As the drain swirls - continued

Look!  It's a ceiling!  And wow, wow, wow, is it BRIGHT in there!

John was in this week and mudded again.  He'll be back on Sunday to do 1 more mudding and he'll put in my new sink.

Rest in Peace, Cutter

We found out this afternoon that we lost another good friend.  This is Cutter with Jacob on the floor, in the lobby at Manistee National Golf & Resort.  We stay there in the off season on trips to Manistee.  The price is right, the staff accommodating, the coffee always hot, the pool is typically empty, And they have Cutter - their "mascot" (the general manager's dog).  Sadly, Cutter was put to sleep on December 28th, 2009.  He's in doggie heaven chasing golf balls and begging for bagels.

We'll miss you "Old dog".

Fate? Destiny? Divine Intervention? All of the above?

I've been reflecting quite a bit in the past few months.  Thinking about my parents, my family, my friends, my challenges, my accomplishments, and of course, my failures. 

As I'm looking back, over the roads I've traveled and I see all of these bumps, and I see hills, valleys, dead ends, turn arounds, cut offs, short cuts, left turns, right turns, and I see where I am now.

I remember going down all of those streets, all of the intersections that led me to where I am today and I begin to wonder what it was that drove me to make the choices that I made.  Each turn.  Each road.  And sometimes, what made me stop or turn back?

Yet I realize, had I missed any single hill, not turned around at the right time, turned right instead of left, I would have missed what I have right here in front of me.

I would have jumped on the freeway and avoided the bumpy dirt road to Jacob.  I wouldn't have kept driving on the wrong street and gone right on by the man who has my heart.  I would have turned right to avoid the discomfort of taking a left and missed the amazing women I met through this blog.  I would have continued down a dead end and missed reconciliation in meeting an old friend for lunch.  So many instances in my life where I got out (or in) just in time.  How does that happen?  How can you explain it away?

I do believe your life is mapped out before you.  I believe the route is planned out before the stork leaves the nest.  I believe God has it all taken care of for you before He's even done with your creation.  I believe that every step I've taken and every new step ahead of me is all a part of His plan.  Each failure or mistake  is behind every accomplishment.

Every day I am thankful for God's plan.  Thankful for the people He's brought me, the people He's moved me on from, and the people He's taken to be with him. Thankful for where he's taken me and the directions he's given.

Cryin' for me

When I was confirmed in the Lutheran Church, my parents gave me a blue Bible embossed with my name in gold letters on the front.  I've carried that Bible with me every where I have lived. At some places, it was set out on a table, some stored in a drawer, now on the bookshelf in our den. Sadly, the only time it is opened is to store another Remembrance Card from another funeral. 

My best friend from high school lost her mom to a courageous 14 year battle with breast cancer this past week. The funeral was yesterday. I came home from Manistee and added another card to my safe place inside my Bible. Everytime I add a card, I look through them all and remember those I have lost. This morning though, I was remembering Jean's funeral yesterday and I was so moved by the strength of her kids and this family that Jean left behind. We all witnessed a tender moment at the funeral when her kids gathered around the urn, with arms around each other, remembering, loving their mother. As I sat in my seat watching them, I felt one single warm, wet tear run down my cheek.

I was sad for them, for losing their mother. I think though, I was more sad at the thought of losing mine. And not because I'd miss her - I'd miss her because she IS my mother but, she never WAS a mother and I don't love her for the things she did as a mother but, because she is my mother.  I was sad in knowing that we didn't come together as a family like that when we lost my dad.  I'm certain we won't when we lose my mom.  All I remember in losing my dad was feeling terribly alone.  I was, maybe happy for them to have that closeness, yet it hurt to know that we, as a family don't.

As I'm there at the funeral thinking all of this through, this song was played and it couldn't have been more fitting. (sorry to hit y'all with song lyrics - again!)

