oh what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sreigh

It's not even Thanksgiving yet and I'm pretty well set for Christmas. What a good feeling!

We went last night and had Jacob's Christmas/Birthday pictures done. The Ham did pretty well for being almost 2. We got a lot of great shots. He is too cute for words! They turned out very well and will be here in time for his birthday party.

I've put a good dent in my Christmas shopping too.

Natalie, Alex, and Zoe are done. Jacob has been started. I've bought a few things, here and there. I know the other things I want to buy. I still have Lynze and Brooke but, I do know what Brooke is getting and I think Lynze will enjoy the very same thing!

I have a few things picked out for my mom. Everybody says she's the hardest but, I think for me, she's my easiest - after Jacob.

I haven't even begun shopping for Jeremy. Jeremy is always my most difficult to buy for. He never wants anything. He never asks for anything. How boring!

I've also made a big dent in preparations for Jacob's birthday. We're almost ready for that too. I finished the decorations today. I have my food all planned out. I still have to get the colors to do the cake though. We'll see how this goes...that's a lot of stars.

It's this time of year when I'm really glad I'm a planner. I don't know how I would make it through the month if I wasn't. I guess, if I wasn't, I probably wouldn't feel the need to make everything perfect either.

I'm looking forward to this holiday season. Jacob will be bigger than last year and he'll be more fun than last year too. Next year, I'm sure will be better yet. I'm looking forward to watching the classic Christmas movies with him as he gets older and making our own traditions - my favorite - 24 hours of A Christmas Story - I can't wait!

Score 1 for Jacob's mom...

eBAY - 9
Jacob's mom - 1

Today, I have declared myself anti-eBAY, in response to being outbid on everything Go Diego Go! I bid on yesterday. I realize that's the premise of the whole online auction thing but it's just so freaking frustrating. I drove myself to the local JoAnn Fabrics over lunch today. Talk about meant to be, I wanted 3 yards of Diego fabric - 3 yards is exactly what was left on the boldt - of coveted, green, flannel, Diego fabric. I paid my $20 and I'll make those sheets my-dang-self! I can sew. It can't be that hard to make sheets...

Can it?...Mooooom!?!?!

I can't say they didn't warn me...

I think it was Christmas 2005, Jacob's first Christmas, when my brother-in-law, Mike warned me this was going to happen.

He didn't use these exact words but it was something to the effect of enjoy it while you can, soon will come the long lines, and running from store to store for the one toy your kid has to have.

And here we are! Just like he said.

It's over a month before Christmas. Jacob is psyched over Go Diego Go! I'm trying to locate a Go Diego Go! Lil' Quad and an inflatable bed. Kmart, had the Quad on sale the last 2 weeks. Do you think I could get one? Oh, no! I even sent my mom to check her Kmart. I did get a rain check though. The guy who gave it to me was encouraging "They might come in again before Christmas but, I doubt it." At least he was honest. The bed, is at JCPenney for almost $40! I refuse to pay that much for a glorified sleeping bag. They did have it on sale for $27 each...if you purchase 2. Why the devil would I want 2 of them? My refusal took me to eBAY. I've already lost one, now there isn't another to bid on. Those Scheisters! I should just do the $27 sale thing and put the other one on eBAY.

Jacob is also transitioning to a toddler bed very soon. I saw a Go Diego Go! bedding set on clearance at Target two weeks ago. $35 down to $17.50. Did I buy it? Hell no! "We're going to skip the toddler bed thing and go right to the twin bed.", I said. Then I went and decided that the toddler bed would be easier for him to transition to. Now, do you think I can find that same bedding set. Uh, the answer would be "NO!". Let alone nowhere near that price! I've been outbid on eBAY, of course. Then, I remembered that I can sew and I can sew crib sheets (which are the same as toddler sheets)! I made Jacob's to match his room, in which I also made his curtains, bumper pads, etc. My new idea and I went on the search for Go Diego Go! fabric. I'll fix 'em! I'll make 'em myself! Do you think I can find fabric anywhere but on eBAY? Uh, the answer would be "NO!".

Jeremy and I have a vacation day coming up to go Christmas shopping. We're going store to store to wait in long lines to buy our kid all the things that every other parent is buying. I'm sure it'll all be worth it to see my son's smiling face on Christmas...that is, unless I'm still in line at Wal*Mart!

Putting it all into perspective...

I'd been feeling a little sentimental lately. Jacob is getting to be such a big boy. He feeds himself, walks, he's starting to talk more. I feel terribly guilty that I didn't enjoy as much as I think I should have. I wish I would have been home more, taken more pictures, documented more milestones, bought a video camera. I didn't expect he'd be my only shot at this mommy gig.

I know Jeremy and I were incredibly blessed to have been given such a great kid, to be given this experience that even a green stained tushie couldn't change (it came out in his bath, by the way). I thank God above so many times a day, when Jacob waves bye to me in the morning, when he blows me kisses, when he laughs, and even sometimes when he cries. I know I should be thankful for what I do have, and I really, truly am. I couldn't love Jacob more if he were my biological child.

We've given up on conceiving a child. We haven't been taking preventative measures for years. What's the point? I haven't given up hope, I haven't given up the dream. I guess, I've given up on the pain. How many miscarriages is your body, your heart, or your mind meant to endure? It's not like riding a bike, you don't get used to it, it doesn't get easier. It doesn't hurt less. Every loss feels like another failure. I've stopped telling Jeremy when they happen. I can't face the disappointment in his eyes anymore. He's such a great dad. I want to give him a child, I really do. I can't. All this time - that's what still hurts the most.

I look back to the year or two before Jacob was born. I can't even look back fondly. It was horrible. I look at the drugs I took, the tests we endured, the amount of blood I gave, the money we spent, and all the fights we had. Wasted...all of it wasted. I can't believe we didn't get divorced. It was that bad! I would have divorced me. I can't even imagine what it would have been like to bring a child into the mess our marriage was in at that time. I look at Jeremy and I now, we're so much stronger together. We have fun together. We've grown so much together, we talk so much, we don't fight - not like that anyway - we still argue but, I like us...now.

