After trick-or-treat.
On the way to see the neighbors.
Friday, October 31, 2008
All Aboard!
The Big Da, Jacob and Mommy pumpkins.
After trick-or-treat.
On the way to see the neighbors.
After trick-or-treat.
On the way to see the neighbors.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
The Pumpkin Patch #3
We made our annual trip to the pumpkin patch last week. It was a short trip. Though Jacob was in a mood, I did manage to get a few good pics.
Calling the "boo's". Cows don't say "moo" here. They say "boo"!
Picking his very own pumpkin.
Calling the "boo's". Cows don't say "moo" here. They say "boo"!
Picking his very own pumpkin.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Today's Manistee News Advocate
In my hometown newspaper today:
"In loving memory of our sister, Valerie Lynne Elenbaas.
Aug. 20, 1962 - Oct. 29, 1983
We knew little that morning
That GOD was going to call your name.
In life, we loved you dearly,
In death, we do the same.
It broke our hearts to lose you.
You did not go alone:
For part of us went with you,
The day GOD called you home.
You left us peaceful memories,
Your love is still our guide
And though we cannot see you
You are always at our side.
Our family chain is broken
And nothing seems the same.
But as God calls us one by one
The chain will link again."
Thanks Dave & Jen - this is perfect.
"In loving memory of our sister, Valerie Lynne Elenbaas.
Aug. 20, 1962 - Oct. 29, 1983
We knew little that morning
That GOD was going to call your name.
In life, we loved you dearly,
In death, we do the same.
It broke our hearts to lose you.
You did not go alone:
For part of us went with you,
The day GOD called you home.
You left us peaceful memories,
Your love is still our guide
And though we cannot see you
You are always at our side.
Our family chain is broken
And nothing seems the same.
But as God calls us one by one
The chain will link again."
Thanks Dave & Jen - this is perfect.
October 29, 1983
It was a Saturday and I was 10 years old. Edna had worked the midnight shift (11PM to 7AM) at the salt factory. She went to bed to get some sleep before we drove to, I don't remember. My sister, Valerie was asleep too, wearing her ratty old tan nightgown that zipped up the front with some quilting on the chest that had worn to the point where it was barely quilted anymore. She had only moved back home maybe a few weeks before. I had snuggled with her in her twin bed, in the dark, tracing the 'poodle' on her hand with my finger, before going downstairs to play Atari and watch cartoons. I snuggled with her like that every morning as our house was old and cold. She said I was a "warm sleeper". She liked to have me there to keep her warm. I don't remember what time it was when the phone rang but, I hurried to answer it before anyone woke up.
It was Brian, Val's boss at the A&W. He needed to talk to her right away so I woke her up to take the call. When Valerie came downstairs she was dressed and while putting her shoes on, she said, "Someone broke into the A&W and stole a bunch of food. I have to go help Brian get the inventory together for the insurance adjuster. When mom wakes up, tell her where I went and tell her I'll be back in time to go. And Gail Ann, tell mom I love her." She got in her Chevy Chevette and she drove away.
I was still playing my Atari when Edna woke up. She asked where Val was and I told her. Edna sat at the table to pay some bills but she was acting distracted - she kept looking up, looking at the clock, then looking at me as if to say 'where is Val?'. The phone rang again, it was Brian's mom, asking if Val was home yet. She wasn't. She told Edna that there was an accident at Fox Farm Road and US 31 that morning. She was sure it wasn't Val but, Edna already knew. She'd known for a while. She knew it when she woke up. She knew it when the phone rang.
My sister, Karen and her husband, Mike parked out in the street blocking our driveway. I watched them from the kitchen window. Karen got out to come into the house and Edna started to scream and to cry. Karen was wearing a blue and white striped dress - she carried blue knitted slippers with little pom-poms that matched her dress. I could tell by her eyes that she'd been crying - or still was. She'd been working at the hospital when the Medical Examiner came to get her from her office to call our dentist at his home to get Valerie's dental records. My dad was in the hospital from complications of Multiple Sclerosis at the time. Karen had already told my dad, now she came home to tell Edna that our Valerie had been killed that morning.
Valerie had been on her way to help Brian. She was low on gas. She turned around to go back to a gas station and she ran a stop sign at Fox Farm Road and US31. A little after 10AM, Valerie hit a fully loaded gasoline tanker that was pulling two tanks. Her Chevette wedged between those two tanks, caught on fire and was drug 100 feet down the road where it was released from the tanker and continued to burn with our Valerie still inside. They later determined she died on impact as Carbon Monoxide was not present in her lungs. Thank God. The firefighters and the paramedics couldn't get her body out of the car on the scene. They covered her car with a giant white sheet, loaded it onto a flat bed truck and hauled it right down US31, the main street through town, to the hospital where her body was removed from the car and identified by her dental records. She was burnt beyond recognition.
I went home with Karen and Mike that afternoon. I remember snuggling with Karen in her bed, just like I had with Valerie that morning.
Over the next three days, people came to our house to bring food and condolences. Big pans, big pots of food. Meatballs, casseroles, desserts, breakfasts, food, food, food. I remember our big freezer in the basement being packed with food and the stacks of pans on the kitchen counter to be returned to their owners. My brother worked at the House of Flavors then. His boss brought our whole family in for breakfast one morning, maybe the morning of the funeral. I guess when someone dies, people don't know what to do.
