Nothing!

So, what are we going to do?

Nothing!

Nothing but pray.

Pray for...what? I don't even know!

I know, I know...I asked all of you to pray for us, for Amber, and for her kids and then, I say I don't know what we're all praying for!

We have decided. We're not buying anything, we're not calling our attorney, and we're not making any preparations. We're not doing anything differently until we know something has happened to Amber. That said, please don't buy us anything and please don't save anything for us. We don't want anything around our house that will get our hopes up. It's best for us this way.

I really do know what we're all praying for. We're simply praying for God's will and the strength to accept it - whatever it may be. I do want this little girl, I'm not going to lie to you. God knows the truth in my heart. As much as I do want her, I don't want her to lose her mother. I'm learning, as a mother, it's never about what I may want or what I may need, it's always about what's best for my child, his needs, and the will of the Lord above. Nothing, nothing more.

Questions, doubts, fears, they're all here.

I realized this morning that I never told you, we did tell Amber yes, we would take her daughter. Being a mom to one of her sons already, and just being a mom overall, I couldn't tell her anything else. Jeremy and I had made the decision too regarding Jacob and already have asked the same question of someone we know, love, and trust immensely to care for Jacob in the event something happens to both of us. It's a difficult question to ask someone - "If we die, would you raise and love my child?". Someday, I may have to ask these same people again to take on his sister too but, I'm still certain we made the right choice, I hope they'd say yes too.

It's been a rough night. It was hard to leave my sweet boy this morning. Such a big boy, eating his breakfast, not any idea of the unrest around him. I wanted to stay home and talk to Jeremy about this so he could hold me while I cry. I'm not even sure why I want to cry but, I do. I guess in some ways, I feel a little guilty for even wanting this child. It seems so unfair, that God could bring us another gift, that costs someone else their life.

There are so many variables here. Do we prepare for another child? I just sold everything at my garage sale! Do we buy anything for her? Do we tell our bosses at work? Do we call our attorney? Can we afford this? Do I call my mom? I haven't talked to her in a month. Will she think I just want money if I do? If? If? If? Where? What? How?

Then again, God provided when Jacob was born. Jeremy is advancing at work which will put a little more cash in our pockets, there is a rumor of some reorganization in my department, which may put me a little higher and maybe I can work more from home. Our attorney can't do anything for us until after Nevaeh is born. Nevaeh will become Rob's daughter, he will have sole custody. He can legally place her in our custody through our attorney, which is also his attorney, and we can proceed with an adoption same as we did with Jacob. Rob's insurance will cover her until we have a legal placement, then ours will kick in. A few things we found out through Jacob's adoption.

Jeremy and I always thought, "People who can't afford to have kids, shouldn't have kids...they should give them to us!" Now, here we are wondering if we really believe that statement. We're leaning towards, "If you wait, until you can afford to have kids...you'll never have them!"

I'm trying not to get ahead of myself, not to worry myself sick, and not to make any plans. I'm full of questions, doubt, and fears. It's hard but, I'm trying.

Nevaeh = Heaven, spelled backwards

Tonight, I came home after another mind boggling day in the quarry to my adorable son who was in a helluva mood. He was up before 6AM, took about an hour nap, and went to the baby sitter's where he played outside, inside, and got himself even more tired than he already was. We were home for about an hour and had already had a few battles when our telephone rang.

Amber, Jacob's first mommy, as we call her now, was calling to check in on Jacob as she does every couple of weeks, and to ask us a very important question. You see, Jacob's first mommy is pregnant again with Jacob's little sister. She was advised not to have any more children after Jacob - he and his older brother put too much strain on her body to handle another pregnancy. This pregnancy isn't going very well. She is due the first week of January but they are concerned Nevaeh (baby sister) isn't growing as she should be (ultrasound on Monday to measure) and are planning to take her around Christmas. The point of my little story here...Amber called to ask us, if she didn't make it through the delivery, yes, she could very well die, if Jeremy and I would take Nevaeh, if she makes it without Amber. Amber's husband, who is Jacob's first daddy, agreed that he can't care for this baby girl himself and if she can't be with him, he wants her to be raised with her brother, and he didn't know anyone better than us to take Nevaeh. Thanks Rob, for the best compliment I have ever received in the worst possible situation.

Jeremy and I decided a while back, that life is pretty good. We have a nice home, good jobs, and an absolutely, amazing and wonderful little boy. God has been good to us. The faith I lost during our term of infertility has been restored in every peek at my sleeping child. God gave us that gift. God and only God brought him to us. Jeremy and I strongly feel, if we were to have another child, God and only God would give us that child too. I never imagined it could come to us again in this heartbreaking situation.

It's real. It's serious. It's pretty bad. It is very likely Amber won't make it. She's trying to get her things, her children in order if she doesn't. Amber couldn't give up another child. She couldn't bear that pain again. She had to go through with this. She'd rather die, than give up another child.

