Plan? What Plan?

I'm not one to cry. I try to avoid it. I try to hold it back. I try to swallow my tears and get past all the shit. I hate the tight feeling around the eyes - the one that comes after you couldn't hold back any longer.

Why do people find it so hard to understand why we infertiles hurt? Why do we have to pretend that we're okay ALL of the time? We're not allowed to hurt once in awhile? Why do you want to change the subject? Why can't you just let us hurt? Why can't you talk to us about our hurt? Why can't you just let us cry? Why can't you hold us while we do?

I think that I have come to pretty good terms with our infertility - 99% of the time. I really, don't think about it much anymore. It doesn't consume my life anymore. I am able to be genuinely happy (thrilled!) for my friends who have had children or are carrying children. I like babies and baby showers. It's not an act.

I cherish my child. My Jacob. He is my life. He is my light. He is my son. My heart is full. I'm thankful, every day I'm thankful to have my son. I know how blessed I truly am.

But.

There are always the days when infertility just IS NOT FAIR! There are days when I just can't seem to move that hurt out of my way.

It's not fair that women have child after child that they leave behind.

It's not fair that women dump their children off on the grandparents every chance they get.

It's not fair that women dump their children off on the grandparents to raise these kids.

It's not fair that women are too busy to read to the children they have.

It's not fair that women are ignorant to their children and their needs.

It's not fair that women don't take steps to get proper health care for their children.

It's not fair that women don't ask questions and push for what's best for their children rather than what they want for them to be.

It's not fair that women are lazy and don't pay attention to where their kids are or what they're doing.

It's not fair that women don't let their children grow up. (i.e. don't wean from the bottle, don't pottie train, keep pacifiers until the kid is 10).

It's not fair that women continue to smoke cigarettes, dope, and coke (I don't know - do you smoke it?), or drink while they're pregnant.

It's not fair that women beat and abuse their children or let their men do it.

It's not FAIR! I'm not any of those things, yet I, I CANNOT CARRY A CHILD!

It's not fair that you walk past me and refuse to acknowledge when I do hurt.

It's not fair that I have to watch you not appreciate your children.

It's not fair that I have to see you not be a parent to your child.

It's not fair that you complain to me that your children are so naughty. Yet, I'm too strict.

It's not fair that you can never, once consider how I might feel.

It's not fair that you never give me the chance to tell you.

Edna reminded me this morning, through my tears, that I am truly blessed. And I know I am. I have a beautiful, precocious and precious little boy. God was certainly looking out for me and for Jacob. Yes, I was actually comforted by my mother.

I try so hard to do all of the right things with my son. I try to make as many special moments with him as I can. This is my only shot at this. It has to be a good one. It has to be right. It has to be as close to perfect as I can get. Most don't understand. Most think they can just have another child. And I can't. Some ask us if we'll adopt again. I believe that is God's plan.

Sometimes, the hardest thing about all this, is that it simply is God's plan.