I was a cowgirl for Halloween that year. I think one of my sisters helped me - must have been. I remember my hair in braids, my cowgirl boots, and hat. I went trick-or-treating with my nephew, Matt who had just turned 1. Valerie's visitation at the funeral home was on Halloween night. I remember all the flowers and her senior picture in a big frame on top of her casket. I remember the funeral director took me upstairs to see the caskets because, I was scared that Valerie couldn't breathe inside hers. She had a closed casket visitation/funeral. Her casket was blue, her favorite color and on the inside, little daisies were embroidered on the lining. He said that was the one Edna and my brother had picked for her. Edna was hysterical as she wanted to see Valerie - the funeral director wouldn't let her. He said "you'll never forget the sight, and you'll never forget the smell". I stayed for the first slot of visitation - the 2 to 4PM but went trick-or-treating until the 7 to 9PM. We trick-or-treated by the funeral home that year rather than through our neighborhood and my brother-in-law, Ron took us, instead of my brother who was being the man of the family at the funeral home. My brother had just graduated high school the year before. I went to the second set of visitation for maybe an hour. They thought it was too much for me so they took me to Grandma Dor's (Karen's mother-in-law) across the street from the funeral home, until it was over. My nephew was already there and I was still wearing my cowgirl costume.
On Tuesday, November 1, 1983, I wore a burgundy, velvet pantsuit with an ivory blouse and miniature penny earrings to my sister's funeral. Edna's sister, Betty curled my hair and made me look like a girl. I sat in the front row between Edna and my brother with Larry and Doris Hagen. Larry is my dad's best friend and they were Val's Godparents. My dad wasn't there, he was still in the hospital. My fifth grade teacher played the organ for her service. I remember seeing my mom's friend Sue, from the factory there. She was wearing a skirt. I remember thinking 'hmpf, she has legs, never seen them before, who knew!?!' and she gave me a shy wave. We had a dinner in the gym at my school (my school and our church are connected through the gym) after the service. Pastor hugged me so hard that one of my earrings poked me in the head. A lot of Val's friends were there. All of my aunts and uncles - even my mom's parents who never left the farm, were there. My grandpa wore gray dress pants - I'd only ever seen him in bib overalls - I saw him wipe his eyes at the funeral too and more than once. You see, he'd lost his son on October 29, 1966.
We went out to the cemetery that night after our Valerie was buried - we didn't have a graveside service. I don't remember which sister I was with or if I was with my mom. I remember finding out later that we had all been out there that night at different times, parked to the side with the headlights from the car illuminating the fresh mound of wet dirt and the temporary grave marker from the funeral home that took Edna almost 10 years to replace. As if we all needed to say our last goodbyes to our sister in private.
Valerie's grave is in Trinity Lutheran Cemetery in Manistee. My dad is next to her now. Her headstone has a rainbow on it and says 'rainbows are forever'. Valerie loved rainbows and for that reason, they always make me cry. She loved Fozzie bear and Animal from The Muppets, and REO Speedwagon's song 'Time for me to Fly'. She was left handed and had beautiful handwriting (like my sister Cindy). She'd order pizza or subs with extra onions and then add more onions at home. She loved liver and onions too. Her hands always smelled like onions and every time I chop onions, the smell on my hands makes me think of her. She drank Miller Lite and smoked Virginia Slims. She bowled, she played cards - she taught me to play crazy 8's and we played every chance we got! She had a birthmark or a burn scar on her hand that looked like a poodle - I liked to sit on her lap and trace it with my finger - she'd bark to scare me. She did take cosmetology classes but, hated to cut the kid across the street's hair cuz it was greasy and gross - though she did it for extra money. She had a cute little turned up button nose and a giggle of a laugh. She used to make puppets with her hands named Ralph and Malph to keep me entertained in the car so I didn't drive my dad bonkers. We'd lock my brother out of the bathroom and yell to him "M-U-D spells Dave, D-A-V-E spells Mud" over and over. We'd sing "U-G-L-Y you ain't got no alibi. You UGLY, yeah, yeah, you ugly" and 'howl' at all the right times to Warren Zevon's Werewolves of London.We were dorks and it was fun.
We all spent a long time after Valerie died, thinking we'd come home one day and she'd be there. Waiting for us. We'd round the corner and her blue Chevette would be parked on the street in front of our house like it always had been. Like this was some kind of cruel mistake. Edna didn't go back to work for a month. Rumors went around town that we were suing the truck driver that Valerie hit. I think the insurance must have hired an investigator to look over the evidence. The truck diver quit his job. He couldn't drive again. Eventually, for us, life went on, kind of. Edna wouldn't let me out of her sight most of the time. A friend finally told her that she couldn't protect me forever. She did let up, though I don't think she was ever 'right' again.
25 years. Still seems like yesterday. I was the last person to see my sister Valerie alive. It's a strange feeling to have carried for so long. Sometimes, I feel sad that I don't remember more, that maybe I should have woken up my mom to make her stay. That I should have done something. Sometimes I wonder what God was thinking by putting that on 10 year-old shoulders. I like to think Valerie is here, that I have a special guardian angel watching over me. I like to think that she is my instincts, my eyes, my ears. Actually, this psychic I once knew said that Valerie does watch over me. Eternally my big sister. I'll always miss her. I'll always remember this day, I'll always love her and I'll always remember her.
