Old photos

 

Jeremy's dad gave us a memory stick with just a ton of his old family photos.  I thought you might get a kick out of seeing them.  Jeremy's grandpoppy is getting on in years, his grandmother passed sometime ago and there are many photos of her.  I'll share more in little bits here and there. 

 

This was taken at our wedding "reception".  We were married in the Bahamas in April and had a small reception the end of May at Jeremy's parents.

 

Our technically 2nd Christmas - First married, 2nd together, 2nd in our house.

This is one of my favorite pictures of Jeremy and I.  It was taken at a graduation party for his niece. 

I was a bit shocked to see this as I didn't know a photo existed - my wedding cake!

 

Ugly

If a person has ugly thoughts, it begins to show on the face. And when that person has ugly thoughts every day, every week, every year, the face gets uglier and uglier until it gets so ugly you can hardly bear to look at it. A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely. ~Roald Dahl

I have noticed in the last few years I am somewhat of a sponge. I tend to find negative people in disguise and I befriend them. The longer I stay with them, the more negative and or moody I become, often not realizing what is happening until I'm so miserable even I can't stand myself. I had so many ugly thoughts about other people, about myself. I wasn't happy. I was surrounded by unhappy people that only made me more unhappy.

When I was absorbing, I never noticed how judgmental I had become. I never noticed how critical of others I was. I've always been more of a "Type A" person but, I would get totally, irrationally out of control. I didn't realize I had even done this but, I gave my mother-in-law a tongue lashing for mixing up some silverware. I feel badly about doing that to her and being so unaware is no excuse but, I do now know how totally out of control this negativity gets to me.

I was ugly.

It's easy to open yourself up to negativity, to follow the crowd, to get sucked in. It's easy to talk about someone behind their back, to question their decisions or their motives. It's easy to think someone is jealous of you or out to get you or that people just simply want to hurt you. It's hard to look at yourself and believe you are much more than this. It's hard to go against the grain and speak kindly of others when no one else seems to. It's hard to tell yourself this is wrong. It's hard...at first.

I didn't want to be ugly.

I began to really listen to the negatives in others and search for them to release positives. I don't play 'Devil's Advocate" but, simply listening to others, I wondered, Is that what I sound like?  I began to notice more and more and more until finally, it was so overwhelming to me, totally staring me in the face. I couldn't find a positive. I knew if they had nothing positive, there was nothing positive for me in this relationship. I knew I had to leave it behind. I had to change. I had to try. I had to try to change. I try not to speak unless I can be kind (though I'm so damn sarcastic most of the time which makes this sooo hard). I try very hard to never say anything about someone that I wouldn't say to their face. I try to do more, be more generous with my time and my ability. I try not to make judgement on the actions of others. I try to see them in the best light. I try to go into a situation looking for the best outcome or resolution rather than feeling attacked. I'm working on generosity but, I have been burned so many times and it's hard to forget and to just give from the heart again. I try to be more forgiving as I hope others will be with me. I am human. I try. I try to change. I try to be the change I'd like to see.

“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.”
― Eric Roth, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

It's a Party!

Another milestone is upon us...

 

Jacob has his first invitation in the mail - not related to us - mom isn't coming with me - school friend - birthday party tonight.

 

After mom had a small panic over the gift, he's really excited to go.  And I'm excited for him.  I remember a few parties when I was his age.  I hope he has a good time.  I hope he doesn't act like an animal.  I hope she likes her gift.  I hope he doesn't act like an animal in their home.  Did I say that already?

 

 

Message from Dale/Daryl

Shortly after finding Betty an escort home a young man arrived. Again, it was by smell that I knew he was here. He smelled great, like freshly showered wearing good aftershave. I didn't pay him much attention. He was fairly standoffish, and I wasn't going to push him. I've found they will reveal themselves when they are ready for my help. He began revealing bits of himself to me. It's like photo flash cards at times with a bit of charades mixed with 'One of these things is not like the other'. When I know I have a spirit in the house, I've learned to take what they show me and just let it sink in before I act or react to them.

One photo he showed me was of a young man in a white t-shirt with a black leather motor-cycle type jacket. He had dark wavy hair, with a bright white infectious smile. He was full of himself but, he was kind.

