The Best Love I Have to Give

Family quarrels are bitter things.  They don't go by any rules.  They're not like aches or wounds; they're more like splits in the skin that won't heal because there's not enough material.  ~F. Scott Fitzgerald

I love quotes.  I love little sentences that make me think, that kick my mind into gear.  My sweet Aunt June passed away yesterday and I'm sitting here thinking of her family.  As any family, they had their share of problems, of trials, of faults but, at the end of the day, when their mother was called home, this family, my cousins pulled in together as...well, as a family.

At the end of the day, a loving family should find everything forgivable.  ~Mark V. Olsen and Will Sheffer

I'm thinking of my family and what it was like when my father died.  We didn't pull together, not really.  We pulled apart.  It seems there is always a side to be taken, someone always has to choose where they stand or who they want to be with.  Someone always gets angry because one person had more information or had it before another.  Someone always thinks someone else got more than they did.  Where does this come from?  Why can't we forget all this counting and just be a family?  Why can't we focus on our strengths as people, as siblings in the same miserableness rather than pick each others bones like old crows?  Why can't we just love each other?

The hardest-learned lesson:  that people have only their kind of love to give, not our kind.  ~Mignon McLaughlin

It seems we were taught to love with strings.  To love each other simply was not enough.  As children, our gifts were never appreciated, and certainly not cherished.  Love WAS conditional.  Some have overcome this, some have hardened to it, and maybe we all still succumb to it every now and again.   I have found that the best we can do is to love the way we want to be loved, the best we can and to know that the love we get in return is the best love someone else can give back to us.  It's the most, best love we are capable of.  I'm sad we carried all of these love conditions into being grown ups.  I don't like it and I don't want to do it any more.

Family is just accident.... They don't mean to get on your nerves.  They don't even mean to be your family, they just are.  ~Marsha Norman

I love my family.  I love my sisters more than they will ever know.  One goal of my life is to love my sisters better, to get closer to them and for all of us to know that we all love each other even though we may have different and closer/distant relationships with another but, we still love the others just as much.  I love the fun I have with A sister but, I also love talking books with B sister or crafting with C sister.  I don't love any one of them less than another we just have different common ground.  We may not always  play well together but, they're my sisters.  Though we all came from the same parents, we can't all be the same person.

Our siblings.  They resemble us just enough to make all their differences confusing, and no matter what we choose to make of this, we are cast in relation to them our whole lives long.  ~Susan Scarf Merrell

I look at my cousins, their closeness, the time they spend together as sisters and I want that!  I want my sisters to laugh with, to appreciate, to be a part of - ALL the time!  Not just sometimes.  I have 3 AMAZING sisters and I want to step off in a new direction, laughing and in love with them - ALL of them.  And they with me.  My sisters, are AMAZING!  And I choose to see them as AMAZING (we all have our not so amazing moments and I love those too but, my point here is NOT to focus on those).  I'm not looking at their faults, I'm looking at their talents, at their hearts.  I am choosing to make myself better, to be more, to be engaged, to be open, to be closer.  I choose to love my sisters with the best love I have to give.

If you don't understand how a woman could both love her sister dearly and want to wring her neck at the same time, then you were probably an only child.  ~Linda Sunshine

The aftermath...

As we were cleaning up from my party, I kept looking at the cement under the pavilion.  All of these pink, purple, and silver  "40" confetti were all over the ground.  Early in the party, we had some really strong wind that just blew them everywhere.  I felt badly to leave them all over but, there was nothing I could do, I couldn't pick them up one by one.  I kept thinking these little 40's were going to be here for a long time, this park is now a little bit changed because I turned 40...if my little birthday changed this park, what do I need to change in myself?

I've given this a lot of thought and I do have some things I want to work on.  BIG things.

I have a lot of hurt and some anger toward parts of my past, people in my past.  I need to heal those and learn a better way to deal (or not) with those/them going forward.

I need to learn to forgive a lot and to let go of even more.

I have a few walls that need to come down and there are some to be built.

I want to be better.  A better wife, a better mom, a better friend - just all around better.  I think we can always just try to be better at everything in our lives.

To write more.  I don't know if I'll write more here or privately.  Sometimes it's harder to write it knowing it will never be seen.  Kind of a why bother.  I'm kicking around the idea of therapy again to help find the root of myself.  Why I am the way I am.  I might want to write about it...privately...or maybe not. Or maybe.