I pray, with all that I am and all that I have for my son to always have his first mommy in his life. I pray with all of my might, that this woman, who gave me her and my biggest treasure in life, lives to care for her children. I will pray she stays on this earth to explain with me, to our little boy, how she loved him so much that she had to give him to us for a better life than she could give to him.

Please, if you're reading this, pray for Amber and all of her children. Sure, she hasn't made all of the best decisions in her life. Sure, she hasn't done everything right. Some don't think very highly of her. I'm guilty of that too. Some say, "How could she give her child away?" What did she do that was so bad? She gave her child a home, a home with 2 parents who know there isn't anything better anywhere in this world than that little boy, a home with a huge family that loves him. After all, she did choose us!

Watch out for those pigs!

I left work a little early yesterday. We packed up the wagon, a blanket, sweatshirts, and the camera, into the Explorer and it was off to the County Fair!

We walked through the 4H animals, the horses, the cows, the pigs, and the sheep with Jacob in the wagon. He watched them all intently and babbled some baby jabbering every once in a while. The pig barn however, is pretty close quarters. It was feeding time, and those pigs like to stick their snouts out of their pens and they OINK! Jacob would pull his hands into the wagon and lean way over to the other side of the wagon. We did have an instance of pigs on both sides sniffing for food at this wagon, and little Jacob, he'd just stiffen right up, straight as a board! He never whimpered, and he never cried. We didn't think to get a picture until it was too late and when we went through again the pigs had lost interest. But, boy, his eyes were like saucers. He couldn't look at everything fast enough.

We walked around the fair a little, visited some of the merchant booths. The County Fire Fighters were on hand and we ran into our friend, Shaun who was recently promoted to Deputy Fire Chief and another friend, George (Jeremy played softball with him and both George's son and daughter worked for Jeremy). Jacob got to sit in the big fire truck and "drive". George even let him wear his fire helmet. It almost knocked Jacob over.

Jacob also has learned his first sentence - sort of. He now says "I want". After we left the firefighters, we went to find some fine fair junk food and listened to "I want" over and over after we bought a bag of cinnamon roasted almonds. We finally found him a bag of caramel corn (Jacob had his dinner before we left home! Yes, I'm one of those moms.) to keep him busy while we ate our hot dogs and greasy, fair fries. Jacob started in with "CAR!" over and over so Jeremy took him to watch one of the rides while I packed up. I went to join them and Jacob was dancing to roll-out-the-barrel polka while watching this monster truck ride going around. This kid just loves music and he's got some moves! I'm not sure I like the polka thing though.

We moved on to the deep fried pickle stand and found the hot dog ladies selling their dogs at half as much as the hot dogs we'd just eaten and realized that this might be our last year at the fair without having to buy tickets for the rides and that next year, Jacob would likely be ready for fair food too.

We left the pickle stand with Daddy pulling the wagon, Jacob pushing from behind and Momma, with the pickles, bringing up the tail, heading down the hill and back to the car. My baby turned into a little boy so fast. They tell me he'll enjoy the fair even more next year. Maybe the pigs won't be so bad then.

What a Monday!

It was a great day! Uh, no, not really...

For those of you who don't know, I have about a 30 minute commute to work. I also have a company laptop to allow me to work from home. I have a HUGE, multi-million dollar, project that I've been working on for a few months now and had a vacation day on Friday. Well, vacation days for me, aren't really a vacation. I have to still be accessible by phone or email - at least until this project is over and a new one starts. Well, I brought my computer home last Thursday, where it sat until this morning, when I called Jeremy to meet me somewhere between work and home to bring me my computer. I got to my desk, looked at the riser that holds my laptop, and the laptop wasn't there, nor was the bag, and I remembered - it's at home. I had tried to go in early as I didn't turn in my time when I left on Thursday. Double crap!

I was on my way to meet Jeremy and Jacob and realized I still had a truck full of garage sale stuff that didn't sell to return to a guy from work. By the time he and I changed it all over, Jeremy and Jacob were pulling into the parking lot. Jacob clamped on to me and wouldn't let go. I sent Jeremy to the bank to deposit all of my garage sale monies, and Jacob went to work with Momma for a little while. Of course, he had the run of the joint. With one smile, he pulled one of our chief finance guys out of his meeting to come say hello. My manager gave Jacob some cars to play with and the squeals brought many others over to say "I can't believe how big he's getting! Is that Jacob? Oh, is he cute!"

My corporate credit card numbers were stolen last week. Luckily, they were only able to get about $600 before I caught it. Thankfully, as it has a monthly limit of $50K. I had to call and report that last week, and while I had Jacob in my office, they delivered my new card. Of course, the "I need"s were in full force. And if that wasn't enough...

