When I was confirmed in the Lutheran Church, my parents gave me a blue Bible embossed with my name in gold letters on the front. I've carried that Bible with me every where I have lived. At some places, it was set out on a table, some stored in a drawer, now on the bookshelf in our den. Sadly, the only time it is opened is to store another Remembrance Card from another funeral.
My best friend from high school lost her mom to a courageous 14 year battle with breast cancer this past week. The funeral was yesterday. I came home from Manistee and added another card to my safe place inside my Bible. Everytime I add a card, I look through them all and remember those I have lost. This morning though, I was remembering Jean's funeral yesterday and I was so moved by the strength of her kids and this family that Jean left behind. We all witnessed a tender moment at the funeral when her kids gathered around the urn, with arms around each other, remembering, loving their mother. As I sat in my seat watching them, I felt one single warm, wet tear run down my cheek.
I was sad for them, for losing their mother. I think though, I was more sad at the thought of losing mine. And not because I'd miss her - I'd miss her because she IS my mother but, she never WAS a mother and I don't love her for the things she did as a mother but, because she is my mother. I was sad in knowing that we didn't come together as a family like that when we lost my dad. I'm certain we won't when we lose my mom. All I remember in losing my dad was feeling terribly alone. I was, maybe happy for them to have that closeness, yet it hurt to know that we, as a family don't.
As I'm there at the funeral thinking all of this through, this song was played and it couldn't have been more fitting. (sorry to hit y'all with song lyrics - again!)
Cryin' for me
(Toby Keith)
Got the news on Friday mornin’
But a tear I couldn’t find
You showed me how I’m supposed to live
And now you showed me how to die
I was lost till Sunday mornin’
I woke up to face my fear
While I’m writing you this goodbye song
I found a tear
I’m gonna miss that smile
I’m gonna miss you my friend
Even though it hurts the way it ended up
I’d do it all again
So play it sweet in heaven
‘Cause that’s right where you wana be
I’m not crying because I feel so sorry for you
I’m crying for me
I got up and dialed your number
And your voice came on the line
That old familiar message
I heard a thousand times it just said
Sorry that I missed you
Leave a message and god bless
I know you think I’m crazy
But I had to hear your voice again
I’m gonna miss that smile
I’m gonna miss you my friend
Even though it hurts the way it ended up
I’d do it all again
So play it sweet in heaven
‘Cause that’s right where you wana be
I’m not crying because I feel so sorry for you
I’m crying for me
I feel a guilty, a little selfish, thinking of myself when my friend lost her mom. And then I think - isn't that what we're supposed to take from a funeral? Aren't we supposed to come away thinking about how we can improve our lives?
I think we all probably find ourselves doing the same thing at funerals - thinking about our own lives, what we've lost, what we never had, what we wish for for the future - and then we all probably feel a little selfish and guilty about it. But you're right, I think funerals are about more than just the person who has passed, I mean, don't get me wrong, it is obviously about them, but it is also a time for each one of us to reflect on our lives. Thinking about you today.
ReplyDeleteI think Kate said what I'm thinking really well. Though funerals are really about honoring the person who has passed, it is human nature to then start pondering our own lives after being reminded of how quickly loved ones (or ourselves) can be taken from this world. I hope that you're feeling glad that you went to support your friend and honor your friend's mother, even if it stirred up a lot of thoughts that might not be so pleasant. I also hope you're starting to feel a little better.
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