Cryin' for me
(Toby Keith)
Got the news on Friday mornin’
But a tear I couldn’t find
You showed me how I’m supposed to live
And now you showed me how to die
I was lost till Sunday mornin’
I woke up to face my fear
While I’m writing you this goodbye song
I found a tear

I’m gonna miss that smile
I’m gonna miss you my friend
Even though it hurts the way it ended up
I’d do it all again
So play it sweet in heaven
‘Cause that’s right where you wana be
I’m not crying because I feel so sorry for you
I’m crying for me

I got up and dialed your number
And your voice came on the line
That old familiar message
I heard a thousand times it just said
Sorry that I missed you
Leave a message and god bless
I know you think I’m crazy
But I had to hear your voice again

I’m gonna miss that smile
I’m gonna miss you my friend
Even though it hurts the way it ended up
I’d do it all again
So play it sweet in heaven
‘Cause that’s right where you wana be
I’m not crying because I feel so sorry for you
I’m crying for me


I feel a guilty, a little selfish, thinking of myself when my friend lost her mom.  And then I think - isn't that what we're supposed to take from a funeral?  Aren't we supposed to come away thinking about how we can improve our lives?

Unwritten

It's not a secret, I've been struggling to write here. I'll start something and I'm not comfortable sharing it so I don't or I try to stick with something safe - like pictures. I have ideas, thoughts or stories on the tip of my tongue but, I'm afraid they cross this imaginary line drawn between what I think and what is acceptable to share.  I really had a hard time clicking 'publish' with the last post.

One of my sisters has given me an amazing amount of encouragment to get back into writing. She's preparing for a writing class this spring and like me, she's haunted by a book with all blank pages.  She shared something with me regarding her haunt and now I'm going to share it with you. It's a song from Natasha Bedingfield.  I'm sure you've heard it on the radio.

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned


Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins


The rest is still unwritten

I wish you courage in your class, sis.  I hope for you to be able to fill those haunting blank pages with your thoughts.  I think once you get going and get comfortable, you'll really enjoy the peace it brings to you.

Sink or Swim?

It's not a secret. Edna wasn't/isn't a hands on or a helpful parent to her children. She wasn't a mother to us - she's even worse as a grandparent. And I'm just going to stop here before I go into an ugly tirade far off from my goal of this post.

Edna made it clear to her children that she wasn't going to be counted on as a baby-sitter. It was always clear to us that 'moving back home' wasn't an option. Never mind that we all couldn't wait to get out of her house that none of us ever would come back. There is no limit to what I would do to avoid 'moving back home' and I AM NOT kidding you! I would work 10 jobs at $5 an hour and live out of my car before I moved in with her - Yes, I am considering my small child in this equation.

Edna wasn't much of a help to us. Sure, she loaned money (of which I can proudly say I have paid back ALL of my loans) but, most times it wasn't worth the head/heart ache to borrow it. We're talking signing promissory notes here. Daily badgering of the money YOU borrowed and when you were going to start to repay it. As well as a lifetime of her telling anyone who will listen that she gave you money. Asking for Edna's help resulted in more tears and arguements than it did help. Especially as I've gotten older.

It may sound cold and heartless to you, the way my mother is and maybe it is - I won't lie to you - it hurts more often than not but, I think to myself at times, You know Gail, where would you be if you thought you could always go back and have your mommy rescue you? Why does your mommy need to solve this problem? Is it HER problem? OR is it a problem YOU created as a result of your own poor choices? Yes, a lot of things could have been a lot easier with help from my mother. Is anything learned by having someone else fix your mistakes? Is anything worth having ever easy? Could I take pride in her having done it for me? As it is, I have pride in myself.

I'm proud of myself for being as independent as I am. I'm proud of myself for knowing that I am able to do what I need to do for myself and for my family to survive. I like knowing that I can do it. That I am swimming.

As the drain swirls

Remember last March when I lost my bathroom ceiling?

We finally found some help to put up the drop tile ceiling. John (not related to John of the previous post John) came Sunday morning to get started. Here's what it looked like when he started.

(I'm sorry if you can't see the picture - at work, I can't. For some reason it's classified as "Intimate Apparel - Swimsuit")



And after he left 5 hours later.

Hold on! Let me explain why it looks like he did nothing.

He did get all the outside edge for the drop ceiling up just to find out that our bathroom is so out of square that when he tried to put in the first tile in this corner, it wouldn't stay up!

I feel so badly for wasting his time!