I've been having some issues with my knee again. I've had problems with it since Jr. high school, on and off. I had serious trouble with it again about the time I met Jeremy. The specialist ordered an MRI and though he found many, tiny tears in both the cartilage and the tendons, there wasn't enough damage to warrant surgery. I did physical therapy for a few months and was measured for arch supports and the pain eventually eased. I had a small, fatty tumor at the time as well, and we agreed to watch it, and see what happens. Well, it grew and I had that tumor - found to be a cyst after removal, removed in early June. Although I'm glad to have the cyst gone, it had nothing to do with the pain I have...again. I, of all things, fell asleep on our love seat about a month ago and it hasn't been right since. I went to a new Doctor (thanks to our new insurance), who prescribed an anti-inflammatory that didn't agree with me. So, I waited about a month, hoping and praying the pain would go away and it hasn't. I went back to the Dr. today. The Doctor ordered an MRI (@ 7AM and an hour drive to the hospital) for next month, as he says to "rule out a tear in the cartilage but, I do think it is torn". So, we have a new plan, we get the MRI, we find out how badly it's torn, then it's back to the specialist I saw five years ago, and possibly arthroscopic surgery to repair the tear(s). I've never had a surgery before - not that this is major, by any means but, I'm still a little scared nonetheless.

Tuesdays are better, right?

It's Fall

Fall is here, well pretty much. Now what does that mean to me. Crunch time for the Cardinals in baseball. In football, the Broncos have just as good a chance of going to the Superbowl as anyone. I'm also in a couple of fantasy football leagues. It's a good time for being a sports fan.

Speaking of fans, I went to the Michigan - Oregon game this past Saturday. Wow, was that embarrasing. Not only the way the Wolverines played, but the way alot of the fans acted. It's unfortunate, but I see it every where I go. I've seen it now in Michigan, Detroit, Chicago, and yes, even my beloved St. Louis. Now, I remember in high school a friend and myself would razz some of the opposing high school hockey players when we would go to the game. But I guarantee one thing, we never swore, and it was usually in good fun. We had even made a sign for one of them and after the last game of the season he asked if he could have it. But what I was hearing coming from our fine upstanding youth was vile and rude. Root for your team, give the other team crap, razz the opposing fans, but you can't take it too far. It's only a game. I can see why there are so many fights in the stands though. And I truly don't believe that the fights are between opposing fans. Because I know I was very close to starting a fight with one of the jackasses sitting behind me, Michigan fans or not. It just disgusts me. Buying a ticket does not give you the right to get drunk and beligerent. Another wonderful thing was the little kids sitting in the stands that had to listen to it all. Well, to any Ducks fans out there, just remember that not every Michigan fan is a Jackass. But we do feel like it after the start of this season.

Welcome to The Big House!

You know Summer is gone when the countdown to kickoff is posted on the U of M website!

Yeah, my Wolverines gave away their first game - I had freebie tickets and I've never been a fair-weather fan - but...I'm glad I gave those tickets away! Yeah, they could still make the Rose Bowl but, the championship is out of the question. Jeremy is going this Saturday to The Big House with my brother and a bunch of guys for the Oregon game. I'm not sure this is really fair as I'm the fan. He only likes our winged helmets cuz I told him he had to! He will be required to sing "Hail to the Victors" at least once for me - and like it! I put the words in so you can practice all the way to Ann Arbor...

Hail! to the victors valiant
Hail! to the conqu'ring heroes
Hail! Hail! to Michigan
the leaders and best

Hail! to the victors valiant
Hail! to the conqu'ring heroes
Hail! Hail! to Michigan,
the champions of the West!

Yes, I'm a little bitter but, I love him anyway and I know he'll have a good time. He's also bringing Jacob his first Michigan hat and sweatshirt back from the game. I'm hoping Uncle David will help pick them out. He's the person responsible for my maize and blue fetish. He gave me my first Michigan sweatshirt. It's only right that he's there for Jacob's too.

It's been a little crazy at our house this past week or so. I've been getting ready for my annual garage sale - washing, cleaning, pricing, and boxing up unused things. Hoping to make a little money to pay for Jeremy's fantasy football season by selling our past one quarter at time. Don't feel guilty, honey...

Jeremy had his fantasy football draft the weekend before Labor Day. It's a bit of a sore subject for me but he enjoys it and it's something do with the guys, so I try to keep quiet...until he joined another league. Seems to me like today's version of Dungeons & Dragons. What a bunch of dorks!

This past Sunday, Jacob and I drove out to Holland State Park to meet my friend Jennifer and her parents (from Garden City) for a picnic on the beach. We had a really good time. Jacob played in the water, and chased seagulls all while thoroughly charming Jen's mom and dad. Jen's dad grew up in Bronson - but doesn't know Larry Hagen.

Jacob has developed an obsession with Disney's Lady and the Tramp. He now stands at the TV demanding "daw-daw!" until you play it. He still loves to go outside and watch the cars go by. I sure wish my dad was here to do that with him, as my dad liked that too. I know he would have been so proud to have that in common with his grandson. I like to think that he's there with us though, beaming with pride from up above.

It's been a good summer, a lot of things we didn't get to do, a lot of things we did do. I'm sure it'll get easier as Jacob gets bigger but, oh well, I like fall better anyway.

Let's Go Blue!