30 Truths - Day 10 - Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know

These are getting tougher...

There are people in all of our lives that maybe aren't ideal.  The ones who talk too loud, know it all, or don't treat us as we'd like to be treated.  Some may be related, some not but, we all have them, just think of my poor family - they have me!

I don't want to focus on any one person, that's not fair (or nice) but, I who have been thinking a lot about disconnecting from a very popular online social networking site, will share with you my peeves as of late.

If you recognize yourself I'm truly sorry if pointing it out offended you, just remember this:

“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better." - Anne Lamott

I'm so tired of the whiners, "How come you have?  Where did you get?  How come I didn't? Whaaa!  Whaa!  Whaa!"

And the mood changers, "I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm happy, I'm sad."  They change almost every 20 minutes.

The ones who try to show you how great their lives are - They only ever share when they take a trip, or eat out, or do something the rest of us would be jealous of (if we were jealous people).

And the know it all - they know the contents of every encyclopedia, every law book.  They know every rule and regulation and love to call you on it. 

The perfect parents:  They just disgust me beyond words.  Yet, those parents who take these perfect parents to heart and judge their parenting by it, make me sad.  None of us are perfect!

The chronic liker:  They like every. Single.  Post.  You passed a test = Like.  Your dog died =  Like. This may never have happened to me nor could I possibly understand what you mean, I just like, like, like, like.

The drama queen:  My boyfriend slept with my best friend who is his best friend's sister's mother's brother's baby momma but, they're still friends and I looooove him and we're going to get married.

The Prom King and Queen - busy, busy, busy, friends, friends, friends, go, go, go, anything goes - we love everyone and we're having a ball - Just look at us! 

And then there's me - you never know what you're going to read or what I'm going to share and share often, maybe too often.

And so many, many more.

Social media has it's pluses.  I love being in contact with my cousins again, aunts and of course my sisters nieces, nephews and old friends but sometimes, every once in awhile I can't help but wonder if some people were just meant to stay in your past.  I believe that people we meet come along to either teach us something or to learn something.  By keeping them at our fingertips are we just creating more trouble for ourselves?  Are we interfering with the natural order?

Social media often just makes my blood boil.  Sure, it's easy to say "block" or "delete" but, it's not as easy to do - especially when/if people are confrontational or you post so often that people would notice if you suddenly disappeared.  It's kind of all or nothing, sometimes I wish I had never started.

30 Truths - Day 9 - Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted.

Someone?  One?  Sadly there are many.

When I left my little hometown, I, without knowing it would happen like this, without knowing I'd lose friends because of it, grew up, changed, moved on, revamped, almost every part of my life.  Slowly, ever so slowly, the things I once saw as fun - drinking, smoking, staying out late - all transitioned into things I didn't really want to do anymore.  The people that I hung around with wanted to keep going in this life but, it just wasn't the road I wanted.  Maybe it wasn't the road they wanted either but, I had the opportunity to move on, to improve, to make better choices and I took it.

When I started working down here, I knew I had a chance to reinvent myself.  No one knew me.  No one knew my family.  No one knew I'd been fired from my last job.  No one knew ANYTHING other than what I wanted to tell them.  I took that totally to heart.  Maybe to the extreme.  I didn't tell much about my life back home.  I worked hard, worked all I could, made new friends and a new name for myself.  All by myself.

I got really tired of always being the one to do.  I was always the one to do the traveling, to go back home. No one wanted to make the drive (effort) to come see me.  I could make the drive every weekend for every little thing every one wanted me to attend but, no one ever wanted to make that effort for me.  I began to question, what TRUE friends had I made?

I think it was my brother who said, you'll begin to notice every time you come home you'll see the same people doing the same thing they were doing when you left.  They'll cut you down every chance they get but, just watch, they'll still be there.  I began to think of the guys I hung out with in the bar - I'd been gone from home for about 7 years and this one guy who was sitting in the bar the day I left home was still sitting there every time I came back through town.  Same guy, miserable in the same job, with the same money problems, sitting on the same stool, drinking the same beer, bitching the same speech!  I knew then, I was the change.  I had the opportunity to do, to be, to change.  And I did!

As my job changed, I began to see people differently, and I'm sure to some I became snobby or stuck up.  I guess in a way, maybe I am.  I've learned that I can, as I call it, let my inner hillbilly run wild and free or...not.  I've learned that I choose.

As I changed, my tolerance for drama queens and bullshitters is not what it once was.  I don't tolerate either of them very well.  As I get older, it's more and more difficult to hide my intolerance.

As my thoughts changed, it was less about me.  It's not about my needs or my wants.  It's about my child, my husband, my family - it's about what they need.  About what they want.  Everything I do reflects on them.  I am responsible to be my best.  They deserve that.

I look at myself and this person I have become.  I'm still just as fun, I'm still just as mouthy, as 'speak my mind' as I've always been.  My morals, my values, my principles remain the same as they always have.  I've just grown up and it's important to me to live them.

