New Year's Eve 2013

I'm sitting here waiting for my husband to get home from work, I'm sliding into the last bit of my two week holiday.  It's my slowest time of the year, his busiest.  We make do.  Jacob is off of school for the same two weeks that I am off, it works out.

I'm thinking about 2013 - the good and the not so good.

I'm looking at our Christmas tree and the combination of Chocolate Labrador Retriever ornaments mixed in with my collection of primitives, and all of Jacob's public service along with all the beauties he's created for me the last few years and I can't help but smile at the Christmases we've shared here, in this house with this beautiful child and I frown a bit knowing that each year to come is one less.

I sent a Christmas card to my mother today with Jacob's school pictures.  I'm a little late, I know.  I keep thinking to myself, "she'll be 80 in a few weeks".  I keep asking God if it's time to go to her (not because I want to, it's a responsibility thing) and he says, "no, she's not ready yet."  So I wait.  It's tough to explain, I don't miss her, I'm concerned about her safety, her diet, her medical needs and other things (I don't give 2 shits about her finances - let's make that clear!)  I said I don't miss her but, she's still my mother, if only in the sense of the woman who birthed me because I wish I had a mother.  A mother that wanted to be with me, to be with my child (he's so awesome and she has no idea), to support me, to encourage me, to give me hope, to ease my burdens, to...so many things.  But, without her, I'm learning to do these things for my child.  I'm learning to be the mom I didn't have.  In fact Jacob just told me tonight, "I'm sorry your mom didn't kiss you goodnight."  I have forgiven her, forgiven myself, forgiven my dad and I'm not angry anymore.  I'm not hurt.  I'm just done with it.  I've let it go.  Yet I have no desire to contact her and you can think what you want of me for it.  "As my mom always said, he who lives in a glass house should not throw stones."

I think about the changes in myself this year.  I'm calm.  I don't worry.  I don't wigg...at least not like I used to.  I still have a few quirks here and there but, I've mellowed out.  Jacob spilled something a few days ago and I noticed his face - he was so afraid - of me, of my reaction to come.  All I said was, "let's get a towel and clean it up."  I didn't yell, I didn't *gasp*.  I just cleaned it up.  And my kid wasn't terrified of me.  He came to me a little later, "Mom, I'm sorry I spilled." and I responded with, "it's ok.  We cleaned it up.".  He hugged me so tight and declared his love for his momma.  All the while, Jeremy looked on with a smile.

I'm not worried about money, or bills, or debt, or home repairs anymore.  I prayed to God some time ago and asked him to provide for us, to help me learn the difference between what I need and what I want and we're making progress with that.  I'm not taking my worry back from God.  I don't want it.  I trust Him.  I did make the mistake of opening my BIG mouth and telling Jeremy that one of my plans for 2014 is not to buy any more books until I clear out one of my bookshelves.  Now he's holding me accountable!

I can't say 2013 was a good year for me, I can't say 2013 was a terrible year for me.  2013 was a learning year for me, an exploring year for me, a listening year for me.  A forgiving year and a non-judgmental year!  And in some ways, a realization year.  A realization that sometimes we have to take things for what they are and make the best of them.  A realization that some things we don't have to take at all.

My hope for 2014 is to continue to be better.  To continue to learn and move forward.  To continue to expand my visits with those who have passed on, to continue to improve my relationships with family and friends, to listen to my inner guiding voice and to follow my heart while still protecting the loving hearts around me.  If I can do that, I'm sure 2014 will be a success!

Happy New Year!