"Move the F* On"

"You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened...or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on"  ~Tupac Shakur

Odd selection for a quote, I know but, I'll make my point.  You'll see.

It's been a little over two weeks since my mom passed away.

My husband keeps asking me if I'm ok.  My in-laws find it odd that I don't need anything, any help. People don't understand that my mother and I weren't close.  They can't imagine going two years without speaking to their mother. No one really knows what to say to me.

Neither do I.

I've deleted and restarted this post at least ten times, no matter how I try, I cannot find words to adequately explain to you all of the things this woman, my mother wasn't.  Because you see, she wasn't your mom, you probably had a great mom and can't believe that any mom could ever be like mine.  I'm happy for you.  Seriously, I am happy for you. I'm not being a dick.

I have a handful of good memories with my mom and maybe one day, I'll be done being pissed off enough to share them.  Why am I pissed off?  Because she's gone and she'll never be sorry.  She'll never apologize.  She can never undo any of the damage.  She's gone and I'm left with this. Whatever "this" is.

These last couple of weeks, I've done a lot of people watching.  Watching how they act, how they treat other people, their kindness, or their truths.  What makes them laugh or how they handle tragedy.  I see people just being people.  Some are kind.  Some cruel.  Some are sly, some are direct.  I watched 51 people lose their jobs this week and each one of them reacted differently.  One thing I did come to understand, these people that are left are just here.  I'm not connected to them.  Even those by blood or by marriage, the choice is mine.  I can choose.  I can like them or not.  I don't have to be friends with anyone.  I don't have to like anyone.  The choice is all mine.

I'm not an over analyzer.  I'm more of an "it is what it is" person.

I've been looking at all of these pieces on my floor for a very long time.  You see, this girl had a daddy that liked jigsaw puzzles and this girl LOVED to help him.  We'd start with the edges, turning all the pieces over, trying this one, trying that one, and sometimes we'd come across one that we just couldn't fit anywhere - we'd just put it aside and come back to it later.  I think I'm kind of done with that approach.  I'm done with trying this piece or that, hoping it fits, trying to bring the picture together when the other pieces keep changing in front of me.  I'm done with chameleon puzzles.

Call me a quitter.  Say I gave up.  Maybe I am, in your eyes.

In my eyes, I know I am a fighter.  I've only changed the fight.  I'm fighting for me.  I'm leaving "the pieces on the floor" and I'm "moving the fuck on".