Pictures with my sister

My sister, Gloria (#3 of 6) was here this past Friday.  I took the day off and we headed out with our cameras to see what we could find.  We're both a couple of beach bums from way back.  From as far as I can remember, she would come home from where ever her travels had taken her and we'd go to the beach.  It never mattered, winter, summer, spring or fall we'd trek off to the beach.  Sometimes to walk in the sand, or on the pier, sometimes to scale the ice or the rocks, rarely to swim.  Maybe that's where I learned about letting the breaking waves draw my fears from within and bring me peace.

We walked along on this day barely talking to each other.  The only sounds were the waves breaking over the beach and our cameras clicking with our treasures.  It felt great to have the wind in my hair and my soul cleansed.  I need to remember to go there more often.  (next time, I'll remember to turn the date stamp off on my camera too!  Duh!)

A little perk me up!

I've been in such a funk lately. My body isn't cooperating (I see the surgeon tomorrow, 3/25), my child never cooperates, my husband is working ALL the time, work for me is...well...work and I think I really just need something for ME! Something I do for myself that isn't for my husband, my child, my job, my home - just for me.

Y'all know that I bought a new camera last year. You've seen some of the pictures I've taken. I bought the tripod, the camera bag, the extra lens, UV filters, the big bag, the lens cleaning kit, and even a remote! All this shit that I have no clue how to use, what it does or how it works but, I sure do look like I know what I'm doing!

I did some community education searching yesterday. I wanted to find a class where the cost of the course benefits a cause - like an arts council or a community service. I did contact Allegan Area Arts Council and was put it touch with a photographer. She invited me (not like 'oh, you have to come. We'd be honoured to have you!' - invited me. It was an 'it's open to the public we don't lock the doors' - invited me) to the next Allegan Area Photography Club's meeting. I can't wait to go!

I called Jeremy to work out schedules so I could go and he said to me, "I saw your email from Norman Camera." I didn't think about then but, I didn't contact them yesterday...

I checked email at home last night, and sure enough, there was an email from Norman - their newsletter of class offerings for the month of May....talk about meant to be!

I have enrolled in a beginner's DSLR class. It's a 2 session, 2 hour class to teach me about my camera and some basic photography stuff. I also plan to take another intermediate class in the fall. It's a small step but, I can't believe how much better I feel!

"I saw an airplane - it was on FIRE!"

Jacob and I were out and about on Saturday and we happened upon what looked like part of an airplane, a semi truck, a firetruck, and an ambulance with about 50 firefighters in full turn-out gear with air packs all set up in a parking lot behind an abandoned factory. They had the hoses charged and lying on the ground. I saw flames in the top of the airplane and thought I had better pull over and watch this - not to mention Jacob was having a FREAK in the backseat. I found a gated drive to the parking lot and my Jacob watched intently while snacking on a box of popcorn.

We watched them for quite some time. They'd light the aircraft on fire and the firefighters would 'put the fire out'. They practiced hauling bodies from the craft. (And talk about realistic! They had sound effects of the fire and the people screaming who were stuck in the "wreckage".) They'd light it again and start all over with each group of 5 or 6 firefighters. The fire came out of the engines and the top of the craft then in a ring all around and depending on the firefighter's response the flames would either die out (if they did it right) or flare (if they did it wrong).

Check this out. (It's not the same outfit they contracted to provide the training but, it's similar to what we saw - I, of course, didn't have my camera - at least not the good one!)

On my mind

I kept telling myself "...if I can just get through St. Patrick's Day". I don't know what significance it holds - none really. There isn't anything special about that date. And now I find myself saying "if I can just get through Easter..." again, I'm not sure what Easter has to do with anything. I guess my little brain is just full.

* I'm scared to death of the mountain of hospital/Dr. bills that I'm building.

* I'm scared of tuition for Jacob's preschool.

* I'm thinking about the fence in the backyard that needs to be replaced and we don't have the money.

* I'm thinking about everything that needs to be put away at my house and the lack of storage.

* I'm thinking about the shit I have listed on eBay that isn't selling and the woman who bought an item but it's been three days and she didn't pay and the pile of very nice stuff that I have yet to list. I'm not reaching my goal of $20/week this week.

* I'm worried about having some of my guts removed. I have all of my original parts! I have never broken a bone in my body! I've never had a surgery. The regular dentist pulled my wisdom teeth!

* I really want to quit my job and do artsy stuff - but I can't because we can't afford it and I don't want to give up any of the nice things that I already have or the payment that goes with them. But I have a very nice camera that I don't know 3/4 of what it does and I want to learn but I already don't see my kid for 9 hours everyday.