I talked to my friend Jeannie the other night - had to share the green tushie story - and her great-nephew (now, I feel really old!) is in the hospital receiving Chemo treatments for Leukemia. Little Harper (coincidence) is 11 months old! This beautiful child is fighting this horrible disease. Who do I think I am, feeling sorry for myself? I think I've missed out? His mommy could miss his first birthday, or seeing him walk, wave bye, and blow kisses. In my book, that's way worse than anything I can't have. There's something about a seriously hurt or ill child that puts everything into perspective - quick-like. Thankfully, Harper is fighting with all he's got - I've seen some pictures, as we say in this family - "if you didn't know, you wouldn't know!" I pray that his mommy doesn't miss a thing.

She didn't know it but, Jeannie made me think how blessed I really am. Blessed to have a healthy, beautiful boy. Blessed to have a strong, healthy marriage. Blessed to have a family that I love, that loves me. Blessed to have great friends that I can depend on. I feel guilty to even think of asking God for another gift, he gave me one, it's someone else's turn.

I heard in a movie once, "There's a special God for children...". I believe that! In this world, it's sometimes hard to believe it, but I do. There's always hope. There's hope for little Harper. There's hope that we may conceive a child. No matter what, there's always hope.

Crayons, cough syrup, and a butt stained green!

I'm sure you're wondering how in the heck I'm going to tie these together but, for those who talk to us regularly - you won't be surprised at the connection.

Jacob has been sick for the past 2 days. He has a horrible barking cough and more guck coming out of his nose than I ever thought possible for someone so small. Jacob nor I got much sleep last night and him having a temp. means he can't go to the sitter and Momma has to stay home since Da has to work. Jacob has been very clingy and cuddly these past two days, more than he has in the past two months which is nice most of the time...except when I have to go potty. I've been alternating giving him mucus relief and cough syrup every 4 to 6 hours. Jacob now knows and brings me a bottle of cough syrup as it's due. I hear you other moms gasping...I make sure the lids are tight when I finish with them from the previous dose and as clingy as he's been, he's not out of my sight. When not in use they are put away.

As anyone who cared for a sick child knows, a good case of the runs always accompanies a cold. As per the norm, we had those today as well, however, imagine my shock when I opened the diaper to find his poo was the color of a green Crayola! This kid hasn't hardly eaten in two days...let alone anything that shade of green! I can't wipe this green off either. I'm going over, in my head, everything that has gone into his mouth since yesterday, mac & cheese, chicken & stars, grilled cheese, grape kool-aid, purple and red cough syrup, nope - nothing green. Nothing that makes green either. All the while, I'm wiping at his green tushy and this green, it ain't coming off! Everywhere on his butt that this poo touched is stained Crayola green!

I call Jeremy at work, the girl on the phone says "He's just finishing up his lunch, can I have him call you back?" Rather than tell her to tell him his son's ass is stained Crayola green, I simply say, "Sure." An hour passes, he doesn't call back. I call my mom. Of course, Edna was so helpful "What did you feed him that was green?" Hmmm, thanks Mom, hadn't thought of that! I wait another, oh, 45 minutes and call Jeremy again, he asks how we're doing at home, "Fine, but your son's ass is stained the color of a green crayon!" I tell him. And he says to me...

"Oh, that green crayon he ate the other day finally passed through!"

**So much for washable crayons!

and here he is...Jacob the hobo!

So, after the brown dog incident, we figured a hobo would be pretty easy to pull off and wouldn't involve anything other than regular clothes turned into tatters. He loves to walk the sidewalk and push his little cart so we thought we'd fill that up for him and off we'd go. He, of course, didn't want to to push it now because we wanted him to. We put him in the wagon and he and Daddy left with Jacob crying. They went out for about a half hour and came home. Jacob cried on and off the whole time, threw his candy bucket on the ground, threw all of his candy on the ground and was just plain cranky. Hopefully, next year is better!

I don't wanna be a brown dog, mommy...

is what Jacob would say if he could.

I got a fantastic deal on an adorable brown dog costume for Jacob. It's furry enough to keep him warm, yet has plenty of vent holes to keep from being too warm, has a curly little tail and droopy ears. In typical two year old fashion, he HATES it! Loathes, despises, detests, screams and cries if he has to even look at this costume! I tried to put it on him and he screamed and flailed before I could even zip it up. So, I took it off of him, went to the computer, clicked on the freecycle.com link and posted it "OFFER: 2T brown dog Halloween costume". The brown dog went to another little boy who's Daddy is now home from Iraq and his mommy got an even better deal than I did-free. Hopefully, this little boy wants to be a brown dog!

After the brown dog trauma/drama, Jeremy and are were left to "so, now what's he gonna be?"...and hmm, so are you!

See you Wednesday!

To the pumpkin patch

This is from last year's trip to Gene the Pumpkin Man.







And this is from this year.

(Daddy was checking out the power lines over the pumpkin patch - he didn't know about the hum they make)


Same pumpkin, bigger kid.

We took our 2nd annual trip to see Gene the Pumpkin Man today. This link takes you to a little story about how he got started as the The Pumpkin Man. http://www.vegetablegrowersnews.com/pages/arts.php?ns=112). This was his 50 year anniversary in the pumpkin business. He's nothing fancy but everything is orange. The only difference from last year was the addition of "50 years" stickers on anything that didn't move. You drive into his driveway, up the hill and park on his lawn. When you get out of your vehicle, you pick your orange wagon or orange wheelbarrow and proceed to roam through this man's front and back yard which is sectioned in groups of pumpkins. You pick your pumpkins and put them in your wagon. He also sells, squash, gourds, straw, Indian corn, honey, and even corn stalks. Once you have made your selections, you pull your orange wagon to the man wearing an orange flannel shirt with an orange cowboy hat, who is sitting on an orange milk can with an orange tractor seat welded onto it, you give him your money in exchange for the contents of your wagon, he laughs and jokes with you a little bit and warmly thanks you for coming.