To practice more with my intuition.  To set aside time for meditation, to pray, to talk to God and listen for his directions and follow them.

This party, though challenging at times to put together, it was really what I needed.  I needed to see that my family - even if I don't always see it or maybe don't believe it - they're here for me and they do love me!  I needed to see I do have friends. Great friends and more friends than I thought I had.  And I do have that friend I can call at 3AM to bury a body.  I do have a sister that I can call and cry to! I do have that, I do!

And in the aftermath, thank you everyone.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.  Those who braved the heat to come to my party, those who talked me out of my pork panics, those who sent a package of fun stuff (that made me laugh) in the mail, the cards, the birthday wishes.  All.  Of.  It.  Thank you.  Thank you for helping me to see that I am loved, that I do have very important people surrounding me.  Thank you.

"Be the change that you wish to see in the world.” ~Mahatma Gandhi

On this date, 40 years ago...

"Congratulations Mrs. E*!  It's a (another) Girl!"

June 21, 1973, at 1:00 PM, not so little Gail Ann E* came into this world screaming, and however you look at it, inside or out, I haven't stopped screaming since.  (According to my mother, I was named after Gail Knott, a friend of hers.  According to my dad, I was named after Gail Swanson, a friend of his.  They both agree I was given my middle name from my Grandma Ann - she was not my dad's mom but, his step-mom.  Grandma Ann was a kind, gentle woman and when my mom laid me in her lap to meet me, she felt my face as she was blind and she cried when they told her my name was Gail Ann, named after her.)

Can you believe I'm freaking 40?  I don't feel 40.  I don't look 40.  Ok - I don't think I look 40.  I was born the youngest child into to a family of 4 sisters, one brother, a 39 year old mother and a 46 year old father with Multiple Sclerosis.  I was born into a total shit storm, I tell you!  My dad was recently diagnosed, my oldest sister leaving for college and 2 more right on her heels.  Dad retired only a year after my birth, and mom had just finished nurse's training.   They were scared, they didn't know what I would be - if I would be "normal" - he was sick, she was older, it was a tense time.  When I was born, I was the cute new puppy that every one loved.  I was little, I was new, I was fun. I was a break from all the seriousness.  I was fun to dress up and play with, to take here and there as the "baby sister".  As I got older, I suddenly had to be watched, cared for, fed, and watered. I wasn't cute and cuddly anymore.  I was growing into this stubborn, determined, spit-fire and I wasn't quite so much fun anymore, I was quickly turning into a pain in the ass.  I was "spoiled", I was "selfish", I was "just like my mother".  I became a teenager and I was all of those things. I was a responsibility no one really wanted to take on.  Thankfully, I made it through somehow without being terribly scarred (or am I?) and I grew up.  In my 20's, I moved away, got a good job and learned to take care of myself.  Yet, in some people's eyes, I'm still "spoiled, selfish and just like my mother".  I find this funny.  Because it's far from the real me, and far from the truth. If you knew me, you'd know...

I've worked hard to get to 40.

I don't mean I have physically labored hard to get here - well, I have - physically labored too...I started working at age 14 and I have always been a hard worker but, I mean I have grown, I have changed, I have learned, I have stumbled and I have fallen flat on my face - more than once.  Sure, I have some things in my life that I'd love to change, to improve upon, or even just erase but, I have built a great life together with my partner.  He and I have built a strong marriage, a rock solid friendship, and joining it with the best kid ever born - we've built one helluva family!

I have Faith in God, that can move mountains.  I'm sure of it!  I have seen Him work in all His glory.  There is so much more to Faith in God, spirituality, and religion than what we are taught in church.  God's direction for me is much louder, more pure and more certain than it has ever been in all my last 40.  I've had it, lost it, found it again, watered it, grown it and now I cherish it.

I have let go of so much pain and anger.  Infertility will always be a part of me.  Not as a badge of pain to wear all of my life but, as a lesson in faith, in God, in family, marriage, partnership, humility,  and friendship.  The wounds of it are long gone, the scars have healed.  I no longer feel like a failure.  Honestly, I feel completely and totally blessed.  I came out stronger than before. I understand my purpose here on this Earth was to be Jacob's mom.  And that.  That is more than enough for me.

