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Monday, February 25, 2013

Ugly

If a person has ugly thoughts, it begins to show on the face. And when that person has ugly thoughts every day, every week, every year, the face gets uglier and uglier until it gets so ugly you can hardly bear to look at it. A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely. ~Roald Dahl

I have noticed in the last few years I am somewhat of a sponge. I tend to find negative people in disguise and I befriend them. The longer I stay with them, the more negative and or moody I become, often not realizing what is happening until I'm so miserable even I can't stand myself. I had so many ugly thoughts about other people, about myself. I wasn't happy. I was surrounded by unhappy people that only made me more unhappy.

When I was absorbing, I never noticed how judgmental I had become. I never noticed how critical of others I was. I've always been more of a "Type A" person but, I would get totally, irrationally out of control. I didn't realize I had even done this but, I gave my mother-in-law a tongue lashing for mixing up some silverware. I feel badly about doing that to her and being so unaware is no excuse but, I do now know how totally out of control this negativity gets to me.

I was ugly.

It's easy to open yourself up to negativity, to follow the crowd, to get sucked in. It's easy to talk about someone behind their back, to question their decisions or their motives. It's easy to think someone is jealous of you or out to get you or that people just simply want to hurt you. It's hard to look at yourself and believe you are much more than this. It's hard to go against the grain and speak kindly of others when no one else seems to. It's hard to tell yourself this is wrong. It's hard...at first.

I didn't want to be ugly.

I began to really listen to the negatives in others and search for them to release positives. I don't play 'Devil's Advocate" but, simply listening to others, I wondered, Is that what I sound like?  I began to notice more and more and more until finally, it was so overwhelming to me, totally staring me in the face. I couldn't find a positive. I knew if they had nothing positive, there was nothing positive for me in this relationship. I knew I had to leave it behind. I had to change. I had to try. I had to try to change. I try not to speak unless I can be kind (though I'm so damn sarcastic most of the time which makes this sooo hard). I try very hard to never say anything about someone that I wouldn't say to their face. I try to do more, be more generous with my time and my ability. I try not to make judgement on the actions of others. I try to see them in the best light. I try to go into a situation looking for the best outcome or resolution rather than feeling attacked. I'm working on generosity but, I have been burned so many times and it's hard to forget and to just give from the heart again. I try to be more forgiving as I hope others will be with me. I am human. I try. I try to change. I try to be the change I'd like to see.

“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.”
Eric Roth, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

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