It was Brian, Val's boss at the A&W. He needed to talk to her right away so I woke her up to take the call. When Valerie came downstairs she was dressed and while putting her shoes on, she said, "Someone broke into the A&W and stole a bunch of food. I have to go help Brian get the inventory together for the insurance adjuster. When mom wakes up, tell her where I went and tell her I'll be back in time to go. And Gail Ann, tell mom I love her." She got in her Chevy Chevette and she drove away.
I was still playing my Atari when Edna woke up. She asked where Val was and I told her. Edna sat at the table to pay some bills but she was acting distracted - she kept looking up, looking at the clock, then looking at me as if to say 'where is Val?'. The phone rang again, it was Brian's mom, asking if Val was home yet. She wasn't. She told Edna that there was an accident at Fox Farm Road and US 31 that morning. She was sure it wasn't Val but, Edna already knew. She'd known for a while. She knew it when she woke up. She knew it when the phone rang.
My sister, Karen and her husband, Mike parked out in the street blocking our driveway. I watched them from the kitchen window. Karen got out to come into the house and Edna started to scream and to cry. Karen was wearing a blue and white striped dress - she carried blue knitted slippers with little pom-poms that matched her dress. I could tell by her eyes that she'd been crying - or still was. She'd been working at the hospital when the Medical Examiner came to get her from her office to call our dentist at his home to get Valerie's dental records. My dad was in the hospital from complications of Multiple Sclerosis at the time. Karen had already told my dad, now she came home to tell Edna that our Valerie had been killed that morning.
Valerie had been on her way to help Brian. She was low on gas. She turned around to go back to a gas station and she ran a stop sign at Fox Farm Road and US31. A little after 10AM, Valerie hit a fully loaded gasoline tanker that was pulling two tanks. Her Chevette wedged between those two tanks, caught on fire and was drug 100 feet down the road where it was released from the tanker and continued to burn with our Valerie still inside. They later determined she died on impact as Carbon Monoxide was not present in her lungs. Thank God. The firefighters and the paramedics couldn't get her body out of the car on the scene. They covered her car with a giant white sheet, loaded it onto a flat bed truck and hauled it right down US31, the main street through town, to the hospital where her body was removed from the car and identified by her dental records. She was burnt beyond recognition.
I went home with Karen and Mike that afternoon. I remember snuggling with Karen in her bed, just like I had with Valerie that morning.
Over the next three days, people came to our house to bring food and condolences. Big pans, big pots of food. Meatballs, casseroles, desserts, breakfasts, food, food, food. I remember our big freezer in the basement being packed with food and the stacks of pans on the kitchen counter to be returned to their owners. My brother worked at the House of Flavors then. His boss brought our whole family in for breakfast one morning, maybe the morning of the funeral. I guess when someone dies, people don't know what to do.
I was a cowgirl for Halloween that year. I think one of my sisters helped me - must have been. I remember my hair in braids, my cowgirl boots, and hat. I went trick-or-treating with my nephew, Matt who had just turned 1. Valerie's visitation at the funeral home was on Halloween night. I remember all the flowers and her senior picture in a big frame on top of her casket. I remember the funeral director took me upstairs to see the caskets because, I was scared that Valerie couldn't breathe inside hers. She had a closed casket visitation/funeral. Her casket was blue, her favorite color and on the inside, little daisies were embroidered on the lining. He said that was the one Edna and my brother had picked for her. Edna was hysterical as she wanted to see Valerie - the funeral director wouldn't let her. He said "you'll never forget the sight, and you'll never forget the smell". I stayed for the first slot of visitation - the 2 to 4PM but went trick-or-treating until the 7 to 9PM. We trick-or-treated by the funeral home that year rather than through our neighborhood and my brother-in-law, Ron took us, instead of my brother who was being the man of the family at the funeral home. My brother had just graduated high school the year before. I went to the second set of visitation for maybe an hour. They thought it was too much for me so they took me to Grandma Dor's (Karen's mother-in-law) across the street from the funeral home, until it was over. My nephew was already there and I was still wearing my cowgirl costume.
On Tuesday, November 1, 1983, I wore a burgundy, velvet pantsuit with an ivory blouse and miniature penny earrings to my sister's funeral. Edna's sister, Betty curled my hair and made me look like a girl. I sat in the front row between Edna and my brother with Larry and Doris Hagen. Larry is my dad's best friend and they were Val's Godparents. My dad wasn't there, he was still in the hospital. My fifth grade teacher played the organ for her service. I remember seeing my mom's friend Sue, from the factory there. She was wearing a skirt. I remember thinking 'hmpf, she has legs, never seen them before, who knew!?!' and she gave me a shy wave. We had a dinner in the gym at my school (my school and our church are connected through the gym) after the service. Pastor hugged me so hard that one of my earrings poked me in the head. A lot of Val's friends were there. All of my aunts and uncles - even my mom's parents who never left the farm, were there. My grandpa wore gray dress pants - I'd only ever seen him in bib overalls - I saw him wipe his eyes at the funeral too and more than once. You see, he'd lost his son on October 29, 1966.
