The aftermath...

As we were cleaning up from my party, I kept looking at the cement under the pavilion.  All of these pink, purple, and silver  "40" confetti were all over the ground.  Early in the party, we had some really strong wind that just blew them everywhere.  I felt badly to leave them all over but, there was nothing I could do, I couldn't pick them up one by one.  I kept thinking these little 40's were going to be here for a long time, this park is now a little bit changed because I turned 40...if my little birthday changed this park, what do I need to change in myself?

I've given this a lot of thought and I do have some things I want to work on.  BIG things.

I have a lot of hurt and some anger toward parts of my past, people in my past.  I need to heal those and learn a better way to deal (or not) with those/them going forward.

I need to learn to forgive a lot and to let go of even more.

I have a few walls that need to come down and there are some to be built.

I want to be better.  A better wife, a better mom, a better friend - just all around better.  I think we can always just try to be better at everything in our lives.

To write more.  I don't know if I'll write more here or privately.  Sometimes it's harder to write it knowing it will never be seen.  Kind of a why bother.  I'm kicking around the idea of therapy again to help find the root of myself.  Why I am the way I am.  I might want to write about it...privately...or maybe not. Or maybe.

To practice more with my intuition.  To set aside time for meditation, to pray, to talk to God and listen for his directions and follow them.

This party, though challenging at times to put together, it was really what I needed.  I needed to see that my family - even if I don't always see it or maybe don't believe it - they're here for me and they do love me!  I needed to see I do have friends. Great friends and more friends than I thought I had.  And I do have that friend I can call at 3AM to bury a body.  I do have a sister that I can call and cry to! I do have that, I do!

And in the aftermath, thank you everyone.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.  Those who braved the heat to come to my party, those who talked me out of my pork panics, those who sent a package of fun stuff (that made me laugh) in the mail, the cards, the birthday wishes.  All.  Of.  It.  Thank you.  Thank you for helping me to see that I am loved, that I do have very important people surrounding me.  Thank you.

"Be the change that you wish to see in the world.” ~Mahatma Gandhi