Like I said, it's nothing fancy, I guess it's the small town girl inside, wanting to help out the little man. As we were walking back to the car, with Jacob in tow, crying "I want", he wanted to go in the big pumpkin again, I couldn't help but think about the Gene the Pumpkin Man and the little business he had here and I felt a little sad as I wondered how many more years I would have before this tradition ends, maybe we should go back to the big pumpkin one more time.

You asked for it

Some of us are early birds when it comes to shopping and I have been asked a few times about Jacob's interests as his birthday and Christmas are coming soon. I'm not soliciting, begging, requiring, demanding, manipulating, or any other malicious description you can think of me, I'm simply telling you what he's into, what he has, and giving some ideas should you need them...because I've been asked!

• Go Diego Go! - We got him the My Talking Rescue Pack and Rescue Adventures Diego. He is head-over for Diego.
• Wooden Puzzles (with the knobs on the pcs.) - likes the sound ones, letters, #'s, or colors, would be great
• Board Books - again, he likes the ones that make sounds
• Cars, Trucks, and Airplanes (like a Little People plane) - Please, not metal
• Building Blocks - he likes to stack stuff, he does have Duplos
• Dusty the Vacuum
• He's still in a 2T for clothing - could use 3T sweatshirts though.

Please, ask me if you're not sure about something. I don't want you to have to return or exchange and I promise I won't tell him! Thanks so much, for thinking of him!

Friends VS. Family

Being a friend is to like a person for who they are, even the parts you don't understand. The reasons you like them makes the things you don't understand unimportant. You don't have to understand, or do the same, or live their lives for them. If you truly care for them, then you want them to be who they are; that was why you liked them in the first place.

I'm a person of few true friends. I can probably count them on one hand. Some I see everyday, some it's been months, and one has even been a few years.

It strikes me as odd though - friendship does. Think about it a minute, you meet someone through school, through work, at a bar, from a friend of a friend, and you spend time together, have some laughs, share stories, help each other through hard times - all the friend things. You come to trust this person, you trust them through your smiles, through your tears, through your accomplishments and even through your failures. If you're a good friend, you do the same for them in return. There's nothing tying you to this person, the bond you share can be severed at anytime, yet you come to trust them with your...everything.

I look at my friends and I love them all. They have all taken time for me, thought of me, patiently waited for me to open up and let them in. I think I've done a pretty good job of reciprocating as well - I hope I do. I hope my friends know how thankful I am to have them.

I'm thankful for my family too. Family - the people you are tied to for your whole life. No matter what, you can't change the biology. You can't escape them, it's not a choice. I don't know my family very well. Result of being a "whoops" - the child born after the other kids are grown and leaving. When I was old enough to build relationships, my sisters were building their own families. They didn't/they don't owe me anything. I don't ask for anything in return.

I look at my family and I love them all. I'm sure they wouldn't believe me but, I do. My mom, goofy as she is, she's the only one I've got. My Dad, I miss my Dad, I miss my Dad a lot - I'm sorry I was so young that I couldn't see past his illness to enjoy what I time I had left with him. My sisters, all three of them...each so unique in their abilities, and their talents, their intelligence. My brother, always the advisor, the guidance counselor. My nieces and nephews, that I am so proud of for their accomplishments again as unique as they are. They're my family - couldn't change it...wouldn't change it.

It's odd though that the bond of family which is unbreakable takes the most work to maintain, contains so much anger, hurt, and jealousy, while friendship, which is essentially a choice just comes naturally. Why can't we treat our family as we do our friends? Why is that?

and I talked to her again.

Amber did get a call from her Doctor. The freaky ultrasound technician reported to the Doctor that Amber didn't have enough amniotic fluid. Amber went in to the Doctor for another ultrasound and everything is just fine! He measured the fluid in all four quadrants and there is plenty for the baby to swim around in. No worries. (I've never been pregnant - how do I know this?)

Amber did say she had a 3-D ultrasound done as well and got to see the baby's little nose, hands, and ears. She said the baby is perfect and awfully cute. Hmm!?! If she looks anything like her big brother, I'm sure she's too cute for words.

I've really enjoyed talking to her these past weeks though. It reminds me so much of when she was pregnant with Jacob...She tried to include me in as much as she could - I made her nervous by being nervous. I trusted her completely the whole time, I mean she's his first Mommy, the one other person in the world who loves him as unconditionally as we do. It's a little bittersweet, I guess, being in this spot again, feeling all of this with her again. I'm able to tell Jacob the story of his birth, the story of his adoption, and about his first mommy - I don't regret any part, any moment. I'm glad I can hold his history for him. I sometimes wonder if she's preparing me to be able to do that again.

On an up note, Jacob is finally calling me "Momma"! All this time, I have been "Da", which is what he calls Jeremy. If you ask him, "Where's Momma?", he'll point to me, but, when he calls for me, or looks at pictures, he's always called me "Da". We came home from the sitter's last night and I put him in his carseat, he gave me a kiss and "mmm Momma" is what he said. He said it a few more times last night. This morning, Jeremy went to get him from his crib and we heard him, a few times, a distinct , "Momma!". It's about dang time!

I talked to Amber

Sunday, was my day on the phone. I put Jacob down for a nap just before noon and as I putting him in his bed, the phone rang. It was my mom, whom I hadn't talked to in a little over a month. I talked to her for about 2 hours and Jeremy's mom beeped in on the call waiting. I talked to her for about a half an hour and then Amber beeped in.

Amber is doing okay. She's not as sick as she had been. She and Rob are getting things together for Nevaeh. They bought a bassinet and were looking for some clothes for her.

Amber did go for an ultrasound last week and she said it was really strange. She said the technician wouldn't turn the monitor towards her. She just clicked and took measurements, a few times she turned the monitor toward Amber to show her when Nevaeh would cover her face with her hands (brother Jacob did that a lot too). The technician finished up and told Amber she'd get the results from her Doctor. She said it was unlike any other ultrasound she's had - I guess she'd know. She's supposed to see her Doctor this week and I asked her to let me know what he says. They're saying Nevaeh is small, very small for gestation - which is a normal side effect of the prescription Amber was taking at the time of conception.