I've played hard to get to 40.

I've had some fantastically fun experiences along the way.  I have met the best.  THE.  BEST people.  I have met amazing kindness, hilarious pee-in-your-pants laughter, rock solid steadiness, and stone cold stupid.  And it has been an amazingly good time. I have laughed at my self, laughed at a few others, and had many laughs at my expense.  I don't care how the laughs come, just so they keep on coming.

I have seen some marvelous things.  Things like a lone deer, up to her back in a green wheat field, her ears out like handles on a periscope.  A young spotted fawn sleeping in the dewy morning grass,  a pack of coyote passing through an empty field with a litter of pups, deer drinking from Lake Michigan at sunrise, fiery sunsets, crashing waves, the birth of my beautiful son, a classroom of first graders learning to read, and a lone pig escaping the feed farm - running across an open field and screaming "Free at last!  Free at last!".  I have witnessed extreme acts of kindness and I've had the opportunity to give my time and my talents to help someone in need.

I have traveled to some amazing places, California, Kentucky, Oregon, Canada, and so many more.  I have stood under The Redwoods, swam in the ocean, picnicked on the bluffs of the Pacific, fished in the Big Lake.  Looked out from Whitefish Point to the south and over the sandy shores in Chicago back to the North. I've been horseback riding in pecan groves, and stood in the spot where James Dean took his last breath.  I've worked a farm, baled hay, I've watched calves born in the barnyard and I've stroked their soft sides as their little souls left their sick bodies watching their mommas trying to nudge them back to life.  I've shoved a 700 lb. fed for beef steer out of my path with my bare hands, had a cow lick me from finger tips to elbow in one swipe, and bottle fed many a newborn calf.  Thinking back is like a scrapbook - little photos pop into my head. I can't wait to see what else there is.  This life has had so many ups.

I've fought hard to get to 40.

And plenty of downs.  People who thought a girl shouldn't do this, shouldn't do that, couldn't do this, couldn't do that.  My response was always, "watch me".  I've worked for everything I have - what I didn't work for, I fought tooth and nail for.  Nothing was ever "given" to me.  Not one single thing.  I may have begged and borrowed for it but, I have paid all of my debts with money or pieces of my heart and soul.

I've grieved hard to get to 40.

This is the hard part. Those you lose along the way. I've lost so many great people, friends, mentors, my father, and I don't know how many of my babies. Some I didn't realize were so great until after they were gone. Some, I'd give almost anything to have them back. Some I don't miss one little bit and even still some walk with me every step of the way. Death/loss is a strange thing. Some it leaves, some it takes. Some knock you down and some build you up.  Some leave you lost, some leave to help you find your way.  Some never leave you.

I lost a couple of long term relationships both of the romantic and platonic type.  I've made a lot of friends and lost a few.  Friends move away, new ones come in, you lose touch.  Sometimes you reconnect, sometimes not. It's the lay of the land, the flow of the river.  It still hurts but, you move forward - the next step could be even better than the last.

40 years ago today. My mom was in labor with her 6th child - her 5th daughter. My dad had left to go home and get lunch. I was born while he was gone - all 9 lbs. 15.5 oz. and 22" of me. My mom always taught me that I could do what ever I wanted, I didn't need a man to do it for me. You see, it started from birth...this drive, this iron will, this determination to do it all, whatever I want, and to do it well.  I thought I'd be sad to turn 40.  I thought it would be harder than turning 30.  I'm not sad.  I'm kind of proud.  I've been through some real shit - literally and figuratively. I have a great kid and every year with him is my favorite year.  I look back at the memories, the snapshots of my life and where I came from, where I've been, and you know something?  I think I came out pretty good. No permanent damage done.  Though, I will always have a few wounds to lick, I still don't see much grey hair but, I seriously need to talk to someone about this moustache...

The 10th Commandment

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

My very good friend in high school, her mom used to say this when she suspected her kids were telling tall tales. 

I am not a good liar.  And I don't mind...most of the time.  I know I'm not a good liar so, I don't try.  I know that my mind can't keep track of all the tangles to tell a lie and I'd just be busted in the end, so why bother?  More importantly, I don't want to lose my integrity.  I don't want to lose your trust.  That means more to me than anything else.

