Goodnight Grandpa Web

No, I'm not going for a record number of posts this month. I have a lot to get off of my mind.

In our stairway, I have three collage frames. One with pictures of Jeremy before me, one with pictures of me before Jeremy - including one of me with my dad, and the third has pictures of Jeremy and I together. When putting Jacob to bed, we pass those frames, Jacob always says goodnight to Daddy, then I say "Say goodnight to Grandpa Web." and Jacob usually waves. Last night though, on his own accord, my Jacob blew Grandpa Web a kiss. I hugged my sweet boy and I cried.

Jacob is the only one of my dad's grandchildren that he didn't get to meet. He didn't get to hold him, kiss him, or smile proudly at him. I know my dad is beaming from Heaven, watching over his youngest grandson. I can see his big smile, and those deep dimples on both cheeks - if only in my mind. Sometimes when I look at my Jacob, I'm amazed to see that same smile. I know my dad would love Jacob as much as he loved his biological grandchildren and I know he's just as proud.

I didn't have a good relationship with my dad. I regret that now. I wish I would have gone to see him more, talked to him more, did more, been there the day he died. He was 46 years old when I was born. He'd already had Multiple Sclerosis before I was even a thought. He moved out of our house when I was 8 years old. I didn't know him. I didn't understand. I got into the teenage girl phase and it got worse. My parents divorced when I was 16. It was a messy divorce. I chose to stay away. He died before I was adult enough to understand everything that had happened.

In the end, it all comes down to a matter of choices. The things we choose to do, to say, to remember, or to forget. We choose to make relationships or ignore them. I made choices regarding my father, I have to live with them now, it's too late to fix them. I hope I can make better choices with Jacob and not make more regrets.

I like bedtime with Jacob and as our "Say goodnight to Grandpa Web" routine continues, I'll say goodnight to my dad, I'll miss him, and I know there will always be a few tears for my daddy. I hope Grandpa Web hears our 'good nights', and he knows just how much we love him.