I have lost some good friends through all of this.  I'll always be sorry/sad for that.  I wholeheartedly believe that there are no coincidences in life.  God brings us the people we need when we need them.  At every moment in my life, God brought me the right people.  I hope he gave me to someone at a moment when they needed me.  I hope they are sorry/sad and miss me too.

30 Truths - Day 8 - Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

I worked almost all through high school, after school, on weekends.  I didn't mind.  I had a boyfriend that lived in a different town and calling him was long distance.  I needed a job to pay the phone bill...and buy shoes.

I started working at this fast food restaurant somewhere in my Junior year.  I had a small idea of what I was getting into as one of my older sisters and my brother also worked there.  What I didn't know was one of the managers would hate me based simply on my sister being my sister.  This girl had started working there as a teenager with my sister and was EXTREMELY jealous of the relationship my sister had with the family who owned this restaurant. It didn't matter that my sister was now dead. My brother worked there for a short time, and this woman deemed him "a quitter that couldn't take it".  Yeah.  It was like that.

She talked about me behind my back to the other employees, most of which I went to school with.  I remember one year, we did secret Santa for our Christmas party, not only did she tell the girl I had picked that I had her name, she told her what I'd bought her as well.  Shame on me for trusting her enough to share. She would change my schedule after the owner had written it to better accommodate her minions - generally this made it so I didn't work with her but, made my weekends a little tough.

I am allergic to that really cheap, pink dish-soap and we often ran out of the restaurant soap so they'd go over to the grocery store and buy that cheap pink crap.  If I use it, my hand and arms break out in an itchy red rash, my skin scales - it's gross.  On my shifts, she'd hide our regular dish-soap and put out that pink crap just for me.  I overheard her one evening telling one of the girls not to wash glasses in that soap, and watched as she took her to the office and gave her a cup of the other soap. What a gal!

One weekend morning, I was working with her in the kitchen, I rarely worked out front, this old woman came in.  She ordered her lunch and was sitting at a table eating it.  I was back in the kitchen, the counter girl (another one of her minions) was working out front and this old woman screams "I'm messing!" and runs for the bathroom.  Come to find out, this woman had shit herself at the table. Shit on the chair.  Shit on the floor.  A trail of yellow water shit on the floor all the way to the bathroom.  And of course, all over the bathroom.

Normally, front of house people are responsible for the front of house.  I was back of house.  BUT, since I was not one of her chosen ones, guess who got to clean up the mess?  Yep, lucky me.  She wouldn't give me any rubber gloves.  Nor would she allow me to leave the store and go purchase any.  As ignorant as she was, she didn't give me anything antibacterial or disinfecting to clean this shit up with either.  I mopped up the mess with hot water, took the chair out and sprayed it with the hose while she and her minions took turns watching from the door laughing at me.

I washed my hands and arms as best I could, using the hottest water I could stand and went back to work.  I went home that night and told my mom what had happened.  She made me scrub again from head to toe.  I wouldn't let her call the owners.  It would have only made the situation worse.  I quit there one week after graduation and never looked back.

I've also learned how to stand up for myself and never allow myself to be treated that way again!

30 Truths - Day 7 - Someone who has made your life worth living for.

I disagree with this statement.

I do not believe any one person is responsible for another person's happiness, worth or self worth.  I live my life for me not for anyone else.  I'm responsible for my actions, my morals, my thoughts and my deeds. I choose. No one else has that power over another person.  No one should have that power over another person.  It's taken me a long time to realize that I control this life.  I control who comes in and who goes out of it (sometimes), I control how I react or if I don't. Sure, I have responsibilities to my family - my husband, my son.  My husband does not dictate to me what my responsibilities are to him.  I choose them based on my morals and principles.  It's my responsibility with my husband to teach my child to love himself and embrace who he is.  To make his own way and follow his own path.  To stand up for his beliefs and to compromise when he can.  I wasn't taught that.

Enough soapbox talk.

There are many people in my life that I love dearly, that I couldn't imagine a moment without. People who help to make my life GREAT!

Jeremy and Jacob, of course.  I could do it without them.  I don't ever want to but, I could.  I love my husband and my child but, neither of them make my life worth living.  I do that.  They are part of me but, they don't make me.  I couldn't ask for a better partner or friend than my husband.  I cherish almost every moment with him.  There are a few he could keep to himself.  :)  And my Jacob, oh my Jacob.  This kid is my sun and my moon.  And he is me.  All of my faults - he has every one!  But, he also has my heart.  He loves BIG and he hugs tight!  Like my mom, to lose one of them would render me a different person.  I would survive it but, I don't think I'd want to.

My family.  I have lost one sister and I don't want to lose any more, I have three, very different, very awesome sisters and my one and only big brother, I couldn't imagine this life any differently than what it is. They're my siblings, some days are great, some not so great but, they're still my family and no matter what, I love them all.  Seriously, did you really think you could take 5 fiercely independent, (I mean this in a good way and I'm speaking of myself here too) stubborn, opinionated and determined people, put them together and have us all never, ever disagree, never argue, never get angry?  Wow!  You must be naive!  We can and we do disagree but, at the end of the day, they're still my family.  I don't care.  I still love them!  God knows I love them!  And they love me too!  Right?  You guys do love me?  Don'tcha?  Hello?

