This is why I said what I said

I had written in my last post about living for the now, about making your memories better before you have a child, and bringing that child into a home without pain. I said what I said because I didn't do that myself. I had written this some time ago and I'm going to share with you what it was like for me because I didn't deal with my infertility until after Jacob came home.

We met Amber in July of 2005 and I was thrown into a complete tailspin. I didn’t know where to go, what to do, or where to begin. I had a baby coming in a few months – a lot of hurt, a marriage almost in the toilet, and this amazing girl wanting to give me a child. I had to figure out how the whole process works, hire an attorney, get a home study – yeah, a home study – shit – they were going to find out that I wasn’t okay. They were going to find out that our marriage was crap, and that every time I saw a baby or heard someone was pregnant that I wanted to rage. I had to clean it up and quick-like. So, I threw a sheet over it all and away we went.

When Jacob was born, we had to abide by hospital rules and Amber’s best interest. We didn’t get to celebrate at the hospital and invite everybody up to see our new son. The hospital acknowledged Jeremy and I and gave us a lot of the same permissions as Amber but, those three days were her time with her son, and time for her to see how we were with him. Also, we didn’t want her to feel bad by making a big celebration in the wake of her loss. The nurses were cruel to Amber and to us as it was so, no point in making things worse. The hospital wouldn't discharge Jacob with us so they discharged him with Amber. The day we left the hospital with Jacob, we had to go straight to the lawyer and take Amber with us - she had to sign papers too. Who brings their new baby home and has to stop off at the lawyer to sign papers? My son was almost 4 days old before I had time with him all to myself! Then for six months, we had to watch everything we did. Our case worker could show up on our doorstep at any time and they could take Jacob away from us. Amber and Rob EACH had 30 days to change their minds – all they had to do was prove us unfit. We didn’t know what unfit meant but, we knew she could take her child back! We were scared. We didn’t want to lose Jacob. We kept to ourselves, where we could control what happened, where we could watch him every second. If we did that, everything would be perfect, the adoption would be final and we wouldn’t have to worry about anybody taking him away.

Jacob’s adoption paper came in the mail on July 16, 2006. We were his parents, he was our child. Right there in black and white, complete with the court seal. Most kids come with a birth certificate. Jacob came with two birth certificates, and adoption papers. Even on the best day of my life, I have to be reminded of my infertility.

There was one point, I think Jacob was 4 or 5 months old. Jeremy's parents had come to see Jacob for an afternoon. I knew his mom was bubbling over wanting to tell us something and when she said her daughter was pregnant again with twins, I just lost it. I handed Jacob off to Jeremy and ran to my room and cried. I heard his parents leave, and Jeremy brought Jacob up to see if I was okay. I was so hurt. I was so angry. I couldn't understand how this could happen. I didn't understand how God could be so cruel to me. I will never forget that day. It was at that point when I realized I needed to get control of this. I had a beautiful child smiling at his mom. He doesn't care how he got here. He doesn't know any differently. To him, I'm his mom. I'm holding on to all this crap, and he just wants his mom. I'm his mom.

I think often about that day, about that time. About the moment when I realized I had to deal with my pain, my jealousy, my failures, my hurts, my shame, my inadequacies, and don't want to forget it.

I wish now, that I would have been happier when Jacob was a newborn. I wish I would have had a clearer mind. I would have taken more pictures of his teeny toes and his long fingers. I would have savored my time with him instead of being scared and scarred. I can't get that time back.

Jeremy and I have worked very hard to get our friendship back. We did some therapy. Mostly, we talk a lot and about everything. We have learned to take down walls and open doors. I think we've healed pretty well. I also think his ADHD-I has actually been a blessing of sorts for us. It's helping me understand what is going on with him. It's helping him be able to focus and accomplish. We're stronger now together. We've learned it's easier to present a united front. Most importantly, we love each other, very much.

I still worry sometimes about losing my son. Someone reports us to Child Protective Services to open an investigation - I wouldn't put it past some people. I can't live scared anymore. I focus now on making Jacob's childhood the best I can. I focus on Matchbox cars, big trucks, wagon rides, coloring books, swings, slides, and sandboxes. I make a point of giving hugs and kisses at any time. I read books. I do silly things like eat pudding for breakfast on our kitchen floor, dance crazily to kids music, and sing funny songs.

I realize that it doesn't matter, the hurts in my heart, it doesn't matter how I got to be Jacob's mom. I am his mom. It's what I did from the moment I became his mom and forward that matters. I don't think my best self was in there. I don't think I was the best I could be. I don't like having those regrets. I don't like looking back at the ugliness and I wish I would have done it differently, done it better.

That's why I said what I said...