The first time I was here was November 1st, 1983. The night of my sister's funeral. I was 10. We didn't have a graveside service for her but, as I found out much later, we all went to the cemetary that night, at different times to say another good bye.
We all came back here together in September 1999 when I was 26 to bury my dad.
As I stood there with everyone this time, I kept thinking, "I'm 41. And I'm here, again. 41. The third time and now burying my mom. It's not fair. I'm too young to bury my parents, to lose my sister. It's just not fair! I don't want to be an orphan!"
Notice I didn't say victim?
Because I'm not.
I'm okay. I don't feel sorry for myself and no, I still haven't shed many tears losing my mom. There are some who think I should break down in a flood but, it's not time. I don't know when I will but, I do know it will come when I least expect it. Or not. It might not come at all. Me not shedding a slew of tears doesn't mean I didn't love my mother or that I wanted anything from her death, it simply means I haven't processed it all yet.
In my heart of hearts I believe God gives us challenges. Some for us to learn, some for us to teach, some for us to help another. I don't believe He intended for us to walk around this Earth pointing out our own hurts to others to make them feel for us. I think He wants us to learn and use what we have learned to move forward, and share our experience to help someone else.
I have experienced much in this short time, yes. It's not what I have experienced that makes me who I am but, what I have learned from it, what I have drawn, how I have moved on or grown.
I am not a victim. I have experienced hurt and loss but, that isn't all that I am. I have experienced joy and happiness too. I like to think I am a combination of all those things. Victim is not in there.
As I hugged my sisters, my brother, and listened to the pastor with his guitar, I am thankful to have them, my family, as different as we are. They hold my past, my memories, my home and my history. They are each a key to my parents and a part of them like me.
There is one plot left at that cemetary and I truly hope it's not filled in my lifetime. I'll visit my family the next time I'm up home, and I'll cry a little for my family that I miss so much, I'll wish my sister were here to laugh and to tease my brother with me, I'll wish to see my dad's eyes sparkle with pride for me just one more time, and the next time, I'll add a wish for my mom and I'll miss her too...I'm sure...a few tears will fall just for her.
I'm not a victim. I don't need you to feel sorry for me. I don't need pity. There is so much more to enjoy when you move or look forward. When I miss my sister or my parents, I miss the good things about them. I don't dwell on the loss. I want Jacob to look back at me and remember the fun we had, not me being sad and bitter for my losses. I don't want him to remember a victim.
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