On this date, 40 years ago...

"Congratulations Mrs. E*!  It's a (another) Girl!"

June 21, 1973, at 1:00 PM, not so little Gail Ann E* came into this world screaming, and however you look at it, inside or out, I haven't stopped screaming since.  (According to my mother, I was named after Gail Knott, a friend of hers.  According to my dad, I was named after Gail Swanson, a friend of his.  They both agree I was given my middle name from my Grandma Ann - she was not my dad's mom but, his step-mom.  Grandma Ann was a kind, gentle woman and when my mom laid me in her lap to meet me, she felt my face as she was blind and she cried when they told her my name was Gail Ann, named after her.)

Can you believe I'm freaking 40?  I don't feel 40.  I don't look 40.  Ok - I don't think I look 40.  I was born the youngest child into to a family of 4 sisters, one brother, a 39 year old mother and a 46 year old father with Multiple Sclerosis.  I was born into a total shit storm, I tell you!  My dad was recently diagnosed, my oldest sister leaving for college and 2 more right on her heels.  Dad retired only a year after my birth, and mom had just finished nurse's training.   They were scared, they didn't know what I would be - if I would be "normal" - he was sick, she was older, it was a tense time.  When I was born, I was the cute new puppy that every one loved.  I was little, I was new, I was fun. I was a break from all the seriousness.  I was fun to dress up and play with, to take here and there as the "baby sister".  As I got older, I suddenly had to be watched, cared for, fed, and watered. I wasn't cute and cuddly anymore.  I was growing into this stubborn, determined, spit-fire and I wasn't quite so much fun anymore, I was quickly turning into a pain in the ass.  I was "spoiled", I was "selfish", I was "just like my mother".  I became a teenager and I was all of those things. I was a responsibility no one really wanted to take on.  Thankfully, I made it through somehow without being terribly scarred (or am I?) and I grew up.  In my 20's, I moved away, got a good job and learned to take care of myself.  Yet, in some people's eyes, I'm still "spoiled, selfish and just like my mother".  I find this funny.  Because it's far from the real me, and far from the truth. If you knew me, you'd know...

I've worked hard to get to 40.

I don't mean I have physically labored hard to get here - well, I have - physically labored too...I started working at age 14 and I have always been a hard worker but, I mean I have grown, I have changed, I have learned, I have stumbled and I have fallen flat on my face - more than once.  Sure, I have some things in my life that I'd love to change, to improve upon, or even just erase but, I have built a great life together with my partner.  He and I have built a strong marriage, a rock solid friendship, and joining it with the best kid ever born - we've built one helluva family!

I have Faith in God, that can move mountains.  I'm sure of it!  I have seen Him work in all His glory.  There is so much more to Faith in God, spirituality, and religion than what we are taught in church.  God's direction for me is much louder, more pure and more certain than it has ever been in all my last 40.  I've had it, lost it, found it again, watered it, grown it and now I cherish it.

I have let go of so much pain and anger.  Infertility will always be a part of me.  Not as a badge of pain to wear all of my life but, as a lesson in faith, in God, in family, marriage, partnership, humility,  and friendship.  The wounds of it are long gone, the scars have healed.  I no longer feel like a failure.  Honestly, I feel completely and totally blessed.  I came out stronger than before. I understand my purpose here on this Earth was to be Jacob's mom.  And that.  That is more than enough for me.

I've played hard to get to 40.

I've had some fantastically fun experiences along the way.  I have met the best.  THE.  BEST people.  I have met amazing kindness, hilarious pee-in-your-pants laughter, rock solid steadiness, and stone cold stupid.  And it has been an amazingly good time. I have laughed at my self, laughed at a few others, and had many laughs at my expense.  I don't care how the laughs come, just so they keep on coming.

I have seen some marvelous things.  Things like a lone deer, up to her back in a green wheat field, her ears out like handles on a periscope.  A young spotted fawn sleeping in the dewy morning grass,  a pack of coyote passing through an empty field with a litter of pups, deer drinking from Lake Michigan at sunrise, fiery sunsets, crashing waves, the birth of my beautiful son, a classroom of first graders learning to read, and a lone pig escaping the feed farm - running across an open field and screaming "Free at last!  Free at last!".  I have witnessed extreme acts of kindness and I've had the opportunity to give my time and my talents to help someone in need.

I have traveled to some amazing places, California, Kentucky, Oregon, Canada, and so many more.  I have stood under The Redwoods, swam in the ocean, picnicked on the bluffs of the Pacific, fished in the Big Lake.  Looked out from Whitefish Point to the south and over the sandy shores in Chicago back to the North. I've been horseback riding in pecan groves, and stood in the spot where James Dean took his last breath.  I've worked a farm, baled hay, I've watched calves born in the barnyard and I've stroked their soft sides as their little souls left their sick bodies watching their mommas trying to nudge them back to life.  I've shoved a 700 lb. fed for beef steer out of my path with my bare hands, had a cow lick me from finger tips to elbow in one swipe, and bottle fed many a newborn calf.  Thinking back is like a scrapbook - little photos pop into my head. I can't wait to see what else there is.  This life has had so many ups.

I've fought hard to get to 40.

And plenty of downs.  People who thought a girl shouldn't do this, shouldn't do that, couldn't do this, couldn't do that.  My response was always, "watch me".  I've worked for everything I have - what I didn't work for, I fought tooth and nail for.  Nothing was ever "given" to me.  Not one single thing.  I may have begged and borrowed for it but, I have paid all of my debts with money or pieces of my heart and soul.

I've grieved hard to get to 40.

This is the hard part. Those you lose along the way. I've lost so many great people, friends, mentors, my father, and I don't know how many of my babies. Some I didn't realize were so great until after they were gone. Some, I'd give almost anything to have them back. Some I don't miss one little bit and even still some walk with me every step of the way. Death/loss is a strange thing. Some it leaves, some it takes. Some knock you down and some build you up.  Some leave you lost, some leave to help you find your way.  Some never leave you.

I lost a couple of long term relationships both of the romantic and platonic type.  I've made a lot of friends and lost a few.  Friends move away, new ones come in, you lose touch.  Sometimes you reconnect, sometimes not. It's the lay of the land, the flow of the river.  It still hurts but, you move forward - the next step could be even better than the last.

40 years ago today. My mom was in labor with her 6th child - her 5th daughter. My dad had left to go home and get lunch. I was born while he was gone - all 9 lbs. 15.5 oz. and 22" of me. My mom always taught me that I could do what ever I wanted, I didn't need a man to do it for me. You see, it started from birth...this drive, this iron will, this determination to do it all, whatever I want, and to do it well.  I thought I'd be sad to turn 40.  I thought it would be harder than turning 30.  I'm not sad.  I'm kind of proud.  I've been through some real shit - literally and figuratively. I have a great kid and every year with him is my favorite year.  I look back at the memories, the snapshots of my life and where I came from, where I've been, and you know something?  I think I came out pretty good. No permanent damage done.  Though, I will always have a few wounds to lick, I still don't see much grey hair but, I seriously need to talk to someone about this moustache...