Focus

Here it is another Monday.  Somewhere between 1 and the approximate 52 of them this year.  I am having a little trouble with my focus today.

I love my job,  I love my freedom,my accountability is always proven in the numbers.  I don't have to do much to prove myself anymore.  It's very cut and dried.  These things must be done, I am the one who must do them.  It's not by choice.  This is not my ego speaking.  I am responsible for approximately $2M a month.  My integrity is CRUCIAL - critical to my job function.  There have been some reports in the news in regard to the company I work for and I have not shared information about this publicly nor will I - now that I think about it, I haven't spoken to my family about it.  It is so business as usual here for me.  I can't afford to lose focus on my responsibilities and worry about something in which I have no say in, and certainly no control over.  Focus on the tasks at hand.

Jeremy had a terribly long week last week 5 closes in 9 days.  I forget how hard that is for him and I tend to be less than forgiving, less than patient.  I work a regular desk job, only responsible for myself - well, and the money but, I have been doing this for so long that it's all a process for me.  I forget Jeremy has responsibilities to others and other work that needs to be done and I often get short with him for being less than engaged at home.  I know that he's tired.  I know he has a lot on his mind.  I know that in his work he has more people issues and more stuff rolls along that is totally out of control.

I need to redirect my focus to see that he does his best to be a part of our family even though he is exhausted to the bone.  I should see that he is struggling and work to help him rather than be angry or frustrated.  I often get frustrated in the differences between he and I and how we were raised and Jeremy's lack of direction, where I generally have every step planned out before I even begin. It's difficult to count on him, when he will or won't be there, what I can depend on and what I can't.  I need to focus more on rolling with the punches and not losing my focus on where I want to be with him in the end.

This time change thing has knocked Jacob for a loop.  Our sleep schedule is completely off.  It's harder to get him to bed at night and difficult to wake him for school in the morning.  I keep telling myself we only have a few more months until the freedom of summer.  Focusing on the prize.  He's a typical 7 year old boy.  He's pushing the limits with me, mostly using his mouth, and I often lose my temper with him.  It bothers me that he doesn't exercise his uh, desire to argue with his father, no he saves it all for me. Some say because he's closer to me, some say because I am stricter with him.    I want my child to have more opportunity than I did, to have the drive, ambition, and knowledge Jeremy or I are missing.  My focus is on making him a good man.

I signed up for an online course - Vision and Purpose.  It's a 10 day workshop both to define the difference and clear the negativity that stops us from where we allow ourselves to go, in our relationships/job/lives/etc.  It seems I'm stuck with an old manual lens and I'm constantly tweaking it, trying to focus.  I'm always examining something closer, dissecting it, looking for a better approach.  This course, and I have a few others on the calender for this summer, should help to clear some of the fuzz from the edges.  There isn't an auto focus for this one, it doesn't matter how much money you spend, I'm sorry.

I'm hoping to focus more on my intuition, my meditations - no I don't sit criss-cross-applesauce chanting "ohm" in a room full of stinky incense and candles.  Meditation to me is simply praying.  Me talking and sometimes listening to God redirecting my focus or even showing me His.  I want to move forward but, I need more practice, I need to learn to direct my focus, control it, hone it and keep working with it.  Sadly, there isn't much opportunity to do so. 

Could you imagine what it could be if we all aligned our focus, if every one of us focused on doing what is best for us, what is right.  If we all could just forgive and let go.  If we all concentrated on our Earth, our waters, our relationships, our attitudes and consciously made efforts to improve them?

All it takes is a little focus.  Be the one, be the change.  See what happens when you change your focus.

Then I saw her face, I'm an achiever!

Not a trace of doubt in my mind!

I was talking to my sister the other day and wondered to her, "What makes people (ie:  me) be so driven? What makes them try? What gives them the desire to do more, be better, take it one step further?" and thinking that one step further, can you teach that or does it just come naturally?

She sent this to me. 

Achiever | Clifton StrengthsFinder Theme

Your Achiever theme helps explain your drive. Achiever describes a constant need for achievement. You feel as if every day starts at zero. By the end of the day you must achieve something tangible in order to feel good about yourself. And by "every day" you mean every single day -- workdays, weekends, vacations. No matter how much you may feel you deserve a day of rest, if the day passes without some form of achievement, no matter how small, you will feel dissatisfied. You have an internal fire burning inside you. It pushes you to do more, to achieve more. After each accomplishment is reached, the fire dwindles for a moment, but very soon it rekindles itself, forcing you toward the next accomplishment. Your relentless need for achievement might not be logical. It might not even be focused. But it will always be with you. As an Achiever you must learn to live with this whisper of discontent. It does have its benefits. It brings you the energy you need to work long hours without burning out. It is the jolt you can always count on to get you started on new tasks, new challenges. It is the power supply that causes you to set the pace and define the levels of productivity for your work group. It is the theme that keeps you moving.

