Excuse me? What just happened?

Warning:  I'm going to get a little non-conventional here.  I'm going to talk about something you may not believe in, may not understand or might find totally weird and way beyond your level of acceptance.  You are free to read on or to pass.  No hard feelings.

Before I met my husband, I had dated another man for about 6 years on and off (more off than on).  There was a considerable age difference (21 years) and before you get all 'father figure' on me, that totally wasn't the case.  He was a good man.  He took care of me - again not in the fatherly sense but, and I wish I could explain this better, there is a certain air, a certain something about dating someone older.  There is a certainty in a man that is older, a confidence like no other.

This man saw me through a lot of things in that time.  My family didn't understand but, also in this time, I had been taken advantage by another man - against my will (we'll talk about that another time).  This relationship should have ended much sooner but, I needed him there to help me through that awful time.  I didn't tell anyone.  I needed to know that I was still something special to someone.   I couldn't get myself together and I saw that this man didn't want a future with me in the same way that I wanted a future with him.  He wanted to stay together, live together and just enjoy life together.  I knew that I wanted to get married and eventually have a family.  He already had 2 divorces and 1 kid.  I worked hard to get myself together and get on with my life.  I started a new job, I moved away.  I became more confident and I grew up.

In the last year of the relationship everything was sour.  To put the two of us into a room together was like putting us into a boxing ring.  Each of us taking our shots below the belt.  I always told him that one day, I was going to be strong enough and I was going to leave.  I was getting very close.

I left him on May 6, 2001.  I just left and I didn't go back.  I met Jeremy on May 10 and when I got home from meeting Jeremy, I had a letter in the mail from the other guy that it was over - I already knew that it was.   I scoffed and threw the letter in the trash, thinking "Finally, he gets it!  I'm free!".  The end of that relationship wasn't Jeremy.  I knew that I needed to close this guy's door before Jeremy's could be opened.  The old relationship had really been over for more than a year at that point only neither of us wanted to admit it.  My first official date with Jeremy was May 12.

I was never happy with the way that I left my ex.  I always felt that I needed some type of closure, that I needed to apologize for my actions over the years, that I need to put this mess to rest.  It really bothered me.  I thought about it often, I talked with Jeremy about it.  I knew that I was happy with my life now, I knew I was meant to be with Jeremy yet, this nagged at me constantly and consistantly.  I knew that I had more to say but, I also know that I was incapable of having a spoken conversation with my ex about this.

I was up home for an overnight this past November, and I ran into my ex.  I hadn't seen him since I walked away in May of 2001 - almost 10 years.  He looked good - he looked exactly the same!  I knew the whole time Jeremy and I were planning that trip that I was going to run into this guy somewhere/somehow that weekend.  And I knew it was unavoidable.  The whole interaction was creepy - he kept staring at me. 

I knew this guy had been watching my every move that night.  I saw a guy from work at the bar before I left.  He was behind my friend and I.  Standing at the wall.  I'd gotten up to talk to him a minute.  I saw my ex just glaring from the bar - I knew what he was thinking.  I knew every single one of his accusations without having to hear them.  And I knew he was thinking that nothing had changed with me.  What I had said to the guy from work was "Hey!  I was wondering if you'd be here.  I know you like to bring your mom when you're in town. (Yeah, She and my Aunt are losing their social security). This band is good  (yeah, I should have come in earlier).  Too bad this bar is so small (it's always like this - they didn't plan it very well).  We're getting ready to leave if you'd like our table (Great!  Thanks!  But, I have to use the can - can you wait a few minutes?).  Sure, we'll wait until you use the restroom so you don't lose it"  Now, doesn't that conversation just scream "Let's go get a room!?!"

Finally, as I was leaving (and I had to walk past him and his wife to get out of the bar), I stopped in front of him and I said, "If you're going to stare at me all night, the least you can do is say 'hello'." He was there with his wife (#3). Really, that didn't phase me. I wasn't upset that he chose her. I knew that I had Jeremy and Jacob waiting for me back at my hotel and it didn't matter. I didn't even have to convince myself.  We exchanged um, pleasantries - at least on my part (him?  not so pleasant).  And I walked away again.

I went back to the hotel and spilled my guts to my husband.  You see, I can't hide ANYTHING from Jeremy - I'm not capable. This run in/encounter with my ex made me even more uncomfortable.  And I could NOT shake it.

I'd been reading Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat, Pray, Love and I can't remember if it was during this trip but, I know it was after.  We were back at home, Jeremy was in the shower, and I was in bed reading and I was at the part where Liz gets locked up on the roof by Richard and she's forced to forgive or forget her ex-husband.  As I'm reading, I keep getting this cologne scent - it's not Jeremy's - and it keeps getting stronger, and stronger, and finally, I realize that it's HIS - it's my ex's cologne!  I did like Liz - I closed my eyes and I said "Look guy, I know that I did some terrible things to you, I know that I hurt you beyond hurt.  I know now that I was wrong and I'm terribly sorry - for everything.  I have forgiven myself and I forgive you for your part in all of this destruction.  I hope you can move past this as well and I truly wish you the best in life."   And he left just as quickly as he'd come.  I meant everything that I said. 

Jeremy got out of the shower and I'm all "YOU are never gonna believe this!"  But, he did - at least I think he did, he acted like he did.

Since that night - I've barely had a thought about that guy.  Any time that I have thought of him, it passes right through.  Like my mind says to me, "we're over this, remember?" and I move on to the next.

I don't know what I experienced.  I don't know what it's called.  Mediumship comes to mind but, that's contact with spirits of the dead.  He's still very much alive.  Well - according to Wikipedia - it's telepathy. It's weird but, call it what you want, think I'm psychic/psychotic.  I just know that even if I don't know what it's called I've finally forgiven myself and he knows that I'm over it.  It truly is a good place to be.