We went out to the cemetery that night after our Valerie was buried - we didn't have a graveside service. I don't remember which sister I was with or if I was with my mom. I remember finding out later that we had all been out there that night at different times, parked to the side with the headlights from the car illuminating the fresh mound of wet dirt and the temporary grave marker from the funeral home that took Edna almost 10 years to replace. As if we all needed to say our last goodbyes to our sister in private.
Valerie's grave is in Trinity Lutheran Cemetery in Manistee. My dad is next to her now. Her headstone has a rainbow on it and says 'rainbows are forever'. Valerie loved rainbows and for that reason, they always make me cry. She loved Fozzie bear and Animal from The Muppets, and REO Speedwagon's song 'Time for me to Fly'. She was left handed and had beautiful handwriting (like my sister Cindy). She'd order pizza or subs with extra onions and then add more onions at home. She loved liver and onions too. Her hands always smelled like onions and every time I chop onions, the smell on my hands makes me think of her. She drank Miller Lite and smoked Virginia Slims. She bowled, she played cards - she taught me to play crazy 8's and we played every chance we got! She had a birthmark or a burn scar on her hand that looked like a poodle - I liked to sit on her lap and trace it with my finger - she'd bark to scare me. She did take cosmetology classes but, hated to cut the kid across the street's hair cuz it was greasy and gross - though she did it for extra money. She had a cute little turned up button nose and a giggle of a laugh. She used to make puppets with her hands named Ralph and Malph to keep me entertained in the car so I didn't drive my dad bonkers. We'd lock my brother out of the bathroom and yell to him "M-U-D spells Dave, D-A-V-E spells Mud" over and over. We'd sing "U-G-L-Y you ain't got no alibi. You UGLY, yeah, yeah, you ugly" and 'howl' at all the right times to Warren Zevon's Werewolves of London.We were dorks and it was fun.
We all spent a long time after Valerie died, thinking we'd come home one day and she'd be there. Waiting for us. We'd round the corner and her blue Chevette would be parked on the street in front of our house like it always had been. Like this was some kind of cruel mistake. Edna didn't go back to work for a month. Rumors went around town that we were suing the truck driver that Valerie hit. I think the insurance must have hired an investigator to look over the evidence. The truck diver quit his job. He couldn't drive again. Eventually, for us, life went on, kind of. Edna wouldn't let me out of her sight most of the time. A friend finally told her that she couldn't protect me forever. She did let up, though I don't think she was ever 'right' again.
25 years. Still seems like yesterday. I was the last person to see my sister Valerie alive. It's a strange feeling to have carried for so long. Sometimes, I feel sad that I don't remember more, that maybe I should have woken up my mom to make her stay. That I should have done something. Sometimes I wonder what God was thinking by putting that on 10 year-old shoulders. I like to think Valerie is here, that I have a special guardian angel watching over me. I like to think that she is my instincts, my eyes, my ears. Actually, this psychic I once knew said that Valerie does watch over me. Eternally my big sister. I'll always miss her. I'll always remember this day, I'll always love her and I'll always remember her.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
It went just fine
We're home.
All went just fine. No complications. No excitement. Though the relaxant they gave Jeremy before they took him to surgery made him loopy and goofy. Provided for a little entertainment.
Jeremy has the next week to take it easy. I'll be looking forward to returning to work.
Thanks for your prayers and well wishes!
All went just fine. No complications. No excitement. Though the relaxant they gave Jeremy before they took him to surgery made him loopy and goofy. Provided for a little entertainment.
Jeremy has the next week to take it easy. I'll be looking forward to returning to work.
Thanks for your prayers and well wishes!
Under the knife
We're hanging out with Bammie (grandma) this morning waiting to leave for the hospital.
Jeremy has to register at 9:30 AM. They tell us we'll be there for 4 to 6 hours. I have a bag of books and some crochet to keep me occupied. Jacob got a new 5 pack of "woo-woos" (firetrucks) to play with. And poor Jeremy can't even have a cup of coffee.
I asked Jeremy this morning if he wanted me to take a picture of him sitting on Jacob's little couch while we waited to post for y'all. Then a bird flew through my living room. Guess his answer was no.
I'll post again when we're back home.
Jeremy has to register at 9:30 AM. They tell us we'll be there for 4 to 6 hours. I have a bag of books and some crochet to keep me occupied. Jacob got a new 5 pack of "woo-woos" (firetrucks) to play with. And poor Jeremy can't even have a cup of coffee.
I asked Jeremy this morning if he wanted me to take a picture of him sitting on Jacob's little couch while we waited to post for y'all. Then a bird flew through my living room. Guess his answer was no.
I'll post again when we're back home.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
3 things
There are 3 things that you NEVER discuss in mixed company.
Religion. Sex. Politics.
I am voting for Barack Obama. As an American, I have that right. I have the right to choose the person that I think will do the best job in leading our country. It's a right and a privilege to have that freedom of choice. And that right belongs to me, just the same as it does to you. You are exercising the same rights and privileges by voting for John McCain.