I also talked to her a little about the risk with this pregnancy. Amber stayed with us for a couple of months when Jacob was about 6 months old. She had a blood clot in her shoulder, in her leg, and by her heart. She needed in-home care and didn't have a home at the time so we let her stay with us. To reduce the clots and prevent future clots, her Doctor prescribed Coumadin. They don't know what this will do when the baby is delivered as it is a blood thinner making the risk of her bleeding to death after delivery very high, even though she isn't taking it anymore. Coumadin causes great risk to the unborn child, low birth weight, birth defects, spontaneous abortion, and even stillbirth. They highly advise you not to become pregnant while taking Coumadin and advise termination of the pregnancy. As we know, Amber doesn't use birth control - however, the original cause of the blood clots was a birth control patch.

I'm still not sure what road the Lord is steering us down. I'm not sure of the lesson I'm being taught through this. I don't know that I'll ever get an answer. I'm still praying for the will of God. I'm still praying for guidance and for strength. I'm trying to be there for Amber when she needs to talk. All in all, I'm still trying to avoid letting myself want this child while wanting everyone to be okay. I'm not sure what else I can do...

We went North but, not that far North

This weekend went by too fast! Saturday, we headed up to Rivertown Crossings for the afternoon. We paid $5 to rent a car stroller for the little man and we were off to explore. We did pick a good day to go, the temp. on the way home was in the low 90's. Jacob thoroughly enjoyed the stroller which had a little steering wheel for him to spin. He also learned how to drink through a straw on this trip. Jeremy and I stopped for an Orange Julius and of course, had to share with JJ. We had all of the momma and daddy fanfare for learning something new in the middle of the mall. At one point I looked at Jeremy and said, "What dorks we are...all proud cuz our kid can drink from a straw!" We walked the length of the mall and back on both levels before heading back out into the heat.

Jacob has a new obsession with airplanes and he thinks Jeremy and I can make them fly over on command. He has thrown tantrums on the sidewalk after our failure to produce results. After leaving the mall, we decided that security was too tight at the airport in Grand Rapids so we'd try our local airport. Wouldn't you know it, the one day we decide to go up there, not a single airplane, in or out? They did have a very big snowplow though and JJ and daddy gave it the once over. I watched them there, at the airport, and just took my own time to think by myself.

Funny the occasions I think of my father now I'm a parent, now that he's gone - funny the things I thought I had forgotten about him. I remember many afternoons (or after dark to watch them with the lights) heading out, in the green Chevy, to Blacker Airport (it didn't look like that then!!) with my dad to watch a plane take off or land. I don't know how it happened and it amazes me everyday how many things my son loves to do that my dad loved to do. Airplanes, cars, boats, and just watching the river flow. I only hope the kid learns to like the Cardinals, not the Cubs! Sorry, Dad. I don't think I can let you have that one without a fight! There are so so many times, I wish my dad was here with him though. They say one spirit dies so another can be born and either way, I know he's just smiling at his grandson wishing he were here, with him, too.

Somewhere between the mall and the airport, Jeremy and I decided we needed to cook the rack of ribs in our freezer for dinner. We did discuss on the way home from the mall our preferences for ribs. We both like a wet sauce opposed to a dry rub. We both like cooked over flame rather than baked and neither of us like dark, smokey sauce. We also agreed to trying ribs on our trip to St. Louis next year. All the times we have been there, we have never gone for ribs. After the airport, I pulled the ribs from the freezer and pried the frozen meat from the plastic and Styrofoam to get them boiling on the stove. Once Jacob was in bed, Jeremy got them out onto the grill. As much as I hate Jeremy's job and the time he spends away from home, I honestly can say - It is a good thing, to have a husband who can cook steaks to order and knows how to grill up some ribs! They were FAN-freaking-TASTIC! I think it was the quietest meal we've had, no talking -just eating. I fried up some cabbage and boiled some more with milk and butter - just like my mom used to do - and we watched some TV and tried to get the ribs out of our teeth for the rest of the night.

The chaos dwindles for all except Jacob

Jacob: Has entered the terrible two stage. It's terrible. He's throwing things, throwing fits, biting, pulling hair, he won't eat, and is just plain mean these days. You tell him "No!" and he laughes. He's even banging his head on the kitchen floor. Jeremy picked him up from day-care yesterday and asked how Jay behaved - "He was a Brat!", She said. Hmpf! I felt so badly for her. He's also drooling like a faucet making me think he's working on his last set of molars. Don't get me wrong, he still has moments where I see my sweet little boy peek out of this monster child - usually when he's asleep. They tell me 3 is much better than 2. I hope they're right!

Jeremy: Jeremy has a new boss coming up in the next couple of weeks. The previous took a position at a different location. Jeremy did apply to fill her spot however, someone else did too and they have more experience so were given the opportunity. It's okay. Jeremy is still going to advance and will be working to improve his knowledge and experience for future opportunities...as they call them. We are waiting to meet the new boss and welcome him to the west side!

Amber: We haven't heard from her. I haven't called her either. I don't typically call her. I don't want to get too attached -maybe not the right word - but I don't want to change the relationship as I don't want her to think I'm only around wanting this child. I'm assuming that no news is good news but, I will post again when I do hear from her.

Me: I finally had a long awaited meeting with my manager. I had the chance to ask some things and hear some things. I got my little pat on the back, gave him one and feel much better about my job, my position and reporting structure. I really do work for a great boss. We just forget that we need to talk once in a while. Being October, my workload should gradually get lighter until after Christmas when it'll go full force again.

Murray: Poor little dog who seems to be the topic of conversation lately. We are talking of having him take the one way trip to the vet. We know he doesn't see well. He's had some pottie accidents in the house - I don't tolerate that too well. More worrisome though - he's been darting out the door, snarling and growling. He snapped the neighbor girl. He chased after and snipped at a little boy (5 or 6) from down the street - I was there when it happened - not the kids fault at all! We have been a lot more careful not to leave him outside alone anymore. It makes us really nervous when people stop and ask "Can I pet your dog?", especially little kids.

