Alone or Lonely?

“Friends are a strange, volatile, contradictory, yet sticky phenomenon. They are made, crafted, shaped, molded, created by focused effort and intent. And yet, true friendship, once recognized, in its essence is effortless.

Best friends are formed by time.

Everyone is some one's friend, even when they think they are all alone.

If the friendship is not working, your heart will know. It's when you start being less than perfectly honest and perfectly earnest in your dealings. And it's when the things you do together no longer feel right.

However, sometimes it takes more effort to make it work after all.

Stick around long enough to become some one's best friend.”
― Vera Nazarian, The Perpetual Calendar of Inspiration

I was talking with Jacob last night after he asked me if he could have a notebook to write a journal.  I asked him, "Did you know that mom writes in a journal?"

"No, I didn't know that."

I think of this more as an on-line journal.  I write about what comes to my mind.  I like to write about happy things and share funny thoughts, moments but, it's not always fun.  It's not always fun to be me.  I'm not writing this for your sympathies or encouragement. It's not about having someone else make me feel better, often times it's therapeutic to simply purge the words on to "paper" only the archaic process of pen and pad are more threatening to me and I prefer typing over ink.  I guess you can think what you want - that's part of the problem anyway.

There has been some talk about some one in our house who is turning '40' this summer.  She wants a gathering of some sort but, she knows that no one else will take the time to plan it and care about the small things as much as she does.  She wants to celebrate but, she believes no one would want to celebrate (commiserate) with her.  She wants friends but, feels she is always alone, as if she has none.  At least not any close enough.  She doesn't know what to do for this birthday.  If she wants to do anything at all.  And she's really sad that it has come to be like this, that she's so sad.

I have very few people that I am close to.  I have Jeremy.  I have a good friend from Jr. High School.  I don't have a "Best Friend".  I don't have that one person I can call anytime to laugh or cry.  I'm not close with my sisters or my sister-in-laws.  I guess it seems everyone is always either busy thinking I'm the baby and I don't know anything or I'm so spoiled I don't deserve more than I everything I've already been "handed".  It's difficult for me to trust people, to put myself out there - too many years of feeling undeserving.  It's easy for me to be myself, to laugh, to be fun but, I'm serious too.  I'm not moody.  I'm intense.  There is a difference.  It's hard to find someone who is willing to get through that, so see the more.

But, most times, it's just life.  Plain and simple life just gets in the way.  People grow, people change, people move away, have kids/families and life just happens.  You meet people, and you see potential in making friends but, it's hard to get it all together, the kids, the job, family time - it's hard to make all that work and we stop trying to be friends.  The potential fizzes out and next thing you know you're changing aisles in the grocery store to avoid them.

I have always been somewhat of a loner, and I really don't mind being alone.  I never have been afraid to be alone. I'm a reader.  I can get lost in a good book and forget all about being alone.  I get tired of being lonely.  I get tired of having a husband that is gone all the time.  My son is growing up and into his own interests - without me.  And that's okay.  I'm not the Homecoming Queen type.  I don't want hundreds of friends and the social calendar to squeeze my family into.  I want a friend to call and say "Let's go out for lunch." or even just a friend to call.  Everyone needs a friend.

“Sometimes life is too hard to be alone, and sometimes life is too good to be alone.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage