600!

I've thought a lot about getting to this point.   I noticed a few posts ago that I was nearing another milestone.  I like milestones, they're like progress to me.  I've made it this far, now how much further can I go?

I asked for some suggestions on what to write about at 600 and Then & Now sounds kind of fun.  I went back through some of my first posts and to tell you the truth (not that I can lie because when I do lie, I forget that I lied and I just get all tangled up so, why bother?), I was a little embarrassed and kind of felt like a big dumb dork!

So, what has changed?

I started Random Thoughts in the summer of 2007.  Jacob was 2 years old.  I had zero faith in God. My marriage was hanging by a fraying thread.  I was still pissed over our infertility issues.  I was miserable, bitter, and just trying to get through everyday.  We sent yet another pass along dog to a new home. Friends have come and gone.  And still no matter what I said or did I felt I was under a microscope.  I felt I was being judged by so many at every (mis)step.

Almost 5 years and 599 posts, I have been writing here and so much has changed.

I am now the proud momma of a 7 year old First Grader!  We made it through Kindergarten, birthday parties, a whole bunch of laughs and barrels of tears.  We have met all of our Police, most of the firefighters and the Paramedics/EMTs wave to us every time we see them.  Any visit to a new town - we must find their fire station.  We have been through tubes in his ears twice now, a couple of granuloma removals.  Jacob sleeps in his own bed most every night.  He reads like a champ and I am so, so in love with this kid!  He's cute.  He's funny.  He is the love and light of my life.

I can see God's plan for me now.  That there actually was/is a plan all along. I see that God didn't allow me to bear a child not because He didn't want me to have one, not to punish me but, because He was sending Jacob to me.  Jacob needed me.  I needed him.  I now see how that puzzle was coming together and the results.  I see the reasons and the whys.  I am no longer angry with God.  Actually, He and I are closer than ever.  I am still struggling with church but, I believe in time, that answer will come as well.  I am learning every day to be a better mom.  At this point, I am nearing 40 - I am the same age my mom was when she had me - and I know my limitations.  I know that one child is enough.  I would never, ever trade my Jacob and honestly, I don't want another.  I am thrilled with what God has given to me!

Miraculously, that fraying thread my marriage was hanging from has turned into a thick, tightly woven rope.  I am blessed to have married someone who has become my best friend.  We have fought, argued, torn down and rebuilt our fortress together.  We have built a family full of love, trust, and friendship.  We still have our not so finer moments but, we're not perfect and we will always be in the process of building something bigger/better/stronger together.  I tell him often that I couldn't imagine a single day without him and I mean every word.

I had said I didn't want another child yet, our family still didn't feel quite complete.  In August of 2010, my beautiful brown Kelsey dog, aka: Kelsey Jo/Kelbee/Brown Dog/Brownie/Sister joined us and put her paw prints on our hearts.  We picked her out of 8 other puppies and have loved her since the day she arrived.  She is my first dog I have ever raised from a puppy and kept.  She is beautiful.  She's so smart, so sweet, and so cuddly.    She is every bit a momma's girl.  She goes to the window to watch for me to come home and sleeps by me every night.. We have had our trials with her - when all her hair started falling out and then there is the expensive dog food, medications, and her favorite treats and toys.  I often tell Jeremy, "You know, I'm going to be a mess when she goes."  And I will.

I've lost a few friends, contact with my mother, I have learned that I am an Empath, or a sponge, I soak up the negativity of others and apply it to myself.  I am learning to avoid those people and be more selective in what I engage myself in with regard to relationships.  I have learned that I am me, I can only be me, just like you can only be you, and what you think of me, is up to you.  It doesn't have anything to do with what I think of me. 

I look back on the other 599 posts and I see see wisdom, I see love, I see loss.   I see strength, I see growth, I see change.  I see determination, I see plain old iron will and I see plum stupidity.  I see freedom.  I see laughter.  I see a family that is 5 years wiser.  5 years stronger.  5 years better.  I see Us...I just see Us!

Happy 600 Random Thoughts.