A month or so ago, I took a class with Kristy Robinett to learn to use a specific oracle deck - Higher Intuitions Oracle.
From Aeclectic Tarot - Oracle decks, divination decks, meditation cards, and cartomantic or non-Tarot
decks of all kinds. Oracle decks are used for similar purposes to Tarot cards,
but have varying numbers of cards - from as low as 20 to as many as 144 - and
may be based on any structure or any topic.
Okay - now we know what an oracle deck is!
Every now and again, when something gets me a little down and I'm not sure where to go or what to do, I pull a card from the deck (which is almost always with me).
I've been feeling a bit weighted down by some once important women in my life. I've been carrying some BIG, BIG, emotional luggage with me and I finally grabbed the cards this afternoon and did a little pull for myself. I shuffled my cards, repeating to myself - "What do I do? How do I handle this? What's next?" And I drew a card from the deck.
Phoenix.
Sidebar - I totally LOVE these cards! I love that there is a quote on each animal. I love that there are key words to relate. I just am in awe with these!
Back to Phoenix.
The quote: "When once you have tasted flight, you will always walk the Earth with your eyes turned skyward: For there you have been and there you will always be." ~ Henry Van Dyke
(I have to paraphrase here because Kristy's work is copyrighted and I do not have her written consent to reproduce her exact words.)
Essentially, I am preparing for a new life, a re-birth. It's time to let go of things and people from my past to enable me to move forward or upward. It's time for me to look within myself for God to lead me and show me the direction and to have faith - to be open to new ideas and experiences. It's time to release my fears and move on.
Hmm...
At one time, I was free. I didn't have all of these relationships to maintain, or now to fix. It was easy to just go along and whatever. As I'm getting older, quality is beginning to shove herself into my every day. I want better for myself. I want quality. I want the good stuff. No more margarine - give me the butter! I want the best parts - not what's left. I want not just time with my husband, I want time where we talk and enjoy each other's company. I don't want to just hang out with my son, I want laughter and memories and time to share. I have some quality friends that I've made for what they add to my life, not what they subtract and I've left the minus friends behind.
It's time to rebuild with bricks instead of sticks. It's time to let old habits die and build new, better, healthier ones. I feel like now really is my time to do that and it's okay if I don't want to feed the wolf at the door anymore. In fact, it's time for that wolf to pack her tricks and find some other bird, this phoenix is moving on!
There is a phoenix within all of us. Somewhere. A point where we stop doing the things we have always done and shift everything back around to rise again within ourselves to be who we want to be instead of what we have allowed ourselves to be. A time to be who we are, not who we are expected to be.
This dark cloud that has been over me most of today is now gone. I feel clear in my direction. I know I need to go home tonight, talk to God and start my new path.
As I was typing "talk to God" this verse came to mind: "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~ Jeremiah 29:11
Monday, July 29, 2013
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Toxicity
Toxicity is the degree to which a substance can damage an organism. Toxicity can refer to the effect on a whole organism, such as an animal, bacterium, or plant, as well as the effect on a substructure of the organism, such as a cell (cytotoxicity) or an organ such as the liver (hepatotoxicity). By extension, the word may be metaphorically used to describe toxic effects on larger and more complex groups, such as the family unit or society at large.
The word toxicity or toxic has been stuck in my head for a few weeks. I'm going to talk about something that most of my good friends already know, something I don't often speak of directly. This is my story. I will not include my sisters or my brother or their stories - it's not about them. I will not mention them in this - they may agree or disagree and what they choose to share or don't is their business, nor will I discuss anything about my parents relationship. I will use the collective "we" as there are things "we" have done as a family or I know my siblings have tried as well. This is about me and one person in my life. My toxic mother.
I guess it's not really a secret, I have barely spoken to my mother in almost 2 years. I used to talk to her every day, at least twice a day. Every day, twice a day, I heard from my mother how terribly we treat her, how we never help her, we never give her anything, or do anything for her and in general how we are just rotten, rotten ungrateful people. Can you imagine what hearing this everyday, twice a day, does to your soul? October 5, 2011, I told her that I couldn't take this any more, that I am not a terrible person, and I do not deserve to be talked to like this and I hung up the phone.
Before you go all "She's your mother" on me, remember you don't know this woman. And those of you who have met this woman, you only know what she has chosen to show you. You don't know guilt. You don't know manipulation. You don't know how she keeps a running list of every single time she has helped me, every single thing she has given to me and every single dollar she has loaned to me. You don't know that any gift I have ever given to her was never enough, never good enough or expensive enough, resulting in a 3 day, pissed off, pouting rant about how she does so much for me and I never give her anything in return. I have gone as far as purchasing an exact thing she has asked for and she was still mad at me for a week because she had to tell my what to buy.