I don't know how I do this but, I do and I find myself (especially as I get older) getting completely frustrated with people who are not this way.  Unachievers?  I don't understand them, I can't relate to them.  Honestly, it's tough for me to even associate with them.  It's that difficult!  How do you not want more than this?  How do you just accept this as enough and sit back and wait for something to fall in your lap?  How do you not DO anything?  How do you not reach for it?  I just don't get it.

But, looking at this, I also wonder when is it done?  When is it enough?  When do I finish?  Where I just seem to move on to the next project, the next achievement.

Where did this come from?  Was I born like this?  Did I learn to be like this?  Did this come from something I needed to overcome as a child?

I think I like being an achiever - even if I don't understand it. 

I'm an achiever, I couldn't leave her if I tried...

Happy 85th Dad! Another Birthday in heaven.

It's hard to imagine he'd be 85 today.  Almost 14 years since he's passed away and yet it seems like yesterday he was just here, with those deep, deep dimples, the twinkle in his dark brown eyes and the smile that would light up even the darkest room.  Look at his dimples!

I can't tell you who my father was as a man, I didn't know him as a man, I only knew him as my dad and he was gone before I grew up to understand or appreciate him as anything more.   

My dad with me - Christmas 1973.  (I was about 6 months and he was 45.)

I came across this quote a while back and was reminded of him.

The father of a daughter is nothing but a high-class hostage.
A father turns a stony face to his sons, berates them, shakes
his antlers, paws the ground, snorts, runs them off into the
underbrush, but when his daughter puts her arm over his
shoulder and says, "Daddy, I need to ask you something,"
he is a pat of butter in a hot frying pan."  ~ Garrison Keillor

Maybe because I was so little, maybe because I was the last, maybe because he was sick, maybe because he had more time, maybe because he was home, maybe because I spent so much time with him but, I see this in my Daddy.  I remember turning him to a pat of butter.  I remember snuggling into his lap in the evenings and he'd sing to me, with me as I learned the words.  "Home, home on the range...where the deer and the antelope play..."  I love that song now, though it wasn't may favorite then, and I remember the pride in his eyes, the joy in his smile, the softness of him as only a little girl could see in her daddy.   God - I miss him!

Happy 85th Birthday Dad! 

Alone or Lonely?

“Friends are a strange, volatile, contradictory, yet sticky phenomenon. They are made, crafted, shaped, molded, created by focused effort and intent. And yet, true friendship, once recognized, in its essence is effortless.

Best friends are formed by time.

Everyone is some one's friend, even when they think they are all alone.

If the friendship is not working, your heart will know. It's when you start being less than perfectly honest and perfectly earnest in your dealings. And it's when the things you do together no longer feel right.

However, sometimes it takes more effort to make it work after all.

Stick around long enough to become some one's best friend.”
― Vera Nazarian, The Perpetual Calendar of Inspiration

I was talking with Jacob last night after he asked me if he could have a notebook to write a journal.  I asked him, "Did you know that mom writes in a journal?"

"No, I didn't know that."

I think of this more as an on-line journal.  I write about what comes to my mind.  I like to write about happy things and share funny thoughts, moments but, it's not always fun.  It's not always fun to be me.  I'm not writing this for your sympathies or encouragement. It's not about having someone else make me feel better, often times it's therapeutic to simply purge the words on to "paper" only the archaic process of pen and pad are more threatening to me and I prefer typing over ink.  I guess you can think what you want - that's part of the problem anyway.

There has been some talk about some one in our house who is turning '40' this summer.  She wants a gathering of some sort but, she knows that no one else will take the time to plan it and care about the small things as much as she does.  She wants to celebrate but, she believes no one would want to celebrate (commiserate) with her.  She wants friends but, feels she is always alone, as if she has none.  At least not any close enough.  She doesn't know what to do for this birthday.  If she wants to do anything at all.  And she's really sad that it has come to be like this, that she's so sad.