I am an adult. I am not ignorant. I have done very well for myself in my 35 years. I have researched my candidate and where he stands on the issues. I have reviewed Senator Obama against Senator McCain on an independent website weighing all of the issues on a pro/con basis and my views, my beliefs best match Senator Obama. Not that I need to explain myself or my choice to you.
Jeremy and I are on opposite sides this election year. We don't discuss the election in our own home. It's not discussed at work. I don't talk about the election with my friends or my family. I won't discuss it with you.
I don't appreciate bashing of my candidate. I hate mud slinging and I'm not fond of tattle-tales either. I do not want to debate this with you. I do not want you to attempt to sway my decision. I don't do it to you. I can respect your choice. Please respect mine.
That said. Stop calling my house. Stop emailing me. Stop interrupting my television programs. I don't want to hear you on my radio either. I have made my choice. I don't care who you chose. Go Away! Leave me alone!
Religion. Sex. Politics.
I am voting for Barack Obama. As an American, I have that right. I have the right to choose the person that I think will do the best job in leading our country. It's a right and a privilege to have that freedom of choice. And that right belongs to me, just the same as it does to you. You are exercising the same rights and privileges by voting for John McCain.
I am an adult. I am not ignorant. I have done very well for myself in my 35 years. I have researched my candidate and where he stands on the issues. I have reviewed Senator Obama against Senator McCain on an independent website weighing all of the issues on a pro/con basis and my views, my beliefs best match Senator Obama. Not that I need to explain myself or my choice to you.
Jeremy and I are on opposite sides this election year. We don't discuss the election in our own home. It's not discussed at work. I don't talk about the election with my friends or my family. I won't discuss it with you.
I don't appreciate bashing of my candidate. I hate mud slinging and I'm not fond of tattle-tales either. I do not want to debate this with you. I do not want you to attempt to sway my decision. I don't do it to you. I can respect your choice. Please respect mine.
That said. Stop calling my house. Stop emailing me. Stop interrupting my television programs. I don't want to hear you on my radio either. I have made my choice. I don't care who you chose. Go Away! Leave me alone!
Thursday, October 16, 2008
There's a lighthouse...
"There's a ship out on the ocean at the mercy of the sea
It's been tossed about lost and broken wandering aimlessly
And God, somehow you know that ship is me
Because there's a lighthouse in a harbor shining faithfully
Pouring it's light out across the water for this sinking soul to see
That someone out there still believes in me"
When You Come Back to me Again - Garth Brooks
I feel like that ship these days. Like I'm rowing and rowing and rowing and not knowing where I'm going.
When I flipped my calendar to October, I was hit with a ton of bricks. The end of this month marks the 25th anniversary of my sister's death. I'm having a really hard time with it. I cry at the drop of a hat. My sister Karen (#2) said my sister Gloria (#3) had a hard time this year too. I can't believe how sensitive I am this year. Jeremy said sometimes the milestone anniversaries hit you harder. A little like a shock. I'm working on something to commemorate this anniversary and I am procrastinating. Maybe it's the thought that if I ignore it, it won't come.
Jeremy's surgery is coming up. I'm still holding on to a lot of insecurities about it. I don't know what his recovery is going to be like. For that matter - I don't even know exactly what the procedure is for these. Everyone is telling me that they use mesh but, I read that there are a lot of complications with the mesh. I think I'm more scared of being Jacob's primary caregiver for a week.
The news of Jacob's speech delay hit me very hard. We don't have complete results yet and maybe I'm jumping the gun being so upset. I'm really having a hard time keeping it together. I just feel like I could have done more. I feel like I failed him.
I closed the comments on this post. I love my friends and I appreciate that you want to help me with my hurts. I appreciate your thoughts but, I don't want help. I don't want encouragement. I don't want advice, I don't want happy thoughts, and I certainly don't want sympathy. I'll be fine. I have my faith in God, I have a wonderful husband who is doing his best to just hold me when I cry. I need to work through this hurt on my own, as a wife, as a mom, as a sister, maybe even as a friend.
I'm rowing towards November 2 - when my memories cease to haunt me. For that's where the lighthouse is in the harbor.
It's been tossed about lost and broken wandering aimlessly
And God, somehow you know that ship is me
Because there's a lighthouse in a harbor shining faithfully
Pouring it's light out across the water for this sinking soul to see
That someone out there still believes in me"
When You Come Back to me Again - Garth Brooks
I feel like that ship these days. Like I'm rowing and rowing and rowing and not knowing where I'm going.
When I flipped my calendar to October, I was hit with a ton of bricks. The end of this month marks the 25th anniversary of my sister's death. I'm having a really hard time with it. I cry at the drop of a hat. My sister Karen (#2) said my sister Gloria (#3) had a hard time this year too. I can't believe how sensitive I am this year. Jeremy said sometimes the milestone anniversaries hit you harder. A little like a shock. I'm working on something to commemorate this anniversary and I am procrastinating. Maybe it's the thought that if I ignore it, it won't come.
Jeremy's surgery is coming up. I'm still holding on to a lot of insecurities about it. I don't know what his recovery is going to be like. For that matter - I don't even know exactly what the procedure is for these. Everyone is telling me that they use mesh but, I read that there are a lot of complications with the mesh. I think I'm more scared of being Jacob's primary caregiver for a week.