Our little family: Jeremy finally has this Saturday off. It's been a long time coming. So long that we don't know what to do with ourselves. I think we're heading off to the big mall...it's been a long time since we have gone together. Or maybe we'll nix that idea and head north. I imagine the homeland is on fire with color - it's been along time since I've seen that too. North to Sleeping Bear Dunes, Glen Arbor. I guess you'll find out next week.

Nothing!

So, what are we going to do?

Nothing!

Nothing but pray.

Pray for...what? I don't even know!

I know, I know...I asked all of you to pray for us, for Amber, and for her kids and then, I say I don't know what we're all praying for!

We have decided. We're not buying anything, we're not calling our attorney, and we're not making any preparations. We're not doing anything differently until we know something has happened to Amber. That said, please don't buy us anything and please don't save anything for us. We don't want anything around our house that will get our hopes up. It's best for us this way.

I really do know what we're all praying for. We're simply praying for God's will and the strength to accept it - whatever it may be. I do want this little girl, I'm not going to lie to you. God knows the truth in my heart. As much as I do want her, I don't want her to lose her mother. I'm learning, as a mother, it's never about what I may want or what I may need, it's always about what's best for my child, his needs, and the will of the Lord above. Nothing, nothing more.

Questions, doubts, fears, they're all here.

I realized this morning that I never told you, we did tell Amber yes, we would take her daughter. Being a mom to one of her sons already, and just being a mom overall, I couldn't tell her anything else. Jeremy and I had made the decision too regarding Jacob and already have asked the same question of someone we know, love, and trust immensely to care for Jacob in the event something happens to both of us. It's a difficult question to ask someone - "If we die, would you raise and love my child?". Someday, I may have to ask these same people again to take on his sister too but, I'm still certain we made the right choice, I hope they'd say yes too.

It's been a rough night. It was hard to leave my sweet boy this morning. Such a big boy, eating his breakfast, not any idea of the unrest around him. I wanted to stay home and talk to Jeremy about this so he could hold me while I cry. I'm not even sure why I want to cry but, I do. I guess in some ways, I feel a little guilty for even wanting this child. It seems so unfair, that God could bring us another gift, that costs someone else their life.

There are so many variables here. Do we prepare for another child? I just sold everything at my garage sale! Do we buy anything for her? Do we tell our bosses at work? Do we call our attorney? Can we afford this? Do I call my mom? I haven't talked to her in a month. Will she think I just want money if I do? If? If? If? Where? What? How?

Then again, God provided when Jacob was born. Jeremy is advancing at work which will put a little more cash in our pockets, there is a rumor of some reorganization in my department, which may put me a little higher and maybe I can work more from home. Our attorney can't do anything for us until after Nevaeh is born. Nevaeh will become Rob's daughter, he will have sole custody. He can legally place her in our custody through our attorney, which is also his attorney, and we can proceed with an adoption same as we did with Jacob. Rob's insurance will cover her until we have a legal placement, then ours will kick in. A few things we found out through Jacob's adoption.

Jeremy and I always thought, "People who can't afford to have kids, shouldn't have kids...they should give them to us!" Now, here we are wondering if we really believe that statement. We're leaning towards, "If you wait, until you can afford to have kids...you'll never have them!"

I'm trying not to get ahead of myself, not to worry myself sick, and not to make any plans. I'm full of questions, doubt, and fears. It's hard but, I'm trying.

Nevaeh = Heaven, spelled backwards

Tonight, I came home after another mind boggling day in the quarry to my adorable son who was in a helluva mood. He was up before 6AM, took about an hour nap, and went to the baby sitter's where he played outside, inside, and got himself even more tired than he already was. We were home for about an hour and had already had a few battles when our telephone rang.

Amber, Jacob's first mommy, as we call her now, was calling to check in on Jacob as she does every couple of weeks, and to ask us a very important question. You see, Jacob's first mommy is pregnant again with Jacob's little sister. She was advised not to have any more children after Jacob - he and his older brother put too much strain on her body to handle another pregnancy. This pregnancy isn't going very well. She is due the first week of January but they are concerned Nevaeh (baby sister) isn't growing as she should be (ultrasound on Monday to measure) and are planning to take her around Christmas. The point of my little story here...Amber called to ask us, if she didn't make it through the delivery, yes, she could very well die, if Jeremy and I would take Nevaeh, if she makes it without Amber. Amber's husband, who is Jacob's first daddy, agreed that he can't care for this baby girl himself and if she can't be with him, he wants her to be raised with her brother, and he didn't know anyone better than us to take Nevaeh. Thanks Rob, for the best compliment I have ever received in the worst possible situation.

Jeremy and I decided a while back, that life is pretty good. We have a nice home, good jobs, and an absolutely, amazing and wonderful little boy. God has been good to us. The faith I lost during our term of infertility has been restored in every peek at my sleeping child. God gave us that gift. God and only God brought him to us. Jeremy and I strongly feel, if we were to have another child, God and only God would give us that child too. I never imagined it could come to us again in this heartbreaking situation.

It's real. It's serious. It's pretty bad. It is very likely Amber won't make it. She's trying to get her things, her children in order if she doesn't. Amber couldn't give up another child. She couldn't bear that pain again. She had to go through with this. She'd rather die, than give up another child.

I pray, with all that I am and all that I have for my son to always have his first mommy in his life. I pray with all of my might, that this woman, who gave me her and my biggest treasure in life, lives to care for her children. I will pray she stays on this earth to explain with me, to our little boy, how she loved him so much that she had to give him to us for a better life than she could give to him.

Please, if you're reading this, pray for Amber and all of her children. Sure, she hasn't made all of the best decisions in her life. Sure, she hasn't done everything right. Some don't think very highly of her. I'm guilty of that too. Some say, "How could she give her child away?" What did she do that was so bad? She gave her child a home, a home with 2 parents who know there isn't anything better anywhere in this world than that little boy, a home with a huge family that loves him. After all, she did choose us!

Watch out for those pigs!

I left work a little early yesterday. We packed up the wagon, a blanket, sweatshirts, and the camera, into the Explorer and it was off to the County Fair!