* Jacob is going to need braces. Maybe not now but some day.

* Are we going to traumatize him as the worst parents EVER?

* The fruit in my fridge is going to rot and I spent $60 on all that fruit and I can't eat any more fruit because fruit makes me poop - A lot!

* I can't seem to get to sleep before midnight and all I'm doing is watching TV.

* I never post on Facebook anymore because I don't want to look like that lady who only updates when her family takes an expensive trip but, mostly because I don't have anything interesting to say in comparison to everyone else.

* I really just feel like being a snarky-snark-snarker and saying everything mean that I want to say in hopes that if I get all of my snarkyness out so I'll feel better. (I love that word - snarky. I heard it on The Real Housewives of New York City and I've been looking for somewhere to use it in a sentance.)

* I worry that Jacob won't be a popular kid in school. Then I worry that I won't be able to afford for him to be the popular kid in school because I'll still be paying hospital bills.

* I worry that Jacob will get beat up at school/in school/on the way home from school.

* I worry that kids won't like him.

* I worry that the moms won't like me!

* I'm addicted to buying cheap books. I just can't stop!

...and you think you've got problems!?!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

What isn't worth it?

There was a question posed on a television show I was watching lat night. The question was referring to having kids, "What makes it worth it?" That got me thinking about what was worth it:

Waking up in the morning with his face right in front of mine,"Daddy, don't you want to play with me?", the big hugs and kisses. "Daddy, I love you sooo much." The dance he does while watching almost any show with music, and now learning the words to those songs. The infatuation with the Police, Fire, and all emergency departments. The list goes on and on, I could sit here and write everything he does.

What my question now is "What isn't worth it?"

I love you buddy, thank you.

Backwards Day

Typically, when it comes to day-care, Jeremy is the "drop offer" and I am the "pick upper" but today was "Backwards Day"! We've been going over and over about Backwards Day - Jacob asks, "Who's the drop offer? Who's the pick upper?"

Jeremy had to work this morning and I had my follow-up appointment, so we switched. I got to take Jacob to his Occupational Therapy this morning - which I never do. Oh! He has made so many improvements! I watched him roll on a ball without crying "don't let me fall, you won't let me fall," etc. I watched him walk on the balance beam and climb up the "hill" which is a foam triangle that he climbs up and onto the massage table. I watched him walk like a bear and draw circles. I even watched him jump on the trampoline! He's working to strengthen his trunk muscles and he's doing very well! I was so proud I almost cried!

His therapist and I talked about preschool too. I mentioned to her that we had registered him in the MSRP (is what they call it - I don't know what it means! I do now - it's the Michigan School Readiness Program - thank you Cindi H.) and she thought their program would be best for Jacob and his gross motor delay. I was a little nervous in picking a preschool but, her opinion/input sealed the deal! She was also impressed with Jacob's progress with her. He'll be able to continue Occupational Therapy at this new preschool. Like I said in an earlier post, preschool options in our town are very limited. Especially for a child who needs Occupational Therapy. Once he actually starts school (kindergarten), he can continue through the public school system (as he does now). Once he starts preschool - we can't pull him from his class, take him to therapy at another school and return him - it's too disruptive.

I was the "drop offer" this morning in taking Jacob to day-care. I much prefer being the "pick upper". He's always happy to see me! I also told Jeremy that his job as "pick upper" today included picking up some supper. How's that for "Backwards Day"?

Referral

I went to see my regular Doctor today as a follow-up from my ER visit.

He seems to be against the gallbladder. He did order some additional blood work to rule out H. Pylori (bacteria that cause peptic) ulcers - which I did and came back negative - and referred me to a surgeon. I'm waiting for the appointment to be scheduled. I don't know that it will be a surgeon - that's the word my Dr. used. My Dr. is an OB/GYN - I don't have a family Dr. - I'm trying to be patient while he figures out what to do/where to go/where to send me. I was also told to be prepared for a lot more tests including a nuclear scan of my gallbladder.

I'm still quite uncomfortable. No pain, thankfully. My stomach always feels empty and the crampiness you do get when it is empty. Though I am always completely honest with you all, I am not always completely open. I have many other things going on with my digestive tract that I'm just not comfortable talking about here and I'm not going to post details of them because frankly - it's just TMI and I'm uncomfortable talking about it here.