The news of Jacob's speech delay hit me very hard. We don't have complete results yet and maybe I'm jumping the gun being so upset. I'm really having a hard time keeping it together. I just feel like I could have done more. I feel like I failed him.
I closed the comments on this post. I love my friends and I appreciate that you want to help me with my hurts. I appreciate your thoughts but, I don't want help. I don't want encouragement. I don't want advice, I don't want happy thoughts, and I certainly don't want sympathy. I'll be fine. I have my faith in God, I have a wonderful husband who is doing his best to just hold me when I cry. I need to work through this hurt on my own, as a wife, as a mom, as a sister, maybe even as a friend.
I'm rowing towards November 2 - when my memories cease to haunt me. For that's where the lighthouse is in the harbor.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Getting Better
Well, Alex the speech therapist just left. We have the results of Jacob's test, kinda. The test that Alex used is different than the test that Jan used. So things are a little different, but it still shows that Jacob is behind.
In his comprehensive(putting names to pictures, etc.) he did very well, although he only scored at 28 months, he had alot of areas where he had pluses. According to Alex that means he was "growing" in those areas, and was doing well, but he could not give him full credit. So basically 28+. His expressive(talking in general, sounding out words) however was still quite low, 23 months.
The good news? Jacob has made immense progress over the last several months and is showing no signs of slowing down. We keep hearing that we are going to get tired of his talking soon. I don't think so. (Although, he does drive Gail crazy when he keeps saying "mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama at 6 in the morning).
Next speech update, next Wednesday.
Mom's turn - Mom isn't taking this news very well. I wasn't home for Alex's visit this morning. Maybe that's a good thing. I think of my beautiful child and all of the progress he has made and I am so proud...yet so disappointed that it still isn't enough. Jacob is still more than a year delayed. I know there isn't anything we could have done differently or done better. We've done everything possible. I still feel as if I should have known earlier that something was wrong. There should have been more I could have done. I see how smart Jacob is and it breaks my heart to know he's still not where he should be. Or even close. I know he's made a huge progression but, I still feel like I didn't do enough as his mom.
In his comprehensive(putting names to pictures, etc.) he did very well, although he only scored at 28 months, he had alot of areas where he had pluses. According to Alex that means he was "growing" in those areas, and was doing well, but he could not give him full credit. So basically 28+. His expressive(talking in general, sounding out words) however was still quite low, 23 months.
The good news? Jacob has made immense progress over the last several months and is showing no signs of slowing down. We keep hearing that we are going to get tired of his talking soon. I don't think so. (Although, he does drive Gail crazy when he keeps saying "mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama at 6 in the morning).
Next speech update, next Wednesday.
Mom's turn - Mom isn't taking this news very well. I wasn't home for Alex's visit this morning. Maybe that's a good thing. I think of my beautiful child and all of the progress he has made and I am so proud...yet so disappointed that it still isn't enough. Jacob is still more than a year delayed. I know there isn't anything we could have done differently or done better. We've done everything possible. I still feel as if I should have known earlier that something was wrong. There should have been more I could have done. I see how smart Jacob is and it breaks my heart to know he's still not where he should be. Or even close. I know he's made a huge progression but, I still feel like I didn't do enough as his mom.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Reciprocation? Kindness? Generosity?
Last week, I read a post on a blog that I like. The question was this: "let's say you're given the opportunity to donate some money to a desperate family who would use it to feed their children, but were only able to do so if you donated the same amount of money to someone you knew would use it to buy crack. Would you do it?"
I mulled over this question for awhile because it actually touches into my own life a little bit. So you can think on that question while I explain.
I've thought long and hard about the question above and her answer to it, I realized what I've been doing wrong, all of this time. I guess I always thought that if you did something for someone, they kind of owed you, in a way. That there always had to be some sort of reciprocation. All of my life, I had thought I had a say in what a person did with the help I gave to them. I thought I could judge them based on their decisions. I also had the idea that it was up to me what type of reciprocation was acceptable. I thought I got to pick what was 'good enough'. I was wrong. VERY wrong and I've been wrong for a long time. I don't want to be that person anymore. I'm not going to be that person anymore. I'm going to be like the brother. I'm going to give that man the $20 for a rose and not care what he does with it - because he needs that money so much more than I do!
I'm learning that reciprocation isn't as cut and dried as the dictionary definition. It's always been there but, I needed to open my eyes a little wider to see it. I see it now. Sometimes, it comes in the surprise of a new friend that you've never met, encouragement from an old friend that you really miss, or even in the tears of a mother who was so thankful for some help because she didn't know how she would clothe her three children this winter. So, you see, it does come. It comes from kindness. It comes from generosity. It comes when you open your heart, ignore those voices in your head, and just do the right thing. Speaking of the right thing, I know I hurt my sister-in-law by being such a hard ass. For that, I can never apologize enough but, I'm sure going to try. It's the right thing to do.
So back to the question. This me. This new me. The one that found her heart, and it's a big, soft heart - I would sooo give the money. But, I'm very curious. What would you do?
I mulled over this question for awhile because it actually touches into my own life a little bit. So you can think on that question while I explain.