I have very few people that I am close to.  I have Jeremy.  I have a good friend from Jr. High School.  I don't have a "Best Friend".  I don't have that one person I can call anytime to laugh or cry.  I'm not close with my sisters or my sister-in-laws.  I guess it seems everyone is always either busy thinking I'm the baby and I don't know anything or I'm so spoiled I don't deserve more than I everything I've already been "handed".  It's difficult for me to trust people, to put myself out there - too many years of feeling undeserving.  It's easy for me to be myself, to laugh, to be fun but, I'm serious too.  I'm not moody.  I'm intense.  There is a difference.  It's hard to find someone who is willing to get through that, so see the more.

But, most times, it's just life.  Plain and simple life just gets in the way.  People grow, people change, people move away, have kids/families and life just happens.  You meet people, and you see potential in making friends but, it's hard to get it all together, the kids, the job, family time - it's hard to make all that work and we stop trying to be friends.  The potential fizzes out and next thing you know you're changing aisles in the grocery store to avoid them.

I have always been somewhat of a loner, and I really don't mind being alone.  I never have been afraid to be alone. I'm a reader.  I can get lost in a good book and forget all about being alone.  I get tired of being lonely.  I get tired of having a husband that is gone all the time.  My son is growing up and into his own interests - without me.  And that's okay.  I'm not the Homecoming Queen type.  I don't want hundreds of friends and the social calendar to squeeze my family into.  I want a friend to call and say "Let's go out for lunch." or even just a friend to call.  Everyone needs a friend.

“Sometimes life is too hard to be alone, and sometimes life is too good to be alone.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage

600!

I've thought a lot about getting to this point.   I noticed a few posts ago that I was nearing another milestone.  I like milestones, they're like progress to me.  I've made it this far, now how much further can I go?

I asked for some suggestions on what to write about at 600 and Then & Now sounds kind of fun.  I went back through some of my first posts and to tell you the truth (not that I can lie because when I do lie, I forget that I lied and I just get all tangled up so, why bother?), I was a little embarrassed and kind of felt like a big dumb dork!

So, what has changed?

I started Random Thoughts in the summer of 2007.  Jacob was 2 years old.  I had zero faith in God. My marriage was hanging by a fraying thread.  I was still pissed over our infertility issues.  I was miserable, bitter, and just trying to get through everyday.  We sent yet another pass along dog to a new home. Friends have come and gone.  And still no matter what I said or did I felt I was under a microscope.  I felt I was being judged by so many at every (mis)step.

Almost 5 years and 599 posts, I have been writing here and so much has changed.

I am now the proud momma of a 7 year old First Grader!  We made it through Kindergarten, birthday parties, a whole bunch of laughs and barrels of tears.  We have met all of our Police, most of the firefighters and the Paramedics/EMTs wave to us every time we see them.  Any visit to a new town - we must find their fire station.  We have been through tubes in his ears twice now, a couple of granuloma removals.  Jacob sleeps in his own bed most every night.  He reads like a champ and I am so, so in love with this kid!  He's cute.  He's funny.  He is the love and light of my life.

I can see God's plan for me now.  That there actually was/is a plan all along. I see that God didn't allow me to bear a child not because He didn't want me to have one, not to punish me but, because He was sending Jacob to me.  Jacob needed me.  I needed him.  I now see how that puzzle was coming together and the results.  I see the reasons and the whys.  I am no longer angry with God.  Actually, He and I are closer than ever.  I am still struggling with church but, I believe in time, that answer will come as well.  I am learning every day to be a better mom.  At this point, I am nearing 40 - I am the same age my mom was when she had me - and I know my limitations.  I know that one child is enough.  I would never, ever trade my Jacob and honestly, I don't want another.  I am thrilled with what God has given to me!

Miraculously, that fraying thread my marriage was hanging from has turned into a thick, tightly woven rope.  I am blessed to have married someone who has become my best friend.  We have fought, argued, torn down and rebuilt our fortress together.  We have built a family full of love, trust, and friendship.  We still have our not so finer moments but, we're not perfect and we will always be in the process of building something bigger/better/stronger together.  I tell him often that I couldn't imagine a single day without him and I mean every word.

I had said I didn't want another child yet, our family still didn't feel quite complete.  In August of 2010, my beautiful brown Kelsey dog, aka: Kelsey Jo/Kelbee/Brown Dog/Brownie/Sister joined us and put her paw prints on our hearts.  We picked her out of 8 other puppies and have loved her since the day she arrived.  She is my first dog I have ever raised from a puppy and kept.  She is beautiful.  She's so smart, so sweet, and so cuddly.    She is every bit a momma's girl.  She goes to the window to watch for me to come home and sleeps by me every night.. We have had our trials with her - when all her hair started falling out and then there is the expensive dog food, medications, and her favorite treats and toys.  I often tell Jeremy, "You know, I'm going to be a mess when she goes."  And I will.