In the meantime, a friend had recommended a couple of herbal cleanses and I'm going to try them, as well as make some changes in my diet and see what happens. She recommended a liver cleanse as well as The Beet Recipe. Not that I'm all organic and herby but really, what's it going to hurt to try it? Purple poop again? I think I can deal with it!

Recouperating

Thank you for your prayers and well wishes!

I'm doing...okay. I did have another bout on Friday afternoon (cashews are the common denominator between Thursday and Friday - though I haven't found what caused Tuesday or Wednesday). I left work early and went home to the safety of my couch. Jeremy's mom came later to help with Jay until Jeremy got home.

I have learned a few things that trigger these 'episodes'. I will not eat cashews EVER again nor will I consume any more pineapple. Funny though, chili cheese fries, have no effect! I'm eating very carefully to pinpoint what causes trouble and what doesn't.

I didn't have any more issues through the weekend. Though my stomach does feel, I guess sour is a good word...kinda queasy but, I don't have any nausea. This has remained unchanged. I'm very tired. I can't seem to get enough rest and I don't have any energy. I also have a lot of burps (more like belches - they're kinda loud but thankfully, these 'smart farts' are taking the elevator!) from what ever I do eat. Right now - it's chocolate chip cookie, again, and again, and again.

I see my Dr. on Tuesday and after talking with one of my sisters who had a very similar experience (pain to beat all hell, a clear U/S, and clear blood work - ended up with a nuclear scan of her gallbladder to find it was functioning at only 7%! Now I don't understand how functioning at 7% is BAD - compared to having no gall bladder at all!?!) I'm certain there are more tests in my future. I'm taking a lot of notes for tomorrow's appointment. I'll keep you posted.

Liver & Onions

I'd gladly eat Liver & Onions with a side of Lima beans and a dirty lettuce salad topped with Blue Cheese dressing - as long as I don't EVER have to consume a cup of Maalox mixed with Lidocaine EVER again! I'll get back to this cocktail in a minute.

If you didn't know this, I have always had trouble with my stomach. I am known to carry antacids (in pill and in tablet form). I get really sick when I get nervous, or upset. I have troubles with milk based foods. I also have trouble with fast food.

My stomach troubles picked up again this week. I've had a horrible clenching feeling at the top of my stomach after eating lunch every day this week. I eat lunch, spend an hour doubled over and it goes away.

I'd eaten lunch yesterday, (half a roast beef and cheese sandwich, a handful of chips and a few cashew nuts) and about a half hour after eating, as expected, here came the pain! An hour passed but, it didn't leave. Into the second hour, I called Jeremy, he convinced me to call my Dr., I talked to his nurse and waited for her to call back. Dr. wanted an ultrasound of my gallbladder but traditional means require a 6 hour fast and he didn't want to waste that time so I was sent to the hospital emergency room.

The clock read 3:25 PM when I checked in at the hospital. I sat patiently in the waiting room holding my stomach for about 10 minutes before I was called back. The poor woman in reception had to ask me each question twice as all I could concentrate on was the huge trash can behind her and how I could plow her over to get to it to throw up!

The nurse led me back to room 9 and rounding the corner back to my room, I caught a whiff of disinfectant and I thought I'd see my lunch again as the gal dove for a trash can for me - luckily I didn't need it. She got me settled in my room with a lovely gown and a "Sickness Bag" to wait for the other nurse.

I had a heck of a time getting comfortable on that gurney. Sit up, lie down, on my side, on my back, left, right - nothing eased the pain or the nausea. Oh the nausea! The nurse came back with a Paramedic Student named Shawn. Surprisingly, Shawn put me at ease (he reminded me a lot of our friend Shaun from the fire department). He asked, I answered and I went back to waiting.

Then came the Dr. and I about fell out of that bed! He looked just like an ex-boyfriend of mine! I had to look at him twice! I mean I knew it couldn't be - Randy is a fire chief up by Manistee. There's no freaking way he's a Dr.! Anyway, he poked and prodded, prodded and poked. He asked a bunch of questions and left.

Soon after, the gal came in and took 3 vials of my blood. She did a great job! I'm a needle chicken and I barely noticed the poke. She had 2 of the 3 done before I even knew it! I don't even have a bruise!

And then another guy came and we went for a ride on the gurney to the ultrasound room for them to take some pictures of my gallbladder! I really would have rather walked than be pushed on that gurney! The U/S Tech poked and prodded and clicked on her computer. When her task was complete, she wheeled me back to number nine. As we were rounding the last corner, I looked up and there was Jeremy coming down the hall. He'd sent Jacob off with G & G S. and came to be with me. Though he missed the worst of it all, I have never been happier to see him!