After showing me this photo, he backed off for about a month. I didn't feel or smell him heavily though I knew he hadn't left. I think he lost his nerve for a bit but, one afternoon while I was at work, I was messaging with a friend and I heard a voice say what I thought was "Dale" and when I asked my friend, we both typed "Daryl" in response to each other.

Daryl as I came to find, was looking for Judy. Well, I know a few Judys so, I had to do a little homework, ask him more questions to narrow down to the right one. I contacted the first Judy and the information just didn't fit her. I knew one Judy didn't fit at all. A little more digging told me Daryl was looking for his daughter. One Judy left...I sent her an email. Her response read, "my biological father is Daryl."

It's not my place to reveal the relationship she had with Daryl. He gave me a genuine sentiment from a father to his daughter and I passed that on to her. I'm sorry, I don't feel it would be right to share that message here.

This is beginning to happen more often, these visits, these messages, this knowing. I don't know who will come forward, what they will need or what messages they will give me or who the message will be for. Often, I get information about people or I might get a knowing such as a 'you need to see a Dr. type thing. This info comes often through emails or instant messages - not from the spirit but, if you were to send me an email or to chat, I often can read you through that info. It's often a voice that comes from behind my right shoulder and often my right arm begins to shake. I want to say I have no control over who comes in but, if I am uncomfortable with a spirit, I can ask it to leave. I cannot control what they choose to tell me.

It's getting better, I'm getting stronger and I'm learning more and more. I'm learning how large a responsibility this gift is going to be. I want to be sure the information I hear is accurate. I pray often for guidance and for God to lead me through this, I trust he knows the plan!

Happy Valentine's Day - 2013

 

Sending love from our house to yours!

 

 

What I'm Making - Wool Dryer Balls

They (famous they, they know everything, you know?) say these help to dry your clothes in half the time, make them softer, and with less static cling than dryer sheets.   We'll see.

They say these are better for the environment than dryer sheets.  Have you read all the chemicals in those things?  Sometimes, dryer sheets are just a little too strong for me.

You start with a skein of wool yarn, I bought this on-line for about $7, and you just wind it around to make yarn balls.  This skein was about 8 oz.  It made 4, 2 oz balls.  You could make them larger if you'd like.  Tennis ball size is ideal.

 

After the balls are made you put them in pantyhose (I used a trouser sock) and tie it tightly between each ball either in a knot or I used some cotton yarn.  Do not use wool yarn to tie it as it will felt!

Let your dog roll around on the floor with it.   This step is optional.

 

 

Wash the balls in HOT water and dry in the dryer.  I washed and dried mine twice then cut the ties on the sock.  They did shrink some.  Now you add them to your dryer in place of dryer sheets but, you don't wash them.  Some folks I know just leave them in their dryer.

 

You can do colors as well.  I didn't want to do a special load to wash these and I use hot water for my whites and didn't want a colored yarn to bleed.  I may scent them with a few drops of essential oil.  I made 10 at cost of about $20.  That's about the same as four boxes of dyer sheets.  I'm unsure how long these balls last.  I've read a year, 5 years, 100's of loads, and a lifetime.  One thing I do know, no more dryer sheets in my pant legs! 

 

 

 

Welcome!

Fresh.  Clean.  Crisp.  And New.

Welcome to our new home.  I hope you like it here. 

"Nobody told me there'd be days like these"

In the words of John Lennon.  This fits my mood today.  I wish I could make this song play through this post!

I'm in the wake of a fire at a home I hadn't thought about in years.  I'd heard about the fire from friends.  I also follow the local news from up there.  I clicked on a news video from the fire and there was my ex-boyfriend who is now a rural fire chief.  I hadn't seen his face or heard his voice in over a decade (15 years maybe) - he sounds a lot different now.  A lot of strange thoughts, emotions and feelings this morning.  And now you know why my son adores fire trucks. Blame it all on his momma.

Here is the video:  http://www.9and10news.com/story/20961921/just-in-manistee-county-fire-at-an-adult-foster-care-home

My dad lived in this AFC home that caught fire yesterday.  I don't remember how long he lived there.  It seems a big chunk of time, though maybe only 6 years or so. I remember him being there when I was in 5th or 6th grade and he was still there when I was a junior in high school but, I don't remember past that. Around the time my parents divorced, my brain turned off. I was newly dating that firefighter from the video and honestly, I think a lot of the memories from that time are just too painful to keep!  I never wanted to visit my dad then, not that I didn't want to see him but, because I would be trapped in the car with my mother for the 20 minute ride home after the visit.  She made me recount every word of every conversation.  Which turned into a 3 day pity party for her.  Things like "I don't know why he wants to do this to me" and on and on.  Painting herself as the victim. 