I've lost a few friends, contact with my mother, I have learned that I am an Empath, or a sponge, I soak up the negativity of others and apply it to myself.  I am learning to avoid those people and be more selective in what I engage myself in with regard to relationships.  I have learned that I am me, I can only be me, just like you can only be you, and what you think of me, is up to you.  It doesn't have anything to do with what I think of me. 

I look back on the other 599 posts and I see see wisdom, I see love, I see loss.   I see strength, I see growth, I see change.  I see determination, I see plain old iron will and I see plum stupidity.  I see freedom.  I see laughter.  I see a family that is 5 years wiser.  5 years stronger.  5 years better.  I see Us...I just see Us!

Happy 600 Random Thoughts.

Gifts of the Spirit

The post I wrote yesterday about my home church, about my feelings, about what I want in a church, all of it is true.  Though I always, and will likely always struggle with questions like will I ever find a church family that can embrace me that I like too? Will I find a church family that understands my gifts?  Will they see these quirks as gifts?  Do they believe in afterlife?  Why do souls come to me to cross them over?  Why do I need to be so sensitive to someone else's struggles or livelihood.  Why is it so easy for me to see the reasoning behind our hardships or our windfalls?  How do I know things with such certainty?  Am I a freak?

I have simply been given a gift.  I struggle with it.  I get severe migraines from it.  Though, I may not like all of it, all the time, it's still a gift.  Mostly it is a gigantic dose of empathy, combined with an immense amount of integrity, and a smidge of super duper listening.  I do, I believe this is a gift from God.  I believe God speaks to each and every one of us.  I believe he is that voice inside us all, the rule follower, the voice of reason, that conscience. Some of us choose to listen to that voice.  Some of us don't.  I don't believe that makes us good or bad yet there is good or bad in all of us.  It's our choice what we listen to, what we say or what we do.  It's whether we feed the good or nourish the bad.

When it gets down to the brass tacks, I'm saying I choose to let that voice, God's voice lead me.  Right now, I'm not sure why His voice has me questioning my church home.  I'm not sure His voice wants me to go to a different church.  It's saying "Try something new. Grow.  Change.  Enlighten.  Learn."  Yet, when I ask what this "something new" is, I don't get a response.  Until I figure out what or where "something new" is, we're just treading water.

I've been wanting to share something with you.  I often speak of God Winks.  To me, these are little clues, or affirmations that I'm on the right path.  You may call them coincidences.  I don't believe in coincidence.  I believe in God.  Anyway, I had taken a Psychic Development class a month or so ago and in this class, the mentor read this passage from the bible.

1 Corinthians 12

Concerning Spiritual Gifts

12 Now about the gifts of the Spirit, brothers and sisters, I do not want you to be uninformed. ² You know that when you were pagans, somehow or other you were influenced and led astray to mute idols. ³ Therefore I want you to know that no one who is speaking by the Spirit of God says, “Jesus be cursed,” and no one can say, “Jesus is Lord,” except by the Holy Spirit.⁴ There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit distributes them. ⁵ There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. ⁶ There are different kinds of working, but in all of them and in everyone it is the same God at work.⁷ Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good. ⁸ To one there is given through the Spirit a message of wisdom, to another a message of knowledge by means of the same Spirit, ⁹ to another faith by the same Spirit, to another gifts of healing by that one Spirit, ¹⁰ to another miraculous powers, to another prophecy, to another distinguishing between spirits, to another speaking in different kinds of tongues,^[a] and to still another the interpretation of tongues.^{[b] 11} All these are the work of one and the same Spirit, and he distributes them to each one, just as he determines.

Unity and Diversity in the Body

¹² Just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ. ¹³ For we were all baptized by^[c] one Spirit so as to form one body—whether Jews or Gentiles, slave or free—and we were all given the one Spirit to drink. ¹⁴ Even so the body is not made up of one part but of many.¹⁵ Now if the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body. ¹⁶ And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body. ¹⁷ If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? ¹⁸ But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. ¹⁹ If they were all one part, where would the body be? ²⁰ As it is, there are many parts, but one body.²¹ The eye cannot say to the hand, “I don’t need you!” And the head cannot say to the feet, “I don’t need you!” ²² On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, ²³ and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, ²⁴ while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, ²⁵ so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. ²⁶ If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.²⁷ Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it. ²⁸ And God has placed in the church first of all apostles, second prophets, third teachers, then miracles, then gifts of healing, of helping, of guidance, and of different kinds of tongues. ²⁹ Are all apostles? Are all prophets? Are all teachers? Do all work miracles? ³⁰ Do all have gifts of healing? Do all speak in tongues^[d]? Do all interpret? ³¹ Now eagerly desire the greater gifts.

