Aw, Kate's a mom!

My blog friend, Kate had her baby boy yesterday. A little bit early but, for as little details as I have, it sounds as if all is well. Keaton Bruske Kono, is his name. I can't wait to see pictures of him and his proud new parents!

I'm so happy for you Kate. I know you'll be a wonderful mom!

**For you baby lovers, Kate posted pictures last night! Follow the link on her name above and meet Keaton.

I did get an email from Kate yesterday. They're doing well, keeping an extra eye on the baby as he was early but, he is doing really good.

It's a slow day...

The Christmas tree is down and ready to be put back in the attic. Almost all of the evidence has been removed - except for the vast amount of new toys scattered everywhere!

Today, I'm working on reclaiming my home. Reorganizing my decorations, wrappings, boxes, etc. We've been sorting toys and building our yard sale pile in the basement (which flooded again from them huge melt and the rain).

We had a very good Christmas. Christmas Eve, Jeremy, Jacob, and I opened our gifts to each other and played with toys. Santa came and left a huge train table. We spent Christmas Day with Brammie and Bampa, Jeremy's sisters and their families. We did have a great time! It was good to have everyone together.

Friday afternoon, Jeremy, Jacob and I went down to Bronson for Larry's visitation. It was good to see Larry's family, my sister and her kids too. Jacob blew kisses to "Bampa Larry" and told him goodbye. I cried. Jacob was aiming for old lady ankles with his trucks and hitting his targets. Thankfully, he's cute and they got a kick out of him while we made him apologize. Jacob saw an Amish buggy with a horse in the parking lot and after staring like completely rude asses (and I know better than that too!), we shopped our way home.

Saturday morning, Jeremy and I set off in the pea soup thick fog, for the teeny-tiny town of Burr Oak to go to Larry's funeral. I did okay at keeping myself together. I had a few moments. I had only brought an handkerchief with me and my nose was full from crying and I didn't want to blow my nose in the hanky. Of course, that brought me to more tears. My big brother saved the day! After the dinner, I talked to Larry's daughter, Corinne, and she said to me, "It was good to look back behind me and see so many Elenbaases here." You don't get all of us together very often, and even to have 4 out of the 5 is really good. Again, we shopped our way home. And, I do have to say - A peppermint twist mocha, from Starbucks, is divine after a long day, and only church lady coffee!

We're all pretty sure that Larry and my dad have spent some time catching up and have been playing cards since joining each other again. I like to think that's true. I like to think they've found my sister too. There will always be a very special place in my heart for Larry. To say he was a wonderful man, does not say enough. I can never explain in words what Larry meant to my family (Edna excluded). My only hope, is to grow up one day, to be as good of a friend, as Larry was to my father.

Remembering Larry

Larry and Jacob. This is how I chose to remember him.

Larry lost (or maybe he won) his battle with Leukemia around 11:00 this morning.

Freedom for Christmas

Christmas.

I love Christmas. I love picking presents for Jacob, for Jeremy and most of the people on my list. I love church on Christmas Eve -especially in my old church at home. I love Christmas dinner. I love the happy faces when you give a gift that's just perfect. I love wrapping presents. I love the good memories I do have. Decorating the house with my sisters and brother, a real Christmas tree and the ornaments we had as kids, baking cookies with my sisters. I miss Christmas dinner at Karen's with Grandma Dor. I miss my dad. I miss listening to the old Time Life 8-tracks he had and he'd sing those carols to me like he was still in the church choir. I miss my dad sitting quietly in his chair just watching with his smile, beaming with pride. I really miss my dad! I love the new memories Jeremy and I make with Jacob. I love all the squeals of delight from the little kids - past and present. I love leaving cookies and cocoa for Santa and reading the Night before Christmas. It's not about perfection, it's completely from my heart.

Christmas.

I hate Christmas. I hate the greedy, it's never enough, whining rants from Edna. I hate the memories of Christmas with her crying because we didn't get her the gifts she thought we should. I hate that she calls to bitch about every. Single. Gift. She gets. I hate when she tells me about all of the wonderful things she did for us for Christmas and how ungrateful her children are. I hate the memories of wrapping my own Christmas gifts from her. I hate her lectures about being a Christian and what Christmas is about. I hate hard, cut-out cookies with sugar icing that she made us bake. I hate that after Valerie was killed, she never wanted another Christmas tree (either I fought for it or I bought it). I hated that I had to spend Christmas Eve or morning at the neighbor's house watching them open their gifts, intruding on their family time - while Edna worked. Worse - the Christmas that she got in a huge fight with my dad, and the police came and took me away. I remember opening a stocking at the house where I stayed, and being told the one I had opened, wasn't for me.