John is coming back this Sunday to start to give me a drywall ceiling - what I really wanted in the first place but was afraid to do in the event of another plumbing issue. One day, he'll come back to help with new crown moulding too. But for now, I'll simply settle for a ceiling.

More good news! A new sink and faucet have been ordered for this bathroom as well!

Crossing Paths

Besides Jeremy, I've had 2 other long term relationships. Together totalling 11 years, 2 proposals and 2 rings. The proposals were both accepted. So were the rings. Obviously both rings were returned and neither wedding happened - though one was much closer to a reality than the other.

I haven't talked to either of these guys in quite some time. Randy, it's been at least 10 years probably more, and John, about 4 years (the same John from this post). I last talked to him right after Jacob was born.

I crossed paths (unbeknownst) with both of them yesterday in cyber world. Randy, I came across on a popular social networking site. We have a few mutual friends but are not friends with each other. He's married now and is the local fire chief. (Now you know where the firetruck fetish comes from.) I had kept in touch with his grandmother through Christmas Cards but, she stopped sending a couple of years ago. Edna sends me newspaper clippings about him once in awhile. Our wedding plans started falling apart. I had quit planning. I knew I didn't want to get married and I cancelled our wedding about a month before it...because I met John.

I was doing a search online (unrelated actually) and John's name came up. Same address. Same phone number. Except there was a woman listed there too. A woman 3 years older than me. A woman with the same last name as his. He got married! And I bet she was the woman caller when I offered those Michigan tickets!! He wasn't getting married again! So I thought. So he told me. Oh, wait - he wasn't getting married to me-married again! I get it. It doesn't matter that I gave him his ring back. Right? He's supposed to miss me and pine for me, and be alone, for the rest of his life, right? So what that I didn't tell him I got married? So what that I let his mother show him my wedding announcement in the local newspaper about a year after I left? And again with Jacob's birth announcement because I couldn't manage the words when I called to tell him myself? Oh, that doesn't matter!

I walked away from John about a month before I met Jeremy. I got a letter in the mail from him and I never responded, and didn't make any attempt at a resolution. It was a fitting end to a relationship long overdue. 5 years overdue of the 6 years we were together. It simply wasn't meant to be, it wasn't from the beginning but, neither of us would admit it. Neither of us would let the other go.

Finding my strength and walking away from John was one of the best things I've ever done in my life. Marrying Jeremy and adopting Jacob would not have been possible had I not. I don't regret the choice that I made. Sometimes I struggle with the lack of closure but, I'll never regret the choice.

Thoughts on Giving MY Advice

Before Jacob was born, a colleague gave me a piece of advice.  He said, "The best piece of advice I can give you is to ignore everyone else's advice".

I remember back to being a new mom, when everyone thought that by adopting, I had NO CLUE what was heading my way  - and I didn't - but, the last thing I wanted was to be told by everyone else what TO DO.  I wanted to experience for myself.  Sure, I had problems along the way and I asked for help but, I remember most often being TOLD what to do.  I didn't like it.

Now, Jacob is 4, and I still don't like for anyone to tell me what to do.  We will figure out how to get him to #2 on the potty.  We'll figure out how to work through his Sensory Processing Disorder.  We'll figure out his behavior issues.  Again, I still don't like being TOLD what to do.

Yet I'm doing it.  I keep finding myself telling people what to do.  Why am I doing that?  How did I forget how that feels when it's done to me?

Every person has their opinion on everything.  And everyone is entitled to their own opinion.  Freedom of speech enables you to voice that opinion.  Voicing your opinions too often, reverses that quote, "Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one." and makes you the asshole.  I don't want to be an asshole. 

Offering your 2 cents, playing Devil's advocate, call it what you want - it's still forcing your advice or your opinions on someone else.  I have too many opinions and have been giving too much advice and forcing my opinions as of late.  I think recognition is the first step to change.  I see it.  I don't like it.  I'm changing it.

I'm sorry it took me so long to realize.

Comfort food

I love winter.  Despite the cold and the snow and the icy roads, I do - I really love winter.  I love the soups, stews and casseroles that come with winter.  I love the warmth in the kitchen from the simmering pots and the warm oven.  Until it gets too warm and I have to open the door.