Have you ever been accused of theft? Has your own mother accused you? Let me see, I have "stolen" her clothing, her shoes (nevermind that she wears a size 8 to my size 10), socks, underwear, panty hose, towels, makeup, hair products, sheets, dishes, food, you name it, she's accused me of stealing it at least once. The latest, maybe the biggest insult of all - her wedding rings. Ouch.
My son is 7. 7. My mother has seen him 3 times. 3 times. She has not sent anything for his birthday since he was 3 - and then she only sent him $3 (she thinks it's cute to send them $1 for each year and nothing else). She does not send him anything for Christmas. Not even a card. Nothing. She was not there for his baptism, his first birthday, first anything.
This is not new. She did not attend anything. No ball games. No school functions. No plays. She did not volunteer. She did not room mother. She did not chaperone. She simply did not come. I remember one birthday party and one other birthday where she wanted me to mow the grass and said to me, "What do you think this is, your birthday?"
I tried very hard for many years to please her. I took time off of work, paid for hotel rooms to go and help her only to arrive at her house and have her say to me, "I'm not doing this today. I don't feel like it." Did you see where I said "paid for hotel rooms"? I can't even stay with my mother when I go up home. My old bed is still upstairs. My old bed was 20 years old when I got it 20 years ago. I'm not sleeping in a 40+ year old bed! There is no way to shower there, she barely has running water to do dishes, let alone for a shower. She does not cook (her stove only has one working burner). We (and yes, we) have all tried to help her move, or fix or repair or what ever. And she's not broke - she can afford the comforts but, she just won't budge. We've hired people to mow her lawn, shovel her drive but, she runs them off. We've come there to do it for her, and she runs us off or insults/criticises our every move to the point where we just leave. Sadly, it's not worth the time, the effort, the pain or frustration. A relationship with her is not worth the price of the peace within my soul.
I found this online today - 30 Healing Affirmations for Daughters of Toxic Mothers. I have forgiven my mother. I honor my mother - by respecting myself. I didn't share this for you to feel badly for me. I don't want pity. I don't want judgment. I am at peace with my decision to leave her and as much as I do wish she had been different, it's the lessons I have learned through this that are more important to me than wishing for what could have been.
I understand if you have a relationship with your mom and the things I've spoken of couldn't be enough for you to walk away and not speak to her. Remember, I have only written what I am comfortable enough to make public. My mother is still living and I do have enough respect for her as a person to keep these other things to myself. Many of you are, and I hope you realize you are, very lucky to have great mothers that love and encourage, support and help you as much as they possibly can. Be thankful. Hug your great mom, or even hug your good mom and then hug her again for me because I am happy you have her, and I'm thankful to her for doing and being all those things that make her great!
The word toxicity or toxic has been stuck in my head for a few weeks. I'm going to talk about something that most of my good friends already know, something I don't often speak of directly. This is my story. I will not include my sisters or my brother or their stories - it's not about them. I will not mention them in this - they may agree or disagree and what they choose to share or don't is their business, nor will I discuss anything about my parents relationship. I will use the collective "we" as there are things "we" have done as a family or I know my siblings have tried as well. This is about me and one person in my life. My toxic mother.
I guess it's not really a secret, I have barely spoken to my mother in almost 2 years. I used to talk to her every day, at least twice a day. Every day, twice a day, I heard from my mother how terribly we treat her, how we never help her, we never give her anything, or do anything for her and in general how we are just rotten, rotten ungrateful people. Can you imagine what hearing this everyday, twice a day, does to your soul? October 5, 2011, I told her that I couldn't take this any more, that I am not a terrible person, and I do not deserve to be talked to like this and I hung up the phone.
Before you go all "She's your mother" on me, remember you don't know this woman. And those of you who have met this woman, you only know what she has chosen to show you. You don't know guilt. You don't know manipulation. You don't know how she keeps a running list of every single time she has helped me, every single thing she has given to me and every single dollar she has loaned to me. You don't know that any gift I have ever given to her was never enough, never good enough or expensive enough, resulting in a 3 day, pissed off, pouting rant about how she does so much for me and I never give her anything in return. I have gone as far as purchasing an exact thing she has asked for and she was still mad at me for a week because she had to tell my what to buy.
Have you ever been accused of theft? Has your own mother accused you? Let me see, I have "stolen" her clothing, her shoes (nevermind that she wears a size 8 to my size 10), socks, underwear, panty hose, towels, makeup, hair products, sheets, dishes, food, you name it, she's accused me of stealing it at least once. The latest, maybe the biggest insult of all - her wedding rings. Ouch.