I told my mother that Jacob and I were coming up home on the 26th & 27th. She said to me, "I hope you don't stay long, I have laundry to do, I have to take my car in, I have to go the Doctor, etc." Wow, Mom! It'll be great to see you too! Merry Christmas!

I've been telling myself that I need to keep in touch with her. For myself. For my own guilt. I'm not sure what's worse - my guilt or her. I'm the mushy one. I'm the sentimental one. I'm the one who always feels bad in the end for walking away from her. I'm the one who keeps coming back trying to make some type of relationship with her. I'm always the one who's hurt. So, my Christmas gift to myself this year is Freedom.

Freedom from guilt. Freedom from the meanness. Freedom from the pity. Freedom from her broken promises. Freedom from the hold she seems to think her money has. Freedom from the effort and freedom from the responsibility. Freedom from hurt. Freedom from ghosts. Freedom from the shitty memories Edna created. Freedom from my mother.

It's been a difficult year for all of us on some level. I'd like to say that next year will be better. My friends have lost people who are special to them this year, others are waiting to for someone special to give up their fight. Some of us have lost children and barely knew we were pregnant, and some are eagerly awaiting the birth of their first child in just a few short weeks (and so am I). Some have lost jobs, some are looking for new ones, and some are holding like hell to the ones we have. I wish all of you a little chunk of Freedom for Christmas. Freedom to laugh until you cry. Freedom to cry yourself to sleep. Freedom to feel the way you need to feel to get through what you need to get through. Mostly, I hope through it all, you can have a Merry Christmas with your families and enjoy what you do have right there in front of you.

Merry Christmas!

Going for their Masters

Tomorrow is my nephew Matt's last day at his job as a Mechanical Engineer. He's decided to move to Houghton to go back to Michigan Tech for his Master's degree. Go Matt!

My niece Jill, just graduated from Michigan State with a degree in Psychology. She has decided to continue on at Michigan State for her Master's degree. Go Jill!

My niece, Liz is still plugging away at Western for her degree in child development. Go Liz!

Officer Chris has the option though his department to further his education in law enforcement and has expressed interest in doing so. He's working full time and wading through the challenges of being a police officer. He says Jacob needs to forget about the woo-woo's and be a pharmacist.

You know, I'm not sure what Fi and Jaz are up to...

And Brooke - almost 13 already! She's bringing home fantastic grades, playing piano, playing basketball. What a busy girl!?!

I can't even begin to tell you how proud I am of these kids! Jill, she works at school, she's worked the summers, even two jobs one summer - and she was pooped! Liz is working her way through as well and maintaining a long distance relationship with Dustin (who is working in Boston, MA). Both of the older girls are managing rent in off-campus apartments, cars, and room-mates - with some help from their parents too. They're all making excellent grades, working internships, and they're working so hard! There's a whole lot to be proud of!

I just wanted them to know that I am!

They're giving him a week.

Larry's son called us last night. Larry is on a ventilator now. He's basically sleeping all the time (I hesitate to say coma as I'm not sure). The Doctors are keeping him comfortable. He doesn't know he has visitors or anything that is going on. Larry had requested not to be put on life support and no extraordinary means taken. His funeral arrangements have been made. The pall bearers have been confirmed. It's only a matter of time.

Sadly, all anyone can do now is wait for the Lord to place his call.

I'm doing okay...if I don't think about it.

Therapy Solution

We met with Jacob's new and old therapists last week to determine how to proceed with his speech and occupational therapy now that he's 3.

During this meeting, the Early On therapists, Miss Carrie (Special Ed Teacher) and Alex (Speech Therapist) presented their reports on Jacob's progress to the new therapists, Cindi H. and Michelle H. (may be referred to as the Mrs. H's). They presented their reports to Jeremy and I as to how they are going to proceed from this point.

In the reports we found that Jacob is essentially functioning at an 18-19 month old level rather than a 36 month level. Though socially, he is acting at approximately 38 months. They attributed this delay to the submucous cleft palate and the resulting fluid in his ears. The fluid in the ears caused issues with Jay's equilibrium throwing him off balance. Jacob didn't learn all of the things he should have learned prior to having the tubes put into his ears both in development and in speech. Once he did get his tubes, he had to re-learn what he already did know plus go forward to learn new things. My best example is when Jacob started to walk. He could do short spurts by himself but anytime he walked a distance he would hang on to one finger. He did this for about 6 months. He didn't walk by himself until he was 16 almost 17 months. According to the therapists, Jacob wasn't ever certain of his balance and he needed to hold onto something to keep balanced. Now that I look back, this explains why he wasn't a climber, or the typical dare devil. He was unsure of himself and his balance.