I made an old favorite this weekend - German Potato Salad.  There has been some debate over which recipe is better.  There are 2 recipes in the Trinity Lutheran Church cookbook (with the yellow cover).  There is Garnet L's recipe - containing celery and eggs.  And there is Elaine A's recipe that is essentially potatoes, vinegar, sugar and bacon.  I am an Elaine A. recipe follower though, Garnet L. was an EXCELLENT cook/baker in her day - she also happens to be the Grandmother of my childhood best friend.  I think the next time I do make this (my big pot is almost gone!), I'll try the Garnet L. recipe and we'll put it to a vote.

Jeremy also did a ham on Sunday with Au Gratin potatoes and broccoli.  It was fantastic!  Spiral ham, with a honey glaze, cooked just long enough.  I am a real ham kinda girl.  Not that pressed loaf that looks like a football!  I'll be saving the bone from this one for some split pea soup in the near future.

I also looked up some recipes to use my electric skillet.  I never use that thing!  I found a ranch type potato recipe to go with chicken (that I just happen to have in my freezer!) and one for a Camper's Breakfast Skillet - how come I never think to have breakfast for dinner?  What can be better than eggs, bacon, potatoes and cheese all cooked together?

I broke my crockpot making a bean soup recipe.  It was great soup and probably not the reason my crock broke but, it's still out of commission for now.  You know, I've never been comfortable to leave something in the crockpot all day to cook when/if I'm not there.  So many times, I've had crockpot recipes take less time to cook and I wonder what would have happened had I not been home.

I am seriously thinking that we need a dog.  I wouldn't have to vacuum as often.  I wouldn't have as much food hit the floor under Jacob's chair.   I'd have something to walk to work off all of that comfort food!

Thoughts on Tips

I've noticed lately, this abundance of little tip cups everywhere.  There is one at every coffee shop I've gone to.  There is one at the little convenience store/deli up the street from us.    I've even seen them at drive thru windows and I just don't get it!

Okay - here in Michigan, most servers make $2.65 and hour plus tips.  Now, I believe as a server, your minimum job is to bring me my food and my drinks.  Anything s/he does over and above that, makes the tip.  Checking on me, refilling my drink, getting extra napkins, being friendly yet not overly abounding.  All those things bring you up to a 15-20% - maybe more, tip.  I have left restaurants without leaving a tip.

Jeremy, as a restaurant manager, has a hard time making his servers understand that people are NOT required to tip.  It's not something that is required or deserved, it's something that is earned based on your commitment, your attention, your service.

I worked in food service for many years. It sucks. The pay is bad, I know it is. We got tips too then. A nice little grandma pressing a dollar into your hand. That always meant more to me than a few coins dropped into a cup that we ALL had to split.

My parents generation seems to think a $2 tip is sufficient everywhere, all the time, no matter the service or the size of the bill.  They leave $2 and that's it.  I always slip back after my mom and leave money for a server/bartender.

I do tip Sarah, my hairdresser.  My haircut is $12-$15 and I always give her $20.  She works in a shop and has to rent her space.  I'm sure if she cut hair at her home, she'd charge less and I would still tip her but more than likely not on the scale I currently tip.  Yes, I do give her a tip at Christmas time too.  Typically 1 haircuts worth.

I don't have a problem with tipping.

I do have a problem going to a coffee shop drive-thru where high school/college girls/guys get paid an hourly wage to stand at this little window and hand me coffee.  I mean really, I pull up, tell this little box what I want, drive around to the window where s/he hands it to me.  Their little box out there on the ledge, cleverly drawn on with a marker sits there just waiting for me to drop some thing in it - FOR WHAT!  You get paid $5-$8 an hour to do this. To hand me coffee? It's your job!  Same as the store up the street, this gal gets paid $8 and hour to broast chicken or make me a sandwich. Sure, she does a good job and she's nice. But - do you actually tip a cook in a restaurant for doing the same thing?  Does that cook ever see your money?

Should there be a tip cup at the Wal*Mart cashier?  Maybe my insurance agent should get one?  The nurse at my doctor's office?  How abouth the mail carrier?  The FedEx guy?  How about the plumber?  What's the difference?  The Wal*Mart cashier did a lot more than hand me coffee, s/he bagged all my groceries!  And the mail carrier, she's out walking in the snow just to bring me my mail and that's her job.  Where does it end? 

