I'm still here. We've been on 'vacation' this week and honestly, I don't know where the time went. I do have some highlights from this past week and I'll get to those soon. I wanted to say some things regarding my last post though.
I used to think that infertility was something you got through or got over, maybe got past and I'm learning that it's really just something to live with. It's always going to be here. It's always going to be a part of me. Some days it's more of a silent partner. It's there but doesn't say or do much with my day to day responsibility. Some days, it wants to be the spoiled brat and jump out in front every chance it gets. It rips things from my grasp and takes them far away and it hides them. It doesn't share or play nice with others. It just wants center stage.
I've found more and more that it's really not events or pregnant women who bring it out. It's stupid people. People that are so busy painting pictures to see what their life is really like. People who are too ignorant to realize that there are better things in life than what other people see. People who only care about themselves or their own, with no regard to any one else - even their own children. And of course, those people, whom we all agree should have NEVER been blessed with children in the first place! Too, maybe I need to work on avoiding those triggers...
Really, though? After 7 years of this, I think I get to feel bad and be hurt once in a while. Why did I think I couldn't show it?
I'm not going to hide for comfort's sake anymore. If it hurts, this is my space to have that hurt. The place where I can leave it, safely. I don't want you to worry about me or feel bad for me. Please, don't feel sorry for me. Just know that I'm a little hurt, and I'll be back. I'll move on, again.
Welcome back. :) I've been wondering how your trip to Manistee went and how you're doing in general. I think you're right that infertility isn't something you get through or over...once you've experienced it, it will always be a part of you. And I liked your spoiled brat analogy...it's definitely true that it can pop up out of nowhere and "behave poorly" when you're least expecting it. Finally, you know I'm all about sharing your feelings on that subject, so I hope that you will remember that, yes, this is your space, and yes, you should use it to vent and/or organize your thoughts when you need to let it out. I don't think I would've survived if I hadn't been able to use my blog as my space to write about my struggles!
ReplyDeleteYes, welcome back! I should probably just say "ditto to what Em said" :)
ReplyDeleteI, for one, appreciate that you share these feelings/thoughts here. I think we can all learn from each other and this is a topic I wish more people wouldn't feel like they need to bottle up and hide. So thank you! thank you for sharing the good times and the bad times with us.