Cindi and Michelle seemed to have a very clear understanding of Jacob and his circumstances with the submucous cleft and they explained it to Jeremy and I quite well. They both explained to us their development plans for Jacob and how they are going to strive for those goals.

Jacob will start his new therapy sessions on January 5. He will spend 30 minutes with Cindi, the Speech Therapist, at one school, then he and Daddy will go the another school and spend 30 minutes with Michelle, the Occupational Therapist. We will also have homework. Some exercises to work on with Jacob in between visits.

Miss Carrie and Alex told the Mrs. H's how much they have enjoyed working with Jacob, and that he is one of the cases they will never forget as he truly is a sweet boy. Miss Carrie said Jacob is one of the kids who grabs your heart and she hopes the new therapists find that too! Aw!

I walked away from this meeting feeling so much hope, so much optimism for Jacob's development. I felt like we had finally found 2 more people who really cared about this kid and what happens to him. I knew this was the right place for him and these were the right women to help us. I didn't feel sad for my boy or like a failure as his mom.

Our road with Jacob and his speech/development is going to be very, very long. Our goal, or my goal, at this point, is to have him attend regular classes with only periodic visits to the therapists. I do have time on my side - Jacob is a December baby so he won't start kindergarten until just before he turns 6. Don't get me wrong...it's not a status thing, it's not a perfection thing, if Jacob does have to start school in special education full time, then he does. This is a goal I would like to achieve. If we don't reach it, we'll make a new goal - I just love my kid, I want him to find his place where he fits. Don't we all?

Mommy's New Glasses

I had mentioned in a previous post that I had new glasses and I hadn't posted any pictures.

They look much better on him - even if he's modeling them upside down!

Injustice

My blog friend Aubrey, posted this the other day and it's been haunting me ever since. I read it after she first put it up. It struck a a huge note with me. I shared in a piece of the injustice Aubrey talks about and my heart goes out to our friend who is making her way through a miscarriage. I had a good friend lose his job last week - after his wife lost hers this fall, and they have a little boy about to turn 1. My nephew lost his job too, just a few days ago. I left Aubrey's site without comment. I went back several times to read her words again and again. I wanted to comment but, I had a hard time finding the right thing to say.

Injustice - to use Aubrey's description. All this sickness, the economy, it's the only word that fits. It's not right. It's not fair. It's just not nice. All of these things happening for so many people I know. It's becoming increasingly difficult to enjoy the coming holiday.

I have to tell you, I've been holding onto more injustice in my own heart. Waiting and praying for good news to come to a very special friend of my father, of our family. I knew he was sick. We found out last week. The diagnosis came yesterday and I just couldn't share it with the happiness of Jacob's birthday post.

My father was in the Army and in basic training he met a fellow Michigander that happened to be a Lutheran just like him. They went to Korea together. Larry was my dad's best friend, the best man in my parents wedding. Larry hunted with my dad - and later he took my brother when MS claimed the use of my father's legs. Larry and his wife, Doris, were my sister Valerie's Godparents. Larry and Doris attended every family function with us until Doris passed away - then he still came by himself. They came for baptisms, track meets, graduations, weddings, and sadly, the funerals of both their Goddaughter and his best friend. Larry stood in for each one of us kids when my dad's health held him back. He even sat with my sister Cindy in the hospital waiting room for a few surgeries. The kids all know him as Grandpa Larry. We have been so blessed to have him fill my dad's shoes - as a dad and as a Grandpa. He's never turned us down when we needed him. He just proudly filled the slot. I can't tell you how special he is to our family and how grateful we are to him.

Larry was admitted to the VA hospital in Ann Arbor last week. His daughter and son are sending updates as they come. Larry has been diagnosed with acute myleoid leukemia. I've done my reading. For an 81 year old man, the prognosis doesn't look promising. Though he's been in good health, this cancer is particularly unfriendly. The prognosis even with the chemo is that remission can only be obtained on the average of 6 months, and chemo the second time is usually futile. He's also having severe headaches for which the Doctors cannot find a cause. He is having a surgical procedure done to see if the leukemia is in the brain and then if they find it they inject with chemo immediately while they are in there.

The hardest part was telling Jeremy about Larry's diagnosis. Repeating the news made it all too real.