My son is 7. 7. My mother has seen him 3 times. 3 times. She has not sent anything for his birthday since he was 3 - and then she only sent him $3 (she thinks it's cute to send them $1 for each year and nothing else). She does not send him anything for Christmas. Not even a card. Nothing. She was not there for his baptism, his first birthday, first anything.
This is not new. She did not attend anything. No ball games. No school functions. No plays. She did not volunteer. She did not room mother. She did not chaperone. She simply did not come. I remember one birthday party and one other birthday where she wanted me to mow the grass and said to me, "What do you think this is, your birthday?"
I tried very hard for many years to please her. I took time off of work, paid for hotel rooms to go and help her only to arrive at her house and have her say to me, "I'm not doing this today. I don't feel like it." Did you see where I said "paid for hotel rooms"? I can't even stay with my mother when I go up home. My old bed is still upstairs. My old bed was 20 years old when I got it 20 years ago. I'm not sleeping in a 40+ year old bed! There is no way to shower there, she barely has running water to do dishes, let alone for a shower. She does not cook (her stove only has one working burner). We (and yes, we) have all tried to help her move, or fix or repair or what ever. And she's not broke - she can afford the comforts but, she just won't budge. We've hired people to mow her lawn, shovel her drive but, she runs them off. We've come there to do it for her, and she runs us off or insults/criticises our every move to the point where we just leave. Sadly, it's not worth the time, the effort, the pain or frustration. A relationship with her is not worth the price of the peace within my soul.
I found this online today - 30 Healing Affirmations for Daughters of Toxic Mothers. I have forgiven my mother. I honor my mother - by respecting myself. I didn't share this for you to feel badly for me. I don't want pity. I don't want judgment. I am at peace with my decision to leave her and as much as I do wish she had been different, it's the lessons I have learned through this that are more important to me than wishing for what could have been.
I understand if you have a relationship with your mom and the things I've spoken of couldn't be enough for you to walk away and not speak to her. Remember, I have only written what I am comfortable enough to make public. My mother is still living and I do have enough respect for her as a person to keep these other things to myself. Many of you are, and I hope you realize you are, very lucky to have great mothers that love and encourage, support and help you as much as they possibly can. Be thankful. Hug your great mom, or even hug your good mom and then hug her again for me because I am happy you have her, and I'm thankful to her for doing and being all those things that make her great!
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
What Children Learn - or not
Children Learn What
They Live
By Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.
By Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.
If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.
Copyright © 1972 by Dorothy
Law Nolte
I'm always so reflective. Always looking back, how can I change this? How can I be better at that? I have so many fears that I'm not a good parent, I'm not a good partner, a good sister, a good daughter, a good wife, or a good friend.
I want to show people what they mean to me but, I'm so afraid. I want to give gifts but, in my world nothing was ever good enough which pushes me to over do it looking for the approval from the wrong person. I'm so afraid that it won't be enough and you'll be angry with me. She'll never approve and I'll never be right.
I think of this poem often. It reminds me of what I should be, what my job is as a parent, a partner, sister, daughter, wife and a good friend.
I'm not selfish. I'm not greedy. I didn't have someone to show me how to be a good person, to love and respect people openly and honestly, to give without looking back. I simply don't think that way - I wasn't taught to think that way. I wasn't taught to do kind things for others. I wasn't shown how to be a good person. I'm learning and I hope I'm showing my child better than I was shown.
Friday, July 12, 2013
Gotcha Day - 2013
We all have days in our lives that we cherish, that we'll remember forever. The day we met our spouse, the day we married, the birth of a child. Sad days too, the day a parent or sibling passed, the day we said goodbye to a beloved pet. But, we. We get an extra day. We get a GOTCHA DAY! And we celebrate it!
I remember walking to the mailbox the morning of July 15, finding the envelope from the courts. We didn't know it was coming and I was quite nervous as to what it was. I thought we were done for. I was afraid they would come take our baby away. I nervously opened the envelope, scanned the wording..."Jacob...adoption...final...legal parents...on this day....signed by Honorable.......July 12, 2006"
"JEREMY!"
He happened to be home that day the paper came. The day we found out our son was really ours. I'm not sure how many times we've read that paper.
We celebrate Gotcha Day as another birthday - it's almost his half birthday. In the past we've had a dinner, we've had a party at our house. This year, we'll celebrate with a lunch as a family and a bonfire with some good friends that we consider family. Jacob's birth family.
So many things have changed in these 6 years. So much growth, change, healing and I'm happy. I'm truly happy. I am truly blessed.
