Thoughts on 37...

I'm sitting here tonight after all of the birthday wishes have come in, after the cake, the cards, and my gift, I totally was not expecting, another birthday come and gone, thinking over the past year - what has changed or stayed the same and what I hope for in the next year.

I've thought a lot tonight about love and relationships, about family and friends and those we love who love us.  I think about the capacity of love, the love for family, the love for your partner, the love for your child and sometimes the conditions that come with love.

Why does love have to come with conditions or rules?  I love my husband and my child unconditionally and whole-heartedly, yet why am I so scared to love others without being so afraid?

Speaking of afraid - I was given a wonderful gift for my birthday.  Something I've wanted for a long time and couldn't justify purchasing for myself.  It was the most expensive gift I've been given in quite some time.  And I was so touched, to know someone cared about me, so much to 1 - give me something like that and 2 -  to think of something I'd really like, want, and use.  And 3 - they were willing to show me they thought of me and they love me.  I cried.  I cried when I opened the box.  I cried when I told my husband what it was.  I cried when I called to thank her.  It was so amazing to receive that love!  It wasn't the gift (though it's a great gift) - It was the love BEHIND the gift!  Have you ever had someone give you something and just FELT the sentiment radiating from the gift?  It was so real!

You see, I'm learning love shouldn't have rules.  Love shouldn't be held back.  Love shouldn't be withheld because someone doesn't meet expectations, because someone thinks you should love them like they want to be loved rather than accepting the love you have to give.  Just because I don't love you the way you think I should doesn't mean I don't love you.  Love should be given freely and never, never taken away.  Love shouldn't come with strings or expectations.  Jealousy or spite don't belong when you love.

I've worked hard while 37 to make a change in myself to open my heart, to open my mind, to be more forgiving, to open the door and let people who want to care about me into my life.  And to sort the truth from the from the show. I'm learning to take things as they come, and what they're meant to be.  I'm learning to relax and go with what comes my way.  I want to continue working on it for 38.

Thank you, Jeremy.  Thank you, Jacob.  I love you both to the moon and back!  Thank you, my family for the cards in the mail full of birthday wishes.  Thank you, my Kindle giver - not just for the gift but, the love and the light behind the box.  Thank you, my warm yellow sunshine and her Me-la for all you have taught me this past year.  And my friends - Thank you to those who have always been here.  I love and appreciate each and every one of you!  To my new friends and my new old friends - I have come in (or back in) contact with many of you after our lives took so many twists & turns and there is a bigger reason for that than we may ever know.  I'm looking forward to where our new path leads.

Here's to a happy 38th!