My dad was good man.  I don't believe he was a saint.  He had his faults too.  He didn't ask for this disease to cripple him when he had a young daughter to raise.  He couldn't help that he was in pain,  or his young daughter wasn't really into baseball, basketball, football, hunting or fishing.  How was he supposed to entertain a young girl?  He couldn't share much family news with me as he know my mother would sweat it out of me.  He couldn't share letters from my sisters or visits from my aunts or uncles.  If my mother found out he had a letter from someone, she'd storm into his room and take it.  I spent most of  my time hanging with the girls that worked there. Sometimes, I watched TV out in the main room with the other residents. Orchard Hill had an awesome kitchen and I loved to sit there and draw or sometimes the girls would give me a project to work on.  I didn't even mind helping fold laundry.  Anything to avoid having to tell my mom even a word my dad had said on the way home.  Then she would be angry because she drove me all the way up there and "he didn't spend any time with me".  I wish I would have done that differently.

I didn't realize at that time all of this broke my dad's heart. I'm sure my mother made it even more painful for him.   At that age, I didn't understand the feelings of a parent, a divorcing parent.  I didn't know what my mom was doing to him or to me.  I didn't know.  I know now, my dad understood what was happening.  I know he knew there was nothing he could do.  There was nothing I could do. I didn't see it.  I wasn't old enough.  I simply wasn't old enough to understand.  As we learned in Foster Care training, these kids who are abused, no matter, they still love their parents - especially their mothers.

I have a few photos of my dad, with ALL of his sisters and brothers in this home.  I remember one of me, with 2 of my sisters, brother-in-law and a baby nephew visiting my dad for someone's birthday.  Must have been dad's (we're wearing sweaters and 3 of the birthdays are August, and I'm June - he was March).  I think I even have one of him in his room, somewhere. 

I used to know all of the patients around the home, who was in what room all the way around the place.  I can still remember the layout of the house when he was there.  Funny, the things your mind holds onto.  Funny the things it lets go.

This home has changed hands probably a few times since my dad was there but, the people who owned it then really made an impression on my dad and he on them.  They treated him well and often visited with him.  They lived upstairs - their youngest son was a few years older than me and was a best friend to the guy in the video, and the door to get upstairs was across the hall from my dad's room.  The boys would often stop to talk to my dad on the way in or out and watch a game with my dad.  I haven't seen them in ages.  The woman and one of her daughters came to my dad's funeral.

I look back on all of this and well, nobody told me there'd be days like these.  Days that take you back to the worst parts of your childhood.  Nobody told me there would be days when you regretted the way you acted or the way you finished things, left things with someone you once loved.  Nobody told me there'd be days when you remember not having any say in how you were treated or the things that were done to you.  Nobody told me there'd be days when you wished you could have it all back.

Strange days - indeed.

What I'm Making - Laundry Detergent

One thing that frustrates me beyond measure is the cable TV company.  They charge whatever they want, which is outRAGEous, they raise their rates whenever the wind blows, then I have to call and complain to get my bill lowered and it just puts me in a surly mood. 

 

What's worse than the cost of cable TV?  The cost of laundry detergent!  I noticed this week, our local department type store has a popular brand of liquid laundry detergent on sale for $11.48.  They claim it is the 53-68 load size bottle.  Using the max end of their estimate it'll cost $0.16/load.

 

I've been making my own laundry detergent for about a month or so now.  The items in the photo below cost me approximately $10.  The recipe calls for 1 c. Borax, 1 c. soda to one bar of soap which works out to about $0.05/load but, that is a little much for me so I  use 2c. Borax, 2c. soda to one bar of soap so we'll say $0.10/load.  A dime per load! I'm saving over a nickel on every single load of laundry!

 

It takes like 15 minutes to make.  I grate my bar of soap on an old hand grater I picked up at Goodwill.  I put that into my food processor with the 2 cups and the other 2 cups to chop it up really fine.  I store it in a plastic gallon jar Jeremy brought home from work but, you could use an ice cream pail.  2 Tbsp. per load is all it takes.