My in-laws.  It's been a very tough road.  Like magnets, no matter how hard you try two Norths won't come together nor will two Souths.  At times, you can let yourself slide and flip to make an attraction but, some things you just cannot compromise, can't flip.  I have learned a lot of lessons with them and I have many more to go.  I hope one day it gets easier to flip direction and come together more often. I do appreciate them and I haven't given up all hope.

My friends.  Man, do I have some amazing friends.  It's a short list.  It's a distinguished list.  I like quality, not quantity and I've picked some great ones.  Some new, a few old but, really, really terrifically, great people.  I wish some of us had remained close and I'm sad for some that I have lost but, alas that is another post (coming soon in this challenge).

I'm sitting here counting all of you and I'm glad you're here.  I've pulled out a few memories and smiled.  I've thought of a few others and choked back some tears.   Even though I can't say you have made my life "worth living for", you sure have given me a ton of laughs, a bucket of tears, a bushel of good times, and just a little pint of sadness.  I wouldn't trade a moment of it.  I cherish it all.

30 Truths - Day 6 - Something you hope you never have to do.

There is one thing, I hope and I pray I never, ever, never, ever have to do.

Bury my child.

Most of you know I lost my sister when I was 10 years old but, my mom and my dad, they both lost their child, their daughter.  I grew up in the shadow of their loss.  I was always watched in fear of losing me too.  Life changed after she was gone.  I always called when I was going to be late.  Never left the house with out a hug and always, always, always told my mom that I loved her.  I knew what it was to have someone you love leave home and never ever come back.

My dad wasn't home with us at the time so I don't remember any of his actions or reactions.  I remember my mom in those days. Her actions, her behaviors are not for me to condemn or to praise. I was only 10 at the time and my understanding is the understanding of a 10 year old.  Not a 40 year old, and not from the perspective of a mother. Simply said, my mother was a wreck.  She was totally irrational, off the deep end, out in left field.  What else could she be? She was a woman who had to bury her child.  No parent should ever have to bury their child.

I look back at my mom, and well, my mother is a story all in its own but, looking back now, I can see the things that never came back to her after my sister died.  My mom was never the same person.  She was changed, forever scarred.  Though all of us miss Valerie, I can see the portion cut from my mom where Val is missing.

Death is so strange and I say this as someone who speaks to the dead and I have spoken with both my sister and my dad.  My dad is free, free of his disease, free of his burdens.  I now understand why he was sent here, what his purpose was and he is with my sister.  My sister, she walks with me all of the time - with all of us.  I do know why she was put with us and why she was taken back to her heavenly home. I know what death is. Yet knowing this, and doing what I do, to lose my precious (precocious) Jacob, I would be ruined.  I don't know that I could come back.  That I wouldn't be forever scarred.

He used to often ask me if this one, or that one, the police, his firefighter friends, etc. would be sad when he died.  That sadness is immeasurable and many times I had to choke back my tears because I do know how sad all of these people my son has touched would truly be and it breaks my heart how many lives this kid has touched.

Most of all, mine.

30 Truths - Day 5 - Something you hope to do in your life.

You know sometimes, life just gets in the way of all of our best intentions.  I didn't intend for all this time (I haven't checked to see just how much time) to pass by since the last time I wrote.  Quickly - my kid went back to school, hubs got a promotion and for me, the year end shit hit the fan.  So sorry.  Let's get back to this task, shall we?  I'm excited to get back here and get writing again.

Something I hope to do in my life.

Well, I'm working on that.  As some of you know, I have found out that I have this CRAZY psychic/medium thing going on.  I didn't wake up one morning and decide "I'm going to hear dead people talking to me", it just kind of happened.  The more I tried to ignore it, the worse the migraines were getting.  I have learned to embrace it, to not be so afraid to share it, and to just go with it.  It's helped to restore much of my faith and really, it's helped me to become a better person.

Where am I going with this?

I want to continue on this path.  I think I want to work as a healer in some way, I'd like to keep taking classes to expand my knowledge (if there is anything left up there to absorb any more).

I'm enjoying this new peace within myself, my new relationship with God and my faith.  I keep thinking how I have only taken such small steps to get this far, what happens when I take bigger steps?

I'm not sure I really answered the question.

I'd like to pursue the psychic/medium avenue, eventually even full time.  I'd like to become a Reiki Master.  What is Reiki?  Healing through Energy is the best description.  I used the think a chiropractor was a quack until I hurt my back and went to one, so when I found this a few minutes ago - Quackwatch and well, there are skeptics and there are believers for just about everything!

I've never charged a fee for any of the work I have done.  In fact, the last three or four years, I have considered myself "in training".  I've worked with quite a few people and I've enjoyed learning and, I'm sure I'll consider myself as learning for a long time.  I am learning.  And I'm enjoying what I'm learning.  Isn't that as it should be?