We brought Jacob into an amazing, ie. confusing, imperfect family but, it's our family.
Nobody gets everything in this life. You decide your priorities and you make your choices. I'd decided long ago that any cake I had would be eaten. ~Donald E. Westlake
And yes, there will be cake.
I remember walking to the mailbox the morning of July 15, finding the envelope from the courts. We didn't know it was coming and I was quite nervous as to what it was. I thought we were done for. I was afraid they would come take our baby away. I nervously opened the envelope, scanned the wording..."Jacob...adoption...final...legal parents...on this day....signed by Honorable.......July 12, 2006"
"JEREMY!"
He happened to be home that day the paper came. The day we found out our son was really ours. I'm not sure how many times we've read that paper.
We celebrate Gotcha Day as another birthday - it's almost his half birthday. In the past we've had a dinner, we've had a party at our house. This year, we'll celebrate with a lunch as a family and a bonfire with some good friends that we consider family. Jacob's birth family.
So many things have changed in these 6 years. So much growth, change, healing and I'm happy. I'm truly happy. I am truly blessed.
We brought Jacob into an amazing, ie. confusing, imperfect family but, it's our family.
Nobody gets everything in this life. You decide your priorities and you make your choices. I'd decided long ago that any cake I had would be eaten. ~Donald E. Westlake
And yes, there will be cake.
Monday, July 8, 2013
When I read...
I came across this quote a few days ago and I did share it elsewhere, it's been taunting me "blog-it, blog-it, blog-it" ever since.
When I was about eight, I decided that the most wonderful thing, next to a human being, was a book. ~Margaret Walker
It's true. When I was about 8, my father left home and never returned. It was then, I learned that books were truly the best of friends. I keep thinking about what happens when I read.
When I read...
I'm tranported to a different place, where families are together, parents don't fight, and children are happy.
When I read...
Moms bake cookies, love, cherish and protect their children.
When I read...
I find forgiveness, loyalty, and bonds that are always restored.
When I read...
Obstacles are overcome, fears disappear, relationships are mended.
When I read...
Everything once broken can forever be fixed.
When I read...
Friendships either last forever or come back together.
When I read...
I get lost in my imagination, in the story, in the characters and I create a little spot for myself, and just maybe I can live here and have these memories instead of my own.
When I read...
Someone kisses my skinned knees.
When I read...
I become someone's whole world.
When I read...
I forget where I came from.
When I read...
I remember my hometown.
When I read...
I remember why I left home.
When I read...
I understand what it feels to be left behind.
When I read...
I don't have to hide to be unseen.
When I read...
I'm reminded of everything I missed.
When I read...
I'm reminded of everything that I have.
When I read...
I wish my childhood had been different.
When I read...
I realize it could have been so much worse.
When I read...
I can't hear her screaming.
When I read...
I long for a mother.
When I read...
I miss my father.
When I read...
I understand why he left her.
When I read...
I wish he could have taken me with him.
When I read...
I understand.
When I read...
I can forget.
When I read...
It still hurts.
When I read...
It doesn't hurt as much.
When I read...
The wounds heal.
When I was about eight, I decided that the most wonderful thing, next to a human being, was a book. ~Margaret Walker
It's true. When I was about 8, my father left home and never returned. It was then, I learned that books were truly the best of friends. I keep thinking about what happens when I read.
When I read...
I'm tranported to a different place, where families are together, parents don't fight, and children are happy.
When I read...
Moms bake cookies, love, cherish and protect their children.
When I read...
I find forgiveness, loyalty, and bonds that are always restored.
When I read...
Obstacles are overcome, fears disappear, relationships are mended.
When I read...
Everything once broken can forever be fixed.
When I read...
Friendships either last forever or come back together.
When I read...
I get lost in my imagination, in the story, in the characters and I create a little spot for myself, and just maybe I can live here and have these memories instead of my own.
When I read...
Someone kisses my skinned knees.
When I read...
I become someone's whole world.
When I read...
I forget where I came from.
When I read...
I remember my hometown.
When I read...
I remember why I left home.
When I read...
I understand what it feels to be left behind.
When I read...
I don't have to hide to be unseen.
When I read...
I'm reminded of everything I missed.
When I read...
I'm reminded of everything that I have.
When I read...
I wish my childhood had been different.
When I read...
I realize it could have been so much worse.
When I read...
I can't hear her screaming.
When I read...
I long for a mother.
When I read...
I miss my father.
When I read...
I understand why he left her.
When I read...
I wish he could have taken me with him.
When I read...
I understand.
When I read...
I can forget.
When I read...
It still hurts.
When I read...
It doesn't hurt as much.
When I read...
The wounds heal.
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