Retirement

I was feeling sorry for myself yesterday and it felt really good to get all of that out. I've been carrying those feelings for a long time. Though it is true - I do spend A LOT of time alone. I do get tired of never having my husband home with me - and I really mean never! I want to be a regular family that does regular things - together. Yet, those wants or feelings are never going to change, Jeremy's job isn't going to change, and I have to work full-time so, I have to figure out how to fit what I need to do for myself into this life that I already have. Maybe I just need to be thankful that Jeremy does have Easter weekend off, despite him having to work on Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, Father's Day, and all those other days when I want him home.

My sister put it into a unique perspective for me - Think of that woman who's husband is a REAL asshole, and she has to go home to him EVERY single night. Be glad you're not her!

Now I told all of you what I really want to do with my time and what I don't. I've found a solution - I simply need to retire.

It's true, I'd love nothing more than to be retired. Think about it - retirement would solve all of my problems. I could read. I could write more. I could visit my sister. I could blog. I could quilt. I could sew those awesome hooded towels that everyone loves. I could crochet afghans for new babies and dish clothes for us oldies that love them. I could make my chocolates for every holiday. I could run on my own clock, spend time with Jeremy when he IS home. I could set my own hours and a job wouldn't get in my way. Yet, I'd still have a solid income. I guess that's why we all have dreams...sadly, retirement is 20+ years away.

Can you imagine what my stack of books that I want to read is going to look like in 20+ years!?!

In all honesty, I do get very tired of what this life is for me right now. I get frustrated when my husband doesn't see my misery let alone attempt to understand it. My post yesterday did help. Sometimes, I do resent Jeremy for the choices he's made, yet not for the responsibility of my choices. After all, it is about choices, isn't it? I choose this life for me. I could choose to ditch my husband and child to pursue my wants. I choose not to. I could hire teenage girls to baby-sit Jacob while I take a class here or there. I choose to be responsible about his care. I could leave my child with his grandparents every chance I had to run off and do my thing but, we chose Jacob and I choose to be his mom. I choose to be with my son every chance I get. I choose to take care of my home, my husband and my child. I choose to not follow my dreams - for now. I'm choosing to wait for retirement.