Sink or Swim?

It's not a secret. Edna wasn't/isn't a hands on or a helpful parent to her children. She wasn't a mother to us - she's even worse as a grandparent. And I'm just going to stop here before I go into an ugly tirade far off from my goal of this post.

Edna made it clear to her children that she wasn't going to be counted on as a baby-sitter. It was always clear to us that 'moving back home' wasn't an option. Never mind that we all couldn't wait to get out of her house that none of us ever would come back. There is no limit to what I would do to avoid 'moving back home' and I AM NOT kidding you! I would work 10 jobs at $5 an hour and live out of my car before I moved in with her - Yes, I am considering my small child in this equation.

Edna wasn't much of a help to us. Sure, she loaned money (of which I can proudly say I have paid back ALL of my loans) but, most times it wasn't worth the head/heart ache to borrow it. We're talking signing promissory notes here. Daily badgering of the money YOU borrowed and when you were going to start to repay it. As well as a lifetime of her telling anyone who will listen that she gave you money. Asking for Edna's help resulted in more tears and arguements than it did help. Especially as I've gotten older.

It may sound cold and heartless to you, the way my mother is and maybe it is - I won't lie to you - it hurts more often than not but, I think to myself at times, You know Gail, where would you be if you thought you could always go back and have your mommy rescue you? Why does your mommy need to solve this problem? Is it HER problem? OR is it a problem YOU created as a result of your own poor choices? Yes, a lot of things could have been a lot easier with help from my mother. Is anything learned by having someone else fix your mistakes? Is anything worth having ever easy? Could I take pride in her having done it for me? As it is, I have pride in myself.

I'm proud of myself for being as independent as I am. I'm proud of myself for knowing that I am able to do what I need to do for myself and for my family to survive. I like knowing that I can do it. That I am swimming.