Hello? Are you in there?

Sorry, wrong number.  No one by that name here.  

Why is it so hard to do for for ourselves?  To believe in ourselves?  To have faith?

Why doesn’t the Lord just bellow from the sky “Go this way dumbass!”?

Why is it easier or clearer to see another’s path?

And like my mom always told me - why do always have to get in your own damned way? You always have to try all the wrongs before you get it right.  

5 years ago Jeremy took the biggest leap of his life, and I was so sure what he needed and where he should be. I had no doubts and he’s so different, so happy with where, what and who he is.

And then there’s me. I’m coming off from the absolute shittiest year in my entire career. I’ve been stabbed, run over, lied to, lied about, mislead, and misguided more times than I can count. I’ve cut so many shitty people from my life and I’m having trouble keeping up with the good ones. My soul, my spirit, my ego each have gaping wounds, I don’t think I have any self left. I’m not myself. I’ve changed. I’m broken and I don’t know how to find myself. I don’t know who I am. How do I even begin to find who is in here?

I can’t do the things I love as I am so misguided to who I really am. 

I can’t Reiki - I might ruin someone else.

I can’t do readings - “I have no empathy”.

I can’t read - I can’t focus on the pages.

I live in fear of when my husband is going to see in me all these things that were brought out last year when I all but lost my job.  I was on the chili pong block you see...I never heard anything...never suspected...not even a single word.  They reasssigned me to another job and I got the worst evaluation I have ever seen.   I have no empathy, I’m mean to people, I spread rumors - my new boss at the time even said “if I hear any of this against the new team - you’re gone”.  I was accused of faking my blood pressure issue last year.  Yeah.  It was that bad.  

How does one heal from that?  How do you trust again, have faith again?  Move on again?