I've thought long and hard about the question above and her answer to it, I realized what I've been doing wrong, all of this time. I guess I always thought that if you did something for someone, they kind of owed you, in a way. That there always had to be some sort of reciprocation. All of my life, I had thought I had a say in what a person did with the help I gave to them. I thought I could judge them based on their decisions. I also had the idea that it was up to me what type of reciprocation was acceptable. I thought I got to pick what was 'good enough'. I was wrong. VERY wrong and I've been wrong for a long time. I don't want to be that person anymore. I'm not going to be that person anymore. I'm going to be like the brother. I'm going to give that man the $20 for a rose and not care what he does with it - because he needs that money so much more than I do!
I'm learning that reciprocation isn't as cut and dried as the dictionary definition. It's always been there but, I needed to open my eyes a little wider to see it. I see it now. Sometimes, it comes in the surprise of a new friend that you've never met, encouragement from an old friend that you really miss, or even in the tears of a mother who was so thankful for some help because she didn't know how she would clothe her three children this winter. So, you see, it does come. It comes from kindness. It comes from generosity. It comes when you open your heart, ignore those voices in your head, and just do the right thing. Speaking of the right thing, I know I hurt my sister-in-law by being such a hard ass. For that, I can never apologize enough but, I'm sure going to try. It's the right thing to do.
So back to the question. This me. This new me. The one that found her heart, and it's a big, soft heart - I would sooo give the money. But, I'm very curious. What would you do?
Friday, October 10, 2008
Out of character
I know it's not like me to go so long without a post. I'm here to tell you, it's probably gonna be a little while before the next and I'm also gonna give you my whole list of excuses.
- I am so busy at work right now. I swear, I am running in circles around my circles.
- I am immersed in a project though I know I'll get an empty 'thanks' and never see the results or any true appreciation of my efforts, I'm truly loving every minute of it and the people I have met along the way!
- We're spending every spare moment at home getting ready for Jeremy's surgery. He won't be able to lift for awhile and this hits us at the worst time. Storm windows need to go up, toys need to come in, lawn furniture needs to come in, plastic needs to go up, the air conditioner needs to go in the attic, the new back door needs to get put in. All that fun old house stuff.
- I'm super stressed over our lack of money. But - we did sell our Michigan tickets! And the price of gas is going down.
- My friend Jeannie (Harper's Aunt), her mom is in the hospital (3 days in ICU) and Jeannie's pretty worn out. I'm worried about her.
- Jeremy applied for a General Manager position - again. And didn't get it - again. So he's been putting in some extra efforts at work getting his new boss acclimated.
- I blew out my knee again and I HATE the Dr. I went to before and need to find a new one. Every time I wince - Jeremy says "Call the Dr." I try not to let him see. So sitting at the computer more than I absolutely have to is not an option.
- I saw a mouse! In our back porch (it's enclosed but not finished space) this morning. Moving the boxes of jeans from the porch to the garage is another project on the list before Jeremy is incapacitated. I was proud of myself though- I didn't wig!
Things going well:
- Jacob had his test with the speech therapist. He did GREAT! Alex said Jacob's comprehension level is really high. Alex saw the fear in my face over some of the tasks Jacob couldn't perform and said "That's okay - those are ABOVE his age level". We'll have the full results of the test next week.
- Miss Carrie - our development therapist came yesterday and said that after talking to Alex, it looks like Jacob will just have to do 'drop-in' therapy once he turns 3. As he's made so much progress!
- A friend of Jeremy's from high school is going to come up and help us out getting things done before Jeremy's surgery and he's also going to come entertain Jeremy during his recovery. I love that guy!
- My knee is feeling better - sometimes - I'm still slow, I still limp and have trouble with stairs. Ugh! Carrying Jacob is still a nightmare.
- I made a new friend, her name is Lisa. I met her through my project. She's a great woman and I look forward to spending more time with her.
- My other project is turning out far better than I anticipated. There are truly some wonderful and generous people in this world.
- We bought our new doors for the house and the garage. Thankfully, The garage door can wait.
- My brother is doing great in his new job. I talk to him a lot more.
- We're planning a mini-trip up home for the end of the month. I'm very excited.
- I bought a new pattern book and have found that I can crochet a dishcloth in one evening.
- After what seemed like forever, the pool is down and put away.
I'm also going to start giving you some Jacob-isms - as we call 'em.
A few nights ago we were talking with Jacob.
"Do you like Mommy? Is she nice?"
"nn-yeah"
"Do you like Daddy? Is he nice?"
"nnn-No, he bite"
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Transferred
Picture it:
I'm sitting at my desk in the sea of cubicles, eating my lunch, surfing some blogs and my phone rings.
'That's dock 6. What does Jason want?', I thought to myself.
"Hello, this is Gail", I anwered.
"Come down here and get your shit!", I hear. Only, it's not Jason. It's my brother!
We work for the same company only in different buildings - until now. He's going to be over here on a temporary, possibly permanent basis doing shipping and receiving. I've been here almost 12 years, he almost 22. This isn't the first time we've been in the same building but it's the first time we're in the same building and on the same shift.
Welcome to the Country Club, big brother!
I'm sitting at my desk in the sea of cubicles, eating my lunch, surfing some blogs and my phone rings.
'That's dock 6. What does Jason want?', I thought to myself.
"Hello, this is Gail", I anwered.