We walked through the 4H animals, the horses, the cows, the pigs, and the sheep with Jacob in the wagon. He watched them all intently and babbled some baby jabbering every once in a while. The pig barn however, is pretty close quarters. It was feeding time, and those pigs like to stick their snouts out of their pens and they OINK! Jacob would pull his hands into the wagon and lean way over to the other side of the wagon. We did have an instance of pigs on both sides sniffing for food at this wagon, and little Jacob, he'd just stiffen right up, straight as a board! He never whimpered, and he never cried. We didn't think to get a picture until it was too late and when we went through again the pigs had lost interest. But, boy, his eyes were like saucers. He couldn't look at everything fast enough.

We walked around the fair a little, visited some of the merchant booths. The County Fire Fighters were on hand and we ran into our friend, Shaun who was recently promoted to Deputy Fire Chief and another friend, George (Jeremy played softball with him and both George's son and daughter worked for Jeremy). Jacob got to sit in the big fire truck and "drive". George even let him wear his fire helmet. It almost knocked Jacob over.

Jacob also has learned his first sentence - sort of. He now says "I want". After we left the firefighters, we went to find some fine fair junk food and listened to "I want" over and over after we bought a bag of cinnamon roasted almonds. We finally found him a bag of caramel corn (Jacob had his dinner before we left home! Yes, I'm one of those moms.) to keep him busy while we ate our hot dogs and greasy, fair fries. Jacob started in with "CAR!" over and over so Jeremy took him to watch one of the rides while I packed up. I went to join them and Jacob was dancing to roll-out-the-barrel polka while watching this monster truck ride going around. This kid just loves music and he's got some moves! I'm not sure I like the polka thing though.

We moved on to the deep fried pickle stand and found the hot dog ladies selling their dogs at half as much as the hot dogs we'd just eaten and realized that this might be our last year at the fair without having to buy tickets for the rides and that next year, Jacob would likely be ready for fair food too.

We left the pickle stand with Daddy pulling the wagon, Jacob pushing from behind and Momma, with the pickles, bringing up the tail, heading down the hill and back to the car. My baby turned into a little boy so fast. They tell me he'll enjoy the fair even more next year. Maybe the pigs won't be so bad then.

What a Monday!

It was a great day! Uh, no, not really...

For those of you who don't know, I have about a 30 minute commute to work. I also have a company laptop to allow me to work from home. I have a HUGE, multi-million dollar, project that I've been working on for a few months now and had a vacation day on Friday. Well, vacation days for me, aren't really a vacation. I have to still be accessible by phone or email - at least until this project is over and a new one starts. Well, I brought my computer home last Thursday, where it sat until this morning, when I called Jeremy to meet me somewhere between work and home to bring me my computer. I got to my desk, looked at the riser that holds my laptop, and the laptop wasn't there, nor was the bag, and I remembered - it's at home. I had tried to go in early as I didn't turn in my time when I left on Thursday. Double crap!

I was on my way to meet Jeremy and Jacob and realized I still had a truck full of garage sale stuff that didn't sell to return to a guy from work. By the time he and I changed it all over, Jeremy and Jacob were pulling into the parking lot. Jacob clamped on to me and wouldn't let go. I sent Jeremy to the bank to deposit all of my garage sale monies, and Jacob went to work with Momma for a little while. Of course, he had the run of the joint. With one smile, he pulled one of our chief finance guys out of his meeting to come say hello. My manager gave Jacob some cars to play with and the squeals brought many others over to say "I can't believe how big he's getting! Is that Jacob? Oh, is he cute!"

My corporate credit card numbers were stolen last week. Luckily, they were only able to get about $600 before I caught it. Thankfully, as it has a monthly limit of $50K. I had to call and report that last week, and while I had Jacob in my office, they delivered my new card. Of course, the "I need"s were in full force. And if that wasn't enough...

I've been having some issues with my knee again. I've had problems with it since Jr. high school, on and off. I had serious trouble with it again about the time I met Jeremy. The specialist ordered an MRI and though he found many, tiny tears in both the cartilage and the tendons, there wasn't enough damage to warrant surgery. I did physical therapy for a few months and was measured for arch supports and the pain eventually eased. I had a small, fatty tumor at the time as well, and we agreed to watch it, and see what happens. Well, it grew and I had that tumor - found to be a cyst after removal, removed in early June. Although I'm glad to have the cyst gone, it had nothing to do with the pain I have...again. I, of all things, fell asleep on our love seat about a month ago and it hasn't been right since. I went to a new Doctor (thanks to our new insurance), who prescribed an anti-inflammatory that didn't agree with me. So, I waited about a month, hoping and praying the pain would go away and it hasn't. I went back to the Dr. today. The Doctor ordered an MRI (@ 7AM and an hour drive to the hospital) for next month, as he says to "rule out a tear in the cartilage but, I do think it is torn". So, we have a new plan, we get the MRI, we find out how badly it's torn, then it's back to the specialist I saw five years ago, and possibly arthroscopic surgery to repair the tear(s). I've never had a surgery before - not that this is major, by any means but, I'm still a little scared nonetheless.

Tuesdays are better, right?

It's Fall

Fall is here, well pretty much. Now what does that mean to me. Crunch time for the Cardinals in baseball. In football, the Broncos have just as good a chance of going to the Superbowl as anyone. I'm also in a couple of fantasy football leagues. It's a good time for being a sports fan.

Speaking of fans, I went to the Michigan - Oregon game this past Saturday. Wow, was that embarrasing. Not only the way the Wolverines played, but the way alot of the fans acted. It's unfortunate, but I see it every where I go. I've seen it now in Michigan, Detroit, Chicago, and yes, even my beloved St. Louis. Now, I remember in high school a friend and myself would razz some of the opposing high school hockey players when we would go to the game. But I guarantee one thing, we never swore, and it was usually in good fun. We had even made a sign for one of them and after the last game of the season he asked if he could have it. But what I was hearing coming from our fine upstanding youth was vile and rude. Root for your team, give the other team crap, razz the opposing fans, but you can't take it too far. It's only a game. I can see why there are so many fights in the stands though. And I truly don't believe that the fights are between opposing fans. Because I know I was very close to starting a fight with one of the jackasses sitting behind me, Michigan fans or not. It just disgusts me. Buying a ticket does not give you the right to get drunk and beligerent. Another wonderful thing was the little kids sitting in the stands that had to listen to it all. Well, to any Ducks fans out there, just remember that not every Michigan fan is a Jackass. But we do feel like it after the start of this season.