I value trust.  Did you hear that?  I said, I value trust.  It takes a long time to gain my trust and to bust you in one lie, you may not gain my trust again.  By again, I mean Ever.

I see so many people who...live beyond their means, who have to have whatever anyone else has, like this life is a competition - who can get the most first - whether they can afford it or not.  Isn't that living a lie?  Isn't that coveting?  Isn't that a commandment?

Well..well...well...looky...there it is!   #10

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's.

Let me help you just a little further:

cov·et

verb (used with object)

1. to desire wrongfully, inordinately, or without due regard for the rights of others: to covet another's property. 

2. to wish for, especially eagerly: He won the prize they all coveted. 

verb (used without object)

3. to have an inordinate or wrongful desire.

I'm not saying I'm innocent, that I live my life in 100% accordance to the commandments either.  I'm not saying any one commandment is of more value than another.  I have plenty of my own to work on (that Lord's name in vain thing gets me every time!) I'm not saying we shouldn't have what we want and enjoy what we have.

I am saying, that I am really sick of the "I have", "we bought", "look at me" crap.  I'm sick of people impressing their need for excess on others when at the end of the day, they truly do not have a pot to piss in.  I'm saying, I do not care what my friends, family or neighbors have or better yet - don't have, and Dear Lord, I pray they don't give two shits about what I have!

I am saying that living beyond your means is living a lie.  I am saying that by continually lying to me, I will never trust you.  I am saying by living a lie, keeping up a false appearance, wouldn't that make your friends false too?  If they only care about what you have?  Or you about you for what you have?  Sounds kind of shallow to me-e!

The things, the stuff, aren't important.  It's the love and the truth, especially the truth, that's all that really matters!

I LOVE TO READ!!

A book is the only place in which you can examine a fragile thought without breaking it, or explore an explosive idea without fear it will go off in your face. It is one of the few havens remaining where a man's mind can get both provocation and privacy. ~Edward P. Morgan

I've posted before and maybe often about books and my love for them.  I just can't help it!

I was thinking of Jacob's first day of first grade, when I walked into the room and saw his teacher, standing on a desk shouting, "I LOVE TO READ!".  I was a little unsure at first...and then after a few days of this vision sinking in, I realized that he was acting out what I had already felt.  I LOVE TO READ!

I have always been a reader.  My mom would say "NO!" to toys and games but, she never, ever said no to a book or stack of books, as was usually the case.  Every Sunday morning we'd go to the bookstore downtown.  She'd buy the Sunday papers, look at magazines and I would go look at books.  Generally, I'd pick out 2 for myself and go find her but, occasionally she would have to come and find me because I couldn't make up my mind what I wanted this week and if she had to come looking for me, I'd get a whole stack of books!  She'd start showing me titles, asking me about authors, which had I already read, what I had not.  I never wanted to be too greedy or take advantage on those mornings, always afraid this book bounty would end. 

In the summers, I'd pack up for my sister's.  I think I took a whole suitcase of books.  My brother-in-law's mother had a little bookcase with a glass door and a whole set of books in there - I think they were Dr. Suess.  I loved going over there, lying on the floor and reading book after book  A good friend of their family was a teacher and I loved going to her house too.  She loaned me the Laura Ingall's Wilder books and I can't tell you how many times I've read that series.  Thank you Mrs. James, for encouraging my love of reading.

Sadly, my interest in reading waned for a time and the books stopped coming for awhile.  I'd pick up a magazine once in awhile but, nothing serious.

Through my 20's and into my 30's, I'd pick up a serial novel here and there.  The authors that release a new title every year and have for the past decade - or the ones who use various pen names.  I came across an author the other day who wrote under 5 pen names!  I can't read these now - they all see the same to me.  I tried an old fave, Danielle Steele and I just couldn't get into her again.  But, just so you know, my all time favorite book of hers is Accident.

The last 5 years or so, I have been hoarding books again. I pick them up at Goodwill, get a steal on-line, yard sales are great, and of course, the Kindle.  I prefer the one hit wonders - authors who write one book and only one book.  I am drawn to any title with the words "a novel".   I love books set in "The Outer Banks" - North Carolina area, books set in the 40's/WWII and Nantucket - the islands and fishing communities.   Let's see my favorite authors are currently Patti Callahan Henry, Karen White, and Elin Hilderbrand oh and Beth Harbison and Jennifer Weiner.  Yes, they do have a few books under their belts but, they're not "must release a new book.  Every. Single.  Year." type authors.