"Come down here and get your shit!", I hear. Only, it's not Jason. It's my brother!
We work for the same company only in different buildings - until now. He's going to be over here on a temporary, possibly permanent basis doing shipping and receiving. I've been here almost 12 years, he almost 22. This isn't the first time we've been in the same building but it's the first time we're in the same building and on the same shift.
Welcome to the Country Club, big brother!
Monday, October 6, 2008
It's not going well...
Little Harper is really having some struggles. I don't think his mom is doing so good either...
I'm Loosing Control
Posted 1 day ago
I just wanted to quickly let everyone know that I am scared out of my mind because of the lack of control that I have in the ICU...I could explain to all of you the feelings of helplessness that surge through me in moments of weakness but I prefer to purge the worry and remind myself through these words to you: My son is strong. He is a child of God and protected in his healing spirit. Harper is intended to make it through the trails into triumph...in Jesus name we pray.
That is all I can say.
Keep waiting for word of his turn-around.
P.s.
Tatum wrote me a note today that read "FGBMHESCX" in perfect penmenship...she read the note to me...Dear Mom, I love you and I am with you wherever you are. Tonight we are together in person and I am very thankful.
I'm Loosing Control
Posted 1 day ago
I just wanted to quickly let everyone know that I am scared out of my mind because of the lack of control that I have in the ICU...I could explain to all of you the feelings of helplessness that surge through me in moments of weakness but I prefer to purge the worry and remind myself through these words to you: My son is strong. He is a child of God and protected in his healing spirit. Harper is intended to make it through the trails into triumph...in Jesus name we pray.
That is all I can say.
Keep waiting for word of his turn-around.
P.s.
Tatum wrote me a note today that read "FGBMHESCX" in perfect penmenship...she read the note to me...Dear Mom, I love you and I am with you wherever you are. Tonight we are together in person and I am very thankful.
Friday, October 3, 2008
Pray. Pray Hard.
I got another update on Harper yesterday. My heart breaks for this young little family. Faye (Harper's Mom) is trying so hard to put on a brave face. I can't imagine the pain this girl is experiencing watching over her sweet boy. I pray I never have to.
Pray for Harper
Posted 13 hours ago
So the last few days have been more than I would think that I can handle but as it turns out we are getting through it.
Harper ended up in the ICU on Tuesday due to septic shock which occurs when a bacterial infection takes over the blood and he is unable to sustain lively vitals such as blood pressure and heart rate. His body has in fact allowed for a strep bacteria to invade his blood stream and reap havoc on his insides. Do not be confused, this is not severe strep throat, it is a natural skin bacteria that everyone carries and unfortunately due to Harper's circumstance (nuetrepenia, (no immune defense)) the bacteria grew to an unhealthy level inside of him. The infection has allowed for seeping bacteria to invade his lungs which has resulted in bacterial pneumonia and of course the blood infection is causing severe lethargy and high fever. He has been completely reliant on blood products since we entered into intensive care and due to the infection the bacteria has been consuming his platelets faster than they are being given. Harper remains lethargic and unable to eat. They have been treating him with i.v. food (i.e. proteins, vitamins, fats, and sugars), antibiotics, and oxygen. He speaks occasionally to say 'no', 'don't' and 'nite-nite'. My boys butt is raw and painful due to the severe diarrhea caused from stripping the natural bacteria in the bowels because of his meds. This is the only thing that he really speaks out against in terms of pain and misery. I am hopeful that we will see a turn around in the next couple of days and that the antibiotics will overpower the evil bacteria. There are many details that have been left out but the jist is what I have explained and prayers need only detail a speedy recovery from the bacterial infection.
We love you guys and I look forward to the next update with good news to follow.
Pray for Harper
Posted 13 hours ago
So the last few days have been more than I would think that I can handle but as it turns out we are getting through it.
Harper ended up in the ICU on Tuesday due to septic shock which occurs when a bacterial infection takes over the blood and he is unable to sustain lively vitals such as blood pressure and heart rate. His body has in fact allowed for a strep bacteria to invade his blood stream and reap havoc on his insides. Do not be confused, this is not severe strep throat, it is a natural skin bacteria that everyone carries and unfortunately due to Harper's circumstance (nuetrepenia, (no immune defense)) the bacteria grew to an unhealthy level inside of him. The infection has allowed for seeping bacteria to invade his lungs which has resulted in bacterial pneumonia and of course the blood infection is causing severe lethargy and high fever. He has been completely reliant on blood products since we entered into intensive care and due to the infection the bacteria has been consuming his platelets faster than they are being given. Harper remains lethargic and unable to eat. They have been treating him with i.v. food (i.e. proteins, vitamins, fats, and sugars), antibiotics, and oxygen. He speaks occasionally to say 'no', 'don't' and 'nite-nite'. My boys butt is raw and painful due to the severe diarrhea caused from stripping the natural bacteria in the bowels because of his meds. This is the only thing that he really speaks out against in terms of pain and misery. I am hopeful that we will see a turn around in the next couple of days and that the antibiotics will overpower the evil bacteria. There are many details that have been left out but the jist is what I have explained and prayers need only detail a speedy recovery from the bacterial infection.
We love you guys and I look forward to the next update with good news to follow.
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