Alone time.

I used to enjoy my alone time. Time before Jacob was born. Time that I had to do what I wanted, go when I wanted, sleep when I wanted, and be alone when I wanted. I used a lot of my time while Jeremy was working to work on our house, to crochet, to read, to sew and yes, sometimes to just watch TV and nothing more.

Then came Jacob. The alone time still wasn't bad. I was always tired. Always doing laundry, doing dishes, and changing diapers! I'd put Jacob down for the night and most nights, I'd put myself down too.

As Jacob is getting older, so is this alone time. I've done enough laundry, enough dishes, and the diapers are gone. I put Jacob down for the night and I stare mindlessly at the television alone.

I do most everything alone - this month is no exception. Guess how many days off Jeremy and I have together this month? Guess!?! Zero, zip, nil, none, nada. That's right - not even one. Not only that, half of Jeremy's weekend days, are long days, leaving me home alone with Jacob all day. It's not that I can't handle him all day but, it makes for a long day as Jacob's A-#1, most fun thing to do is to bug me (and I don't mean pester, I mean do really naughty things that get him in the corner, run from me in stores, run out of stores, throw fits in stores - that kind of bug!). It means that I have to do fun things with Jacob - alone. It means that I have to run errands with Jacob - alone. It means that I have to punish him - alone. I can go visit - but I still come home to an empty house and sometimes, that's worse than just staying there in the first place. It's like ALONE is there again flashing in purple neon from my window - blink-blink-blinketty-blink, waiting for my return.

I lose interest in reading - there isn't anyone to share the story with, and you can't find anything to put you into your own self better than a book! I don't have anyone to crochet for. And hauling out my sewing machine to put everything away again later that night so Jacob doesn't run off with my sewing scissors doesn't appeal to me either. There are always house projects to do too - alone. I have no ambition left for these things anymore. To figure it out by myself, buy all the stuff by myself, do all the prep work by myself and then finish the job by myself, and then show it to who? Oh yeah, Me. I should have a sense of accomplishment, huh? Not anymore. I think that left with the 20th project I finished - alone. What is the use if the one person I want to appreciate my talents the most is never here to see them?

One would think all of this time alone would lend to other things I want to do since I'm alone. And I do. It does. I have fantastic dreams for myself. I want to take a writing class, a photography class, and in reality I've cancelled going back to school because I can't. I can't get around Jeremy's schedule. And with only 2 nights a week that I see him - do I want to give those up too? On top of everything else? It's bad enough that Jeremy's schedule can't even coincide with Jacob's therapy this month, how can I expect it to work around my class schedule too? Then again, I have Jacob at home every night (alone) - when is there time to read, or write, or take pictures, or do anything at all that's just for me?

And that leads me back around again to staring mindlessly at my television dreaming of the things I want to do rather than be alone. Yet there I will be, still alone.