30 Truths - Day 4 - Something you have to forgive someone for.

I took a little break for vacation.  And these are hard to write!

So, something I have to forgive someone for...

Well, I have a lot of people that I need to forgive for the same thing.

I have high expectations of myself.  I have high expectations of how people should be treated and how they should treat me, yet I don't think I do such a great job doing this myself.

It's hard for people to live up to expectations or follow the rules if you don't tell them what the rules or expectations are.  Or tolerating negative behavior without acknowledging your distaste for it.  I am guilty of this.  Very guilty.

I guess it sounds a little strange, why would I forgive someone for not living up to expectations that I have created?  Because in my mind, they've wronged me by failing me.  Knowingly or unknowingly, they have hurt me.  I need to forgive that hurt and let it go.

For instance, I help you out of a rough spot financially and you take your time paying me back while spending money on other things in the meantime.  You finally mutter a "thank you" and we part ways without you ever paying me back, without even acknowledging my help - not that I need the credit but, just to take the credit for yourself?.  I'm going to forgive you but, we're not going to stay friends and I'm not going to loan or do anything for you again.  Ever.

I allowed this to happen.  I forgive the behavior but, I can't forget that it happened.  I learned a lesson and lessons always stay with you.

We all expect to be treated fairly, with dignity, with respect but, it's very hard when others don't give it return.  What I'm saying is I forgive those who haven't treated me fairly in the past, those who cannot respect my feelings, my wishes or my self.   In some cases there have been new starts, time to gradually review and rebuild.  Sadly (or not) some are lost forever.

I guess forgiving is not forgetting. 

I'm learning to voice myself better, to stand up for my feelings, to say 'no' - that's the biggest one and to sort out the others.  I'm learning to not have expectations of people, to see through to their core, their intention.  I'm learning to make better choices.  Forgiving all the way.

30 Truths - Day 3 - Something I need to forgive myself for

Not being good enough.

Am I a good wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend, daughter-in-law?

Most times, I feel like a failure in all of these categories.  Some times I feel I'm hit or miss.

I often think back to my teacher and I think of how she failed me.  Things she should have shown me but, didn't.  Things she was that I should have never seen. Things she did in front me that I never should have seen. Should I have known better, earlier to have been able to make myself better?  How could I be better if my teacher didn't show me?  If she didn't lead by example?

You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.  ~  Anne Lamott

I'm always striving - and you've heard this hundreds of times - to be better.  To be better than I was taught or shown, to be better than the example set before me.  To do the right thing.  To be kind.

I love my child and I want to be a better example for him.  I don't ever want him to hear (and not that I would say this) me say he's selfish, or spoiled, or manipulative, or conniving.  I am not any of those things but, all of my life I have been told that I am.  There are times when he does jerky things or he's mean to me or someone else and I'm working very hard to talk with him and explain myself as opposed to call him names.

I love my sisters and I wish we would have been taught to embrace each other.  I wish just once, she would have said "That is your sister.  One day I will be gone and she will be all you have.  Be kind to her."  Instead I feel as if we were taught to go against each other, to hurt each other. Like there was a reward in being mean.  Maybe even to stab each other in the back.  Almost as if that was encouraged.  As if by her tearing us down, we couldn't unite against her.

Every person we meet crosses our paths for a reason.  To teach us or for us to teach.  It's not up to us to look down our noses at them for having less money, or less "class", education, fat, thin, black, white, more or less.  What is that Jesus says?

33But Peter said to Him, "Even though all may fall away because of You, I will never fall away."34Jesus said to him, "Truly I say to you that this very night, before a rooster crows, you will deny Me three times." 35Peter said to Him, "Even if I have to die with You, I will not deny You." All the disciples said the same thing too.

I don't know what your faith is or if you know this story but, Jesus came to the door 3 times, looking for food, looking for water, looking for shelter and 3 times he was denied.

How would I know if someone without education is my test?  How would I know if a "black" man was my test?  It's not my job to cast judgement on either of them.  It's my job to do what is right.  Do "fat" people deserve to not have friends?  Do "dirty" people not deserve a meal?  Do "poor" deserve to not have a drink?  Did her children not deserve kindness?  Did the people she was "friends" with deserve to have their secrets shared?  I thought all of this was ok.  I was taught to be like that!

