When it's my turn.

The saddest thing I can imagine is being at the end of a life and not having a true soulmate, a confidant, a best friend that knows you, your secrets, and your fears enough to finish your sentences for you.   

Sometimes, I'm sad to not have a best female friend at this point in my life but, I am blessed to have married a man that listens to me and hears me, who hugs me when I cry, laughs at me when I laugh at myself and is willing to go along with whatever shenanigans I can think of. 

I have had a few best friends along the way.  I wish I could go back and handle the hiccups differently than I did.  Maybe those friendships would have been stronger...maybe they just went the way of fate.  I don't know.

And well, there are a few goofballs around to keep me in laughs and I am ever so thankful for them too!   I know there are a few of you who can finish my sentences and I hope you'll be there for me one day to do just that.

I think a lot these days about when I die.  How I'll handle myself when it's my turn. If I die slowly, I'll do this.  And if I die suddenly, I want to be sure to have always done this or that.  

I think about my son, and all the things he needs to know to live without a mom. Every day, I make sure I tell him how much I love him. I think that is the biggest, most important thing he always needs to know no matter how I leave him.  

I think about my husband and our life together and honestly, I can't write everything here...well...because I only want him to hear what I have to say. 

And my siblings.  Siblings are the strangest of relationships aren't they?  I have 5 of them...each of us from the very same parents yet all so very different and yet some of the very same. I think of my sister, dying from Cancer, and how I'd handle that if it were me.  She's not me and I'm not her.

I'd like to think if I were dying, you'd all come forward, make me laugh, make me cry and help me remember all the dumb shit we did together as kids (or as adults).  I'd also like to think I would take my time to put out some apologies.  I have regrets at 42, I'll have more at 52, 62, 72 and God forbid 82!  I hope I'll have courage enough to make things right where I can.

It is sad to think about death.  I didn't want to bury my sister when I was 10, my dad at 26, my mom at 41 or another sister here at 42.  God didn't ask me what I wanted.  He didn't ask me if I wanted a best friend but, all in all, he gave me the best friends.