I love, love, love being a reader.  I can't tell you how many people I have met, how many doors it has opened for me.  It's like magic fairy dust when you ask a reader "Do you read?" It's as if they light up with sparkles from within.  They smile and you start talking, animatedly discussing books and you now have a connection.  "Have you read..?  Did you like...?"   I've seen the reaction from non-readers when this happens and I feel badly for them.  They're almost hurt to be left out of this engaging discussion.  I always hope or try to encourage them to start.  There's always time for a good book!

Finally! Traits of an Empath #30!

30. Can appear moody, shy, aloof, disconnected: Depending on how an empath is feeling will depend on what face they show to the world. They can be prone to mood swings and if they’ve taken on too much negative will appear quiet and unsociable, even miserable. An empath detests having to pretend to be happy when they’re sad, this only adds to their load (makes working in the service industry, when it’s service with a smile, very challenging) and can make them feel like scuttling under a stone.

Such a small paragraph with so much accurate information.

I feel everything intensely.  I react intensely.  My feelings for the day, will radiate from me.  My moods swing like a 5 year old on a swing set.

I mostly feel like I do not fit.  I do not belong.  I do not mesh.  I often feel complicated or misunderstood. 

When I feel these things, I feel them to. My. Core.

I cannot ignore these.  I cannot pretend they do not exist.  I cannot paint on a smile.  I cannot fake that I like someone.  I cannot pretend.  Forcing me to pretend will make me angry.  Forcing me to get along will make me resentful.  Catering to me will make me uncomfortable.  Just get me out as soon as possible.

I am quite shy with new people or new places and this shyness does come off as moody, aloof, and disconnected all at once.  It's very difficult to figure me out, and most times, I'm not sure myself where I am on the spectrum!

Too much negative pushes me over the edge and fast!  I feel like I'm in a swirling vortex and I can't claw my way out.  I can feel the life, the goodness, the positivity being sucked from me.  I don't like it at all.

I think #30 fits me the best.  If this has helped you to understand me, it was worth it.

Traits of an Empath #29 - home stretch!

29. Sense the energy of food: Many empaths don’t like to eat meat or poultry because they can feel the vibrations of the animal (especially if the animal suffered), even if they like the taste.

I can't eat veal.  I know that is a calf.  And that is unacceptable to me.  I think back to my days on the farm, watching them play in the barnyard, so cute and sweet.  I can't eat them.

I don't eat farm fresh eggs, if I can help it.  They're a little too rich for me.  Not to mention, I've cracked one too many to find a...uh...little...chickn..fetus?  in the pan.  YULK!

Meat to me, feels heavy. I did the "no red meat" thing for awhile and I did feel better.  I can't say it is the vibrations of the animal but, I do feel better when eating more vegetable or grains.

Traits of an Empath 28

28. Will not choose to buy antiques, vintage or second-hand: Anything that’s been pre-owned carries the energy of the previous owner. An empath will even prefer to have a brand new car or house (if they are in the financial situation to do so) with no residual energy.

I'm divided here.

I LOVE antiques, vintage and second hand!  I love scouring antique stores!  I'd love auctions but, I know I couldn't contain myself!  I love poking around the second hand stores for little treasures.  I believe all things carry energy and we have to sort out the things (energy) that just feel right.

I prefer a brand new car.  I don't trust people so, I wouldn't trust anyone to divulge all the information when selling me a car.  I feel a little safer knowing that everything is new and I'm not worrying when or what someone else's mistake is going to cost me.  I have 36,000 miles of security!

I also believe in finding the right energy in a vechicle.  When we bought my new one just a few months ago, we also tried out the almost identical model in blue, and I didn't like it.  I just didn't feel comfortable in that car.  It was brand new - no one else owned it but, I knew it wasn't the right car for me.

My mom (again with my mom) always told me to trust my gut.  Trust my instincts.  Back when I was in high school, she was looking for a different car.  We tried out 2 vehicles, same year, same style, one red, one blue.  She and I got into the red car, and before she'd even started it, I was sick to my stomach.  I hated that car!  We drove it for a bit and I just felt worse.  She asked me what I thought, and she said, "nevermind - you are so green, are you okay?"