I won't deny it again.  (Sadly we're in a day and age when it people cannot be trusted so I always go with my gut. When my gut tells me to do, I do.)

I need to forgive myself for not knowing any better, for not being shown any better and to simply do the best I can moving forward.

I'm working on it.  I'm learning.  I'm letting go.  And I'm doing it.

“Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it." ~ Ann Landers

30 Truths - Day 2 - Something I love about myself

Something I love about myself...something I love about myself...hmm...

This is really hard.  There isn't anything I LOVE about myself...that just seems so egotistical, too full of...me.  And that's not me.  I'm not full of myself.

I can't tell you what I LOVE about myself but, I can tell you some things I do like about me.

I like that I have common sense.

I am well read.

I am honest. Mostly because I'm too forgetful to lie.

I can cook.

I am determined.

I am strong-willed and stubborn.  Yes, I do like that about myself.

I do enough dumb things to be entertaining.  I am always good for a laugh.

I am never afraid to try - unless it involves heights or spiders - then never mind.

I am organized.  Sometimes overly.

I am fiercely independent. Fiercely.  Ask my husband about opening jars for me.

Integrity, and work ethic, are VERY important to me.

I don't give up or give in if I know I'm right.

I won't speak up if there is a chance I am wrong.

I complete most anything I start.

In this life, as a person and a parent, I think it's very important to love your inner self and I do.  I believe a positive body image and self confidence are very important things to have, very important things to teach our children.  I do love my self.  I am confident in my self but, I can't go off on a huge ego trip - tooting my own horn - that's not for me.  I'm not that way.

“Love yourself. Forgive yourself. Be true to yourself. How you treat yourself sets the standard for how others will treat you.”  ~Steve Maraboli

30 Days of Truth - Day 1 - Something I hate about myself

Nothing like starting out with a HUGE truth right from Go.  Couldn't we start with an easy one?  A little warm up?  No way!  Just jump in.  Head first.  Take a dive!

Something I hate about myself.

I hate that I wear my heart on my sleeve.

I hate that expression.  I hate that I was fired from a job and that was the line I was given when it was laid out before me.  "You wear your heart on your sleeve and unfortunately, that doesn't fit in here."  For the longest time, I thought it was an insult.  I thought it was something really bad.  I mean, I lost my job over it.

So, I hid it.  When I first moved away, I tried to be quiet and dependant and girly and well, it didn't work out so good.  I wasn't standing up for myself.  I was letting others control me, think for me, take advantage of me and, I didn't like that.

Margaret Thatcher said this, "To wear your heart on your sleeve isn't a very good plan; you should wear it inside, where it functions best."  She's right.

Like it or not, it's true.  If I'm feeling something, sad, hurt, angry - whatever, if I feel it you'll feel it too.  And when I say feel, I mean FEEEEL.  You FEEL it in your bones.  To your core.

I hate that my facial expressions, my eyes, my smirk, they give me away every time.  Some of you may not know me well enough to have experienced this.  I've noticed it more with Jeremy. 

I am loud - I did not come equipped with an inside voice.  I am not soft spoken.  Ever.

I am opinionated.  Have you not noticed?

I say what I think and I mean what I say.  I often forget about tact.  I hate that too.

I can't hide. 

I accept it.

I wear my heart on my sleeve.

Though it makes me look or sometimes feel like a backwoods hick, I wouldn't trade it.

I know what I want.  I know what I'll take, what I'll accept or tolerate.  I'm not a door mat and I never ever will be.

I wear my heart on my sleeve.

You'll always know where you stand with me - even if you can't give that back in return.  Even if sometimes it's hard to understand or to go along with. It may make it hard to like me.  Or make you wonder if my friendship is worth the challenge.

I always know who I am, I always know where I belong.  I don't like situations where I know I don't belong and I try to avoid those (like a freaking plague).

At the end of the day, I am who I am.  Love me or hate me.  I wear my heart on my sleeve.

