I've been thinking a lot over the past two weeks. I thought about letting this blog go and never coming back to it. I thought about starting a new one that no one could ever see. I thought about never writing another word again. I've barely updated Facebook. I haven't been emailing. I can't hide forever but, I'm still hesitant to say anything at all.
Jeremy and I often say to each other, "Perception is reality." I feel as if the perception I have given of myself or this blog isn't my reality. I feel as if I don't always use the right words or come across with the tone I intend to convey.
I'm a sensitive. My feelings get hurt easily. More so, by those closest to me. You see, I don't trust many people. I'm not a fake. I believe in quality friends, not quantity friends. I try to do good things for those I have chosen to let in. I don't always have the means but, I always have the heart. I don't like to be portrayed as bossy, know-it-all, bitter, or my favorite - spoiled. I don't like to be that person. A lot of times I am, though it's not always for me - it's me trying to make something the best that I can for someone else. I want to make someone else happy, to make them feel better, to know someone does care for them.
I would do anything for anyone (within reason, of course) at most anytime. I love to make people happy. I love to give them things because I want to. Most people, I find are quite appreciative. I'm not talking about thank-you notes or reciprocation. I'm talking appreciation - there is a difference. You can see appreciation in the light of some one's eyes, the excitement in their voice, or pictures they send. It's hard to continue to do for anyone, no matter who they are, without appreciation. And when the light finally goes out, you can't do for that person anymore. It doesn't matter how many thank you notes come with it. If the appreciation isn't there, why give the gift? Even if the gift is the friendship.
If I've learned anything here, I've learned that I am very blessed to have really great people come into my life - by their choice. A wonderful husband and soulmate, longtime friends, and some new friends too. I have a greater appreciation for Jeremy's parents. I've softened my heart considerably in regards to someone I have admitted an extreme jealousy over. I'm working to accept these things and to move on as they are without expectation.
I'm going to work harder on perception going forward, though I can't control what anyone takes away from what I write. I'm going to plan my words more carefully from here. I'm going to still try to be me. It's good to be back.
I'm glad you're back, my friend. I can understand being hesitant, but you know what I think: this is your blog, and you shouldn't have to feel like you have to totally screen and/or measure every word and thought that you write here. If people don't like what you have to say, they can stop reading. Period. It sounds harsh, I know, but it's true. I don't like to see others being bullied out of their own space to write and share thoughts. It's been a pleasure to see how your writing has evolved since you started blogging, and I'd hate to see you give it up completely because someone else is uncomfortable. Keep doing your thing. :)
ReplyDeleteYay...I missed you! And, for what it's worth, you can't ALWAYS say the right thing. It's inevitable that it will upset someone. I fear the same thing, as I tend to have a smart-aleck tone and I'm not sure I convey it clearly in written words. Good luck, and welcome back!
ReplyDeleteIt's so good to have you back. I've missed reading your words.
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