 

I use it on my whites, it works better than the bleach alternatives soaps I have used in the past.  I still do add some regular bleach. 

 

I use it on Jeremy's work clothes.  I do use Dawn dishsoap as a pretreater (this is not something new).

 

I use it with my towels.  The smell GREAT.  And we do not wash a towel after each use.  To each their own - I'm clean when I use the towel, no?  Towels used to smell a little funky.  That does NOT happen anymore.

 

I have also made this with Ivory soap, for sensitive (baby) skin and it worked well.

 

My clothes are cleaner.  They smell fresher.  They feel softer.  And I know what I'm washing with.

 

I used this site to answer all of my questions. 

 

I did try the liquid version of this and I did not like it. 

1.  It has to be cooked on the stove.

2.  It all has to be poured into a bucket, then you add water, add water add water.

3.  I transferred it from the bucket into gallon jars = OH!!  WHAT A MESS.

4.  You have to add water, add water, add water.

5.  I had to wait 24 hours to use.

6.  It makes a gelatinous mess that is hard to measure from the bottle.

I hope you'll let me know if you try it!

Next on my list to try:  Woolen dryer balls!

A Christmas Family - The Delivery

I had to know delivery day couldn't go off without a hitch.  The night before I had spent wrapping some of the donations and well...someone took a tag and didn't deliver so, the girl from work helping me and I made the executive decision to take some of the money donated  to fill the propane tank and buy dad his winter coat.  We also found the coat donated for mom was the wrong size which put me in a frenzy to fix it.  Thankfully, a friend heard of my last minute problem and came through with flying colors.

I arrived to work that morning to a few last minute donations under our tree.  I ran out for wrappings for those as well.  For all we did, these glitches were so small.

We were organizing all of the stuff for delivery and someone (not me) got the idea to take the bikes for a ride down the hallway, and thankfully she did because we found out the girl's bike was broken!   We have a few cyclists in our department and we had them come look at the bike, see if it was a quick fix.  I was getting nervous, it was 10AM and we were planning to leave by 11AM.  There was no other option, the bike couldn't be fixed.  The guys ran back to the store to exchange it.  God sure has a plan, and even though it's something so small, you know he still had his hand it.  They had another bike in stock, only a darker color.  They got back just in time to load the bikes in a truck and go!

When we arrived at the house, I didn't know where to begin.  I didn't want to offend the family.  I didn't want them to feel insulted or embarrassed for their situation.  The group with me was great.  We did a few introductions and just unloaded.

It was 5 days before Christmas when we delivered and I remember looking around their house that morning, it seemed so empty, warm but, empty.  They didn't have a Christmas tree up and not that they needed to have one but, I was so glad we brought one with us to give to them.  It didn't take long to fill their home with donations.  We had stuff in the garage, the kitchen, the dining room, anywhere we could put it.  Watching the faces of this family while we all unloaded the trucks.  I was thinking of the kids, the older ones were in school while we were there, I couldn't help but to wonder how excited they'd be when they came home.  They left this same empty home that morning and we came in and filled it up!  The little ones just watched us in awe.

I think of the parents, opening that gift of $1000 paid on their propane for the winter.  I think of them not having to buy what we think of as small, essentials for their home for awhile and how much relief that gave to them.  Could you imagine?  These three trucks rolling into your yard and unloading Christmas gifts for you and your children, food for your dog, a Christmas tree with decorations, laundry soap, pottie paper.  And they paid your freaking heat bill!!!

A lot of tears were shed in that little house that afternoon.  I'm sure there were more I didn't see.  At one point, all of my helpers had to walk out and these were some pretty tough eggs I brought with me.  We all went out to lunch after and each one of them thanked me for allowing them to be a part of this experience.  They all said they would do it again next year.

Through this experience, I had many people thank me for doing this, for putting this together.  I didn't know how to respond.  I didn't do much.  I saw a need and asked for help to fill it.  As human beings, as a Christian, didn't I do what I was supposed to do?  I felt I had so many more people to thank, all of those who helped me to make is possible.  This experience has given me the larger gift.  I learned such valuable lessons in humility, judgement, perception, and even generosity.  I truly feel I have come out a better person for it.  I can't wait to do it again next year!  And I will.