Out of practice

I'm back to work this morning after my wonderful holiday break (I last worked on December 23!). We stayed close to home this year. I didn't go to Manistee and we hosted Christmas with Jeremy's family at our house.

We did go sledding with Uncle David, Aunt Jenny, Brooke and Daisy.  Jacob's first time sledding.  I have some great pictures to share.  Even my big old butt got on the sled!  :)

I spoke to Edna on Christmas Day. The first time since around Halloween.

All in all, Christmas was good.  I like my new bathrobe (it's not PINK like my old one) and my mother-in-law came through with the much needed slippers that my husband watched me throw in the trash and didn't replace.  Thanks Mom!  Though I still haven't quite forgiven him for the perfume yet.  MAN PERFUME!!  It said "FOR MEN" on the box.  He did buy the right brand and I do like the men's version of it - on him.  Call it a win/win, I guess?

Jacob had a firetruck Christmas.  I know, big surprise, huh?  Firestation for his trains, Firetruck/Firefighter books, Lego Firetrucks and Firestation.  Even Santa brought him a firetruck!  And a sled!  I'll get some pictures up soon (I promise).  He was amazed that Santa liked our cookies and the reindeer ate "all the carrots!".  "Wook mommy!  He taked a bite!"

Today, driving in to work was the first I've driven since December 24. I've left my house. Maybe once or twice.

This is the first I've updated here in over 2 weeks. I rarely go that long between posts! I used to have so many ideas or subjects to blog about. At one point, I even had a whole queue of posts I had written ahead of time, set to publish. I look back and I can't believe I'm the same person that had so much to say.  Now, I tend to overthink every word.  Now, I find it easier to avoid this place altogether.  Now, I find it a struggle to even upload a few pictures and I still don't know how to get the pictures off of my camera!  Jeremy has showed me at least 10 times and I just can't grasp it. I'm not really comfortable writing anything anymore. I've started a number of other blogs, hidden of course, thinking Maybe I can write here. Maybe I can only write if I know it won't be read but, I've deleted them because it's not that I'm scared (anymore), it's that I feel I don't have anything to say or at least nothing of value.  Though, I have been reading other blogs - venturing out from my comfort zone, and added a few new bloggers to my collection of reading material.  While searching out some that I liked, I thought to myself what you write or what you say can't be any worse than this shit, can it?  I didn't think so either.

My company reinstated their tuition reimbursement program which is great. My boss is urging me to go back to school, which I should do, I want to do, and I need to do but, something is telling me that this isn't the right time. I'm not procrastinating. This is something I want to do!  I really do! Something stronger is telling me that the time isn't right. I don't know how to convey to him that the timing is off and I'm very uneasy about starting now.

Jeremy's work schedule has changed a little bit. He now has more regularly scheduled days off. This month, it's Tuesday and Sundays off. I'm not sure if this is going to continue this way, if he'll have different days off each month, or if this was just a one month fluke. I didn't know being the wife of a restaurant manager was going to be this lonely. It didn't register that he'd never be home at night or on weekends, that he'd never have holiday time off - that I'd be in this mostly alone. This change is going to hit hard on our day-care budget though, I think I'll take that in trade to have my husband home.

I'm feeling quite a bit out of sorts beginning this year. A little uncomfortable in my own skin. So many things have changed. I feel out of touch, out of practice. I spent a lot of time this break, staring at the television watching mindless programming in marathon formatting - so mindless that I'm embarrassed to even tell you of the junk I have watched. I think it's safe to say there may be a little underlying depression going on here.

I am going to make more of an effort to write again this year and to kick this funk I'm in. I'm going forward with the attitude of read or don't it's your choice. We, as a family have decided to travel less this year, stay closer to home and do more in our own community. We're still working to spend less, save more and it's been a small success in doing so. Hopefully, I can do this too. Though this Christmas, my resolve of not drinking pop has gone out the window (see my postscript). Some willpower I have!?!

I wish all of you a wonderful 2010 and I hope all of your wishes, plans and dreams come true!

P.S. MOUNTAIN DEW THROWBACK HAS RETURNED!!! (for a limited time, of course)