Back in room 9 and alone with Jeremy, I finally could let it go. I had a few tears from my hurt and for being scared. The clenching in my stomach was starting to ease. I finally had to pee - and give them the long awaited sample for my last test.

Around 5:00 PM the Dr. came back in said all of my tests were normal. My ultrasound showed that my gallbladder was clinched and the didn't see any gallstones though sometimes the clinching can hide them. There wasn't anything to cause alarm. He said he'd have the nurse bring back my cocktail (Maalox and Lidocaine, remember?) and I could go. Maalox for the acid in my stomach, Lidocaine to numb it. I was really surprised to see the Dr. come back with a little cup, "Here you go!" he said. Think peppermint flavored Bactine. I have never tasted ANYTHING THAT AWFUL! I was numb from the teeth back. Dr. came back once more, asked if I drank it or threw it in the trash, he admitted that he'd smelled it, that it smelled really bad, and he turned me loose.

I was diagnosed with gastritis, given a prescription for Prevacid with instructions to follow up with my regular doctor.

I was out and heading home at 6:04 PM - not bad. Not bad. I met Jeremy back at home, we went and picked up Jacob, came back home where I crashed on the couch. Jacob was most interested in my "ban-bains" (Band-Aids) which were actually the ID bands from the hospital. He was satisfied once they were off - though he kept them.

Jacob was still worried about me this morning "Mommy? Are you okay?" I am feeling much better. Still a little queasy but, no pain. I'm taking my diet back to bland and start slowly introducing foods/drinks to see if I can establish a pattern or what sets this off. I'm thankful to not have anything serious, thankful Jeremy could be there with me but, a little scared for the bill. Let's hope it doesn't send me back there!

Registered

I registered my baby for preschool yesterday.

I can't believe he's going to be 5 already this year. It seems like he only turned 3 this morning!

The choice of preschools is pretty limited in our area. One preschool is run from some one's home - I'm not comfortable with that. One is income based and we don't qualify. One is run by the Catholic church - we're Lutheran. One is run by The River church - did I mention we're Lutheran? Lastly, and my choice is run by the people that provided us services through Early On before Jacob was 3. I have heard many excellent things about their preschool program and Jacob should be able to continue his Occupational Therapy there too.

I'm told it's 4 half days but, I don't know what days yet and what constitutes a 'half day'.

The next step is a post card from the school, then a call from the actual teacher.

Stay tuned - Jacob will start college next week!

How he's grown!

I didn't think Jacob had grown much taller in the past year! As you'll see, the proof is in the police car!

Now that Jacob has mastered #2 on the pottie, our stalking of the Sheriff, the fire district, and city police has resumed. I took this on Friday night (3/05/2010). I apologize for the blur - it's a cell phone shot.



And this is from last year, (3/18/09).

This car is our friend "Self". He's named "Self" as he's always behind the Sheriff Department, all by himself. You can also see our friend, "Dirty" (the white car) in the background. He's always dirty.

I'm not sure how I managed to get the same door on the same car, almost a full year apart...is it luck? Or the result of the stalking? :)

from the past

I was talking to my brother this morning and he asked if I remember my Grandma and Grandpa Nolff's (Edna's parents) cottage on Manistee Lake in Kalkaska.

I barely remember.

I remember eating cereal at a little table. I remember the wood paneling on all of the walls. I remember the carpeting. And I remember the stepping stones - from, I think the house to the water - they were little feet, including toes! I also remember one trip out in the lake on Grandpa's pontoon and all I remember about that was my cousin sleeping on the deck of the boat. My brother and sisters remember more, I'm sure. According to my memory, I'd only been there the one time though I do have photographic evidence to prove otherwise, I was just a baby/toddler then. We didn't go there as much after my dad was sick. We didn't do much of anything they used to do after my dad got sick...

The cottage was sold after Grandpa died (1992) and has since been remodeled. I'm hoping to rent it one summer and see what comes back to me.

I wanted to share this little piece of my past with you.

Retirement

I was feeling sorry for myself yesterday and it felt really good to get all of that out. I've been carrying those feelings for a long time. Though it is true - I do spend A LOT of time alone. I do get tired of never having my husband home with me - and I really mean never! I want to be a regular family that does regular things - together. Yet, those wants or feelings are never going to change, Jeremy's job isn't going to change, and I have to work full-time so, I have to figure out how to fit what I need to do for myself into this life that I already have. Maybe I just need to be thankful that Jeremy does have Easter weekend off, despite him having to work on Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, Father's Day, and all those other days when I want him home.