That class was on a Saturday afternoon.  I went to church on Sunday morning and this passage, this very passage was our Gospel that morning.  What a wink!?!

Many believe that speaking with spirits/souls, or "predicting the future" is the work of Satan. If you'd like to sit down and talk to me about that, I'd be more than happy to speak of my faith in God with you. I love nothing more than telling of my faith once lost and now found. I also would like to remind you that there is one true judge of the living and the dead. You may think I'm crazy, "She believes God speaks to her". You can test me.  You can ask me.  I believe. You believe. When the Lord calls us home, we'll find out in the end who passed the test. 

There is so much to take away from this passage.  So much to think about.  It can be applied to family, to friendships, to marriage,  I think it might be my new favorite.  Let me know your thoughts.

Church Anyone?

I miss my home church. 

I miss Mr. K playing the beautiful pipe organ for the old hymns.  I miss kneeling at the front of the church at the rail for communion, Pastor's direction, kneel, rise, "take eat, this is the Body of Christ given for you", Pastor's gentle touch on the heads of the children giving them each a blessing.  I miss the hymns.  I miss the angelic voices of the choir floating down from the choir loft.  I miss how they entered or exited the church for service two by two, how they'd come down for communion in pairs, always in harmony.  I miss the order of worship, the routine, the familiarness of the pews, the faces, and the ticking of the heaters in the winter or the cold breeze each time the big, heavy, wooden doors opened.  I miss the summer breeze through the small opening in the stained glass window and the reflections they cast on the church floor.

I was baptized in that church, almost 40 years ago.  I remember Sunday service, with my dad, with my mom, with my brother who would always pinch my thigh after HE had fallen asleep.  I remember nesting into my dad with his arm across the back of the pew, and stealing Freedent gum from my mom's purse.  As I grew older, I was an acolyte.  I was eventually confirmed in that church.  Easter Sundays and Christmas Candlelight services.  There is nothing more beautiful than walking out of church at midnight on Christmas Eve into a light snowfall.  I took my very first communion in that church. I attended chapel every Wednesday morning with my classmates.  My sister's funeral was held there, my niece and my nephew were baptized there, their mother and father married there, my brother and his wife were married there, my father's funeral - all these major events, held in that church.  It was home.  It was our church. 

I know that church like the back of my hand.  I know where they keep the choir robes, the spare candles, the communion wafers and the wine.  I know the hallway from the church office goes back to Pastor's office and around to the office of the elders and out the side door where the hearse awaits the casket after a funeral.  I know to watch your step as that floor is super slippery if wet.  I know where the rope is to ring the bell to start or end the service. I know you must bow upon entering and exiting the alter and that the candles are to be lit as if opening a book and extinguished as you would close it.  You hold your hands crossed over each other, out in front of you for a communion wafer as if you are receiving a gift.  You go back to your seat, solemnly, with your hands typically in prayer in front of you and you sit and quietly pray when you return to your seat.  The ushers dismiss you to go to communion and again at the end of service.  They also administer the offering.

I miss my home church.

This church we attend now, it's alright but, it's not the kind of Lutheran I was brought up as.  I don't care for praise bands who run through the same cycle of songs every few weeks.  I want to sing some hymns!  Earth and All Stars (oh my!  This sounds just like Mr. K!), Beautiful Savior,  and so, so many more.  I want to sing about the Feast of Victory for our God. I want the tears to fall (like they are now) as I think about my Dad and this religion, this church he chose for his family to grow up in.  I want to use the beautiful Lutheran Worship hymnal that I was given by my parents for my confirmation with all of the services I was taught.

I want the same Lord's Prayer I was taught in my school, complete with trespasses and those who trespass against us.  The one Our Father taught us all to pray.  The one I learned in Sunday School, in parochial school and prayed every Sunday. 

These things.  These make church to me.  The honour, the tradition. The memories of what I know.  What I was taught.  Taught to pray.  Taught to worship.  Taught to praise.

I don't want praise bands, I don't want intiction - you don't dunk the wafer into the wine!  I don't want keyboards, drum sets, projectors and microphones.  Sure, those are okay once in awhile.  I don't care if we run past an hour, or who sings too loudly.  I don't want rotating Sunday School teachers for 2 kids.  I want more!

I'm not enjoying this.  I don't like this.  I want my old church back.