Welcome to The Big House!

You know Summer is gone when the countdown to kickoff is posted on the U of M website!

Yeah, my Wolverines gave away their first game - I had freebie tickets and I've never been a fair-weather fan - but...I'm glad I gave those tickets away! Yeah, they could still make the Rose Bowl but, the championship is out of the question. Jeremy is going this Saturday to The Big House with my brother and a bunch of guys for the Oregon game. I'm not sure this is really fair as I'm the fan. He only likes our winged helmets cuz I told him he had to! He will be required to sing "Hail to the Victors" at least once for me - and like it! I put the words in so you can practice all the way to Ann Arbor...

Hail! to the victors valiant
Hail! to the conqu'ring heroes
Hail! Hail! to Michigan
the leaders and best

Hail! to the victors valiant
Hail! to the conqu'ring heroes
Hail! Hail! to Michigan,
the champions of the West!

Yes, I'm a little bitter but, I love him anyway and I know he'll have a good time. He's also bringing Jacob his first Michigan hat and sweatshirt back from the game. I'm hoping Uncle David will help pick them out. He's the person responsible for my maize and blue fetish. He gave me my first Michigan sweatshirt. It's only right that he's there for Jacob's too.

It's been a little crazy at our house this past week or so. I've been getting ready for my annual garage sale - washing, cleaning, pricing, and boxing up unused things. Hoping to make a little money to pay for Jeremy's fantasy football season by selling our past one quarter at time. Don't feel guilty, honey...

Jeremy had his fantasy football draft the weekend before Labor Day. It's a bit of a sore subject for me but he enjoys it and it's something do with the guys, so I try to keep quiet...until he joined another league. Seems to me like today's version of Dungeons & Dragons. What a bunch of dorks!

This past Sunday, Jacob and I drove out to Holland State Park to meet my friend Jennifer and her parents (from Garden City) for a picnic on the beach. We had a really good time. Jacob played in the water, and chased seagulls all while thoroughly charming Jen's mom and dad. Jen's dad grew up in Bronson - but doesn't know Larry Hagen.

Jacob has developed an obsession with Disney's Lady and the Tramp. He now stands at the TV demanding "daw-daw!" until you play it. He still loves to go outside and watch the cars go by. I sure wish my dad was here to do that with him, as my dad liked that too. I know he would have been so proud to have that in common with his grandson. I like to think that he's there with us though, beaming with pride from up above.

It's been a good summer, a lot of things we didn't get to do, a lot of things we did do. I'm sure it'll get easier as Jacob gets bigger but, oh well, I like fall better anyway.

Let's Go Blue!

Time

Time. Something so big in such a small word. It's my time to put some thoughts in here.

Where has the time gone? The summer is almost over. Like every summer there seems to be a list of things that we didn't get to, or didn't go do because we always had more time to get it done. It's amazing how fleeting that can be.

It was just last week when I met Gail, it was just yesterday when I held Jacob for the first time. Now, We've been married for over five years, and Jacob is almost two. Wow! I still remember when I was young, all the "old people" would tell me how fast time would go by. I thought they were full of crap. It was 1988, I was a junior in high school. I had a whole year til I graduated, let alone getting to the turn of the century. I was still looking forward to partying like it's 1999. But what happened? Time. I graduated, I got a job. Then time took off. It's so hard to believe how long time is when you are young and how short it is when you get older.

I love my family, I love my life. I just wish there was more time.

Uncertainty - I hate that word!

Uncertainty. We all live with it. Some of us have more than others. I don't like it but, I do know that there is still plenty of uncertainty to come into and remain in our lives. Jacob is growing everyday. I'm uncertain he'll grow into a good man, like his daddy. I hope so but, I'm uncertain. I'm uncertain as to whether we want to try (again) to conceive a biological child or leave the blessing of another child in God's hands, where we put it before Jacob was born. I'm uncertain if I can handle the emotional pain of another miscarriage. Uncertain of a lot of things.

One of us, I can't name which one, as too many of our co-workers read this site, has a job interview this week. It's a step up from the job we have now but, with a different company. It's probably a better paying job, with better benefits, as well as additional benefits. Enter uncertainty...It's a longer commute. It's more hours. It's all new people. It's in a different city. Will it be enough money for the other to quit their job to be home with Jacob, or maybe work part time? Will Jacob spend more time in day-care? What if we get into this job, and we don't like it? So, here we are, under this cloud of uncertainty...again - or is it still? Waiting to make another decision as to the direction our lives are going to take. Completely uncertain of what lies ahead.

Uncertainty. I guess, it's here to stay. Wanted or not. In some way, or so I'm told, all of our questions will be answered...all in due time. I hate that phrase!

Happy Birthday Sister!

Today is my sister Gloria's (she's #3) birthday. This was taken on Mt. Hood in Oregon.

Gloria is my go anywhere, do anything, experience as much as she can, sister. The free-spirit of the bunch. I won't tell you the number but, I will say there is a 15 year difference. She is mom to Erophili, and Jaz(z). They live in Southern Ohio. She is a respiratory therapist at a hospital in Columbus (with all those Ohio State fans, ugh!). She has traveled all over the US. She's lived in Greece. Speaks some Greek. She's been to Rome. Countless other places, I'm sure I don't know them all. She can play the guitar and she sings too!

Gloria gave me most of my adventures. I tagged along with her to Traverse City, Kentucky, Oregon, and Washington. I was with her the first time I ever flew on a plane. I met a lot of great people, Cindy, Lisa, Rea, and my oldest - in time, not age, friend Emily and there are many more.