My sister put it into a unique perspective for me - Think of that woman who's husband is a REAL asshole, and she has to go home to him EVERY single night. Be glad you're not her!

Now I told all of you what I really want to do with my time and what I don't. I've found a solution - I simply need to retire.

It's true, I'd love nothing more than to be retired. Think about it - retirement would solve all of my problems. I could read. I could write more. I could visit my sister. I could blog. I could quilt. I could sew those awesome hooded towels that everyone loves. I could crochet afghans for new babies and dish clothes for us oldies that love them. I could make my chocolates for every holiday. I could run on my own clock, spend time with Jeremy when he IS home. I could set my own hours and a job wouldn't get in my way. Yet, I'd still have a solid income. I guess that's why we all have dreams...sadly, retirement is 20+ years away.

Can you imagine what my stack of books that I want to read is going to look like in 20+ years!?!

In all honesty, I do get very tired of what this life is for me right now. I get frustrated when my husband doesn't see my misery let alone attempt to understand it. My post yesterday did help. Sometimes, I do resent Jeremy for the choices he's made, yet not for the responsibility of my choices. After all, it is about choices, isn't it? I choose this life for me. I could choose to ditch my husband and child to pursue my wants. I choose not to. I could hire teenage girls to baby-sit Jacob while I take a class here or there. I choose to be responsible about his care. I could leave my child with his grandparents every chance I had to run off and do my thing but, we chose Jacob and I choose to be his mom. I choose to be with my son every chance I get. I choose to take care of my home, my husband and my child. I choose to not follow my dreams - for now. I'm choosing to wait for retirement.

Alone time.

I used to enjoy my alone time. Time before Jacob was born. Time that I had to do what I wanted, go when I wanted, sleep when I wanted, and be alone when I wanted. I used a lot of my time while Jeremy was working to work on our house, to crochet, to read, to sew and yes, sometimes to just watch TV and nothing more.

Then came Jacob. The alone time still wasn't bad. I was always tired. Always doing laundry, doing dishes, and changing diapers! I'd put Jacob down for the night and most nights, I'd put myself down too.

As Jacob is getting older, so is this alone time. I've done enough laundry, enough dishes, and the diapers are gone. I put Jacob down for the night and I stare mindlessly at the television alone.

I do most everything alone - this month is no exception. Guess how many days off Jeremy and I have together this month? Guess!?! Zero, zip, nil, none, nada. That's right - not even one. Not only that, half of Jeremy's weekend days, are long days, leaving me home alone with Jacob all day. It's not that I can't handle him all day but, it makes for a long day as Jacob's A-#1, most fun thing to do is to bug me (and I don't mean pester, I mean do really naughty things that get him in the corner, run from me in stores, run out of stores, throw fits in stores - that kind of bug!). It means that I have to do fun things with Jacob - alone. It means that I have to run errands with Jacob - alone. It means that I have to punish him - alone. I can go visit - but I still come home to an empty house and sometimes, that's worse than just staying there in the first place. It's like ALONE is there again flashing in purple neon from my window - blink-blink-blinketty-blink, waiting for my return.

I lose interest in reading - there isn't anyone to share the story with, and you can't find anything to put you into your own self better than a book! I don't have anyone to crochet for. And hauling out my sewing machine to put everything away again later that night so Jacob doesn't run off with my sewing scissors doesn't appeal to me either. There are always house projects to do too - alone. I have no ambition left for these things anymore. To figure it out by myself, buy all the stuff by myself, do all the prep work by myself and then finish the job by myself, and then show it to who? Oh yeah, Me. I should have a sense of accomplishment, huh? Not anymore. I think that left with the 20th project I finished - alone. What is the use if the one person I want to appreciate my talents the most is never here to see them?

One would think all of this time alone would lend to other things I want to do since I'm alone. And I do. It does. I have fantastic dreams for myself. I want to take a writing class, a photography class, and in reality I've cancelled going back to school because I can't. I can't get around Jeremy's schedule. And with only 2 nights a week that I see him - do I want to give those up too? On top of everything else? It's bad enough that Jeremy's schedule can't even coincide with Jacob's therapy this month, how can I expect it to work around my class schedule too? Then again, I have Jacob at home every night (alone) - when is there time to read, or write, or take pictures, or do anything at all that's just for me?

And that leads me back around again to staring mindlessly at my television dreaming of the things I want to do rather than be alone. Yet there I will be, still alone.