I managed a "Don't buy this car!" and got out of it as fast as I could.

We took the blue car for a test run once my normal color returned, and I was immediately at ease.  Relaxed.  Felt great.

She bought the blue car. 

I did eventually ask her why she didn't buy the red car.  I don't remember her exact words but, she said she didn't feel right about it either but, there was no way she could buy a car that made me sick just sitting in it.

Traits of an Empath #27 - Almost done!

27. The ability to feel the days of the week: An empath will get the ‘Friday Feeling’ if they work Fridays or not. They pick up on how the collective are feeling. The first couple of days of a long, bank holiday weekend (Easter for example) can feel, to them, like the world is smiling, calm and relaxed. Sunday evenings, Mondays and Tuesdays, of a working week, have a very heavy feeling.

Oh Boy, Monday!  I feel every agonizing minute of Monday and Tuesday!  They can't get over fast enough.

Wednesday is kind of my bust ass day.

Thurday is home stretch.

Ahhhh!  Friday.  There is nothing like the feeling of Friday night.  It is my absolute favorite.  The eve of relaxation.  I love the laidbackness of Friday night.  Popcorn, a movie, and maybe a late night on the porch.  The end of a long week.  Hmmm....

Sunday evening is the worst!  Winding down, gearing up for another week ahead.

Long weekends are my favorite.  I come back into Monday or Tuesday feeling refreshed, recharged, re-energized and ready to roll.

Is it Friday yet?

Traits of an Empath #26

26. Intolerance to narcissism: Although kind and often very tolerant of others, empaths do not like to be around overly egotistical people, who put themselves first and refuse to consider another’s feelings or points of view other than their own.

Ego:

1. The self, especially as distinct from the world and other selves.

2. In psychoanalysis, the division of the psyche that is conscious, most immediately controls thought and behavior, and is most in touch with external reality.

3. a. An exaggerated sense of self-importance; conceit.

    b. Appropriate pride in oneself; self-esteem

 

Egotistical/Narcissistic people drive me up the freaking wall!  To me, these go hand in hand.  I have run into so many and they are immediately sorted into my "nope" pile.  I believe that everyone has something to teach and something to learn.  These type people always teach me that I need to stay away from them!  I am a firm believer in treat others the way in which you would like to be treated.  It's as simple as that.

 

Every one single person is important.  I am not more important than you, you are not any more important than I.  I remember when I was still living at home, anytime I was nervous about meeting someone or talking to someone, my mom would always say to me "He/She puts his/her pants on one leg at a time, just like you do.  They're not any better or worse than you, it's all the same."

 

I don't like that I, often times come off as narcissistic or egotistical.  I have noticed I do give off the impression that I am more than they.  I am aware of it and it's something that I am working on within myself. 

 

Though, I do have to say - I believe we do come across people that are on a different social/economic plane than others - Jeremy and I refer to it as "just a different class of people" and well, our morals, values or principles are simply not the same.  It doesn't mean these people are worse, or less it just means different.   Take the woman who cleans at work.  She cleans the bathrooms.  Her name is B* and I often see her around town.  We always wave or say hello. We usually kid about stalking each other!  It doesn't matter that she cleans toilets. 

 

I wonder what this world could be if we'd all check our ego at the door?

Traits of an Empath #25

25. Excellent listener: An empath won’t talk about themselves much unless it’s to someone they really trust. They love to learn and know about others and genuinely care.

This one is tough for me.

No one really listens to anyone else, and if you try it for a while you'll see why. ~Mignon McLaughlin,

I don't think I am an excellent listener though I have heard it many times.  My husband, in every argument says to me "Are you going to listen to me this time...?"

I don't like to talk about my insides, my thoughts, my feelings, my goals, my dreams, my childhood, or my mother.  I was, when I was younger, much more open than I am now.  I have had things that I have said or felt used against me.  Broadcast to everyone who would listen.  I have been lured and lied to.  I have been tricked and teased.  I keep my past pretty private. 

It was very hard for me, in the beginning to write here.  As a child, I was never encouraged to be creative, or to write.  Writing was always a criticism waiting to happen - more a battle waiting to be waged.  Diaries were never respected.  Letters were always read.  Privacy was expected to be compromised.  How does one express themselves knowing the result will be punishment of some sort?  They don't.  They hold it all in until one day, it just explodes.  Thankfully, it waited until I was grown up, out of reach, out of grasp.

