I had originally planned to post something else today but, as I was updating myself on the other blogs I frequent, I came across something I feel, I need to address more than what I was planning to say before, needs to be told.
I feel a little guilty, a little out of place, celebrating Mother's Day too. I know that I am a mom, and I deserve it and all that crap you're going to tell me but, sometimes...my failures sneak in too. I wait for the day when Jacob tells me I'm not his real mom. Not to mention, after listening to Edna complain because her children didn't do anything for her for mother's day (I sent a card from us, one from Jacob and I called. I don't know what the other 4 did - I didn't ask!), after all she's done for them, doesn't help. We all like to be reminded of what horrible children we are. Don't we?
I keep telling my mother that these things she complains about are the things a mom is supposed to do. She's supposed to drive us everywhere, give us money, buy us clothes and shoes. She's supposed to work hard to give us the things we need, to put food on our table. She's supposed to pay the doctors, the dentists, and the parochial schools. She's supposed to let her teeth fall out and fix ours. She's supposed to put off her new winter coat for one more year because her kid needs new boots. She's supposed to stay up all night with a sick child and go to work the next morning because she can't afford to lose a days pay. She's supposed to run us back and forth from college, pick us up in the middle of the night when we're scared. She's supposed to come to school plays, sports, and Christmas programs. She wants a reward for these things. Things she's supposed to do. Wasn't I reward enough? Did I ask to be born?
I know, too well, the ups, the downs, of TTC and I know how agonizing, terrifying and emotionally draining it truly is. I know the pain of losing a much wanted child. I know how it feels to want to be a mom so much that it consumes your everything. I know you think I forgot because, maybe to you, my problems should be solved, I have a kid. They're not. I still have the hope (a very small hope) that someday - maybe we'll go back to try again. Someday maybe we'll miraculously conceive a child. I don't know if it's important enough to me to put my marriage back into a living hell or to make Jacob feel as if he's not enough for me. Nothing is worth that.
I have to ask this though. Are you really ready to have a child? Are you ready to go to a party, wearing a brand new shirt, and have your child get hurt and bleed all over you as soon as you get there? Are you ready to have everyone stare at you in the grocery store like you're the worst mother ever while your child screams because he can't have gum? Are you ready to give up vacations, new clothes, or new shoes because you have hospital bills to pay for the tubes so your kid can hear? Are you ready to argue with your parents or in-laws because they don't agree with your way of raising your child? Are you ready to argue with your husband about every other aspect of raising this child? Are you ready for your marriage as it is right now to change completely? I could give you a hundred questions but the answer is still the same. No. Is there anything in this world that is bad enough to make me not want or love my child? No, there isn't! Not one. Is there anything that would make me want to give him back? No way!!
I know you think having a child will make your lives complete. I know they're cute and cuddly, and I know it seems like everyone is having one or has one and some even have two. I know how unfair it is because you don't. I'm just curious if you've given the other side much thought? I know I didn't. I'm not saying you shouldn't want a child with all of your hearts. I'm not saying you don't deserve a child. I'm not saying that you don't have reason to hurt the way you hurt. I just want you to think about the changes you're going to face and get as ready as you can for them. I really want you to think about your state of mind and where you are emotionally at this point. Do you really want to conceive your child in the nasty, 'I'm pissed off at everything' shit attitude or bring your beautiful, new baby to the home where you keep picking at your old scars?
Think about it. Once the time has passed, you can't replace it. You can't cover those ugly memories with better ones.
** I'm not upset, please don't think so. I hate to see TTC doing this to people. I want you to look at the better things and cherish them. I want you to be the people I know you are and not these sad, hurt people. I want you to look at what's here, what's now and make the best of that before getting so discouraged over something that's not here yet. Fix the now, the later will come soon enough.
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