My favorite memories with Gloria are the times when she'd play her guitar and sing either Mr. Bojangles or Return to Pooh Corner, climbing on the rocks at the end of the 1st Street break wall, and riding the 3 wheel bikes in Oregon - she lost her glasses that time, instead of her keys! Oh, remember the hermit - shoot, that 's all I can remember him by - and I got a bloody nose. Ah, and the fire tower on Mt. Ranier, the blueness of Crater Lake, Haystack Rock, the redwoods, and the ice and snow on the shores of Lake Michigan in the winter...

Thank you for all of the memories, I hope you have a wonderful birthday!

Pictures from July 4

This is our favorite picture from July 4, 2006. My nephew, Chris (Karen's son), the policeman, and Jacob at the fireworks in Manistee. So much excitement, Jacob couldn't take it.

These are all from our trip to Manistee for July 4, 2007.

Yes, JJ is crying. He wanted to walk all by himself but Momma was too scared he'd get too close to the edge. We fought all the way down the pier and all the way back!

The catwalk, pier, and Lake Michigan at Manistee.

with Aunt Karen

Feeding the camel - No, Jay didn't like it.

Matt, the oldest grandson (Cindy's), and Jacob, the youngest.

Jeremy and Jacob on Fifth Avenue beach.

Jeremy, Jacob, and the fountain on River Street in Manistee.

Comments

When I created this, I set it up so you would have to register to comment. I have taken that out. If we get too much junk, I'll put it back. Don't be shy, the comment section is for you to communicate back to us. Thanks to those who have commented and given encouragement to keep this going.

Missaukee County Park, Falmouth, McBain, and the Clam River

This past Saturday, Jeremy, Jacob, and I went to the Elenbaas family reunion at Missaukee County Park, near Cadillac. My brother, David, his wife, Jennifer, and their daughter, Brooke rode up with us.

To my sisters and my brother, those names above are very familiar, I remember little bits here and there. I really enjoy going up there with my brother, he's kept so much of my dad's history, all of the stuff that I missed, being so far behind everyone when dad was sick. David took us to Eble's grocery store in Falmouth, the beef jerky was fantastic, not to mention the savoriness of the aromas coming from their smokehouse out back - and they sell bacon there - by the slab! He took us by the trailer dad's siblings owned, where they'd play cards for what seemed forever. We went past the golf course that an uncle managed for many years. My brother telling about the time he deposited a golf cart into the pond. I too, remember that pond but, by that time we weren't allowed anywhere near a golf cart. We spent many an afternoon fishing golf balls out of that pond. We crossed the Clam River a few times, where dad loved to fish. He knew that river like the back of his hand - except for the time he fell in a hole and was stabbed in the behind with a stick. We passed many of Houston's fields, where dad taught my brother the art of trespassing. Dad was caught on Houston's property so many times, that Mr. Houston once took his boots and my Grandpa Elenbaas had to take dad back to get them from Mr. Houston. We drove by the house where dad lived, the house that Grandpa moved to when he married Grandma Ann in McBain, we drove by the smallest chapel - it might seat 6 (where I dreamed I would marry Jason L.), though the rolling green hills, that smelled like cow pooh. Somehow, this tour never gets old.

Jacob got to swim in Missaukee Lake with his Momma and Daddy, Aunt Jen, cousins, Matt and Brooke, just as I did when I was little, with my own cousins. My Aunt Edith, dad's oldest sister, told us that when they were kids, they went swimming once a year, and when they did, they came to Missaukee Lake. Of course, we forgot the camera but, Jacob had a great time in the water. The first time he didn't cry.

A cousin of my dad's was there from Wisconsin. They took one look at Jacob and said "That one is Wilbur's. He looks so much like Wilbur!" I smiled, tried to hold back tears, and thanked them. Of course, all of the Aunts and Uncles agreed and I heard the same phrase many, many, times, that day. Another chapter in my book - This was Meant to Be.

We saw my Aunt Edith, Uncle Art & Aunt Mae, Uncle Harold & Aunt Pat, Aunt Dorothy, Uncle Ray and Aunt Angie and I hope to see them again next year. I have a picture of all 9 of them together when dad was at Orchard Hill. I'll add it to this post soon (I have some others to share too). I know, as most of them get older and pass on, the tradition of this reunion will end. It makes me sad to know that but, our generation doesn't make the same effort they do. Jacob is the only one of our kids, who won't have met his Grandpa Web but, his momma didn't really know him either. I rely on my big brother (sisters too) to teach my son and I about the Grandpa he never knew and the father I never knew. He got a pretty good start this Saturday and his momma got a pretty good refresher.

Tough

My friend, Jen, told me yesterday, that I wasn't as tough as she had thought, as she'd never seen me cry before. I started thinking about that word...tough. Then I wondered, what it really meant.

Merriam-Webster's dictionary defines tough:

1 a: strong or firm in texture but flexible and not brittle b: not easily chewed
2: glutinous, sticky
3: characterized by severity or uncompromising determination
4: capable of enduring strain, hardship, or severe labor
5: very hard to influence : stubborn
6: difficult to accomplish, resolve, endure, or deal with
7: stubbornly fought
8: unruly, rowdyish
9: marked by absence of softness or sentimentality

I never really thought the word tough was a description of me but, I never looked it up to find the true meaning of the word. I guess in some ways it does describe me. I do have uncompromising determination, I am capable of enduring strain and hardship, I have labored to accomplish myself, and to get to where I am. I am hard to influence, I am stubborn - I have to be (I buy from salespeople - everyday). Sometimes, yes, I'm even hard to deal with. These things are true. I do like "tough" a lot better than some other words I have heard others use describe me in last few weeks. Words like: spoiled, manipulative, selfish, witch, and I'm sure there are many more that I haven't heard. I don't agree that I am marked by a lack of softness or sentimentality though. I won't ever be weak but, I do have a heart, it does hurt, and I do cry, more often then I'll ever show you. Tough, tough is a pretty good description of me. I do prefer words like determined, reserved, guarded, and shielded to describe me but, those words are behaviors that are learned, learned from being tough. Or at least trying to be.