In those days, it became easier to listen. A matter of survival.  To detach myself and just listen.  Sometimes to listen until I thought my ears might bleed.  To simply shut my mouth and listen.  For what seemed like hours.  Wishing that my ears would please fall off.  If I listened, there was no screeching, no yelling, no fighting, no beady little black eyes boring holes into my little soul.  And there was peace.

What began as an act, evolved as I got older. I got better at hearing, though maybe it was better at patronizing.  As I'm getting older, I'm getting better at discerning what to tune in to, and what to tune out.  I hate when I get them confused and have to make someone repeat!  I'm working again to close my trap and to listen, this time carefully sorting what is needed and what is not.  This time, making better choices of those to listen to.  And she...she is not one of the choices.

I tell you everything that is really nothing, and nothing of what is everything, do not be fooled by what I am saying. Please listen carefully and try to hear what I am not saying. ~Charles C. Finn

Traits of an Empath #24

24. Prone to carry weight without necessarily overeating: The excess weight is a form of protection to stop the negative incoming energies having as much impact.
Ugh!  Weight.  I've never really discussed weight on here...in all this time.

In the past few months, I've really been making an effort to watch what I eat.  We gave up soda/pop about a year or so ago. I am in a panic over aspartame and won't touch anything containing it.  I'm just trying to watch what I put in, make better choices, portion control but, what I'm noticing is - it doesn't matter. I'm still mostly the same.

I've noticed that my coffee is a little too sweet, and have cut back on the amount of creamer.  I can only eat 2 slices of pizza.  I rarely eat french fries - the give me terrible burps.  I love veggies.  We only use frozen and I steam them with garlic salt - no butter.  We eat a lot of fresh through the summer.  I can't stay away from the farm stands!  I am not much of a potato chip eater and I'll have a candy bar - maybe once a month!  You see a large person and you think they must do nothing but stuff their faces with food 24/7.  It's not true.  I don't eat that much.  Though some delicious saucy pasta is another story!

I've been tracking what I eat using a food tracking app on my phone and I always, always, always have calories to spare at the end of the day and we're not talking just one or two - more like 500+.

I do lack exercise.  I have a desk job.  We do try to walk the dog at least every night.  She's hard for me to walk, she pulls pretty hard and it's tough on my knees.  Many nights, I come home from work mentally exhausted, I pick Jacob up by 6, go home, eat dinner, do homework and then try to have him in bed by 8:30 PM on school nights - it's tough to get that walk in some nights.

Weight has been a challenge for me ALL of my life.  I remember being in 1st grade and my mom would buy me those shiny polyester grandma pants (seafoam green) and a matching shirt with the Empire waist because it was "slimming".   No one ever limited food for me.  I could have cookies, crap.  I used to eat frozen french fries for breakfast!  Isn't that sad?

I realize that I will never be thin.  And that's OK.  I wouldn't mind losing a few pounds and with my adjustments, I have lost some inches, my jeans are looser.  I just don't want to get any bigger.  If I can just lose or maintain and help my child to do the same!

Traits of an Empath #23

23. Finds routine, rules or control, imprisoning: Anything that takes away their freedom is debilitating to an empath even poisoning.

This is not exactly true for me either.

I like routine, I like rules, and I like being in control (of myself).

My morning at work is always the same, turn on computer, get myself set up, find breakfast, clean my glasses, and check email.

I am a rule follower.  I try to find all of the loops but, I have to follow the rules.  I don't like to break them but, if I can find a loop, I'll use it to my advantage, if someone pushes me to.

And there's the food rules - must have cranberry on turkey, foods on the plate must not touch, eat all of one food before switching to another, do not drink the milk from cereal, I know there are more.

Control is an odd topic.  I like to be in control of myself, of my home, and the way things are done in my home.  I do like to have control in some situations that involve me - but, I do not want to be in control of anyone else.  I control me and my actions, you control you and your actions.  I don't have to choose where we go for lunch or the topic of conversation but, I'm not going to allow you to dictate to me what I should or should not do.

I am an extremely responsible person.  I don't see it as taking away my freedom.  It's simply work first and play when the work is done.

Speaking of - I'll be a little free-er when this exercise is done!