I last saw Larry at Jacob's first birthday party and Jeremy asked me if I wanted to go see him again now. I don't. I want to remember Larry sitting in my living room, bouncing the youngest grandson of his best friend - the grandson my dad will never meet - on his knee and just beaming with pride. Thankfully, I do have photographic proof of that moment! I want to remember Larry telling me how proud my dad would be of Jacob, and me. I want to remember Larry telling me how much Jacob looks like my dad, that his adoption was meant to be. I want to keep that picture of Larry in my heart. I want to keep that healthy, happy, proud Larry, who once bounced Jacob's mommy on his knee...and Cindy, and Karen, and Gloria, and Valerie, and David...

The woo-woo party

It wasn't much of a party folks, the guest of honor was 'fick'. He came down with a croupy cough the night before and kept me up most of the night too.

The woo-woo cake. Notice the little white marks on the bottom right corner of the cake. I had to run to the basement for a light bulb, when I came up, Jacob met me at the top of the stairs with green all over him and said "Mmmm. Cake. Nummy-nummy my mouf!" He'd moved the fireman around and ate some icing while I was gone.


All he ate, all day, was this cake (on a woo-woo plate).


And he shared it with his 'Big Da'.

New crayons.

And a new bike with birthday/Christmas monies from Great-Grandpa & Great-Grandma H.

We did have good food, great cake, a lot of fun, and a lot of laughs. Another year down - they go so fast! :(

Another Grandma

This post is going to be different than what I may have told you in conversation - it's had a little more time to sink in, and I'm making more sense of it and what she actually said.

Saturday afternoon, Jeremy was getting ready for work, Jacob was napping, and I was getting food together for his birthday party (I'll post about that after I have the pictures uploaded) when my phone rang. The caller ID read "Gordon S* XXX-XXX-XXXX". I thought it was probably a wrong number and just answered.

"Hello? Gail?"

"Yes?"

"Hi. I'm Jacob's bio... adop... grandma... Nancy S*"

"Oh, You're Rob's Mom!'

"Yes, I'm Rob's mom. I've had your phone number for a long time, and I've been wanting to call you but I was afraid. I was afraid you wouldn't talk to me. I didn't know what you'd do."

I talked to her for about an hour. She would like to meet her grandson.

I'm not sure when she found out about Jacob's existence but I do know how. Rob brought pictures of Jacob home to her and she thought they were of Nicholas (Jacob's older full brother), and said, Oh, you had pictures done of Nick, Rob told her no, that's Jacob. Amber gave him up for adoption. My Lord! As a mother, as a Grandmother, could you imagine!?!

We exchanged so much information. She is raising Nicholas. Rob doesn't see him often. It was absolutely wonderful to compare notes with the mom who is raising an identical older version of my Jacob. We talked about what I knew coming into the adoption versus what she was told after the fact. We talked about Rob as a person, as a child and I now have a little window as to what makes my Jacob tick! She told me that Rob had speech issues as a child - which explains why Jacob says some of his words the way he does.

She said I seemed to be a nice person and a good mom. She said she can't wait to meet Jacob and I.

Anyway, the past two Christmases she's sent gifts for Jacob. And, I've wanted an address for them to at least send a 'thank-you' but, Amber wouldn't budge. I knew Rob's mom had to be looking for us and I knew it was only a matter of time before she found us.

Rob's parents and Nick are moving this week. They're moving about 20 minutes away from us. I am going to meet her. I am going to take Jacob to meet her.

I know you're sitting there thinking WTF!?! Maybe you're thinking - man, how many of these people is she going to let into Jacob's life?

Jacob's adoption didn't come with instructions. I wasn't handed an answer book to tell me what to do when a Grandma comes knocking on your door wanting to see her grand baby. I read once that a child should NEVER remember the day they were told they were adopted. I'm trying to make the S* family as much of a part of Jacob's life as I can. I don't want him to feel they abandoned him, or wonder where they were all of his life, or if they loved him. I don't want him to search for those answers. I want him to know! I want him to know that his first mommy couldn't care for him. I want him to know that all of his 'Bammies' love him very much. I want him to know that we love him very much and we would never keep him from his biological family. I want him to know that we encouraged relationships with them.

The most difficult part of making these decisions is Jacob's siblings. Being the youngest of six myself, and even with the age differences, I couldn't imagine knowing my brother and my sisters existed but not knowing where they were or if they knew about me. I hope I'm doing it right.

How cute is this!?!

I was looking on-line for fire truck/police car T-shirts for Jacob this morning and I found this. Isn't that too cute!?! It's coming to our house.

