Following the Light

I've written many times about my struggles with my faith and I think I've finally come to the place I needed to be.  I think I've finally come around.  I think I've finally come to terms with infertility, my place and my plan.  I think I've finally learned that this isn't my game, I don't make the rules, I need to go where I am guided.  Some days it will be tough, some days, as easy as pie!  I think I've found my light!

I'm going back to the church.  Our little local church.  I'm going back because I need to go back.  I need the connection.

I'm going back to this church better than I was before.  By "better" I mean, with an open heart, with a joyous heart.  I'm going to be more involved more of a participant, open and willing.  I'm going to volunteer my time and my talents. I'm going to give without looking back.  I'm going to help with suppers, and cook for funerals, and put forth one heck of an effort!

This time, I'm doing this because I need it.  Because my soul needs it.  Because my spirit is craving it.  Before I did it because it was something I was just supposed to do.  It didn't matter my personal struggles or my anger with God.  I was supposed to join a church.  Now, I feel myself being drawn into it - like a bee to hot beeswax!  (my kitchen was over run with bees the day I made those candles!)

I want Jacob to have the pride in me for my service to my church, to my Lord, the pride that I have for my Dad.  I want him to shout "that's my church!" when we pass by.  I want him to enjoy the stories of Jesus that I was taught in Sunday school.  I want to sing the songs I was taught in my church with my son.

10/10/10 (how's that for a milestone?) - we'll be back in our seats, attending our church service.  Jacob will go to his first Sunday School.  There will be tears in my eyes many times that Sunday - not of sadness but, of knowing.  Knowing that I'm doing the right thing and knowing that my Dad is smiling down on us.  Thanks Dad - you can stop pushing me, I got it!