Gray

I'm taking a little break from the dare thing - it's beginning to get a little more challenging - writing the result without spelling out the exact dare.  I don't feel like a challenge today.

You may have noticed that it's a little gray around here.  It matches me.  I've been working on a lot of things about myself.  I'm so afraid to write from my heart.  I'm afraid to open up again.  I'm afraid to laugh, terrified to be me again. 

I learned to be alone, to take care of myself, to find my own answers, and not to lean on anyone be it for help, support or a shoulder to cry on because I'm not supposed to cry or be hurt. Yet, I don't talk, don't ask, and mostly don't tell.

I'm a very guarded person.  I learned that I had to be.  I have a hard time with people.  I don't trust people.   Too many people take innocence and turn it into terrible, mean, and spiteful things that should never be said or done to anyone.  It's the only means I have had to protect myself.

I'm not good with words when meeting new people. I try to be witty and it comes out mean or sarcastic, so I'm quiet and then I'm a snob. But I'm not!  I'm really just scared. I'm not good in awkward situations. I don't say anything because I don't want to offend anyone but, then I don't say enough and you think I don't care. Most times, I'm not included because I'm awkward and an embarrassment. I don't mean to be but, I can't win.

I don't know how to make friends, not because I don't like someone but because I'm afraid of them.  I'm afraid that they'll hurt me.  I'm afraid to trust, to tell my secrets.  I'm scared that one day, you'll come back and slap me in the face with them.  I don't call because I want you to prove that you want to be my friend instead of me having to prove my worth to you. 

This person isn't who I wanted to grow up to be.  I didn't want to carry a heavy heart.  I didn't want to be this social misfit who's afraid to have any friends.  I don't want to be, to be...this...whatever it is...and I don't know how or if I can be anybody else.

Yep, it's a little gray around here with a good chance of rain.