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Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Praying for Wisdom and Strength

If you recall, I wanted to talk to our social worker (SW) about the effects on Jacob if we don't have contact with AS (I'm going to refer to Jacob's birth mother as AS from here on out).

I decided I can't continue to put my morals, my beliefs, or my values aside to maintain a relationship with AS any longer. I can't continue to condone her actions while inside I'm seething. I can't continue to watch my friend in so much pain wanting a child, with AS calling me wanting sympathy for her physical pain after yet another abortion and not tell AS what I really think of her and the stupid, idiotic, selfish, asinine choices she continues to make.

I decided that it's best to do this before Jacob is old enough to get confused by this mess. I decided that a relationship with his siblings isn't going to happen now and he can decide where it goes in the future. I can't continue to open Jacob up to the disappointment AS brings with her. Promises to visit and she doesn't show/doesn't call. Celebrating Christmas and Jacob's birthday in June. Yet we're expected to attend birthday parties and bring gifts for her kids. Sure Jacob doesn't understand now but, he will...soon. Not to mention, we can provide for him just fine. She has 3 other kids at home that need food and clothes.

Our SW called me on Monday and I told her all of this on the phone. My concern is, and will always be what is best for Jacob. According to the SW, I am perfectly within my right as Jacob's mother to do what I think is best. As for AS, her rights to Jacob have been terminated. There is no such thing as an adoption agreement and I don't owe her anything. Jacob doesn't know her as anything other than someone his mom knows. I need to explain to AS that we will be going to a letter/picture system from here and deal with it. When Jacob is ready, he can make the decision for himself to make contact with them or not.

Based on everything I told the SW, she agreed it was time to break off contact. I guess, I wanted a validation of my feelings before I did what I already knew was the right thing to do. She also thinks it's time we talk about adopting again...I'm not sure about that. Yet. That's another post!

I had hoped to maintain a relationship with Jacob's birth mother. It was my intention from the start. I thought it would be best for him, easiest on him in the long run. I thought I could overlook her crap and do what I thought was right for Jacob. What is right for Jacob isn't necessarily what I had thought it was. Maybe this isn't the best either. I don't know. I do know that it is my job to raise Jacob and to teach him right from wrong, to give him morals and values, manners and decency. I can't teach him when I'm not standing up for mine.

AS did call last night. I couldn't answer the phone. I didn't have the strength to be fake. I wasn't prepared for the conversation yet. I think I need to pray for some strength and wisdom first.

**Jacob will always know he's adopted. It's not a secret. We firmly believe a child should never remember the day they were told that they were adopted. We will always talk openly or freely about how Jacob came to be our son. I don't want adoption to ever seem hidden or dirty to him. We will always celebrate July 13 as Jacob's 'gotcha day' and you are more than welcome to celebrate with us - in fact, we hope you do! I simply ask that you please, talk about the adoption and ask us questions just don't show any shame in talking about adoption in front of Jacob and please, never say anything in front of him about AS that you wouldn't want your child to hear said about you. It's very important to us that Jacob form his own opinions of her, free from our judgements. You may always ask us about adoption, we are HUGE advocates. It's very important to us to make sure the subject of adoption is always, Always, ALWAYS positive. You may always feel free to contact me. Privately, we can talk about AS all you want, I won't do it in front of Jacob and I won't let you either.

2 comments:

  1. I'm glad you spoke with your SW and she confirmed your thoughts. I think you are making the right decision. You have to do what is best for Jacob and your own family. I am so glad JJ has you guys.

    Weird coincidence - July 13 is your "gotcha" day. July 13 is the day we found out we'd lost LJ. Kind of the opposite of gotcha. Very odd.

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  2. I will also be praying for your wisdom and strength. Though I think you have alot more wisdom than you know.

    I love your 'gotcha day', that is so adorable and I think Jacob will really really appreciate it as he gets older.

    Jacob is one very lucky boy to have you and Jeremy as parents. That simple thought alone fills my heart with joy.

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