And I still hate it.

I like writing challenges, so?

I do like writing challenges. Really, I do.  Especially 30 day writing challenges.  I've been a little lacking in topic and these little hints or "writing prompts" are often just what I need to give me a boost. 

I was searching around for prompts and I kept finding this 30 Days of Truth...talk about a wink!  I'm leaning toward things that are open, honest, and even a little raw.  I think this hits all of my targets.

30 Days of Truth:

Day 01 - Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 - Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 - Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 - Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 - Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 - Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 - Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 - Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 - Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 - Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 - Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 - Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 - A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 - A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 - Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

Day 16 - Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 - A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 - Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 - What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 - Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 -Your best friend is in a car accident and you were in a fight an hour before. What do you do?

Day 22 - Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 - Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 - Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Title and letter).

Day 25 - The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 - Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 - What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 - What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 - Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 - A letter to yourself, tell yourself everything you love about yourself.

Wish me luck!

TeeBall 2013

We made it through our first season of TeeBall.  Jacob loved it!  He learned some fundamentals and is now following all of baseball, checking our phones and  reporting scores to us every morning.

He's getting to be a pretty good catch and he hits a pitch better than the ball on the tee.  We'll see where it goes but, we know now, it's time to head to a real game, time to go see the best of the best.  Next spring - St. Louis here we come!

And...moving on!

When I was younger, my mother bought a trailer on a river about 20 minutes away from our house.  We'd spend a few weekends there a month.  Sometimes just drive down for some quiet in the evenings.  It wasn't much but, I loved that I could walk the river from one end of the road to the other all by myself, walk up into the sand dunes or visit the other 'weekenders' on the road.

There was one woman a few cottages down from us and I always enjoyed visiting her and her husband.  She played this card game, golf, I think it was called and she'd always, always play with me.  They also had a big dock on the river that I could tie my tube up to and just float there for as long as I wanted.  I remember adding this woman's phone number to our little directory at home and I wrote "Mom" instead of her real name and apparently someone was a bit threatened and they crossed out what I had written, replacing it with this woman's name.  I never really gave that much thought...

About the time I got married, maybe before I began to struggle with the words "Mom or mother".  I had mine and to tell you the truth, there isn't much positive attached to it and as I got older that word came to mean less and less.  More and more pain came from it.  I got married and my mother-in-law (bless her heart) wanted to pull me in and become part of their family which is great and all but, for a girl with HUGE mother issues, I couldn't take on all the stigma of having another "mother" and this girl, this girl fled and fast with her hair on fire!

I always struggle with Mother's Day.  Every gift was never enough, cards were always "too generic".  It simply wasn't worth the effort.  Add on the failures of infertility - wanting so badly to celebrate Mother's Day for yourself and it was simply a recipe for disaster.  I remember our first Mother's Day - and second - both ending in total meltdown.

I'm taking back control of this Mother thing.  Though I am not comfortable to call (almost) anyone "mother" or "mom" and probably never will be, and even if I may never celebrate my mother, I can celebrate some pretty fantastic women in my life!  I have my sisters, my sister-in-laws, my wonderful aunts and some friends that I love and trust enough, who have been around long enough to allow me to open up in my own time.

Time to go forward.  Forget the past. Pave a new way to the future.  I pray that I have learned from my mother's mistakes to give my son a good mom.  I pray harder for God to show me how to accept and love my daughter-in-law one day - better than my mom taught me in ahem...loving hers.

Oddly, I also went through my "to-read" book list this morning.  I removed every book about being a daughter, a better daughter, some one's daughter or even had daughter in the title.  I'm done looking at myself, trying to find the solution within me.  I am a good person and the solution is not only mine.  I was a child.  I learned from the examples she set before me.  I'm adult now and I know right from wrong.  It's her turn to right some of these wrongs.

I'm moving on.  I am going to be happy for my friends, and my cousins and those who do have terrific moms - those who are terrific moms.  I want them to cherish how important it is to have a great mom - or even a good mom.  I'm going to celebrate these wonderful women, with these wonderful women and just be happy, if not for me for them because it's just the right thing to do.  The right way to move on.