A month or so ago, Jacob and I went to our local Sheriff Department to look at all the police cars. Jacob asked me if he could give the woo-woo a hug. As he was hugging the Sheriff car, he exclaimed "freeek" which is squeeze. A deputy came out to move the cars and Jacob was so excited to see him but, that deputy just ignored him. Another deputy was out front in his uniform talking on a cell phone and poor Jacob tried so hard to get his attention and again he was ignored. I was very disappointed. I honestly thought of calling the Sheriff himself to complain.

About a week ago, on our nightly tour of the police stations in the "cit-tee", we were behind our city police station looking at the cars and I noticed an officer sitting in his car with the engine running. I hopped out, he rolled down his window and asked if he could help me. Sure! "I have a little boy who is OBSESSED with police cars, could you help me out a minute?" He got out of his car and talked to Jacob while I was getting him out of his car seat. He showed Jacob all of the lights and sirens, the computer and all the stuff in his car. He told Jacob how he had to always wear his seat belt and be safe so he could come back to visit again. He told me he's shown a lot of kids around the car and the station and he has NEVER seen one as excited as Jacob! I wish I would have gotten the officer's name! I'd like to call the city and compliment him!

We're planning a visit next fall down to the Detroit area for the open house at my nephew's police department. Can you imagine? All the woo-woo's and Jacob with his own personal tour guide! Aunt Karen - we can't miss this one! Jacob even has a shirt for the occasion!

My Thanksgiving

On Saturday, we were coming home from visiting Jacob's birth parents, and from the backseat I hear,

"I...wuv...you. I...wuv...you. I...wuv...you"

We've been working on getting Jacob to say that by himself for quite some time. I never thought that when he did finally say it, I'd cry like a big dumb girl. I did!

Being the parent of an adopted child is THE toughest challenge God has given to me. I love Jacob more than I ever thought my heart was capable of loving and his adoption or the possible effects of his adoption terrify me more and more as he grows each year. I live in fear of the words "You're not my REAL mom!" I flip/flop back and forth as to whether it is healthy or unhealthy for him to have a relationship with his birth parents. I think this is a struggle I will face everyday. A decision I can only make on a day by day, case by case basis.

I've been thinking of this Bible passage from 1 Kings 3:16-28:

16 Then two women who were harlots came to the king and stood before him.
17 The one woman said, "Oh, my lord, this woman and I live in the same house; and I gave birth to a child while she was in the house.
18 "It happened on the third day after I gave birth, that this woman also gave birth to a child, and we were together. There was no stranger with us in the house, only the two of us in the house.
19 "This woman's son died in the night, because she lay on it.
20 "So she arose in the middle of the night and took my son from beside me while your maidservant slept, and laid him in her bosom, and laid her dead son in my bosom.
21 "When I rose in the morning to nurse my son, behold, he was dead; but when I looked at him carefully in the morning, behold, he was not my son, whom I had borne."
22 Then the other woman said, "No! For the living one is my son, and the dead one is your son." But the first woman said, "No! For the dead one is your son, and the living one is my son." Thus they spoke before the king.
23 Then the king said, "The one says, 'This is my son who is living, and your son is the dead one'; and the other says, 'No! For your son is the dead one, and my son is the living one.'"
24 The king said, "Get me a sword." So they brought a sword before the king.
25 The king said, "Divide the living child in two, and give half to the one and half to the other." 26 Then the woman whose child was the living one spoke to the king, for she was deeply stirred over her son and said, "Oh, my lord, give her the living child, and by no means kill him." But the other said, "He shall be neither mine nor yours; divide him!"
27 Then the king said, "Give the first woman the living child, and by no means kill him. She is his mother."
28 When all Israel heard of the judgment which the king had handed down, they feared the king, for they saw that the wisdom of God was in him to administer justice.

I know some take issue with Jacob having a relationship with his birth family. I have prayed to God over and over about the right thing to do, how to handle this. I guess, He has been leading me to this passage. I know now my Jacob has 2 mothers that love him. Neither of us could ever divide him.

Jacob's birth parents chose us to love him, to support him, to raise him, to give him better than what they could. Yes, this woman gave away her child but she gave him to me to be his mother. ME! Could you think of a more precious gift to give someone? Could you think of a higher honor?

From this point forward, rather than show disgust toward Jacob's birth family, please say a prayer for them, for Jacob, and for us. A prayer that we make the right decisions in making positive relationships for him. A prayer that Jeremy and I raise a good man who doesn't hate us or think we took him away from his 'real' family. A prayer that Jacob sees his adoption as a positive growth experience in his life. A prayer of strength to Jacob's birth family as they do truly hurt. A prayer of thanks to Jacob's birth family for allowing us to bring Jacob into our families to give him the support, the love, and the care that they couldn't provide. For that is truly something to be thankful for!